Pigtails

Today is my Day 16 and I am still feeling great. I had somewhat of a setback (but didn't drink!) last evening. After a productive and energetic day at work, a run with my dogs and a workout at the gym, I went over to my boyfriend's house and he was in a very bad, depressed mood. I feel so bad for him but am not sure what I can do to help other than be encouraging. I know that not drinking/smoking pot (he smoked a *lot* of pot) is new to him and that he is feeling very emotional and sometimes almost unable to cope with all the emotions. Plus, he is facing DUI charges and I can only imagine what that must feel like.

We went to the halloween store to find costumes for tonight's party, and he said something about not wanting to go to a halloween party without drinking, that he wouldn't have any fun. This has been my fear about myself too, so I said, we don't have to go. We could just carve pumpkins and watch scary movies at home. But a big part of me wants to get dressed up and go celebrate, because all we have been doing together in the last couple of weeks is staying at home and watching TV/movies (and running, which is nice). As we were looking at all the costumes and I was thinking about the party, I had my first real urges to drink, but they were like, urges to just fit in and party with everyone else and be "normal." It was the first time I had felt them so strongly. I told my boyfriend I was worried about the party because I would want to drink. He told me to just drink if I wanted to, and he would be my DD.

I stopped right there in the store and said to him, "You know what? My brain is so messed up. Just today I was thinking of all the benefits of not drinking. I feel happier, healthier, more productive and energetic, and I feel and look better physically too. So why in the world would I want to throw it all away by going out and getting drunk?" I know that the answer is I think I can just do it now and then and still reap the benefits of not usually drinking. But I just don't think that is the case... for me, my whole attitude and lifestyle change when I drink. I am beginning to recognize this and I'm grateful for the knowledge.

We ended up not getting costumes. It was a rather depressing trip to the store. I don't even know if we'll go tonight... it depends on whether friends I invited want to go.

Today I am back to feeling great. It seems I've been feeling "up" at work a lot more, and that's good. I am trying hard to be myself and only worry about myself and not other people. It is making a big difference in my attitude. I'm also realizing that I need to stay strong no matter what anyone else says/wants. I know that I can drink if I WANT to, but, I am staying true to the logical side of me that does not want to drink. I really am feeling like a new person/ the old me by not drinking, so, I don't want to mess that up.

Cardio

You know, this is going to be my ongoing struggle as well. Missing the illusion of "normal drinking" as an activity. But this is the thing. You can still go to the party and have fun even if you aren't drinking. Engage in the silliness and enjoy your friends. Talk about stuff you want to talk about. Dance your butt off. Tell jokes--really dorky ones. And smile alot. And you WILL have a good time. I think you need to get a sober evening out under your belt so that you can see that it can still be fun even if you aren't plastered. And it will be fun! Really!

Good luck and go out. You can do it!

Pigtails

This is what one side of me feels. I want to be able to socialize and have fun without drinking. The other side of me, however, feels that the whole point of the party is drinking, that everyone there will be drinking and that I should change and not go to events full of people who like to drink their heads off. So the two sides of me battle constantly.

One thing I've realized is that, since most of my friends drink as a major part of their socialization, and I don't want to drink but still want to socialize, I need to find new friends whose socialization doesn't revolve around drinking. On the other hand, ia m already so busy with work, running, and spending time with my boyfriend and my one good friend who doesn't drink much... and I want to be even busier with my writing goals, and on getting my life in order, such as cleaning my aprtment and office and keeping them clean, making a business plan for the business I want to start, etc... that maybe it's good to just take a breather and not do a bunch of socializing with friends, whether they drink or not.

Eventually I would like to have a productive, responsible lifestyle and occasionally get together with people who don't need to drink to have a good time. I'm not there yet, but I'm making strides.

As for this party... when I went to check what time it starts, it turns out it's actually tomorrow night! :-O Oops. At least that gives me time to get a costume together. I DO want to be able to have fun on Halloween without drinking. And since this is the only thing I had planned, I will do it. I asked my boyfriend to help me stay strong and he said he would. Plus, I am running a 5K on Sunday morning and that cements my resolve to not drink Saturday night. So this is a better plan all around, now that I know it's on Saturday, not Friday.

Thanks for the advice!

doggonecarl

Pigtails, you've said in an earlier post that your bf "...supports me no matter what I want to do." Yet he tells you that you can drink if you want. I think he means well, but does he really understand what you are trying to do?

Maybe you should have a chat with him and define what "support" from him means to you.

It's your recovery. He can either be a help or he can be a hinderance. Offering to drive you home drunk...is that help?

Good luck at the party, I hope you get through it okay.

Pigtails

Thanks Carl. I think he supports me in drinking OR not drinking and is trying to understand why I don't want to drink, but I'm not sure he really does/can. I think he would like me to be able to drink normally. Or even abnormally... he likes to drink and wants us to be able to have fun and drink together. But he also wants to support me in what I want to do. I can't rely on him or anyone to keep me sober, especially when it seems to me like I'm the only person (plus you guys here!) who wants me to be sober! So I have to stay strong because he supports me but wills upprt me just as easily if I do want to drink. If that makes sense.

Dominica2

Pigtails,

I am having the same thoughts about the parties this weekend, but I have just decided I am not going to go because I really dont know if I will be able to resist the urges. I know once I see everyone doing it, I will be jealouse and probably start getting mad, but it is only day 3 and this will definitely be a difficult holiday. So, I am staying in, watching scary movies and getting ready to move into my new house. I cant run anymore today, 3 miles was enough this afternoon. Good luck in your decision. Stay strong!!!!

Cardio

You shouldn't go if it's all about drinking. That might be too hard. But, if you do go, you'll have a built in excuse to pass on the drinks.

I'm also doing a 5K on Sunday. 9am sharp.

Pigtails

Awesome. Good luck! Races are a great excuse not to drink and I keep signing up for them because of that, ha ha (well, in part because of that). Ultimately I want my biggest excuse to be for myself, period, but sometimes I get distracted from that main goal and seem to need other reasons. :-/

I had such a stressful day today. It ended on a good note with a project finished. It's crazy how I want to drink when I'm stressed and I want to drink to celebrate... I guess any old reason will do. But today I am particularly triggery.

Pigtails

Thank you. In retrospect those are probably the plans I should have made. I just get down about staying in all the time.

Dominica2

I know, I really do. But honestly I have had to quarentine myself to my house that way I wont want to drink. I know the feeling will pass, i just have to grin and bear it. If I feel the really strong urge to drink and I dont want to run, I will watch the rain in my heart documentary on youtube and that usually does the trick. I just think about how hard I worked to just get through the withdrawals and I NEVER want to do that again. Every day becomes better so far, and I can honestly say I am proud to be at 5 days. Hopefully I will make it much longer than that, though. I will be thinking about you. Stay focused. Stay strong. :ghug3