Needs to change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 37
Needs to change
Well I guess no one posts on here unless they feel they have a problem.
I started drinking late by most males. At around 20. For a long time I didnt want to touch the stuff as growing up my father was a scary drunk, he ended up killing two people and himself during one of his binge sessions, he was enough to put anyone off alcohol.
I am 28 now and drinking has been and continues to be very destructive for me.
I started thinking I had a problem a couple of years back. Blacking out is the norm for me and I actually thought this was normal, who wants to drink unless you are getting blind drunk right? It was only after a friend mentioned to me that he was shocked when he once drank so much that he forgot his night - I realised then that for most normal people blacking out isnt a common weekly occurance. I now never mention blacking out and will often bluff or make up memories for my nights drinking so I appear normal to others.
Alcohol has impacted on my work, I cringe at the amount of times I came to work drunk and smelling of alcohol. In my former role my wallet was once found in the first aid room. After a heavy drinking session I went into the office at 2am, lay down in the first aid room then went home- I have no recollection of this at all. I have no idea how I got away with what I was doing, I suppose I was good in my job and I am well liked, perhaps if I was more of an arse I would of got a swift kick up the backside I needed. After further embarassing incidents, I quit (funnily enough I get ashamed and embarassed very easily, laughable considering the way I behave).
In my next job I thought 'great, new start'. In the first week I got blind drunk at a staff party, I had to apologise to managers the next Monday. I had been there for 5 days, my apology was the first time some of the managers had met me. I learnt my lesson, I no longer attend work parties. Been there for two years now.
What hit me hard was getting arrested for DUI last year. Whilst I had stupidly drove drunk before, getting caught and the humiliating process really was a wake up call, but yet I still get into stupid situations, just last week I woke up in a park in my suit with a police office yelling at me to move on.
The biggest impact alcohol had on my life was the effect on my relationships. Especially my former girlfriend, I treated her shockingly. I would show up drunk at her house at 3 in the morning, show up to her parents incoherent. Call her to pick me up from strange places (I often forget where I lived so I go to sleep on the front porches of houses which looked like mine). Once we had organised a romantic date, after an hour I sent her home so I could get blind drunk. Pathetic. The worse is the cheating, when I am drinking I would kiss girls, make moves on them, Im just an ugly ugly person. I cry at the way I treated her, she deserved the sober me not the drunk me.
My drinking has been getting progressively worse, I hate alcohol. For the last year or so I have considered taking my own life but then I realised if I do that, alcohol wins. I am determined to make a change, I am researching and looking into all my options but it's daunting.
I started drinking late by most males. At around 20. For a long time I didnt want to touch the stuff as growing up my father was a scary drunk, he ended up killing two people and himself during one of his binge sessions, he was enough to put anyone off alcohol.
I am 28 now and drinking has been and continues to be very destructive for me.
I started thinking I had a problem a couple of years back. Blacking out is the norm for me and I actually thought this was normal, who wants to drink unless you are getting blind drunk right? It was only after a friend mentioned to me that he was shocked when he once drank so much that he forgot his night - I realised then that for most normal people blacking out isnt a common weekly occurance. I now never mention blacking out and will often bluff or make up memories for my nights drinking so I appear normal to others.
Alcohol has impacted on my work, I cringe at the amount of times I came to work drunk and smelling of alcohol. In my former role my wallet was once found in the first aid room. After a heavy drinking session I went into the office at 2am, lay down in the first aid room then went home- I have no recollection of this at all. I have no idea how I got away with what I was doing, I suppose I was good in my job and I am well liked, perhaps if I was more of an arse I would of got a swift kick up the backside I needed. After further embarassing incidents, I quit (funnily enough I get ashamed and embarassed very easily, laughable considering the way I behave).
In my next job I thought 'great, new start'. In the first week I got blind drunk at a staff party, I had to apologise to managers the next Monday. I had been there for 5 days, my apology was the first time some of the managers had met me. I learnt my lesson, I no longer attend work parties. Been there for two years now.
What hit me hard was getting arrested for DUI last year. Whilst I had stupidly drove drunk before, getting caught and the humiliating process really was a wake up call, but yet I still get into stupid situations, just last week I woke up in a park in my suit with a police office yelling at me to move on.
The biggest impact alcohol had on my life was the effect on my relationships. Especially my former girlfriend, I treated her shockingly. I would show up drunk at her house at 3 in the morning, show up to her parents incoherent. Call her to pick me up from strange places (I often forget where I lived so I go to sleep on the front porches of houses which looked like mine). Once we had organised a romantic date, after an hour I sent her home so I could get blind drunk. Pathetic. The worse is the cheating, when I am drinking I would kiss girls, make moves on them, Im just an ugly ugly person. I cry at the way I treated her, she deserved the sober me not the drunk me.
My drinking has been getting progressively worse, I hate alcohol. For the last year or so I have considered taking my own life but then I realised if I do that, alcohol wins. I am determined to make a change, I am researching and looking into all my options but it's daunting.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 1,149
Hi Lizard and welcome.
I hate alcohol too.
Couldnt live with it nor could I imagine living without it.
It's taken a lot of work but I'm 90 days free of the chains and it's just getting better and better.
You'll find lots of support here.
I hate alcohol too.
Couldnt live with it nor could I imagine living without it.
It's taken a lot of work but I'm 90 days free of the chains and it's just getting better and better.
You'll find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Welcome to the forum Lizard. I found this site just a few days ago and everyone seems really supportive. The first step is having insight into your issues and it sounds like you do. Now, you just need to commit to stopping. Have you set a date or have you stopped already? Today is going to be my first day sober in a very long time. I tried not drinking yesterday and failed because I didn't try hard enough...I wanted my last hurrah for the weekend- yeh ok all the excuses I use all the time. This time, I know I am going to succeed because I don't want to live like this anymore. Let us know how you are doing.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Originally Posted by Lizard99 
I am determined to make a change, I am researching and looking into all my options but it's daunting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Lizard
this place is full of people who've been exactly where you are now - and made it into a great new life - without alcohol
I know it's daunting to consider - but you're not alone here - you're among friends
Welcome!
D
this place is full of people who've been exactly where you are now - and made it into a great new life - without alcohol
I know it's daunting to consider - but you're not alone here - you're among friends
Welcome!
D
Foo Fighter.
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: So.FL.
Posts: 119
Once you stop drinking everything in your life will get better, theres no downside to sobriety , and every day your not drinking it gets easier not to drink. Thats been my experience for almost 9 months, I wouldnt have believed it a year ago. All you have to do is get started, it may be difficult at first but as time passes your only regret will be not having done it sooner.
to SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Lizard,
You sure had a rough start to life. I am sorry. It also appears that you have had a lot of breaks. When you get sober you will start to feel a lot better about yourself. Please give yourself a chance - you are not a bad person. It hearts my heart to read what you think of yourself. You are not a bad person....you are sick. I don't even want to start listing all the hurt I have caused others while drunk. Stop now. It is not going to get better, it will only get worse. Consider yourself fortunate that nothing worse has happened. We are here to help you....there is a lot of love, support and encouragement in SR - a lot of us have been where you are, and have managed to walk away from the wreckage. And, believe it or not, I think we are better for it. Take care and keep going. Don't wallow in the past - you can't change it. Use it as a springboard for positive change. Bless you.
You sure had a rough start to life. I am sorry. It also appears that you have had a lot of breaks. When you get sober you will start to feel a lot better about yourself. Please give yourself a chance - you are not a bad person. It hearts my heart to read what you think of yourself. You are not a bad person....you are sick. I don't even want to start listing all the hurt I have caused others while drunk. Stop now. It is not going to get better, it will only get worse. Consider yourself fortunate that nothing worse has happened. We are here to help you....there is a lot of love, support and encouragement in SR - a lot of us have been where you are, and have managed to walk away from the wreckage. And, believe it or not, I think we are better for it. Take care and keep going. Don't wallow in the past - you can't change it. Use it as a springboard for positive change. Bless you.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
You wrote:
"For the last year or so I have considered taking my own life but then I realised if I do that, alcohol wins."
You are already taking your own life by drinking.
I realized that I was committing slow suicide, and made a firm commitment to live, but it took me another year to give up and get help, all the help I needed. I told my wife that I had to quit not just drinking but smoking. I talked to my doc and told him the extent of my drinking. I found a free to me VA in hospital detox and made arrangements for my 7 day medical detox and then a follow on 28 day live in rehab. I joined AA and found a great little home group, and most of all I joined here at SR. I was surprised at how much of a non-issue it was, and the denial my kids and friends were in saying "You don't have a problem, you just need to moderate."
Thanks to all that help and a lot of work and change, which is really the hardest part, getting off my dead axe to take on my own problems head on with moral support from so many, I did make it.
I have a year now. You start now or as soon as you can make whatever arrangements you need and whatever changes you need to make, as well as arranging for outside support etc. and if you start today then it will only be another 364 days until you can say the same feeling better than in years too.
Welcome to SR. You came to the right place. We ain't saints, and don't preach here, see we all have been in your shoes thinking we were unique too. I hope you decide to take what we have to give away too, so you can give it away too. It is like a smile, you can give it away and lose nothing, but you can't make a determined other smile back.
"For the last year or so I have considered taking my own life but then I realised if I do that, alcohol wins."
You are already taking your own life by drinking.
I realized that I was committing slow suicide, and made a firm commitment to live, but it took me another year to give up and get help, all the help I needed. I told my wife that I had to quit not just drinking but smoking. I talked to my doc and told him the extent of my drinking. I found a free to me VA in hospital detox and made arrangements for my 7 day medical detox and then a follow on 28 day live in rehab. I joined AA and found a great little home group, and most of all I joined here at SR. I was surprised at how much of a non-issue it was, and the denial my kids and friends were in saying "You don't have a problem, you just need to moderate."
Thanks to all that help and a lot of work and change, which is really the hardest part, getting off my dead axe to take on my own problems head on with moral support from so many, I did make it.
I have a year now. You start now or as soon as you can make whatever arrangements you need and whatever changes you need to make, as well as arranging for outside support etc. and if you start today then it will only be another 364 days until you can say the same feeling better than in years too.
Welcome to SR. You came to the right place. We ain't saints, and don't preach here, see we all have been in your shoes thinking we were unique too. I hope you decide to take what we have to give away too, so you can give it away too. It is like a smile, you can give it away and lose nothing, but you can't make a determined other smile back.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Lizard -
I'm glad you're ready to make a change and that you're reaching out for support. You don't have to live like this anymore.
I remember how impossible it seemed to give up alcohol, but knowing that others have done it I figured just maybe I could do it too. I took it one day, one hour, one minute at a time..... I made sobriety my #1 goal.
Things will get so much better for you and you'll feel proud of yourself again. You can do it!
I'm glad you're ready to make a change and that you're reaching out for support. You don't have to live like this anymore.
I remember how impossible it seemed to give up alcohol, but knowing that others have done it I figured just maybe I could do it too. I took it one day, one hour, one minute at a time..... I made sobriety my #1 goal.
Things will get so much better for you and you'll feel proud of yourself again. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 37
Thankyou so much for your kind words and support. Its day 4 for me now, which might not sound like a lot but its fantastic for me.
Today I cancelled two upcoming social events on the weekend which will have alcohol there. Instead Im going to stay home, order pizza, jump on the couch and watch some of my favourite all time DVDs - Im looking forward to it. It might be cheating by avoiding places with alcohol but I think its for the best at this stage. Funnily enough I was nervous about cancelling with my friends but I just told them flat out that I have a problem with alcohol and I want to avoid being around it. They were both very supportive and it felt good to be able to open up to people.
Maybe down the track I can be in those social situations but I know my weakness and I think avoiding the temptation is for the best for now.
Thankyou all.
Today I cancelled two upcoming social events on the weekend which will have alcohol there. Instead Im going to stay home, order pizza, jump on the couch and watch some of my favourite all time DVDs - Im looking forward to it. It might be cheating by avoiding places with alcohol but I think its for the best at this stage. Funnily enough I was nervous about cancelling with my friends but I just told them flat out that I have a problem with alcohol and I want to avoid being around it. They were both very supportive and it felt good to be able to open up to people.
Maybe down the track I can be in those social situations but I know my weakness and I think avoiding the temptation is for the best for now.
Thankyou all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Lizard99
Today I cancelled two upcoming social events on the weekend which will have alcohol there. Instead Im going to stay home, order pizza, jump on the couch and watch some of my favourite all time DVDs - Im looking forward to it. It might be cheating by avoiding places with alcohol but I think its for the best at this stage.
And don't think about it as cheating! It seems to me that you've realised you're vulnerable at the moment, so have removed yourself from the source of temptation. It sounds very sensible to me!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 119
Lizard, Congratulations on Day four that is amazing.
As well Lizard, I do not see anything wrong with avoiding places with Alcohol. You are certainly NOT cheating. I think it is a very smart and well thought out plan you have prepared for yourself.
As well Lizard, I do not see anything wrong with avoiding places with Alcohol. You are certainly NOT cheating. I think it is a very smart and well thought out plan you have prepared for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 37
well yesterday was Melbourne Cup, the horse race that basically all of Australia stops for. At my work they were handing out beers and wines. A couple of colleagues came up to me with beers for me in their hand. I kept telling myself 'Im not drinking today' I grabbed a Coke instead.
After work I went to pick up a friend and give her a lift home, came into her office and they were having a Melbourne Cup drinks. She saw me came up to me and shoved a glass of wine in my hand. 'Im not drinking today'. I put it down and told her I will meet her in the car as I have to make a phone call outside.
I was so proud. I learnt a lot as well. When I have quit before I made the mistake of thinking of it as a long term battle not a daily battle. Ive always thought: 'Ive quit forever, so whats the harm of having one drink today? I have the rest of my life to not drink' - that doesnt work for me. I have to think 'today I am not drinking' and hopefully each day will turn into many. I also learnt that I dont need to drink to enjoy myself, I still had a great day without touching a drop.
Its not all rainbows though, it was tough having that wine shoved into my hands. Really really tough. But if I started I wouldnt stop. I just tell myself that I cant drink.
I also have secret. During the day I often went on to this site on my phone to read posts and read the support. Its nice thinking Im not alone with this battle.
After work I went to pick up a friend and give her a lift home, came into her office and they were having a Melbourne Cup drinks. She saw me came up to me and shoved a glass of wine in my hand. 'Im not drinking today'. I put it down and told her I will meet her in the car as I have to make a phone call outside.
I was so proud. I learnt a lot as well. When I have quit before I made the mistake of thinking of it as a long term battle not a daily battle. Ive always thought: 'Ive quit forever, so whats the harm of having one drink today? I have the rest of my life to not drink' - that doesnt work for me. I have to think 'today I am not drinking' and hopefully each day will turn into many. I also learnt that I dont need to drink to enjoy myself, I still had a great day without touching a drop.
Its not all rainbows though, it was tough having that wine shoved into my hands. Really really tough. But if I started I wouldnt stop. I just tell myself that I cant drink.
I also have secret. During the day I often went on to this site on my phone to read posts and read the support. Its nice thinking Im not alone with this battle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: The South USA
Posts: 56
Lizard. That is just how it is done...consecutive decisions to not take the drink in front of you, literally or figuratively. Well done. Keep on and it gets easier. Make no mistake, it is always the first drink even days/weeks/monthsyears into it. Big win for you on long odds.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
Day five for me-I'm with you buddy! And I have been to the Melbourne Cup and know what a huge day for drinking it is, and it is SO GOOD that you didn't, what a GIGANTIC step for you, you have every right to be incredibly proud of yourself. Like spiderkitty said, just keep making that decision, and I think it will get easier and easier as you/we realize that it's not the end of the world to not drink! The event still happens, you can still have fun, and the way I'm looking at it right now, it's even MORE fun not to drink at events because you actually get to fully experience(and remember)them, rather than it being all about the booze. Usually when I'm drinking at a party that's all I'm really thinking about at the back of my mind:the drink in my hand, and the one after that.
Also I think you're completely right to hibernate for awhile rather than put yourself in situations where you might(rightfully)weaken. That's what I'm doing! Just think of it for what it is: that you're sick and are getting better, and need to lay low and pamper yourself for awhile.
And you ARE getting better! As long as you don't drink! Here's to us and another day!
Also I think you're completely right to hibernate for awhile rather than put yourself in situations where you might(rightfully)weaken. That's what I'm doing! Just think of it for what it is: that you're sick and are getting better, and need to lay low and pamper yourself for awhile.
And you ARE getting better! As long as you don't drink! Here's to us and another day!
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