InParticular

It's so good to find this place, somewhere I can vent my thoughts. I'm reluctant to go to meetings, just nervous about it. I'm just a regular gal and I guess I feel embarrassed to go, although I know I shouldn't. I am new to recovery, have had a problem with drinking since I started, almost 20 years ago. The first time I drank I almost died; fell into a snowbank and woke up in the hospital. Hasn't really changed much since then(ha). Am just realizing now the extent to which it has prevented me from having a good life and accomplishing my dreams. Has caused so many problems in my life. Have tried to stop a million times over the years, most successfully for about four months but that was about five years ago. Getting drunk has really dominated my life up until now; have thrown away so much because I just didn't have the confidence to do or realize what was wrecking my life all along. Have finally reached a point where I am just tired of being tired, of feeling like a loser, leaving jobs, ruining relationships, feeling like crap, sabotaging myself over and over. Want to feel strong and capable.

It's only been a few days since my last drink, I had a few drinks on Friday for Halloween, but even then, was really not feeling it. Before that it was about a week. I usually drink four or five nights a week, often during the day if I'm not working. Pretty much any time I'm left to my own devices I drink.

Luckily my boyfriend, who is not a drinker and a really positive influence on me, has decided to take me back after my last episode of furious drunkenness when I dumped him. Have to stop the cycle....

Just want to have a nice life that is not ruled by chaos. My biggest problem at this point is, what do I do now? It's so scary thinking about all the situations coming up when I'll be confronted with alcohol, all the good times I'll feel like I'm missing. I love having fun and getting crazy, that's my problem, I need those highs. Just the thought of the weekend coming up is terrifying.

How do I deal with these first few weeks when it is SOOO EASY to just say, "ah, f*ck it."?

I feel really good today, but I know there are hard times ahead.

RoxyTexas

Wow that's me too. I don't have answers, but I know others will. Good luck, here's to sobriety for both of us.

freshstart57

It sounds to me, InParticular, that you are ready to make a plan about your future use of alcohol. This might sound like a trivial question, but it is by no means trivial at all. It is the entire nut of the whole matter, the big enchilada.

What is your plan for your future use of alcohol? Will you drink again or not? All sorts of great things will happen for you when you answer this question and mean it.

neferkamichael

How do I deal with these first few weeks when it is SOOO EASY to just say, "ah, f*ck it."?
1 year and 4 months sober I still deal with the first few weeks everyday.
My biggest problem at this point is, what do I do now?
Get busy with the goals you neglected.
InPacticular, today I am 50 days free of crack. Being an addict has prevented me from having a good life and accomplishing my dreams to.
Even though I'm "suffering", I'm not suffering as much as I was when I was using.
You can do it, stay sober, keep posting, there are lots of people here who care and can help.
Have a good day
neferkamichael

Dominica2

Welcome! Keep posting! It really helps!

twilli59

It's a such a great start to just step outside of the ritual and observe that the drinking is problematic. It is the beginning of the internal awareness - almost like another person is now viewing the behavior - that can lead to a solution. Personally, I have never seen an alcoholic embrace meetings and AA until the pain and desperation were unbearable. It's like it just doesn't make sense until then. Plus, there are plenty of other options you can learn about - even just on this site - that may suit you better at this point.

freshstart57

InParticular, I forgot to mention something about the fear you talked about in your post using the words 'scared' and 'terrifying'. I felt the same way, that I got frozen in fear when I thought about facing my life without booze.

Somehow, I managed to separate getting sober from my fear of what would happen if I did get sober. I thought, I have to get sober, I know I do, so let's do that at least, and then see where that leads.

The next few days were a blur for me as I worked my way through a sleepless night or two, some headache and nauseous tummy. I tried to eat some small meals and get my system going again.

At the end of this time, I looked around for that feeling of fear, dread and anxiety that had stopped me from making this decision before. It had hit the road, and I haven't seen it since.

Nothing bad will happen to you when you stop drinking. You will see how your alcoholic voice was keeping the cycle going by telling you that you would not be able to handle being sober. Wrongo. Stop listening to that little creep, climb out of that dark damp hole. It's a beautiful sunny day outside.

PaperDolls

Welcome!!

Dee74

Hi InParticular

For years I was aghast at the way I lived my life - but the alternative terrifed me so much I stuck with the devil I knew.

Eventually my problem progressed, I nearly died and I no longer had the luxury of being able to say 'screw it - I'll worry about that later'

The support I found here really helped make a difference - I could never make a week before - I'm closing in on 5 years now.

Plug yourself in here for the next few weeks - you'll find support, encouragement and ideas and maybe a little hope too

good to have you here with us
D

Dee74

Hi InParticular

For years I was aghast at the way I lived my life - but the alternative terrifed me so much I stuck with the devil I knew.

Eventually my problem progressed, I nearly died and I no longer had the luxury of being able to say 'screw it - I'll worry about that later'

The support I found here really helped make a difference - I could never make a week before - I'm closing in on 5 years now.

Plug yourself in here for the next few weeks - you'll find support, encouragement and ideas and maybe a little hope too

good to have you here with us
D

InParticular

This is such a hard question for me. When I think to myself: "I don't want to drink again, for the rest of my life," it is impossible to imagine and I feel like giving up right then. But the thing is that I can have one or two drinks in a night, and it seems okay and that's when I think that I can get away with moderate drinking. But it always seems to lead up(or down) to two or three days down the road when I'm having ten drinks and getting wasted. There always has to be that big binge, and I always feel like hell for days afterwards, this whole process of hating myself and feeling ashamed and gradually feeling better, then doing it all over again. Doesn't leave much room for anything else in my life. I really feel like I need to end the whole cycle that I seem to be stuck in. I'm feeling more focussed right now than I have in a long time and really want to run with this momentum that I have. To drink now would set me right back at the beginning again. I guess I'm actually feeling human right now, like I'm in reality, and I love it and don't want to give it up.

InParticular

Thank you so much everybody for your encouragement and welcoming messages. I know you all know exactly how much it means to me to not feel alone in this. I will definitely keep posting as much as I can.

debsam

Hi IP and Welcome

For me living in that cycle of HELL had to come to an end - I wanted to be sober and I was willing to do ANYTHING to get it...let it be the most important thing to you...it's amazing where sobriety will take you.

"Go as far as you can see, and when you get there, you'll see farther| ~ Thomas Carlyle

swiftfox

Hi IP, I've been reading your posts for a bit now, just figured out how to read your earlier ones. Not that I think I have to change for one person, because my drinking has started to bother me, but what you wrote about your 'furious drunkenness' and 'dumping' your boyfriend strikes a chord with my own experience. I'm seeing someone that in the past year and a half has really highlighted how excessive my drinking is, and that of my peers. My normalcy is complete blotto 3-4+ nights a week. It's a hard lifestyle to maintain, and dating someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol really draws that distinction. I've acted pretty erratic and cold, which I would not have done without alcohol. It's easier to be a drunk when you're a wild single, but if you're trying to be with someone, you have to quit lying and hiding all the time.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Since you expressed an interest (but a little bit of trepidation) about going to meetings, here is a link I like to share about What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting.

It's a really helpful article that will explain just about everything you might be worried about, and it will take some of the mystery out of the idea of going.

I love AA--it has been terrific for me and has changed my life.