verylost

My AH relapsed. He has a gambling problem too and he says the money was only spent on gambling...but I have no way of knowing and I certainly can't trust him. He got back from rehab in August and he did relapse once then...but otherwise things were getting better. When I found out, he said he should leave b/c he knew he was just going to continue to hurt me by screwing up, so he's working on finding a place to live but he has no money since he blew everything we have and he doesn't start work until next week...so god only knows where he'll live. I'm so upset...I'm devastated and every ounce of me wants to tell him it's ok come back we can fix this...but I can't do that b/c I can't fix him. It's just what everything I read says, nothing is ever enough. They can never love anyone enough or care about anything enough. He seems to think he can go away for awhile and work on himself, focus on himself and then come back. I love that idea with all my heart, but I know in the end it will only hurt me and the children. I can't believe this is my life. I simply need to pretend I'm someone else in this situation and follow the advice I'd give that person. I'm getting a lawyer, I'm going to find help for my son to deal with this, I'm going to keep going to work and taking care of my kids and pray that one day maybe I'll be happy again. I'm just thanking god right now that my youngest is only a few months old, so at least she'll never know what's going on.

outtolunch

Your first post to this forum said he had both a cocaine and gambling addiction. Addiction is addiction and he's not done, yet.

Speculation on my part, his intent to move out sounds more like someone who prefers to be left alone to engage in addiction than it does someone who is 150% committed to his own recovery.

Have you considered asking him to depart now? Let him couch surf or sleep in the car or at a shelter? This is not punishment. Instead it's protecting you and the kids from the chaos of living with someone in active addiction.

Getting a lawyer to help protect your children is a terrific idea. Court-ordered child support via wage garnishment is likely appropriate given addiction will demand every cent from him.

Ann

I am sorry and know that awful sinking feeling when the "again" hits. It sounds like you are on a good path from what you wrote above. Too bad being on a good path still hurts so much.

Keeping you and your kids in my prayers. It will get better, I promise, but first the painful part needs to be dealt with.

Hugs

dollydo

I would do anything and everything to protect my child from being exposed to addiction.

Taking him back, to me, would be a big mistake. He is in the throws of active addiction,
a disease that there is no cure for. Only a very small % of addicts recover for life.

Move forward and let the chips fall where they may.

verylost

Thank you all for your responses. I think it's true...he is doing this to run away and go and be an addict on his own. I recommended he try a sober living place...but he had several reasons why that wouldn't work...so I think that pretty much says it all. It's killing me...but I'm sticking to it...I can't fix him and he's going to suck us all down with him. I just need to focus on what's best for my children...I just don't understand...I'll never understand. This is going to break my son's heart...it's fine that he can't get clean for me...but why can't he do it for his son??? I know...he can't...being an addict is simply all encompassing and he can only think about himself.

becky1982

I'm praying for you and sending you strength. You sound like a wonderful mother, and if he does clean himself up I know he will be so grateful that you protected the children and did what you have to do. I know your heart must be breaking, but I believe things will be brighter in the future, and you and your children will find the love and security you deserve.

outtolunch

Addiction demands the addict to protect it at all costs. Please let go of personalizing this. His addiction has nothing to do with you, your son or his own well being, for that matter. That kind of thinking only serves to compel us to believe that we have control over this.

You sound like a good mom and are making your children your top priority.

lightseeker

I really am sorry that you are having to experience this. The wrenching pain of disengaging and taking care of yourself can be overwhelming. Sometimes I felt like a zombie just going through the steps and motions.

In many ways, our brains tell us that there are options and ways to make things work - the same way that our loved one's brains tell them that they can find a way to keep using. It's a nasty cycle. I found that I couldn't take those steps for me without a lot of support. It sounds like you are in the process of getting the help that you need and I know that things will get better for you.

One of the thoughts that helped me when I was early on in my detachment phase was to reassure myself that if things really did change (my husband working a program for a year or more, counseling, etc.) then I could revisit resuming a relationship. Luckily, I wrote down my bottom line list and it sure doesn't seem like things are heading in that direction. It helps to see it in black and white though - especially when my heartstrings get tugged.

Keeps us posted on how you are doing - sending you thoughts and prayers...

damiank

Even though it will be hard for your son now, i think it will be harder on him if he's on a merry go round of emotions with your husbands ups and downs. I think you are definitely doing what's best right now.