Cheating and Alcoholism go together like Bread and Butter?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Cheating and Alcoholism go together like Bread and Butter?
Dear friends,
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
As far as I can recall, this is my first time posting on a public online forum. I would love to hear the opinions and experiences of those out there who may be or who have had to deal with what I am about to share.
My partner of one year, and the love of my life, has been sober from alcohol use for just over 6 weeks. It has been one hell of a year! I implemented tough love, as it were, but in the end, his decision to stop drinking had very little to do with anything I said or did. For him, it came several days after the wee hours of one morning, when he woke up in an alley, in his suit and tie, after he decided the night before to have 'just one drink' after work. (To make matters worse, I was out of state, at the bedside of my grandmother, who died later that morning.) I am flooded daily with the relief that has come with his sobriety, but still find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I need and want to heal. I want to grieve for the loss of my grandmother, who was a significant person in my life. I want to grieve for the year that I lost. I believe that he will remain sober with help. When I look at him, I see a person who had made up his mind and heart about abstaining from alcohol.
Within the last week, his infidelities from the year have come to light. Three to be precise. Three different women, two of whom he had sexual affairs with in the past but did not love (I believe they loved him), all after near-blackout nights of drinking. The first I discovered myself, the other two he admitted reluctantly after I learned of the first. We have sobbed and sobbed about these, we have stayed up half-nights talking and crying. He seems deeply ashamed; I am very, very bitter. He says he loves me more than anything and he wants to work this out. I would like that too, but I am afraid the visions of him with other women will not leave my mind ever. I don't want to allow myself to believe that these happened on account of his alcohol use at those times. I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
I see clearly that he is not to the point in his recovery where he understands the importance of telling the truth, no matter how painful, which, I know from the 12 steps, is coming. I, on the other hand, am finding it very difficult to heal without knowing the truth. We are at different stages. My counselor mentioned I may have to accept/forgive him for all that may have happened when he was drinking before he is even ready to get to truth-telling, if I want to remain happily in this relationship with him. Does anyone know, in everyday, practical ways, how I can do this? For example, should we begin by separating for awhile? This seems unbearable, but I do feel I need a clear head. I also worry that he needs me a lot right now, as a major support as he's going through this process. I just feel so bitter. I'm worried that my feelings about what he did may taint the quality of his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I second anvil's suggested that you get tested *yesterday* for everything under the sun, including HSV (ask me how I know...). Before there is any physical intimacy between you and your husband, I strongly recommend testing for both of us, and of course, another set of tests in 6 months, as some infections take that long to show up.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of your AH's addiction.
Make no mistake though, his recovery is HIS and HIS alone, and any attempt on his part to make you in any way responsible for his recovery is manipulation pure and simple. If he TRULY wants recovery, nothing and no one will get in his way.
As for the infidelity...it seems that he isn't ready or never will be ready to fess up to what he did, perhaps because he feels it wasn't really wrong. In your shoes, I would be stepping WAY back from the alcoholic, for a good period of time (i.e. 6 months to a year), to give him space to focus on recovery and to give yourself time/space to grieve and see how you feel.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of your AH's addiction.
Make no mistake though, his recovery is HIS and HIS alone, and any attempt on his part to make you in any way responsible for his recovery is manipulation pure and simple. If he TRULY wants recovery, nothing and no one will get in his way.
As for the infidelity...it seems that he isn't ready or never will be ready to fess up to what he did, perhaps because he feels it wasn't really wrong. In your shoes, I would be stepping WAY back from the alcoholic, for a good period of time (i.e. 6 months to a year), to give him space to focus on recovery and to give yourself time/space to grieve and see how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He's not in recovery and he's not sober. Recovery means working a program of some kind (AA or another), and sobriety is something you can trust over a period of months, not weeks and not days.
More will be revealed, but if you are wearing rose covered glasses, and I believe you are, remove them.
Also, tons of alcoholics never cheat and alcohol is not a reason or excuse to cheat. It is a separate issue, and if you allow yourself to believe that he only did it because he was drunk you are in for a world of hurt. Cheaters cheat drunk, and cheaters cheat sober. Monogamous people stay monogamous drunk or sober too.
There are various ways we ironically joke about it here sometimes, but the bottom line is that what you get when a cheater becomes sober is a sober cheater.
Alanon will help you figure all of this out. Please give it a chance and find a meeting so you are better prepared when he relapses.
Sorry.
Cyranoak
P.s. Nothing would make me happier than to be wrong about his relapse, but unless he goes to treatment or starts AA that's what he's going to do IMHO, and sooner than later.
More will be revealed, but if you are wearing rose covered glasses, and I believe you are, remove them.
Also, tons of alcoholics never cheat and alcohol is not a reason or excuse to cheat. It is a separate issue, and if you allow yourself to believe that he only did it because he was drunk you are in for a world of hurt. Cheaters cheat drunk, and cheaters cheat sober. Monogamous people stay monogamous drunk or sober too.
There are various ways we ironically joke about it here sometimes, but the bottom line is that what you get when a cheater becomes sober is a sober cheater.
Alanon will help you figure all of this out. Please give it a chance and find a meeting so you are better prepared when he relapses.
Sorry.
Cyranoak
P.s. Nothing would make me happier than to be wrong about his relapse, but unless he goes to treatment or starts AA that's what he's going to do IMHO, and sooner than later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
If he is most likely going to relapse and cheat again (and again) tell me why, then, anyone should stay. That sounds a life of misery and one I certainly would never want. The point is, do I give him even that chance? Under what conditions? Or do I end it now, before that next relapse/sexual encounter? Alcoholics speak, please. Tell me what I should do if I do not want him to cheat again and I do not want him to relapse and I want this to work. What is my role? Continue the tough love? Send him out?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
To share my experience, even though there was no cheating involved. I left my alcoholic wife when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. We had been married 36 years.
We all have our own limits. You will just have to determine what yours are.
Your friend,
We all have our own limits. You will just have to determine what yours are.
Your friend,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I don't know if you have a daughter, sister, mother or maybe think of your very best girl friend -
remove yourself from the situation - insert one of the above in your relationship - as it truthfully is right now -
not as it could be, should be or may be ~
and that person comes to you for suggestions - what would you suggest?
Is this the kind of relationship that you think is healthy for your sister, bestest girlfriend, mom, or a future daughter of yours?
I only ask this because this is what one of my sponsors asked me when I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue a marriage of 16 yrs to some one who refused to work a program of recovery to stay sober, honest and/or responsible.
I decided I deserve something healthier ~ Now you get to decide what you want for you
PINK HUGS & prayers for his continued recovery and the best for both of you - whatever that may be!
Rita
remove yourself from the situation - insert one of the above in your relationship - as it truthfully is right now -
not as it could be, should be or may be ~
and that person comes to you for suggestions - what would you suggest?
Is this the kind of relationship that you think is healthy for your sister, bestest girlfriend, mom, or a future daughter of yours?
I only ask this because this is what one of my sponsors asked me when I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue a marriage of 16 yrs to some one who refused to work a program of recovery to stay sober, honest and/or responsible.
I decided I deserve something healthier ~ Now you get to decide what you want for you
PINK HUGS & prayers for his continued recovery and the best for both of you - whatever that may be!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
"If he is most likely going to relapse and cheat again (and again) tell me why, then, anyone should stay. That sounds a life of misery and one I certainly would never want."
Autumn, if only I had been so quick to come to that conclusion...kudos to you!
If you can tie on your running shoes and bolt out of this relationship then go for it!! I opted to s-l-o-w-l-y, agonizingly tear the scab off a very big wound and scream and yell, rant and rave and feel like I was losing EVERYTHING--it was truly AGONY. When I look back now, almost 2 years later, I am endlessly grateful to be out of that crazy-making. UGH. You are wise to come to this forum and ask the opinions of the veterans here.
Wishing you the same outcome, though hopefully a less painful process. Alanon helped to save me from that life, and I encourage you to consider it if you're looking for additional support from people who understand what you're dealing with.
posie
Autumn, if only I had been so quick to come to that conclusion...kudos to you!
If you can tie on your running shoes and bolt out of this relationship then go for it!! I opted to s-l-o-w-l-y, agonizingly tear the scab off a very big wound and scream and yell, rant and rave and feel like I was losing EVERYTHING--it was truly AGONY. When I look back now, almost 2 years later, I am endlessly grateful to be out of that crazy-making. UGH. You are wise to come to this forum and ask the opinions of the veterans here.
Wishing you the same outcome, though hopefully a less painful process. Alanon helped to save me from that life, and I encourage you to consider it if you're looking for additional support from people who understand what you're dealing with.
posie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Boy...which comes first, the chicken or the egg? And..why do so many persons here have backstories that include promiscuous or cheating? I agree not ALL cheaters drink, but many drinkers seem to cheat.
My personal experience...the xabf has issues about self esteem that he used alcohol to deal with. And (of course), how many alcoholics are honest that they ARE alcoholics? Denial is a major key. They "lie" to themselves concerning how bad they get when drunk, and anything that happens "can't" be because they were drunk.. so it gets deflected back to being our fault. SOMETIMES.. when they sober up and face reality, they can take responsibility. Sometimes not.
My situation involved several fights..each of which involved him being drunk, and hurtful/ abusive/ completely oblivious to anything except his own needs and thoughts. After the last one..he refused to call me for more than a week..justifying in his mind that we were "done", during which he jumped into a relationship with another woman. When he finally manned up enough to talk to me..he did not make it clear that we were done, AND after listening to me, acknowledged that I had not been at fault for the fight in any way. I was not aware that he was dumping me. During the next month or more, he continued to come (sporadically), claimed to still love me, and yes, it included intimacy that he initiated. During all this..I wasn't aware how much he was involved with "her", so I chose to believe him, or tried to.
At this point, who knows if he cheated on me with her..cheated on her with me..or just majorly made a mess of things. I KNOW he has lied to her, and was not honest with me.
Never mind the details... what relationship can survive without trust? You cannot trust an alcoholic to not drink, if they have not truly gone into sobriety. And (my opinion) their entire logic process gets screwed around, so it takes pulling teeth to have honesty (and rebuild trust).
It's a huge struggle for any of us to cope with the emotions, and define what we accept, what we forgive and what we walk away from. The consensus is the safest way is completely walk away for your own sanity.
But.. you are the only one who can truly define what you have to do. I really know how it hurts. Still hurting.
My personal experience...the xabf has issues about self esteem that he used alcohol to deal with. And (of course), how many alcoholics are honest that they ARE alcoholics? Denial is a major key. They "lie" to themselves concerning how bad they get when drunk, and anything that happens "can't" be because they were drunk.. so it gets deflected back to being our fault. SOMETIMES.. when they sober up and face reality, they can take responsibility. Sometimes not.
My situation involved several fights..each of which involved him being drunk, and hurtful/ abusive/ completely oblivious to anything except his own needs and thoughts. After the last one..he refused to call me for more than a week..justifying in his mind that we were "done", during which he jumped into a relationship with another woman. When he finally manned up enough to talk to me..he did not make it clear that we were done, AND after listening to me, acknowledged that I had not been at fault for the fight in any way. I was not aware that he was dumping me. During the next month or more, he continued to come (sporadically), claimed to still love me, and yes, it included intimacy that he initiated. During all this..I wasn't aware how much he was involved with "her", so I chose to believe him, or tried to.
At this point, who knows if he cheated on me with her..cheated on her with me..or just majorly made a mess of things. I KNOW he has lied to her, and was not honest with me.
Never mind the details... what relationship can survive without trust? You cannot trust an alcoholic to not drink, if they have not truly gone into sobriety. And (my opinion) their entire logic process gets screwed around, so it takes pulling teeth to have honesty (and rebuild trust).
It's a huge struggle for any of us to cope with the emotions, and define what we accept, what we forgive and what we walk away from. The consensus is the safest way is completely walk away for your own sanity.
But.. you are the only one who can truly define what you have to do. I really know how it hurts. Still hurting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 5
I know a little something about the "double whammy" of recovery and infidelity then trying to recover. Autumn, now is the time to focus on you.
They say that when you are cheated on the process to recovery is very similar to the grieving process we go through when someone dies.
Once you have been betrayed the concept of trust no longer exists with your s/o. It takes effort from both parties to regain trust and for someone in recovery you are asking alot of them to face their own demons and then be transparent with you so that you can recover. Trust me on this one, the pressure I inadvertently put on my W neither helped her recovery or our marriage. It stalled progress for both of us.
What to do? Keep coming back to these forums, find one on infidelity and share your story. Look into counseling or read "Not just Friends", "after the Affair" or "Survining Infidelity" each of them helps put in perspective that this is not about you. Find something that makes you happy, it will be a nice diversion form the images.
As for the whole truth...there are those that want every detail and those that only need to know it happened. Personally, I don't think I could have handled every detail...it was bad enough with my imagination
My prayers are with you...
They say that when you are cheated on the process to recovery is very similar to the grieving process we go through when someone dies.
Once you have been betrayed the concept of trust no longer exists with your s/o. It takes effort from both parties to regain trust and for someone in recovery you are asking alot of them to face their own demons and then be transparent with you so that you can recover. Trust me on this one, the pressure I inadvertently put on my W neither helped her recovery or our marriage. It stalled progress for both of us.
What to do? Keep coming back to these forums, find one on infidelity and share your story. Look into counseling or read "Not just Friends", "after the Affair" or "Survining Infidelity" each of them helps put in perspective that this is not about you. Find something that makes you happy, it will be a nice diversion form the images.
As for the whole truth...there are those that want every detail and those that only need to know it happened. Personally, I don't think I could have handled every detail...it was bad enough with my imagination
My prayers are with you...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by autumn99 
If he is most likely going to relapse and cheat again (and again) tell me why, then, anyone should stay. That sounds a life of misery and one I certainly would never want. The point is, do I give him even that chance? Under what conditions? Or do I end it now, before that next relapse/sexual encounter? Alcoholics speak, please. Tell me what I should do if I do not want him to cheat again and I do not want him to relapse and I want this to work. What is my role? Continue the tough love? Send him out?
This decision isn't about what you *should* do (i.e. what other people believe is right), but rather, it's about what you WANT to do...and there's nothing that says you have to decide right now. Heck, you could decide not to decide for a while, say a few months, and give yourself time to think about things. Generally, whenever I'm ITCHING for an answer, the response I get from people here is "Wait, and more will be revealed"...and without fail, something always is revealed to me, in its own time. So, give yourself permission not to decide if you don't feel ready. When you do feel ready, you'll know what to do.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Alcoholics make risky decisions. A lot. Even when they're dry.
As an ACOA, I can tell you my bio-dad was always an alcoholic and a cheater. After he sobered up and started working his program and married his secretary, I believe he continued his cheating ways. No proof. Just my gut feeling. I oftentimes wonder if she thinks he was the prize she thought she was getting.
As an ACOA, I can tell you my bio-dad was always an alcoholic and a cheater. After he sobered up and started working his program and married his secretary, I believe he continued his cheating ways. No proof. Just my gut feeling. I oftentimes wonder if she thinks he was the prize she thought she was getting.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Autumn99
It was my husband's affair that actually started me on the road to healing.
After five years of "tolerating" his drinking behavior for me the infidelity with a friend of mine tip the scales and got me working.
Within 24hrs of finding out about the affair I finally surrendered and got myself into the doors of Al-anon. Though it is designed to help those with loved ones who struggle with alcoholism many of the princinples have helped me to heal not only from living with a problem drinker, but from the scars of an affair also.
One of the best things I did for myself was to decide not to decide right away, about any of it. I gave the relationship six months to see what would happen. I was making myself an anxious crazy mess trying to decide when I was still in the throes of the trauma and drauma. That helped to take the pressure off.
I agree with Lancelink's readings, those all helped me a lot. I have other ones too if you want some more.
Take care of you, and though sorry for the reason, I am glad you are here.
The decision was made for me in less than six months. I still have a lot of emotions about it, but I am glad for the growth the situation has provided for me.
It was my husband's affair that actually started me on the road to healing.
After five years of "tolerating" his drinking behavior for me the infidelity with a friend of mine tip the scales and got me working.
Within 24hrs of finding out about the affair I finally surrendered and got myself into the doors of Al-anon. Though it is designed to help those with loved ones who struggle with alcoholism many of the princinples have helped me to heal not only from living with a problem drinker, but from the scars of an affair also.
One of the best things I did for myself was to decide not to decide right away, about any of it. I gave the relationship six months to see what would happen. I was making myself an anxious crazy mess trying to decide when I was still in the throes of the trauma and drauma. That helped to take the pressure off.
I agree with Lancelink's readings, those all helped me a lot. I have other ones too if you want some more.
Take care of you, and though sorry for the reason, I am glad you are here.
The decision was made for me in less than six months. I still have a lot of emotions about it, but I am glad for the growth the situation has provided for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by autumn99
Alcoholics speak, please..
Originally Posted by autumn99
I want to or just do see the infidelity as a separate issue from the alcohol, while I do realize they each contributed to each other. For example, I am taking the infidelity very personally, but not the alcoholism.
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Tons of alcoholics never cheat and alcohol is not a reason or excuse to cheat. It is a separate issue, and if you allow yourself to believe that he only did it because he was drunk you are in for a world of hurt. Cheaters cheat drunk, and cheaters cheat sober. Monogamous people stay monogamous drunk or sober too.
However, no matter how far gone and no matter how bad the drinking, alcoholics still wake up at some point sober (at least for a while) -- and that is the point of recognition, in which we can still assess our actions against our own personal morality.
Had I ever woken up from a crazy night of drinking to remember that I had slept with someone, I would have had one of two reactions:
But to go out and continue doing that, with three different women, and to blame it on the drinking? I don't buy it. Alcohol may be a contributing factor (though not an excuse) to one indiscretion, but to three affairs in the space of a year? It definitely seems to me that you should treat these as separate issues, and not allow your partner to use alcohol as an excuse or justification. The "multiple offenses" indicate to me that there are deeper underlying issues of commitment and respect that have nothing to do with drinking.
Anyhow, that's my two cents. Having been on the receiving end of infidelity, I know that if the answer to why it had happened had solely been "because I was drunk," I would have kicked my wife to the curb. Ultimately that's not the answer I got, and so I can tell you that relationships can survive infidelity. But maybe not all relationships should survive it.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide, and I am sorry you are hurting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Friends,
The night before last, I asked my partner to stay at a friend's for a day or two or three (we agreed to check in by phone several times per day). My pain from the affairs was excruciating and I couldn't stop myself from antagonizing him about the gritty, ugly details of each one, digging into the whys and personal causes. I knew he was suffering from all of my questioning--I was very hostile-- and really we weren't getting anywhere. I believed that the best thing to do was to have some time apart.
He relapsed, he admitted just a few hours ago, after choosing to stay with a friend who has his own alcohol problems and who was drinking when he arrived. My partner told me he had two stiff drinks, probably straight whiskey in the glass. He says he is upset about it and will do this, this, and this to address the problem.
I am devastated. On top of it, I am having a difficult time sleeping and I simply have had no appetite for several days. Furthermore, I've had to wait all week to get STD testing. I feel dirty and sad and afraid. If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
The night before last, I asked my partner to stay at a friend's for a day or two or three (we agreed to check in by phone several times per day). My pain from the affairs was excruciating and I couldn't stop myself from antagonizing him about the gritty, ugly details of each one, digging into the whys and personal causes. I knew he was suffering from all of my questioning--I was very hostile-- and really we weren't getting anywhere. I believed that the best thing to do was to have some time apart.
He relapsed, he admitted just a few hours ago, after choosing to stay with a friend who has his own alcohol problems and who was drinking when he arrived. My partner told me he had two stiff drinks, probably straight whiskey in the glass. He says he is upset about it and will do this, this, and this to address the problem.
I am devastated. On top of it, I am having a difficult time sleeping and I simply have had no appetite for several days. Furthermore, I've had to wait all week to get STD testing. I feel dirty and sad and afraid. If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Autumn99-
I understand the worry, but he is an adult and responsible for his own behavior.
I spent most of last fall worried about my loved one, and all it got me was more worry.
What can you do for you?
I understand the worry, but he is an adult and responsible for his own behavior.
I spent most of last fall worried about my loved one, and all it got me was more worry.
What can you do for you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
"I feel dirty and sad and afraid. If I let him go, he will drink. That is clear to me now. Understanding this, can I live with myself if I let him go? Everything feels so uncertain."
Autumn, he will drink (or not) regardless of what you do. What YOU do has nothing to do with HIS actions. You are putting yourself into a trap of believing that you have control over something that you have no control over.
I know, because I've been there...almost identical situations, actually.
You are worried about his cheating, drinking and your possible exposure to STDs. This partner of yours doesn't sound like someone to write home about, know what I mean?
You can be happy, loving and respectful with yourself. It's possible. And in fact, that's actually probable if you can get to Alanon, therapy, reading literature about these topics and/or continuing reading and posting here.
Believe me, I get it...we all do. You're not alone.
posie
Autumn, he will drink (or not) regardless of what you do. What YOU do has nothing to do with HIS actions. You are putting yourself into a trap of believing that you have control over something that you have no control over.
I know, because I've been there...almost identical situations, actually.
You are worried about his cheating, drinking and your possible exposure to STDs. This partner of yours doesn't sound like someone to write home about, know what I mean?
You can be happy, loving and respectful with yourself. It's possible. And in fact, that's actually probable if you can get to Alanon, therapy, reading literature about these topics and/or continuing reading and posting here.
Believe me, I get it...we all do. You're not alone.
posie
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'm sorry for the loss of your Grandmother and I'm sorry for the loss of what you thought was a relationship with potential. Double whammys are hard to digest. Take some time to yourself and you will be able to see things more clearly as you heal.
A person with a healthy dose of self worth and self esteem would not tolerate what the love of your life did to you. You don't sound to me like some one that would put up with that crap.
A person with a healthy dose of self worth and self esteem would not tolerate what the love of your life did to you. You don't sound to me like some one that would put up with that crap.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Deserto
Had your partner had a single episode with one person, I think you could chalk it up at least in part to alcohol and being drunk and losing inhibitions and common sense, etc. There would still be underlying issues that would need to be addressed, but I could understand that.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
I am in agreement that cheating and drinking are two separate issues although they may well share from the same defect well.
My wife, no matter how drunk or what the circumstances or opportunity (and there were plenty), never cheated.
I've seen some cheating alcoholics get sober only to cheat more almost in compensation.
My wife, no matter how drunk or what the circumstances or opportunity (and there were plenty), never cheated.
I've seen some cheating alcoholics get sober only to cheat more almost in compensation.
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Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, whether alcohol is involved or not. Alcohol is not an excuse to cheat, become violent, not work for a living, or many other things that sometimes get attributed to it. Of course, the flip side is that if we believe the unacceptable behavior is "because" of the alcohol, then we assume that eliminating the alcohol will eliminate the behavior. It usually doesn't.
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