choublak

So I get this:

"Before I put you and your hateful self on ignore, I just want to say that YOU came to US for help with your alcoholic BF. You have been nothing but combative and snotty from the beginning. That may be a clue as to why your boyfriend stays drunk all the time."

So, if I become un-combative, un-snotty, etc., etc., ABF will get sober?

I thought it doesn't matter what you do or how you are, they'll just keep drinking and become abusive and die?

GettingBy

Choublak... Take a deep breath and back away from the computer for a bit.

What you just quoted is in noway reflective of solid recovery. Not sure where it came from, but, in short - it's wrong.

Nothing we do (to them or for US) will get THEM sober. Period. Our alcoholic loved ones will find sobriety on THEIR terms. Not ours. We do not CAUSE them to drink, can't CONTROL their drinking, or CURE it.


Please consider going to an Al-anon meeting - and turning off your computer.

Impurrfect

(((choublak))) - I agree, take a deep breath and step away from the computer. FWIW, I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. Back when I was with the first XABF (yes, I had 3), I was miserable and all I wanted to do was make him stop drinking, and everything would be "just fine". I bristled at a dear friend who encouraged me to put all the energy I was expending on fixing HIM, and get on with my life. I lost a dear friend because she got tired of me complaining about the situation but not doing anything about it.

So, yes, I've been there. I can only say, that 30 years later , 3 XABFs and developing my OWN addiction to "deal" with it, I realize I had to hit MY bottom in what I would tolerate from another person. For me, it took a long time and a lot of misery.

I can also say that, unless you are an addict, you will never understand why he does what he does. I AM an RA, yet when my last XABF did stuff, I still couldn't figure out why he didn't hit his bottom and reach out for help, like I did. He never did..died in a crack house.

I drove myself crazy, asking "why does he do this" while trying different things to change it. I lost myself in these men, focusing on them rather than me.

Some of the comments here have stung me, in the past, but later on, I realized they were usually on spot. Most of us have been through very similar situations, we see ourselves in you, and we want to spare you the pain we went through.

Like I said, I was you 30 years ago. Hell, I wore out 2 copies of "Codependent no more" and STILL wasn't ready to change. I found my mom's al-anon book after she died and that didn't work either. I lurked on SR for over a year before I got up the guts to sign on.

We get where we want to be in our own time, and usually? We're pretty darned miserable when we get there. I do pray you don't go through this for 30 years like I did.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Panther

Chou -

You have to remember that the people here have been through a lot. And some of them have internalized that anger and they take it out on other people. You have to be careful about who you show your heart to, because not everyone is going to take kindly to the fact that you do not want to follow their advice.

Take a deep breath. People are people wherever you go. Black, white, brown. We all have our flaws and our limits. Don't internalize someone else's anger. Let it brew with them and move on.

If you want to read some books about how to get your loved one into recovery read Love First by Jeff Jay. And if you want to know more about how alcoholism is a genetic/biological disease and definitely not caused by any degree of snottiness read Under the Influence by Dr. Milam.

You can't control how people respond to you. But you can choose how you respond to them.

Hugs,

Panther

skippernlilg

-

You're on the right track. It does not matter how you act, what you say, how you say it, or if you do it in a tu-tu with a pink bow on your head. Your A will be and do whatever he wishes to protect his alcoholism, and you have choices of what you can do to be comfortable and happy.

It does not matter how we act, what we say, how we say it, or if we do it with a tu-tu with a pink bow on our heads. You will be and do whatever you wish to protect your way of life OR you will do something to change it. You have choices of what you can do to be comfortable and happy.

You get to take what you want and make it what you want. :ghug3

choublak

And for the record, my boyfriend does not stay drunk all the time. He binge drinks, and has been in outpatient group therapy for about a month and a half. He likes being able to have addicts to relate to. However, the thing that worries me, is when he gets an urge to drink, he doesn't do anything (like call someone, etc.) to stop the urge. He isn't being proactive about it. I know I can't fix him. Maybe, I just want to vent in here without being flooded with posts that say, "leave now before it gets worse, etc."

Obviously with an addiction, it's not that simple. Who doesn't want to stop?

And, I know it has nothing to do with me being "snotty" or whatever. I just find the hypocrisy ironic.

skippernlilg

Just like your knowledge and information that you can't do his recovery for him, and we can't do yours for you, then you might come to a point that you can also see that you wouldn't be able to design the responses you get when you post here (or really anywhere). Otherwise, you'd just be talking to yourself.

The one thing we learn about the disease of alcoholism is that it isn't picky on what status the alcoholic has. He or she can be of money and fame, or not. He or she can be short, tall, medium sized, good-looking, binge, constant, and all of the above. The disease affects us all much the same, and we know we can do something to put ourselves in a less codependent frame of mind and do something about us.

My RABF is 120+ days in recovery. I'm at a little over a year of recovery from codependency. We each have a long way to go, I'm sure, but today looks a whole lot better than it did at first. I do hope you can find what I have!

m1k3

Lots of addicts don't want to stop. They can't imagine a life without their DOC (drug of choice) .

My wife has been in detox, outpatient rehab, involuntary evaluation (a locked down treatment and evaluation center) and the emergency room multiple times.

She is currently not drinking or taking pills but she is not doing AA and she is not in recovery. She is going to meetings for depression and ptsd as well as lots of lectures but she has not embraced any of the teachings. IMO its just a matter of time before her next binge.

She does not admit she is an alcoholic and the only reason she is doing as much as she is is because her daughters will not let her see her grand children again until she gets cleaned up. She doesn't care about getting better, just seeing her grand children. I don't think she even really cares that I moved out.

Your friend,

MsPINKAcres

"Hurting People hurt people" is what I was told in my early recovery days at an Al-Anon meeting "even if they don't mean to"

Just as an alcoholic/addict has to find their own way to recovery, treatment or their bottom - each of us Codie/al-anoners have to find our own way too

Some people have to leave the situation, some people learned to live and manage their happiness in the situation, some people remain the same. . .

as I quote from the Al-Anon suggested closing - I think we should all handle things "with understanding, love and peace of the program - ODAT!"

Prayers for a better day for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita

Panther

MsPINK -

You're wonderful. I still remember the helping hand you gave me, even if you've forgotten.

Big HUGS

Panther

choublak

But they don't want to be addicted, either.

Terminally Unique

Addiction is by definition ambivalence towards drinking/using. The addicted person wants to get that ever-decreasing, fleeting, temporary buzz, while simultaneously cutting down on the bad consequences of drinking/using (pain, depression, problems, etc).

Personally, I always cut right to the chase and ask them the one question that they desperately want to avoid answering:
Note that they never like this question, and are liable to lash out as a result of being put on the spot. Not for the faint of heart.

m1k3

The problem is that they don't see themselves as addicts. They are in denial. What you here from them is:
They can quit anytime they want.
Depression causes me to drink.
I drink because I'm (name any emotion here).

My AW is a good example, she has lost almost everything yet she still won't admitt that she has a drinking or pill problem.

I don't begin to understand it but there it is. Until they hit bottom they won't even think about recovery. One other thing, my AW told me several times in the past she was an alcoholic. It was simply to get me off her back so she could go back to drinking.

Your friend,

choublak

They do deep down. They just aren't going to tell you that.

Have you seen the movies Trainspotting or Basketball Diaries?

skippernlilg

That's where the denial comes in. They use denial to protect their addiction. Consciously or not. Uncontrollable lives. That's the result, every single time, with that path.

Do you feel better today?

wanttobehealthy

If someone here sent you that post you shared, then I am really sorry-- use the ignore button, try out an al anon meeting if there's one near you and realize that nothing you do or don't do is going to make your bf stop drinking or start drinking...

Sorry things are so rough right now...

Dee74

I'm closing this thread for the relevant Forum mods to look at.

Thanks all.

D