sixersfan123

I'm a junior in high school, and my parents recently got divorced because of an affair that my alcoholic mother had with another recovering alcoholic in AA. After my mother told me, I found her drinking for the first time in 4 years, and ever since then it has been going downhill. The past few nights I have found her drunk on the couch, and so I finally decided it was time to do something.

Today, I was very straightforward with her and said that I noticed she hadn't been going to meetings and had been drinking. Her response to me was, "I know you know. I can't do anything about it right now."

I had planned for what to do if she denied it, but having her say that she was aware of what she was doing and refusing to fix it was something that completely caught me off guard.

Is there anything I can do to try and change the situation? I have no doubt in my mind that I'll find her drunk tonight, which is something I really was hoping to avoid.

skippernlilg

Have you checked out your local Ala-Teen programs? If not, Al-anon meetings should accept you just fine. We have some teens in our group.

That's what you can do. Make sure you surround yourself with the support you need. If there is another trusted adult family member you could live with to finish high school, that may help you move forward to college or to the career of your choice with better success.

I'm an ACOA, which is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was a teen before internet, so I honestly didn't know where to go. My parents were so focused on their addictions and fixing each other, they completely forgot about us. I hope you're able to find your good resources and put in place some good support. We all need that, no matter what age.

Aegian

Hi Sixersfan!

Knicks fan myself, but I do love my Eagles.

I second the recommendation to look at Ala Teen or Ala Non in your area. Here is more information about them:

How will Alateen Help Me?

And their map and phone number:

Local Meetings

If you remember back a few years ago when your Mom was still in sobriety, do any key players come to mind that helped you/her back then, like a pastor/priest/rabbi or family member? I only suggest that to jog your memory on who you may be able to reach out to in your current IRL if you need help with this situation.

It is tricky and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I too would have been taken aback if I was prepared for a denial/fight and got 'yeah so' in response. Time to regroup, and remember above all that you did NOTHING to cause this. You also will not be able to cure or control it, but you can seek support with dealing with it.

Glad you reached out here. Always know that we are here if you need to talk, or just want to vent.

m1k3

SixersFan, you could try talking to a guidance counselor at school. They should be trained to deal with these kinds of issues and may be able to direct you to local support groups.

As for your mother please remember there is nothing you can do to control her drinking. I know it's hard to understand but you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Please take care of yourself and post here often. Do you have any place you could stay if things get worse. Alcoholism is progressive and the situation can change quickly.

Your friend,

sixersfan123

thanks for the suggestions. I went to my counselor who gave me some of the AlaTeen literature, but most of what it says I already knew, having gone through it before.

She came home last night (after I thought she was going to a meeting) completely drunk.

I usually have a 4.0 GPA, am in all honors/ AP classes, and my grades are starting to drop dramatically. My teachers have even noticed a difference, and seem to want to be accommodating to whatever my circumstance is (they don't have any idea), but some have called me in to retake tests that I did especially poorly on, noticing that it was uncharacteristic.

I'm trying to step back from the situation, but it really seems like anything I try to do always, in some way, leads me back to thinking about my mom.

m1k3

I had the same problem when dealing with my alcoholic wife. Its really easy to loose yourself in their problems. What helped me was al-anon. The program is about helping you change your life so that you don't spend all your time obsessing over your mom. I know I feel much better now that I have the tools, skills and support to deal with these issues. I would strongly recommend al-ateen as a way for you to improve your life. Go to some meetings and try it out.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

sixersfan, I am very sorry you are dealing with this on top of trying to manage high school. That just plain old sucks.

Your Mom sounds like she is having a hard time right now, and it isn't going to change anytime soon.

I would recommend considering talking with your teachers directly. I know as a teen, teachers can be viewed as the enemy, or at the very least a presence one has to endure, but teachers are people too, and you'd be surprised how many of them really want you to succeed. They may be more flexible with expectations if you let them know you are having problems at home.

And don't hesitate to post here and vent your disappointments and frustrations. Often, it makes us feel better just to say "I hate alcoholism and what it does to my Mom!!!!!"

Is your Dad close by so you have some support?

Take good care,
~T

seek

It's not fair that she's putting you under so much stress when you are trying to do well in high school.

Is there someone you can go live with until she gets her act together? That might help her hit bottom too . . . and take you out of the toxic situation. You shouldn't have to wonder if she is going to come home drunk . . .hang in there and keep posting, go to meetings if you can, get the support of people you trust . . .

MsPINKAcres

Oh sweetie -
Teenage years are tough enough without having to face these difficulties! I hate so much you are going thru this - I'm sure you miss your "sober" mom a lot!

This disease really destroys families and hurts those we love the most ~ I hope that you are able to find a safe place to stay for a while. You said you have been thru this before, so you know that the materials in Alateen are great to help you keep the focus on taking good care of YOU, detaching from her behaviors and knowing it's not about you!!

Remember to do what is healthy & recovery oriented for you - YOU deserve it!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

wanttobehealthy

Is there someone (teacher, guidance couselor?) you can talk to at school? I went through a rough time when I was younger in school and wish I'd spoken up and talked to someone. Home was hell and I never said a peep. If there's someone you can talk to face to face, I'd recommend it.

Can you go stay with your Dad? Is that even an option? It sounds like a stressful and not altogether safe environment for you to be living in with your mom. Dreading finding her drunk can't be doing any good for your mental health and you don't deserve to be living that way.

sixersfan123

Thank you for all of the suggestions.

Unfortunately, although I'd love to live with my Dad, I have two younger sisters (6 and 8) who I simply can't leave alone with my mom, and so I find myself going wherever they are staying in order to make sure that they're okay. My mom isn't abusive, but I'm worried that something might happen over the course of a night where they need help and if my mom is drunk, there will be no one to help them.

As for my mom, I finally, after doing a second "small i intervention" (my counselor had recommended doing so) by letting her know all of the things she had done to me while drunk and how it was affecting it, I thought I had finally gotten through to my mom. However, an hour later the door to her room was locked and she wouldn't open it, so I can only assume she was drinking.

I've found that even when my mom's not drinking, I can't stand to be around her because her withdrawal symptoms are so bad. She yells at me for literally every thing I do or don't do. When I try to stand up for myself, she yells at me for disrespecting her, and so I really feel helpless in the whole situation.

My counselor at school said that eventually I am going to need to look either into doing a full fledged Intervention or wait for my mom to get a DUI and maybe that will make her realize what a big problem her drinking really is. However, at 16 I don't feel in the position to do an Intervention nor can I stand the thought of her driving drunk and possibly injuring herself or someone else.

I truly feel hopeless.

chicory

Honey, I am so sorry. I know the despair of having a parent alcoholic, drinking and not taking care of her children.
Is there a family member that you can get involved, just to have some support, or somewhere to go, with your sisters, when things get bad?
I was 16 years older than my little brother, when mymom went through her most serious drinking. She did put my brother through things that i wish had not happened. It is wonderful that you look out for them. that is a lot on your young shoulders. al-ateen, is that a possibility? is there anyone who might keep an eye on the girls,that you trust totally, family wise, so you could attend meetings?
sending a big hug, and wishing that soon things get better. If she takes off in her car, drunk, you could call police, so she wont hurt herself or others.

do you have grandparents?

sixersfan123

All of the family that I have is on my dad's side, and I really can't depend on them because of the legal issues between my mom and my dad.

I have a friend who has a mom who is in recovery and said she would watch my sisters for me or even take me to a meeting, but it's really tough for me to imagine doing that at this point.

Cyranoak

this is a really tough situation and I'm not really sure what to tell you other than this-- every time you do get a chance to go to Alateen please strongly consider it.

Your story is, unfortunately, a common one with thousands of great teenagers just like you dealing with their parent's various addictions while raising their siblings. Alanon meetings are full of former-teens who did just that, and I've heard many of them say that their lives were saved by Alateen and Alanon (and at 16 you can go to either).

I wish I could tell you you can control your mother's drinking but you can't. I wish I could tell you a specific thing to do but I can't. What I can tell you is that you need to do everything you can to take care of yourself, especially if you are to take care of your sisters. As for your mom, she's an adult and must take care of herself (alcoholic or not)-- it is not your responsibility.

Good luck!

Cyranoak

dollydo

I am sorry about your situation. My mother is the alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking for 65 years. I have a half brother, who is 11 years younger than I am. I basically raised him until he was 12, then my mother left town with her new alcoholic husband and my brother in tow.

As children, we both have lived through a bunch of tornados, yet we both turned out somewhat normal, no alcohol, no drugs, just bad choices when it came to relationships....could have been much worse.

Have you spoken to your father about the situation? Your and your sisters well-being has nothing to do with your parents legal issues, they are the adults and that is their situation to handle.

You sound like a responsible person, however, no matter how hard you try you cannot assume the adult role.

Grandparents are grandparents doesn't make a difference what side of the family they are on, maybe they are just the right people to open up to.

Sending support your way, I have been there, I understand.

FindingPeace1

So, are your siblings not your father's children? Because it seems you could alert your dad to the situation and he could fight for custody of all of you. Otherwise, is there a relative of your siblings (or their dad) that would take custody? If child protective services knew, they would consider removing all of you from the home. I am not saying that is good or bad, just that you have it as an option if she is abusive.
The thing is, they'd send you into the system if you didn't have friends/family that would take you.

Talk to adults you know that you trust. And keep coming back here.

Hugs,
fp

lillamy

Absolutely. Call Child Protective Services or Office of Children's Services or whatever they're called where you live (your guidance counselor should be able to help you find the right government agency). They usually respond very quickly to a child calling -- especially if you say what you just say to us, that you would move in with your dad but you can't leave your sisters with a drunk.

Also, many states have a law that say if you are too drunk to drive, you are too drunk to care for children. If your state is one of them, you can just call the police the next time your mom is falling-down drunk and tell them there's not an adult in the house to care for you.

And those would both fall into the category of "things you can do for you and your sisters"... I'm in tears here over your situation, because my son is your age and he did exactly the same thing -- he dropped from an almost 4.0 GPA to a GPA that was so low he got kicked out of his school because of his father's drinking.

You're in an immensely stressful situation and you're dealing with things no kid your age should have to deal with.

sixersfan123

For right now, I don't feel right calling CPS. My sisters are my dad's, but my mom isn't abusive and so I don't see any reason for me to be in a position to do that. I go to my school counselor at least once a week and I am very open to her, and she said that she is constantly keeping my sisters in the back of her mind, and if the situation ever seems to get too dangerous for them, she will let me know.
The only reason my sisters don't spend more time with my dad is because of my parents' current custody agreement. I don't think my dad has any idea how bad my mom's drinking is and, at least for now, I am having a very tough time confronting him with it, although I know that it is something I will eventually have to do.

dandelion75

Hi, I don't really have too much advice but I wanted to say that I'm praying for you. Someone who is 16 shouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. I'm truly sorry.

sixersfan123

Last night, I told my dad about my mom, and he said that he knew. He said he would talk to her, and later last night I could hear them fighting on the phone.

However, tonight my mom asked me to watch my sisters so she could go to a meeting. There's no signs that she's been drinking, and so I really think that she might be telling the truth. But, of course, I'll know by the states she comes home in.
I'll keep you posted, but I feel like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.