2bAlive

My last day one was a little over a month ago. I had made the decision to get sober many times. It would last for a few days and then my will power would fade and I would drink again. There were days when I was a good girl: limiting myself to two beers on weeknights and a 6 pack each day on the weekend. Enevitably, however, there would be a night that six beers were not enough and one 6 pack would lead to two or three which would lead to some embarrassing event. And embarrassing event would lead to a promise to get sober beginning the vicious cycle all over again. How exhausting!

So last month, after a particulary embarrassing and tactless evening that left me with one less friend, I not only promised I would stop drinking, I took it a step further and attended my first AA meeting. The meetings helped. I found a lot of friendly and sincere people who had or were going through the same tourture that I was. The meetings felt safe and hope was abundant. However, after one week of being sober I got the ridiculous notion that I could handle my drinking. I don't want to not be able to have a drink. The thought of not being able to drink EVER is unnerving. I mean: what am I supposed to do with myself, lol!

So there went the sobriety, right out the darned window. The good feeling of accomplishment, the lack of hangovers, and self hatered also left the building, quite swiftly, too. Several nights of binging have taken place over the last month resulting in two days calling late to work. But last night took the cake, icing and all.

I've driven drunk many times without incident. I've also had a hand full of blackouts where I lost chunks of time and the memories of what ever had happened evaporated. Yesterday I began the day wanting to be productive and I was, so around 2pm I decided to reward myself with a few beers. I bought 2 24 oz cans of Fosters and promised that would be all I would have that day. Which is crazy because I know darn well what happens! Sure enough, around 5 I wanted some white wine to accompany my dinner. When I came back from the store I had a bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer. Around 11 I went out to grab another 6 pack because I obviously wasn't obiltered enough. I'm amazed at the lack of rational thought and the stupid inclinations one gets when drunk. A little after 1 am I decide how great it would be to go to a bar. Barely able to walk straight, I think I'm in perfect form to go dancing of all things. I don't even consider the fact that I might not be in the best shape to drive.

On the way back home, I made a right hand turn onto my street and drove into the back of a very large flatbed trailer. I hit the trailer in such a way that my car was stuck and wouldn't come loose. The cops were called; one of them wanted to take me to jail. Thankfully, this all took place right in front of my landlady's house (whose husband is 20+ years sober). After talking to my landlady and her husband, the ranking officer gave me a gift: he didn't take me to jail. He didn't even give me a ticket- he did give me some advice and that this would be my only chance, my only freebie. This all happened about 15 hrs ago and the gravity of the situation has not really sunk in yet. I could have lost everything! Everything!

The scariest part of all of this is that I could have killed someone and not have known it. I remember hitting the trailer, but I cannot remember what happened prior. I remember deciding to go out, but I don't remember getting dressed, getting in the car, and driving over the causeway toward the bars. I didn't go to the bar, I think by the time I got there it was closed, but I can't remember driving and that scares the hell out of me.

I can't believe I didn't go to jail this morning. Someone is watching out for me. I owe it to myself to get sober. I owe it to the people I care about to get sober. This isn't a game with endless second chances. I now see that if I want to stay alive, if I want my freedom, then getting sober isn't really a choice anymore.

So here I am, day one again. I am so thankful for being able to have a chance to be at day one again. This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Bikeguy

I'm glad you or no one else was hurt in your incident. Not many people get a 2nd chance, take advantage of your opportunity.

Anna

You were very, very lucky to be given that gift, and I hope you take full advantage of it.

I hope you choose to show your landlady and her husband that you appreciate what they did for you, and maybe you will be able to help out someone else some day.

Gerbosko

that "notion" is caused by what your body has been accustom to and that is poison. When you stop doing something that your body is use to, it freaks out and that's called withdrawal. Depending on your abuse of the alcohol, you could go cold turkey, however I would highly suggest AA, Rehab, or seeing your doctor because you need to do everything in your power to not go back to alcohol.

You're extremely lucky that nothing much came from driving home drunk and crashing. The officer had every right to take you to jail. It seems like you've counted your blessings with this and you're going to change yourself for the better, which is awesome!

Have you considered talking to your landlady's husband? Since he's 20+ years sober, I'm sure he'd offer some great advice too.

2bAlive

I am attending a meeting tonight.
I am extremely lucky. In fact, that has been on a loop in my head all day.
Yes, my landlord gave me some advice this afternoon as he helped me put the spare tire on my car. I am blessed to have such kind people in my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am.
Thank you for your reply to my post.

least

You are truly blessed that no one was hurt in your accident and that you didn't go to jail for it. I do hope you can get and stay sober this time, if you drink again you might not be so lucky.

I'm glad you're back!

quitforme79

That is quite a story 2balive. Sometimes, bad things need to happen to wake us up. I should've stopped when I had a "bad time" 5 years ago---I thought since so much time had gone by I could handle it. But it seems we start right where we left off. I will tell you that during my abstinence, the cravings do dissipate and sobriety becomes a wonderful norm. I am so happy to hear that you are going to a meeting and coming here for support. :ghug3

2bAlive

The disease is funny that way- I too feel awesome when I am sober. I feel good about myself and my life. I don't look like crap in the morning, ie red faced, bloodshot eyes, yucky mouth and no hangovers. Then the alcoholic in me starts playing tricks with my mind, oh I can have a drink, I'll just stop at two beers, I'll be fine, I can handle this. Too bad the joke's on me when I give into that dirty trickster. And as you said, we start right back where we left off and that is one of the worst feelings- that defeated, cheated feeling.

quitforme79

Ugh, that yucky mouth feeling is the WORST! People at work would always ask me if I was tired but I don't think anyone suspected anything because I'd been thru a bad break up and they knew my life was upside down. Some mornings I drove to work worried that enough time hadn't passed since my last drink and had anxiety the whole time that another car would hit me or I'd hit them and then the secret would be out. I defeated myself all those times I chose to drink. I know this experience won't be a walk in the park but when we wake up in the morning we will never say, "Gee, I should've gotten loaded last night!" Even if I only get 3 hours of sleep tonight, I will look and perform better at work than I did w even a mild hangover.

instant

We never know when our luck will run out, I so glad you have been given this opportunity to get off the rollercoaster.

Dee74

I'm really glad noone was hurt - and that you have great friends and a pretty terrific chance to do things right now

I really hope you've been finally convinced that you can't 'handle' yr drinking

Run with it 2balive
D

ArgentOfSilvae

I'll echo everyones thoughts here, very glad no-one was hurt (including you), you were super lucky to be given a break by the cops, i hope you treat it like the best gift you were ever given.

I know what you mean about handling the drink, ive been through it a few times and thought I can do this now! well I cant, half my brain just tries to convince me i can, the other half has to realise its wrong

congrats on day 1, and welcome to SR

AoS

iliveforyou

Wow! I agree with everyone as to you are so incredibly lucky to be given a second chance! I wasn't so lucky as I got my first DUI after I crashed into a mailbox (thankfully it was just a damn mailbox) but that DUI messed my life up completely but it did get me sober. Sadly, I have other addiction issues with opiates but that's a whole other story. Take this chance and RUN with it, you can do this - we are all here for you Oh and welcome to SR!!

-Jess

2bAlive

Ha! I've thought the same thing...

"Even if I only get 3 hours of sleep tonight, I will look and perform better at work than I did w even a mild hangover."

Going to work with a hangover is terrible. I'm always so paranoid that people will know sense it and think that I'm a drunken lush. When I'm sober and have insomnia it actually makes me feel good to know that I'm feeling bad from lack of sleep instead of too much drink.