ddrayer

Hi All,

October has been a real struggle. It was only in the last month or two that I have really come to accept I have a real real problem. I have tried to quit drinking and would go 7 days sober and then fall back, 12 days sober and another fall. I keep fighting but each time it hurts worse. Finally I have accepted:

I am an alcoholic, I am completely and utterly powerless over alcohol.

Have been off and on going to AA meetings (well only 3 so far) but last night I went and made a real effort to engage people especially after the meeting. I have a sponser now and will start working the steps.

Yesterday I felt so awful, it is clear to me that if I don't find a way to overcome this, alcohol will kill me very very soon. I can feel my body just rejecting what I am doing to it. I am scared, I hurt, I feel sick and of course, as an alcoholic I have screwed up everything in my life. Lucky to still have a job after the last 4 months. I know there's nothing unique to my situation, but I feel more alone and fearful then I ever have in my life. The one support I always had during my times of struggle (alcohol) is killing me and now I feel so lost on how to cope with just the daily grind. Unlike others, I have no real obstacles in my life. I grew up in a middle class family and had most of what I needed and even wanted readily avaliable. So for me its so hard to admit it. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. (Self pity I know really I am not looking for any sympathy, just trying to get my thoughts out).

I apollogize for the ramblings. thank you. Love to all of you in your personal struggles and journeys.

Anna

Yeah, that's what alcohol does. It pulls us in and before we know it, we are a slave to it.

You said that you have stopped drinking for periods of time, but went back to it. Did you make any other changes in your life during the times you weren't drinking? It's good to remember that alcoholism is a symptom and you need to deal with the underlying issues in your life in order to begin to recover.

There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.

dizzydolphin

First welcome to SR, this is a great place to vent when having bad times. You are not weak or pathetic! You need support to help u get through this, as we all do that come here.

Opivotal

I know when I first came here ddrayer I felt sorry for myself, regretful, and very fragile. The wonderful people here helped build me up and showed me compassion, when I had none for myself. What I learned is that Recovery is a process. Sometimes slow, sometimes just plain hard....but everyday I'm sober is a GIFT. Please keep coming to SR and posting...maybe we can carry you when the burden gets too hard. There are so many people here walking in your shoes. Think of today...and the gifts you've been given, it may make you feel a bit better.

:ghug3


Best Wishes To You!!

ddrayer

Thanks guys! The support from people here is great. And surprisingly I have found friends and family to be really supportive as well. I live on my own so was really successful in hiding how bad my problem was (this is not a good thing).

I have tried to make positive changes. I have started attending church again for the first time in years, making an effort to stay more physically active etc. I don't know what else to change.

Thanks again for the well wishes I will keep reading and keep going to meetings. I know this is something I have to do now.

keithurbanfan

I think you'll find amazing support here. Come back often, if only to read.

ddrayer

For me its just the stresses of daily life that lead me to drink. There is a bit in the big book that someone quoted in a fairly recent thread. I believe its in the Doctor's Opinion. It talks about the business man who is facing a big deadline and ends up drinking and screwing it up. Its nothing big or crushing that leads me to drink, its more the: oh this will help me relax and deal with the stresses of daily life, its only a drink or two. Then inevitably I end up a 12 pack later completely functionless. I woke up Sunday morning on the floor in my family room with all the lights on and completely clothed with no memory of the night before. Thats not a life I want for myself anymore.

ddrayer

Thanks Keith! Although as a Gator fan can't say I'm very happy with you right now brutal game this weekend.

Charon

Drink lots of water or other NA liquids, eat well, sleep as much as you can, think daily about the pain you had right before quitting, continuously ask yourself "Do I really want to go through the agony of early sobreity again?", plan your day the night before so you have a full day with no time to drink or aquire alcohol (Note: what gets done gets done there is always tomorrow for the rest) - these are the things that I rely on.

I have found myself happier, accomplishing more, healthier, able to sleep well, and more. You can do it and it is worth it. Hold Fast.

"H O L D F A S T" It's an old sailor's tradition; it meant both to hang on tight (which was life and death on an old ship, in a storm), but meant to be strong, be brave. It also had a faith connotation, hold to our faith in the face of fear and temptation; strength, stubbornness, resistance to the storms and the attacks. Hang on, batten down, stand strong. Hold Fast.

tanja

Ddrayer, I like your opening line "still trying". I know it is disappointing when you have a relapse. But, try and view it as a learning experience. If counting days isn't beneficial then don't go that route. I can relate to your post on waking up on the floor with no memory. I had a relapse and fell down on the dining floor with the dog looking up at me with concern. There was absolutely nothing pleasurable about drinking and that memory stays with me. Active alcoholism is a horrible way to live. Well, it really isn't living, is it? Even if you take away the serious health risks (and that is a huge aside), it is just not living fully nor in the way I want. Keep trying, don't give up and take it one day at a time. We are all with you

ddrayer

Thanks guys. Today has not been going well. I am a graduate student and am currently looking for work. My professor today came in and told me basically, you have no chance of getting a job. One job I had an interview with isn't returning calls. I am facing zero income very soon. So thats great for my second day trying to stay sober again. I will call some of the people I met last night at the AA meeting I guess.

Realizing that yes alcohol has been my escape.

Opivotal

Please remember DRINKING will not improve your chances for any job. We never know what tomorrow may bring our way. Have faith in yourself and keep reaching out like your doing. You can get through this!!



Best Wishes To You!

Aegian

Hi DD,

Welcome to SR!

Something stuck out at me from your opening post: "The one support I always had during my times of struggle (alcohol) is killing me".

IMO, alcohol was never a support during times of trouble. If anything, it was the catalyst that kept you from learning how to deal with stress and made the stressful situations 1000% more difficult to manage. Not when you were under stress (as it is an escape hatch), but the overall effects over time breaking down your physical and mental ability to process information. Think of it as Stockholm Syndrome. Took me WAY too long to learn that for myself and even after I understood that, I kept on keeping on. *sigh*

On another note - What on earth would possess a professor to say something like that to one of their students?

ddrayer

Hi Aegian,

Thanks for the welcome. I have been on the site for a month but still learning lessons the hard way. I guess what I meant in my opening post was not so much "my only support" but more "my only escape." I realize it wasn't a positive form of support or encouragment. You are right, I used alcohol to hide from stresses, thus making problems that much worse. I am afraid I have done that again recently. Honestly, this morning has felt like my entire world is unraveling. My Professor basically told me my job market paper was not good enough and that my odds of getting an offer this year were close to nil (deadlines in academia are approaching quickly). I am working so much just to keep myself fed clothed (and honestly much of it went to booze) that I have little time to focus on actual studies. This is totally a product of my own creation. Again, I am not looking for sympathy, I am just scared and trying to cope without my old stand by. A normal day I would already be half way to drunk with a day like today.

Aegian

Hi DD,

Glad to hear that was about an academia deadline and not your choice of major. The latter happened to a friend - 4 years of Grad school to be told by our Prof that their choice of major was basically meaningless. Where was this guy 4 years before, right?

If you are at your window in higher Ed, you may want to think about refocusing on something less mentally strenuous for employment right now. This has both the advantage of allowing you to take more time and not be as rushed for your CV and application as well as allowing your head to clear as you take these next few steps in life while you wait for the window to reopen.

Best wishes to you!

tanja

DDryer,

Pat yourself on the back! You stated "A normal day I would already be half way to drunk with a day like today". You are reaching out, not drinking and showing a tremendous amount of courage.

pootles

I admire you for holding steady during such a difficult time.

No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that I 100% relate to this (and also live alone). In fact, it was waking up on the sofa at 5am on Monday - still half cut (when I was due at work at 8am), with the TV still on and no recollection of passing out in the first place which brought be here yesterday.

Keep strong, ddrayer.

Dee74

It's true some professors have spent their whole life in academia and have zero people/social skills

That said he might have been trying to light a fire under you, ddrayer?

One lesson I never learned until I got this side of recovery is 'nothing changes if nothing changes'

Maybe its time to start making a list of positive changes you can make right now ddrayer - if AA's your thing maybe more meetings? getting a sponsor doing the steps?

Would counselling be useful? is rehab an option? would another recovery group like SMART or Rational Recovery be a useful adjunct?

There's always a way out of addiction...sometimes we need to turn over a few stones to look for it tho
D

ddrayer

Thank you all. Still at work today, its already been an 11 hour day and I have about 4 more to go. I just got off the phone with my sponsor. Not sure hes the greatest sponser ever but for now its better than nothing. I feel crushing overwhelming fear. Anxiety is through the roof. Life seems so unmanagable. There is nothing actually that crazy going on, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Is there really hope? Sorry today has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I feel bad about the stream of conciousness posts.

I do believe he was trying to light a fire to some extent - but honestly its too late in the process for that. I would have to stay another year if I don't get hired. His suggestion was to become a professional tutor (I have to admit tutoring is about the only thing I am good at, make a really good side living at it). Do know of at least 1 person making 6 figures USD doing that. So i guess not all is lost.

ddrayer

Most of my profs have ZERO people skills, an attraction of academia? Weird when you consider they teach for a living?