arch2000

So I am new to this site but I am very glad that I found it. I will try to keep this as short as possible. We have been struggling financially for quite awhile now and I couldn't figure out why things were so bad. I found that all my husband and I did was fight over money. It also seemed like he was making up excuses to turn a 30 minute errand into a 4 hour ordeal. Every payday there would be something going wrong with the car, unforseen expenses ect. Our water got shut off for non-payment and although I was upset I just told him to pay it and get it back on. My in-laws live close by so we used their house for our water needs. 3 days passed and the water was not back on. He called the company and said he got it straightened out. He did this in front of me. So payday comes around again and I expect my water to be back on and my husband to be at home. Well, hubby didn't show up because he had lied and faked the whole conversation with the water company. I got the mail and saw that every utility in my house was due to be shut off. Needless to say I took the kids and went to my in-laws. After 4 hours AH finally answered the phone with excuse after excuse. I told him that if he didn't tell me what the hell was going on then he would n't see the kids again. He told me he had been gambling. I was so pissed that he could just throw away money that we needed for the kids.

After a couple of day I sought counseling for us together for his gambling. We went to the first appointment 2 weeks ago and AH said he felt good about everything. Guess what. He blew his next paycheck completely. He tried to lie and say payroll screwed up and that he would be payed by monday. On monday he dropped a bombshell. He has had a cocaine problem for a year. He would spend money on coke and then try to win it back gambling which usually resulted in him losing everyhing. He begged me to help him and he had already joined a drug behavioral class. He said he had spun out of control and had finally hit bottom.

I couldn't speak to him for a few days because I just wasn't sure how to react. I'm still not really sure. I knew something was going on and I guess I suspected drugs.I just have not had any experience with these things. He has been moody and I really thought he was bipolar for awhile. Even the gambling counselor wanted him to be tested for ADHD. I felt like he hasn't really been present in our lives in awhile. Anyway, I decided to be proactive and did my research. I have attended 3 NA meeting with him and we have tried to talk. According to him he has been clean for 9 days now. I would love to believe him but he is a professional liar. I want to be there for him because even if I decide that I can't stay in the relationship he is still a father.

I just don't know what else to do. I am still not in the house because the water and gas are still off and I don't think I would want to be there even if they were on. I have anxiety all of the time and I feel like his needs have outwayed my own. Does anyone out there have experience with this addiction? Friends, family and especially addicts themselves are welcome to respond. I want to know how you or your loved one has coped with cocaine addiction. What is the best way to help someone without dictating their recovery? Should I continue to stay out of the home even after the utilities are back on? I feel better when I am around him but I know it is only because I know he is not using. How do I get over that frame of mind? Thank you to all who read my ramblings.

TMZ

Thanks for sharing, and welcome.
Glad you found us, this is the right place.

First thing you must know is you cant control it you are powerless over them and it.
It is good he goes to NA but you should go to nar-anon.

He has to want to help himself, and they only do that when they hit rock bottom. You can only control you. Although you can suggest he seek recovery. He needs to find a rehab and go in, but he has to want it.

I am sorry you have to suffer this disease of addiction but it affects the whole family. We will be here for you, and help you walk through it. Keep posting and sharing your issues with it.

Sending strength and prayers.

outtolunch

Lots of fine folks here with too much experience.

Addiction is addiction, regardless if it's gaming, drugs, alcohol, porn and more.
Whatever he's telling you is only part of the truth cause addiction demands he protect it at all costs.

Absolutely none of this is personal. It just feels that way. If our love could cure this, none of us would be here.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Since you are not an addict, it makes no sense that you are seeking therapy for gambling and attending NA meetings with him. These are his addictions and only he can do something about the root causes, when and if he's ready to do so.

We here talk about our own recovery from codependency, our common bond. You see most of us came here looking for ways to sustain our own fantasies that we have control over other people, their choices and consequences. Reality is, the only one we control is ourself and our reaction to the situation.

Please consider taking the time to read through the stickies at the top of this forum. The more you read, the more you will understand how similar our stories are.

arch2000

There are no nar-anon meetings in our city and it was recommended that I attend open NA meetings with him at least once a week. That part is fine with me. I have been welcomed with open arms and encouraged to come back. The gambling counseling is done through the state and the counselor is not even aware of his drug problem yet. We are going to another apointment in a couple of days. Once again, the counselor wants me to attend these sessions for right now. He also wants us to go to open GA meetings. The only support we have here for friends and families of addicts is AL-Anon. This is the reason I was so happy to find online support. I do understand that he needs to fight his own addiction but I have sought out help from professionals to find out what I could do to support the recovery process. I will not hold his hand through all of this and he claims he wants to attend the majority of meetings himself. He attends his drug classes once a weeks right now and I have never been to any of them. As far as his lying goes, I know all he is doing is protecting his addiction at all cost. My fear is I will never get to the place of really believing he is clean.

Windblown

My AS son's drug of choice is coke. He started dealing to support his habit. I did not know he was doing coke for months. Don't feel bad for not knowing....the hiding and lying is part of the disease of addiction...and the more you love the addict the easier it is for them to con you.

I would personally not go to his meetings. He may need to share things to help his recovery but be unwilling to if you are there out of embarrassment or fear of you hearing the truth. Like Anvil said...he's given you a smoothed over version of the truth.

Alanon or naranon or even coda groups...or your very own counsellor....can really teach you how to cope with your life. Not his.

I had to learn to say NO to giving money. I had to learn to stop obsessing on HIM. I had to change the locks. I had to start getting MY own life. These sentences should not be in the past tense; I have to wake up every day and do this all over again.

hello-kitty

Hi. Glad you found us. Sorry that you are in this situation. You are not alone.

If you can't find nar-anon in your area, look for al-anon.

Your husband needs to work his recovery program - on his own. That doesn't mean you can't support him. You can. By staying out of his program and focusing on your own issues.

Addiction is first and foremost a family disease. That means we all get sick - even if we are not using drugs. Our behavior and our thought patterns become very dysfunctional when we live in a dysfunctional situation.

I recommend you also check out a book called CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie. You'll find useful information about enabling behaviors and how to make wise choices for your life, no matter what your husband chooses to do.

Ilovemysonjj

[I had to learn to say NO to giving money. I had to learn to stop obsessing on HIM. I had to change the locks. I had to start getting MY own life. These sentences should not be in the past tense; I have to wake up every day and do this all over again.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this Windblown....My son is my A. I am at this point now, no money even though he is in rehab now. I obsess daily about what he is doing, what is happening, what he is feeling, etc. This is me in step 1 and as you say, it is every day to reaffirm.

Impurrfect

(((arch))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what brought you here. I'm both an RA (recovering addict - crack) and a recovering codie (codependent) who spent a couple decades in relationships with men who were A's (addicts).

I can only speak for myself, but what got ME into recovery was getting sick and tired of the consequences that piled up. I was over 40 when I had to move back home, thanks to the financial and career damage I'd done. I quit the crack, but didn't work on me, and relapsed about 1-1/2 years later.

I'd never stolen anything from my family, except their peace of mind and that was a biggie. As far as trust? I had to earn it. I felt like a kid again, telling dad/stepmom when I was working, what time to expect me home, yes I paid my bills (they knew this because my car wasn't repossessed). If they called me, I'd better answer the phone or call them back if I wasn't able to because the first sign they had of my relapse was not answering the phone.

Was it fun? Absolutely not, but I knew that it was my place to earn the trust back, I had no right to think otherwise. I was also allowed to deal with the court system, earn the money to pay back a lot of fines and deal with all the bill collectors.

Though my family has been supportive, I am grateful that they let me dig a really deep hole and figure a way to get back out of it. I'm still in the hole, financially, at the age of 50. If I had the money I spent on crack in 2 years? I could own a really nice house. Instead, I'm still living with dad/stepmom, back in school, but I also have their complete trust.

One more thing, as (((OTL))) pointed out. Though it feels totally personal, it's not. I never thought about anything but what I wanted..to get high. The few times I came down long enough to realize how I was hurting my family? I used. That was my way of dealing with everything.

Can he recover? Sure, but he has to want it more than anything in his life. For me, the codie recovery has been harder than the addiction one. I truly believed that I could be the person who made my ex bf's (I had 3, all A's) see the light and we'd grow old together. It took me becoming an addict to realize I just don't have that much power. None of us do. I didn't USE because of anything anyone did, and I didn't get into recovery because of anything someone said or did, other than let me deal with my consequences.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

arch2000

Impurrfect, Thank you for responding so honestly. I have tried to let my AH face his own consequences. As of right now he is staying in the house with no water and no gas. He uses his parents shower. I am gone with our sons so he is missing out on their lives as well. It seems as though he is trying to be more present in our lives now, but I know there is no such thing as a quick fix. My FIL is trying to take control over his paychecks because none of feel he can handle having money on him at any time. He seems frustrated with having to answer to his parents as an adult, however, as you said the trust needs to be rebuilt.

I don't really feel like I can be the one who fixes him. I have 2 cousins who have suffered with addiction for years and I have seen them hit rock bottom and still not seek recovery. I've seen the state take their children away. I know he has to really want sobriety, and I know it is not enough to want it for him. When he asks me to go to an NA meeting with him I attend if I can. I do not change plans for him or go out of my way to make things easier. I hope this is my way of letting him stand on his own 2 feet. Unfortunately I work in a bookstore so I over read everything which may make me overanalyze everything. I have found some really good books on co-dependency and recovery for families of addicts. I can relate to some things and not to others. I think my main thing is I don't want his addiction to take over mine and the kids lives. In a way I feel like that has been exactly what has happened. I have had to rearrange so much to ensure my children were ok. I am a mom first and I always will be.

Even though you may not be where you want to be ideally, I applaud your recovery and I hope that your life has grown more fullfilling. I pray my AH has the strength to jump completely into his recovery. We will be there on the other side waiting with open arms. He says he has reached the point where he can't go on using and lying. I guess the only thing we can offer him is time to find his way and an ear to listen.

Just out of my own curiousity, did you and your family ever seek joint counseling to help heal the gap created by addiction?

verylost

The only way for your life and your children's lives not be wrapped up in either the addiction or the recovery is to stay away from your AH. My AH has a cocaine and gambling problem as well. He went to rehab, he seemed to be doing so much better and it's been a few months. Well...I started to trust him...I gave him one of his old credit cards b/c he said he needed the information to pay the bill...well instead he took out money to gamble. I have read all kinds of codependency and addiction books...I thought I was doing well at letting him be...but what I didn't realize was that I was still actually cushioning him. I was protecting him by controlling his access to everything. Anyway my AH is now moving out...and it's heartbreaking and it's so upsetting for my poor little son...but I've already started to see this little bit of peace and I think there will be more in my future. It's not my problem anymore if he makes horrible choices...me and the kids are going to live our lives free of addiction and I can't help but think it'll be better for them. It's going to be really hard and I'm going to be so sad and I'm going to want to check up with AH regularly and I'm going to slip up and get sucked back in occasionally...but I have to remember this is what's best for me and the kids. I'm sure you've read all the information about what living with an active addict does to children and it's not good. Now if AH really stays clean and can show me he has become a good honest reliable man on his on without my help....ok we can talk then...but until then I have 2 kids and myself to focus on and that's what I'm going to try to do. Anyway...what I'm trying to say is that you need to let your AH be...personally I'd try to take the house back, turn the utilities back on and get him out if you can....so you probably need to talk to a lawyer. He has to want to do this on his own for him.

Impurrfect

(((arch))) - no, there was never any family counseling. Truth be told, my stepmom has her own addiction/major codie issues, dad has become a codie over the years, and my 18-year-old niece is heading down the path of my stepmom (her grandmother and guardian).

In other words, my home is "dysfunction junction". It's taken me all these years, and a whole lot of ES&H from the people here to let them be them and deal with their consequences. I've learned how to set boundaries, got a whole lotta resistance at first, but it's gotten better. At 18, my niece doesn't have a clue what consequences are for bad behavior.

I no longer call my stepmom out when she's dazed from her meds. When dad is angry, makes an idle threat or complains about stepmom or niece, I tell him "you've said this before, you don't DO anything about it, so I really don't want to hear it". When niece goes into a rage, I barricade myself in my room, turn up the TV volume, and usually get on SR Yes, I still have my slips into codie land, I just don't stay there very long.

Thing is, I still work MY recovery, though I do slip. Personally, I don't believe any kind of counseling works when an A is involved, until they are clean and working on recovery. We are stuck in denial, justification for our actions, and want to blame others. I've seen many people on here who tried the marriage counseling thing. What does help a lot of people, though, is finding support for you and the kids. Whether it's al-anon, ala-teen, SR, counselor, whatever. We have a tendency to think we're crazy, question whether we're doing the right thing, and SR has been a huge help to me, in that respect, as well as some pretty awesome friends and family who are only a phone call away.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy