juliep

Last night when I got to my boyfriends I was greeted with the usual: wobbly, slurred, forgetful, repeating himself, beer breath.... you know the story.
Things I have learned to accept.

We had a nice evening, ate a meal, watched a DVD then he asked why I dont want to get intimate with him anymore.

I said we had had this conversation before and he knows that I will 'tolerate' his lifestyle but it upsets me and he must understand I don't feel such a physical attachment to him when he has been drinking, despite the fact that I love him very much and want to spend time with him.

He pushed for more info so I explained: the wobbliness, slurred and he smells of alcohol.
He said "Would it help if I brushed my teeth?"
Aaarrggh!!!!!

Then I got the "I thought you loved me", "I am not a bad person", "I havent done anything wrong", "Don't you like me?" again, and again, and again....... and again, and again.
Twisting everything.

It is hard at this point for me to detach/ignore/stay strong.

Has anyone had similar experiences?
And how do you deal with the situation?

Thanks
x

Seren

Back in the day, I would sometimes go to bars with my friends and run into some guy who could barely stand, was slurring his words, whose eyes were about crossed in the back of his head........and I would try to get as far away as possible.

I'm very sorry you are experiencing this with your boyfriend.

Eight Ball

I am sorry that you are dealing with this too.

Its been my experience that sexual relations are extremely important to men - alcoholic or not. If there is very little intimacy in your relationship, even though its down to the consequences of his drinking, the relationship will suffer and he will continue to blame the lack of sex on you. Sex is important to your BF, so is his drinking - that's his life but what about yours?

Why dont you want a 'whole' relationship? You love him and want to spend time with him but at what cost to you. You are important, your life is important too and you deserve to have a full, intimate relationship with someone who is capable of reciprocating in every way.

tryintosmile

Yep - this is what happened to me. They don't understand how disgusting it can be. Not a great place to be, but I would suggest that you talk to him when he is sober and explain that if he cares enough, he will wait until 'after' to start drinking.

Programmatic

Just so you know, it's equally repulsive when it's the woman who is drunk, slurring and stinking.

I can tolerate a lot but when it devolves to the repetitive self-pitying questions and statements I bail. It is fruitless to stick around at that point. I make a firm statement after about a third time that if I get asked such and such question again that I will leave. When the question inevitably emits I politely but hastily make my exit.

MsPINKAcres

Everyone is worth of dignity, self-respect and honor ~

If a person cannot or will not give that to you - don't you think you deserve something better?

From my perspective, repeated request/demands/pressures for physical intimacy at the disregard of my feelings, conditions or limits is a form of attempted manipulation, abuse and disrespect. NOT LOVE!

I have learned I am worth more than that!
and I believe every one is - women and men!

Just how I feel about - I wish you strength and courage to find a way to a happier, safer life!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

jOSE2

From my prespective JulieP
"he is just that, and ABF" ,I'd read other posts on this site- of how living with an AH/W- for some 15-20-30 years drags a person down mentally,physically,spirtually,and for lots, me included monitary-ask me what its like trying to sort out bankruptsy,I believe I became and expert on that subject !
For my part too,It put me off him big time-sexually or otherwise.
I am now 15months away from my ExAH ,best thing I ever did for me !,though even now this last few weeks has now reverted to stalk me,and am trying to stay strong and live in the day,he scares me.His disease has progressed.If I'd have stayed with that man I would not be living in a house but most proberbly living a tent in a field somewhere.So am grateful I have a home ,food and a car that works

Best wishes

choublak

Try talking to him when he's sober.

Record him on video when he's drunk and play it back when he is sober.

Cyranoak

You say no. I don't have sex with drunks. Ever. It's just a form of masturbation for them anyway, it is neither lovemaking nor *******. All my wife ever wanted was for me to do it so she could feel validated or better about her drinking. It didn't have a god damned thing to do with me, love, or anything else beautiful.

It was ugly.

Sorry,

Cyranoak

jOSE2

The word that comes to mind here Moribund- wouldnt have cared if I'd been a blow up doll ?

Terrible but true!

Leaping

Intimacy - or the lack thereof - was a huge issue with my husband before I asked him to leave our home. The last few times we tried were terrible, demeaning and I finally put my foot down and said NO, not when your drunk (which became all the time). HE was deeply upset by this and called me a coldfish, among other things. I did not budge from my stance and to this day he blames our divorce on my inability "to satisfy him" and told me "one hug, one kiss would changed everything". Not. My. Problem.

Your post said he met you at the door wobbly, slurring, repetitve and then you went on to say you had a nice evening which then ended with him badgering you for intimacy. This sounds like a horrible, terrible, no good very bad date to me. You deserve SO much better. I wish you the courage, the self worth, the strength to live a happy healthy life free of the evening you described above aka "the usual"....Peace/Hugs.

CagedBird

I am so with you. My AH is always griping because I don't want to be intimate. How can I be intimate with someone I barely respect? We don't talk. We don't do anyting together. We work, and then come home and I hang out with our little one, and he watches UFC. Fun. When we do talk, it's about how horrible his life is, "because of no fault of his own". Or we argue over money. Because there never is any for bills or food or diapers, but there's ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS booze in the fridge.

Sexy.

marie1960

Juliep,

I understand what you are saying.

Truly, there is no room for 3 in the bed, you, him, and his drunked up ass. I'd rather sleep with a wet dog, at least the dog is sincere and sober.
Sending you a hug)))))))))

CXR

Yes. Been there, done that. It's very hard. I don't know if it helps, but I found that the guilt or manipulation -- even if you know that's what it is -- is hard to overcome. That's when you have to stand in your truth, stand by your boundary and yes, detach. Just because he says those things, that doesn't make it true. The problem is not you, it's him.

Focus on you and stay strong. All the best.

juliep

Thanks everyone for your responses.
I am staying strong and thinking of myself, and what I want.
I love him deeply, but I respect myself too much to lose control of what I want or don't want.

Speaking to him sober is a very good idea.
x

CXR

One additional thing I want to point out -- when an alcoholic is sober, it doesn't mean you can have a logical, meaningful, etc., conversation with them. They are still an alcoholic. The "isms" may still be there -- defensiveness, manipulation, passive aggressive, blame, deflection, denial, anger, resentment, rage, and that's just a fraction of them.

I often felt that being intimate with my wife, when she wanted to be and was drunk, was actually enabling her. Now, there were no consequences so to speak, because she would want to be intimate, I would refuse, and then she would either go right to sleep or make some comment like "why are you being so mean to me and treating me so bad" and then go right to sleep. That's how belligerent and illogical she was. She would never remember what happened. Doesn't matter.

My point is that a conversation when sober is not always the answer. It doesn't always work. Sometimes it depends on where the alcoholic is in their recovery, if at all. All the best.

Terminally Unique

Well over a decade ago, I had someone tell me point blank that they would not engage in that sort of thing if I had been drinking. At the time, I thought "well, that just is not going to work," and we eventually parted ways. In hindsight, I have to conclude that they were correct to do what they did, since it is obvious where my own priorities lied, but at the time I honestly did not see anything wrong with it. Take this how you will.

choublak

That doesn't mean don't bother trying it at all.

Also, I was referring to speaking to them about how their excessive drinking is a problem, not about the specific things they did while drunk. Of course they're not going to remember a thing.

CXR

Absolutely. Try the best you can, whatever you think is best.

As I said . . .

"My point is that a conversation when sober is not always the answer. It doesn't always work." -- but absolutely try. You do what's healthy for you.

chronsweet

CB - Your life sounds more and more like mine. EXCEPT I get to get badgered about sleeping with this guy from our work (we work together - my codie ass got tired of footing all the bills for 3.5 years and finally got him a job) CONSTANTLY. It has been INCESSANT verbal and mental abuse since the day I got him the job. Because ALL RATIONAL people out there would have an affair and then get their significant other a job working directly with the person they are having an affair with. He cannot accept that I do not want to be intimate with a drunken, slobbering, a-hole who just spent the entire night calling me cold, a b**&^, crazy, a wh0re, negative, etc etc etc. Yeah, makes me want to curl up and help him get off. Sorry to be so blunt but it is infuriating.

AND do they ever consider that we are lonely and would like to be intimate but can't because of all the above and do something to change it. We all know the answer to that one.

I will get out. I am learning to cope and detach until I can. I am getting better every day. I have plans to hang w/ my friend this week, am eating healthier and going back to school. ME ME ME