dbh

This weekend, my in-laws came into town for a visit. They live about 10 hours away by car so we (thankfully) only see them a couple times a year.

I find my mother-in-law difficult to be around. She can be controlling, opinionated, and judgmental. During their visits, I always start off feeling positive and confident that I'll be able to keep my serenity.

When they left yesterday I was starting to retreating into my sulking "inner teenager". I then had a mini-relapse: spent the afternoon eating unhealthy food and trying to numb out in front of the television. Couldn't sleep and was up until after 1am because I felt so anxious.

I still can't figure out exactly why she causes such a reaction in me. I know it's not right to blame her. No one should be able to "make" me feel or do anything.

I start off strong and defend myself in the beginning. When she starts to tell me what I "should" do and offers her unsolicited advice, I'll tell her that this is the way we like it or I'll change the subject. By the end of her visit I just feel defeated. Just like I did when I was a child.

I have read that the people who trigger you say more about you than about the person. I think what I learned this weekend is that I'm going to be working on my own recovery for awhile :-(

Going to spend the day taking care of myself and trying to shake off these awful feelings. Glad it's Halloween, hoping to have fun with my children tonight.

Will triggers ever completely disappear?!? I sure hope so.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

I understand exactly how you are
feeling when it comes to in laws.

Mine have finally become ex inlaws "outlaws".

Even tho im sure my in laws were good
people, i had issues with them. Maybe it
was because since I couldnt have my
own parents when I wanted them or
needed them, then I didnt want anyone
else.

I had to have my own or no one. Sad
to say.

I realize its not nice or right to take
anothers inventory, but found myself
always taking the in laws one.

Especially mother in law.

Here I am in recovery and work my
own program to stay sober and serene
as best as I can and yet here she is, a
diabetic, and she knows darn good and
well, eating the wrong things could cost
her her own health. Yet, i found myself
butting heads with her thinking she should
have a program to work herself and not
mine. Confusing, I know.

Anyway.....

Ive been in law free for the past 3 yrs when
my divorce was completed. Whew..!

When you have 2 diseases butting heads
it becomes a struggle... Alcoholic vs Diabetic.

Well.....I no longer have to deal with that
situation any longer and can continue on
my own journey alcohol free like I have
for the past 21 yrs.

wellnowwhat

this is the way we like it

I say this so often when my MIL or my father visits I wonder after a couple of days whether I should just tattoo it on my forehead and be done with it!

I, too, find my serenity tested. Especially by my MIL. "Do you want to be right? or be peaceful?" helps alot during these visits.

Neither are alcoholic (it's my AH).

I KNOW that they aren't going to change at this late stage in the game (late 70s and late 80s). I KNOW how I react is teaching my kids how to behave around intractable family members. I KNOW all this but after they leave I do go looking for the biggest cupcake with a mountain of icing and veg in front of the t.v. too.

Doing the right thing sometimes is exhausting! Be gentle with yourself.

Kialua

Wow do I know how this feels. I am no spring chicken anymore but after a visit from my MIL I always felt like a kid. She corrected me tells me where to put my purse, where to put the mints in the bowl on the table, on and on and on. I have finally decided she just doesn't like anything and it's not limited to me.

I've known her since I was little and watched her 'rescue' all the stray kids but never me. She had never been there for me through all the alcoholic and abuse issues from my family of origin. I resented her for that, being so 'nice' to others and not caring about me, who became family. Or maybe I just couldn't accept any kindness as a kid, thinking it would be false like my parents.

She was very catty for an adult. Odd. But she is/was a partyier that can't stand that I never would drink or hang out in those situations so that has always divided us with much animosity on her part. Partying is what makes he the happiest and I can't partake in that.

The last presidential election had us almost come to blows and her exiting my house for the last 3 years now. We recently made up and now she decided to steer clear of politics with me. Now she knows I mean business and will not tolerate her belittling me. It was the most freeing and growing three years of my life. Didn't go to family functions, holidays or visiting. She had some time to reflect on her behavior and it really worked.

Not saying you should necessarily do that but this is what (finally) worked for me.

ACOAHappyNow

My family of origin really triggers me and I finally just said, I really can't take this anymore, I have to have some distance between us, some space.

I think you are being very brave even just by trying to cope with the situation instead of running away like I have.

But I hope that over time you are triggered less and less because I know it's not any fun.

tromboneliness

I have pretty much disconnected from my entire extended family. The thing about "triggering" is that it only happens if you let it. A person can't trigger you if you don't answer their calls -- or if you just sit there and let them talk, which I used to do with my Dad during his last couple of years. He'd spout his usual line of nonsense (or sense, in some cases -- but I just wasn't interested in hearing it again), and I'd just nod my head and say, "Ya, mm-hmmm, I know what you mean, it stinks, doesn't it, ya, I hear you," etc. They can't trigger me if I refuse to engage.

The political stuff rings a bell -- my Dad used to go on and on with his cynical, bigoted attitude (we were what the pollsters call "ethnic Democrats" -- children of immigrants who tend to vote for Democrats, but who don't always have the most, shall we say, enlightened views about certain things I won't go into), and I'd just nod my head and let him go on and on about it. At a certain point, I realized that it doesn't matter who's "right" when you're discussing politics. In fact, there basically is no point in discussing politics, because you are not going to change anyone's mind, and because in the end, it does not matter what "decision" we arrive at, in our little household. Let them "win" the argument -- who f890ing cares? I decided to just roll my eyes and not let it get to me.

But eventually, I had to put some distance there, too. When you get invited over for a holiday, be noncommittal. The fact that these people are my relatives DOES NOT GIVE THEM ANY SPECIAL LICENSE. Blood, contrary to popular belief, is not "thicker than water" (whatever that's supposed to mean). "But they're family -- you have to stick together."

Uh, no. I don't. They don't like it? Whoop-tee-doo. Eventually, they'll stop calling... which, contrary to what they think, is just what I want.

T

danielleinto

My m-i-l's been dead 3 years and I still get a churning in my stomach when I think about her. Backward compliments, I'm sure you know the type, she was passive agressive. When I get to the point that I can understand what made her the way she was I think I'll be able to resolve how she made me feel. You can't defend yourself against someone who's smiling and telling you they love you while they attack you. Doesn't help that my husband has her mannerisms.

Guess I'm not being very helpful here - I'm still working on it myself. I understand.

dbh

I appreciated the responses. Once again I find myself grateful to know that I'm not alone, but also sad that many face similar issues.

My in-laws are pretty much the only grandparents that my children see on a semi-regular basis. Right now, the relationship they have with them is good and I want to be able to continue to have them in our life.

Neither are alcoholics and I often wonder where my mother-in-laws controlling tendencies come from. I actually got along really well with her parents before they passed away.

Things have improved some since I started my own recovery. Seems like it takes longer for me to get triggered and I also bounce back more quickly. In the past, one visit from her could throw me into DAYS of unhealthy behavior.

I like the idea that I'm teaching my children how to deal with difficult people. Sometimes my children seem so much healthier than me. I remember a time when my daughter was four and my mother-in-law was being critical of what my daughter was/wasn't eating. My daughter smiled at my mother-in-law sweetly and said "Grandma, are you suppose to talk with your mouth full?" Everyone laughed and the topic was changed. Score one for my daughter!

I so want to be able to teach my children to continue to stand up for themselves and not let the behavior of others affect them negatively.

I think there might be a small part of me that is still looking for approval.

Guess I should be grateful that my mother-in-law presents regular opportunities for me to put my recovery tools to good use!

Thank you for letting me share.

db

GingerM

A simple tool that helps with following Tromboneliness' advice: hum. Yup, hum. When you MIL starts going off about whatever it is, look off into the distance and hum something quietly to yourself while nodding to MIL and making vague non-committal noises (mmm, yeah, that happens, etc). Or recite poetry in your head. Or do the multiplication tables in your head. Anything that takes your mental focus and keeps it inside your head instead of on her (I use humming because I know a lot of complex classical music pieces, so I hum a lot of Beethoven and Vivaldi and Bizet).

It's amazing how well it works. The other person feels listened to (which is usually all they want), you don't get sucked into an argument (and if she says "why aren't you responding?" you can tell her you're in a good mood and don't feel like having difficult discussions at that moment - maybe later), and you can feel good about modeling good behaviors for your kids (even though your kids won't know you're humming, they will see you acting respectful, listening, and not arguing). Win win win.