how to deal with rejection
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: murrieta, ca
Posts: 18
how to deal with rejection
My husband has been sober for a little over 3 months, I'm so proud of that for him. He's come a long way. I believe he's working very hard at his recovery & it's important to him. He is currently living in a sober house, but lately I've found myself missing him terribly.
He is the love of my life, we've been together almost 11 years, married 9, (I had a daughter coming into the marriage) and we have 2 children together.
However, the last couple weeks have been rough. I feel (& other family members feel the same) that he is putting others in front of the family. He will do anything for anyone, but I ask for things around the house or just to simply spend time together & feel neglected. Like he will not remember or keep a commitment to us, but sure will to others. A couple weeks ago, I felt like I needed to try & detach, so I told him it would be best to commit to the kids on wednesdays & every other weekend.(I will accomodate by leaving our home when he has the kids as I dont think they need to be at the sober house).
Then we've had some good times together & good conversations etc, and now, I can't read him. I feel like I've done something wrong. He says I didn't, but then says he needs space to figure things out. What's that supposed to mean? He gives me a hug when we see each other, and if I'm lucky a kiss on the cheek. I'm hurting so bad inside. I can't eat, can't sleep, crying constantly, I'm doing the best I can in taking care of the kids, alone. I want so bad for him to hold me, to sleep in the same bed again. I love this man, Im trying to respect his space, but where does that leave our marriage?
My father says maybe it's him feeling his guilt over everything... I've been seeing a counselor & going to al anon, (& I know, I haven't really dove into the program yet is why I''m having a hard time) so I know some of this is normal in early recovery, but how do you cope? I'm sitting here thinking he's going to leave us, I cant bear that thought.
Am i over thinking this? I would love to read other experiences....
He is the love of my life, we've been together almost 11 years, married 9, (I had a daughter coming into the marriage) and we have 2 children together.
However, the last couple weeks have been rough. I feel (& other family members feel the same) that he is putting others in front of the family. He will do anything for anyone, but I ask for things around the house or just to simply spend time together & feel neglected. Like he will not remember or keep a commitment to us, but sure will to others. A couple weeks ago, I felt like I needed to try & detach, so I told him it would be best to commit to the kids on wednesdays & every other weekend.(I will accomodate by leaving our home when he has the kids as I dont think they need to be at the sober house).
Then we've had some good times together & good conversations etc, and now, I can't read him. I feel like I've done something wrong. He says I didn't, but then says he needs space to figure things out. What's that supposed to mean? He gives me a hug when we see each other, and if I'm lucky a kiss on the cheek. I'm hurting so bad inside. I can't eat, can't sleep, crying constantly, I'm doing the best I can in taking care of the kids, alone. I want so bad for him to hold me, to sleep in the same bed again. I love this man, Im trying to respect his space, but where does that leave our marriage?
My father says maybe it's him feeling his guilt over everything... I've been seeing a counselor & going to al anon, (& I know, I haven't really dove into the program yet is why I''m having a hard time) so I know some of this is normal in early recovery, but how do you cope? I'm sitting here thinking he's going to leave us, I cant bear that thought.
Am i over thinking this? I would love to read other experiences....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When I attached my emotional stability to the moods of other people, including my own husband, I am likely going to ride a perpetual emotional roller coaster, destined for the loony bin.
Is he employed? Is he supporting his family? Is i tpossible he has been so detached from real life, he no longer remembers how to do it , especially sober?
Is he employed? Is he supporting his family? Is i tpossible he has been so detached from real life, he no longer remembers how to do it , especially sober?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He's going through a lot of changes and that can be hard, but doesn't mean he has to neglect his family. Have you talked to him about this?
My thoughts are to keep doing what you are doing to take care of yourself and your children, and let the rest fall in place however it will.
Hugs
My thoughts are to keep doing what you are doing to take care of yourself and your children, and let the rest fall in place however it will.
Hugs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, first my alkie side will respond.
At 3 months sober, there were days I did not know if I was coming or going, and I can say the same for most of the sponsees I've had over the last 30+ years. It can take up to 2 years to see a fully functioning 'sober and clean' addict. By about a year there should be a pretty good semblence of having rejoined completely the 'every day' actions and responsibilities of life.
He is in a Sober Living Environment for a reason. TO LEARN.
Ok, now my Alanon side. This is where I hope you are seriously looking for an Alanon Sponsor and following said Sponsor's guidance and really really working on YOU.
Neither of you got here overnight, and neither of you are going to get well in just a couple of months.
This 'recovery thing' is an ongoing process, and some of the process can be 'trial and error'. Sounds to me like your whole family expects him to be 'well' now, and HE IS NOT WELL. He is growing, changing, finding out the REAL HIM and figuring out how to be productive, loving, compassionate, and truthful in all his 'affairs' (his WHOLE LIFE).
On top of that, he is attempting this with a brain that can and probably does feel like it is full of MUSH.
Please get with your Al Anon and/or a counselor for your own sake.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
At 3 months sober, there were days I did not know if I was coming or going, and I can say the same for most of the sponsees I've had over the last 30+ years. It can take up to 2 years to see a fully functioning 'sober and clean' addict. By about a year there should be a pretty good semblence of having rejoined completely the 'every day' actions and responsibilities of life.
He is in a Sober Living Environment for a reason. TO LEARN.
Ok, now my Alanon side. This is where I hope you are seriously looking for an Alanon Sponsor and following said Sponsor's guidance and really really working on YOU.
Neither of you got here overnight, and neither of you are going to get well in just a couple of months.
This 'recovery thing' is an ongoing process, and some of the process can be 'trial and error'. Sounds to me like your whole family expects him to be 'well' now, and HE IS NOT WELL. He is growing, changing, finding out the REAL HIM and figuring out how to be productive, loving, compassionate, and truthful in all his 'affairs' (his WHOLE LIFE).
On top of that, he is attempting this with a brain that can and probably does feel like it is full of MUSH.
Please get with your Al Anon and/or a counselor for your own sake.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
I wished I had my Nar-anon SESH book with me as I just read something compairable to your situation a couple of nights ago. However, I remember the point of it because is struck home to me. Anyway, the point was a woman who's partner was finally in recovery and instead of things being wonderful as she had hoped, it was not. Finally the RA told her that if she did not get the focus off of him, she would have to leave. That sounds harsh but maybe there is to much focus on the addict and he needs you to focus on you. So try to use that engergy that you are using focusing on him and start using it to focus on you. Also, live in the day and not stress over tomorrow. All the stressing in the world will not change the future, it will just make us sick. I know, I have been good at it. Try and live in the day and not worry about what might happen. I know for me, I have missed a lot of blessings in life because I did not see them as I was spending my energy worring about the unknown. I'm sure your husband loves you, his focus seems to be on his recovery right now according to your post.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((platinum))
sounds like both of you are going thru some major adjustments in your new life - that can be very challenging - even if the changes are for the better!
If you have the opportunity I highly recommend getting the book "How Al-Anon works" and especially reading Chapter 11 "Detachment, Love and Forgiveness" and Chapter 12 "Taking Care of Ourselves"
This book has tons of wonderful healing information - especially about focusing on ourselves regardless of what others in our life may do or NOT do.
one quote from Chapter 12 - pg 89 "Change, even wonderful, positive change, almost always involves some grief for the old way of life we are letting go, even if that way of life kept us miserable."
Change is hard - but it's worth it to get us to a healthier place!
Hang in there & keep taking GOOD care of YOU - YOU deserve it!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
sounds like both of you are going thru some major adjustments in your new life - that can be very challenging - even if the changes are for the better!
If you have the opportunity I highly recommend getting the book "How Al-Anon works" and especially reading Chapter 11 "Detachment, Love and Forgiveness" and Chapter 12 "Taking Care of Ourselves"
This book has tons of wonderful healing information - especially about focusing on ourselves regardless of what others in our life may do or NOT do.
one quote from Chapter 12 - pg 89 "Change, even wonderful, positive change, almost always involves some grief for the old way of life we are letting go, even if that way of life kept us miserable."
Change is hard - but it's worth it to get us to a healthier place!
Hang in there & keep taking GOOD care of YOU - YOU deserve it!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
platinum,
Sounds like we are going through the same things except I'm dealing with my wife in recovery.
She just told me a few days ago that she didn't know why she couldn't basically let me anything and that she was working on herself. Of course that doesn't keep her from jumping anytime her dad calls (he called when he was out of town to tell her one of his TVs wasn't working so she went over there three times to try to fix it and wait on the cable repairman) or her mom wants to visit or there is any "AA emergency". ("So-and-so had a bad day and they needed to talk so I must drop everything including any plans we have made and rush to them!")
Anyway, I've grown tired of the waiting around on her to decide whether she wants this marriage to work or not. I think it is very unfair to expect the spouse to wait around until the recovery addict decides whether they want the marriage or not.
Sounds like we are going through the same things except I'm dealing with my wife in recovery.
She just told me a few days ago that she didn't know why she couldn't basically let me anything and that she was working on herself. Of course that doesn't keep her from jumping anytime her dad calls (he called when he was out of town to tell her one of his TVs wasn't working so she went over there three times to try to fix it and wait on the cable repairman) or her mom wants to visit or there is any "AA emergency". ("So-and-so had a bad day and they needed to talk so I must drop everything including any plans we have made and rush to them!")
Anyway, I've grown tired of the waiting around on her to decide whether she wants this marriage to work or not. I think it is very unfair to expect the spouse to wait around until the recovery addict decides whether they want the marriage or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
td252-
this is something i have fears of too. i have been on htis ride for a year and a half and even longer. sometimes i really beleive this person loves me more than anything, other tiems i just wait for the words that she is moving on.
this is something i have fears of too. i have been on htis ride for a year and a half and even longer. sometimes i really beleive this person loves me more than anything, other tiems i just wait for the words that she is moving on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I know, I haven't really dove into the program yet is why I''m having a hard time
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
There is a chapter in the Big Book called The Family Afterwards. If you have a copy, read it.
Also this helps...I can make a plan for my relationship...but I can not plan the outcome. In other words either lower your expectations of what you want him to give you...or decide to move on.
It takes a long time for the addict to even begin thinking straight and sometimes pushing the family thing too hard in the beginning can cause a relapse. Perhaps he's trying to keep it simple?
Let Go. Focus on you and your recovery. Let time do its thing.
Also this helps...I can make a plan for my relationship...but I can not plan the outcome. In other words either lower your expectations of what you want him to give you...or decide to move on.
It takes a long time for the addict to even begin thinking straight and sometimes pushing the family thing too hard in the beginning can cause a relapse. Perhaps he's trying to keep it simple?
Let Go. Focus on you and your recovery. Let time do its thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: murrieta, ca
Posts: 18
Thank you to all of you, a lot of good feedback. I really liked the analogy about the broken bones and cast, it makes sense.
Laurie, Thank you for sharing both sides, I think that helps me to understand where he's at (bc I don't think he knows just how to explain it) & helps me to have compassion. I almost felt like a weight lifted when I read that. Yes, I think at times we all expect him to be "well", I know he's not. I know it will take time, I guess I thought there would be some sort of balance with our relationship & the kids & his recovery.
I'm seeing my counselor either bi weekly or weekly as needed & at this time 1 al anon meeting a week. I may stop by a naranon next week also. (as I said, we have 3 children & they keep me busy, busy...) But I'm doing what I can, I have the Courage to Change book & read that now...I need to expand my library.
We saw each other last night, taking the kids trick or treating. I wasn't rude, but just kept my distance & if we did talk, I chose to keep it short & turn my focus to something else. I'm working on respecting his space, and working on me. I'm not used to working on me, I'm used to taking care of my family's needs before mine. So yes, there are many changes going on for this family....
I appreciate all of the support!
Laurie, Thank you for sharing both sides, I think that helps me to understand where he's at (bc I don't think he knows just how to explain it) & helps me to have compassion. I almost felt like a weight lifted when I read that. Yes, I think at times we all expect him to be "well", I know he's not. I know it will take time, I guess I thought there would be some sort of balance with our relationship & the kids & his recovery.
I'm seeing my counselor either bi weekly or weekly as needed & at this time 1 al anon meeting a week. I may stop by a naranon next week also. (as I said, we have 3 children & they keep me busy, busy...) But I'm doing what I can, I have the Courage to Change book & read that now...I need to expand my library.
We saw each other last night, taking the kids trick or treating. I wasn't rude, but just kept my distance & if we did talk, I chose to keep it short & turn my focus to something else. I'm working on respecting his space, and working on me. I'm not used to working on me, I'm used to taking care of my family's needs before mine. So yes, there are many changes going on for this family....
I appreciate all of the support!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Another book I suggest you get, or if you have it to reread it is:
"Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I think it has helped me as much or more for dealing with the 'sober' A's in my life, than the 'newbies' just coming into recovery or still relapsing.
I understand how busy you are with 3 children, however, YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO, and taking some 'me time' is important, even if it's just to draw a bubble bath and relax after the children are in bed. That can do for one's serenity as much as 2 or 3 hours sleep I M H O.
Love and hugs,
"Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I think it has helped me as much or more for dealing with the 'sober' A's in my life, than the 'newbies' just coming into recovery or still relapsing.
I understand how busy you are with 3 children, however, YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO, and taking some 'me time' is important, even if it's just to draw a bubble bath and relax after the children are in bed. That can do for one's serenity as much as 2 or 3 hours sleep I M H O.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
Personally, I have a problem with the broken bones analogy. It is fine if the person is withdrawn from everything, but if that person was able to get out of bed, leave the house and spend time with their "new friends", you have to look at the fact that there is a problem.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
but if that person was able to get out of bed, leave the house and spend time with their "new friends", you have to look at the fact that there is a problem.
That is where the analogy definitely APPLIES!
J M H O
And having been then with my own recovery from alcohol and drugs, I CAN SAY WITHOUT A DOUBT, without those 'new' friends I found in AA and NA I WOULD NOT have made it.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: murrieta, ca
Posts: 18
My husband & I had a misunderstanding about today. We switched him seeing the kids today until tomorrow, but I asked him twice (texting) yesterday if he would still be available to come be with them so I could attend a meeting... he didn't respond either time. So when I asked him again this morning, he had made other plans. I didn't get upset. He apologized, said it just slipped past him, & I simply asked that next time he try to be aware when I ask for help with the kids ( while he's still out on disability, I may as well ask him for the help) & he said yes. It just wasn't a big deal like it would have been in the past.
Also, I've been going to Al anon, but today I had the chance to go to a nar anon meeting, and when I left, I felt really good, hopeful. Then the rest of the day was just good! I spent it with my kids (my girls were home sick) but we watched movies & I made chicken soup from scratch & just enjoyed being with all 3 of my children.... I didn't worry.
Im grateful for today, the time I got to spend with my kids, and my time tonight while they're all sleeping!
Thanks again for all of the support. I hope I can give some support to someone else sometime
Also, I've been going to Al anon, but today I had the chance to go to a nar anon meeting, and when I left, I felt really good, hopeful. Then the rest of the day was just good! I spent it with my kids (my girls were home sick) but we watched movies & I made chicken soup from scratch & just enjoyed being with all 3 of my children.... I didn't worry.
Im grateful for today, the time I got to spend with my kids, and my time tonight while they're all sleeping!
Thanks again for all of the support. I hope I can give some support to someone else sometime
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by platinum1221 
Is the big book the blue one that says Alcoholics Anonymous on it?
(Sorry if that's a stupid question)
(Sorry if that's a stupid question)
yes that is the book that AA's refer to as their Big Book!
Early in my Al-Anon recovery, as I read the Big Book - I will admit the Chapters to the Wives and The Family Afterwards seemed to strike me a little "whiney" and poor pitifuly alcoholic - but as I grew in my own recovery and learned about balance and taking care of myself - I developed an appreciation for the Big Book.
I use it in my own recovery now.
Just my thoughts on the Big Book - take what ya like and leave the rest!
glad you were able to resolve the issue with your Ah - good communication is a wonderful thing to develop!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
My wife is also going through this and I can relate to you. Everytime I try to go to a meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) she all of a sudden has a bad day and needs to attend her NA meeting. I'm starting to feel that she is concerned with me going, meeting, and connecting with someone over her issues.
I swear, it's not a good feeling to be on this end of the table. Granted it's like having to start an old relationship all over again, as a husband you don't know what to do, where the relationship is, especially in regards to intimacy (I know sounds selfish). I filed, but haven't served her yet. I want to give it a chance, but at the same time you have to face reality. Can you live in this neglect without becoming resentful? Regardless you get two people on a seperate path to recovery, which in the long run hurts the relationship and family. I'm starting to think that the issue such a program is that the family is never involved, this should be a requirement that couples take this journey together.
That may have been alot, I apologize... I'm new
I swear, it's not a good feeling to be on this end of the table. Granted it's like having to start an old relationship all over again, as a husband you don't know what to do, where the relationship is, especially in regards to intimacy (I know sounds selfish). I filed, but haven't served her yet. I want to give it a chance, but at the same time you have to face reality. Can you live in this neglect without becoming resentful? Regardless you get two people on a seperate path to recovery, which in the long run hurts the relationship and family. I'm starting to think that the issue such a program is that the family is never involved, this should be a requirement that couples take this journey together.
That may have been alot, I apologize... I'm new
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