I am married to a heroin addict.
I am married to a heroin addict.
There. I "said" it.
We've been married for... just shy of 5 years. We have a 2 year old daughter, and a 5 year old son. Before our son was born, he went through recovery for cocaine addiction. Between the birth of our son and the birth of our daughter, he went through a stage where he would stay drunk for weeks on end and a pretty solid two years of Xanax abuse. Overall, when he wasn't working, he was pretty much passed out or well on his way to it. Eventually he stopped drinking, and he stopped taking Xanax.
Then he had his appendix removed when our daughter was a month old. In all honesty, I think that's when we started down the road to heroin. They gave him a small oxycodone prescription for the post-surgical pain. Within a week, he had gone to the doctor for what I believed was a real problem with stomach pains. Finding nothing wrong, the doctor started writing prescriptions to help him manage the "pain." (At this point, I'm not sure whether there is pain, or if there ever was. How could I really know?) Vicodin, percocet.... finally Oxycontin.
They worked their way through dosages until he was getting a scrip for 120 80-mg Oxycontin every month. And running through those in a week. Of course, at that point, he started buying more of them. He stopped taking them orally, and started snorting them like cocaine. It was a matter of months before a friend showed him how to shoot up. He told me the first time, because he felt guilty. (My cousin and best friend died from tainted heroin at a party when she was 16. It was her first time. I had told him we could get through anything as long as he wasn't using heroin. And it's a pretty small step from shooting up Oxy to using heroin.) He swore it would never happen again. "I didn't even LIKE it. I don't get the fuss about it."
I don't think he ever stopped shooting once he stopped. He lied about it for a long time. And I knew he was lying, I think. But I... rationalized it, I guess. He was still functioning. He was going to work every day. He was an attentive father... once in a while. I never said a word.
Finally, around the end of February of this year, I realized he was spending all of our income (not all of our disposable income-- ALL of our money) on junk. We talked. He said he wanted to go to treatment. He went into a 3-day detox program at a local University Medical Center. It was hard to get him into the program. Within 2 weeks of his release, he was using again. Again, I ignored it. (What kind of sick person do you have to be to know that the person you love is killing themselves and to stand back and do nothing to help? : )
I've watched him spiral out of control until I can't watch any more. At the beginning of this month, he spent our rent on dope. We lost our apartment. My kids and I are moving in with my mom, and he can't come with us. I told him that we need to take a step back from our relationship to get ourselves healthy as individuals before we try to make this work. He insists that if he doesn't have me, he has no reason to get clean. I think that if he's getting clean for me (or for DS or DD), he's setting himself up to fail.
He's been staying with his parents for 3 weeks. He's been going to counseling, and he told me he's been clean since he started staying there. They went out of town this week, and he said he needed someone here to keep him sober. We're here until they get back... but he's not clean. I don't know this for sure, but I suspect it strongly. I know he's dealing, which kills me. Even if he isn't using, how can a person who knows what this **** leads to contribute to someone else's misery that way? But I think he's using anyway. He's in the bathroom for long times. I hear him throwing up. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want to leave him if that's going to make him use again (Again? STILL? And I know that the logic is ridiculous... He's been using with me beside him. Leaving him isn't going to MAKE him use. He's making him use. Not me. It's not ME.), but I have to protect our children. How do I keep him from dragging us into this shipwreck with him?
I don't know what I'm posting this for. Support? Reassurance that I'm not the only person in this situation? Encouragement to walk away and never look back? I don't even know.
We've been married for... just shy of 5 years. We have a 2 year old daughter, and a 5 year old son. Before our son was born, he went through recovery for cocaine addiction. Between the birth of our son and the birth of our daughter, he went through a stage where he would stay drunk for weeks on end and a pretty solid two years of Xanax abuse. Overall, when he wasn't working, he was pretty much passed out or well on his way to it. Eventually he stopped drinking, and he stopped taking Xanax.
Then he had his appendix removed when our daughter was a month old. In all honesty, I think that's when we started down the road to heroin. They gave him a small oxycodone prescription for the post-surgical pain. Within a week, he had gone to the doctor for what I believed was a real problem with stomach pains. Finding nothing wrong, the doctor started writing prescriptions to help him manage the "pain." (At this point, I'm not sure whether there is pain, or if there ever was. How could I really know?) Vicodin, percocet.... finally Oxycontin.
They worked their way through dosages until he was getting a scrip for 120 80-mg Oxycontin every month. And running through those in a week. Of course, at that point, he started buying more of them. He stopped taking them orally, and started snorting them like cocaine. It was a matter of months before a friend showed him how to shoot up. He told me the first time, because he felt guilty. (My cousin and best friend died from tainted heroin at a party when she was 16. It was her first time. I had told him we could get through anything as long as he wasn't using heroin. And it's a pretty small step from shooting up Oxy to using heroin.) He swore it would never happen again. "I didn't even LIKE it. I don't get the fuss about it."
I don't think he ever stopped shooting once he stopped. He lied about it for a long time. And I knew he was lying, I think. But I... rationalized it, I guess. He was still functioning. He was going to work every day. He was an attentive father... once in a while. I never said a word.
Finally, around the end of February of this year, I realized he was spending all of our income (not all of our disposable income-- ALL of our money) on junk. We talked. He said he wanted to go to treatment. He went into a 3-day detox program at a local University Medical Center. It was hard to get him into the program. Within 2 weeks of his release, he was using again. Again, I ignored it. (What kind of sick person do you have to be to know that the person you love is killing themselves and to stand back and do nothing to help? : )
I've watched him spiral out of control until I can't watch any more. At the beginning of this month, he spent our rent on dope. We lost our apartment. My kids and I are moving in with my mom, and he can't come with us. I told him that we need to take a step back from our relationship to get ourselves healthy as individuals before we try to make this work. He insists that if he doesn't have me, he has no reason to get clean. I think that if he's getting clean for me (or for DS or DD), he's setting himself up to fail.
He's been staying with his parents for 3 weeks. He's been going to counseling, and he told me he's been clean since he started staying there. They went out of town this week, and he said he needed someone here to keep him sober. We're here until they get back... but he's not clean. I don't know this for sure, but I suspect it strongly. I know he's dealing, which kills me. Even if he isn't using, how can a person who knows what this **** leads to contribute to someone else's misery that way? But I think he's using anyway. He's in the bathroom for long times. I hear him throwing up. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want to leave him if that's going to make him use again (Again? STILL? And I know that the logic is ridiculous... He's been using with me beside him. Leaving him isn't going to MAKE him use. He's making him use. Not me. It's not ME.), but I have to protect our children. How do I keep him from dragging us into this shipwreck with him?
I don't know what I'm posting this for. Support? Reassurance that I'm not the only person in this situation? Encouragement to walk away and never look back? I don't even know.
How do I keep him from dragging us into this shipwreck with him?
beeswax, you are in the shipwreck right now because you are with him. You are free to jump ship to save you and your children's lives, and I pray you do that immediately.
beeswax, you are in the shipwreck right now because you are with him. You are free to jump ship to save you and your children's lives, and I pray you do that immediately.
So, take the kids, put one foot in front of the other, turn the door handle and leave.
Agreed. Every word he says are lies and manipulation. He keeps shifting his responsibility onto you. He will for every second you let him. And every second you do, your kids are in a dangerous dangerous situation. You've reassured him that he can use, blow your money, ruin you and ur kids life, and STILL get to have his family. So if he can have both, why WOULD he quit?
Beeswax,
My situation was very similar to yours, minus the kids and the heroin. I caught my ABF shooting up Oxys time and time again, and I told myself that every time was "the last" time, but I never left him, never did anything about it until recently. For the past 3 or so months I have been going to therapy once a week, attending online Al-Anon meetings, and posting in this forum, and the support I have received and continue to receive from my therapist and the wonderful people at StepChat & SoberRecovery gave me the strength I needed to take a major step in the right direction.
For the longest time I was terrified of leaving my ABF. I was terrified that he would end up killing himself if I ended our relationship, but I was even more terrified of being alone again. I finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I was terrified of losing him, losing everything. I just didn't have the strength to start over again. Despite his addiction, I was the happiest I had ever been before. He took care of me when my heart failed (not due to drug abuse) last year, never left my side, and for the first time in my life I realized what real love felt like. I knew that he truly loved me, but that love wasn't enough to make him stop killing himself, and my empty threats weren't helping the situation at all. I had gone from happy to hopeless in a year's time, and I had no other choice but to focus on my own recovery because that was the only thing I could control.
About a month ago I had this amazing "ah ha" moment, a moment of complete clarity, and instead of talking myself out of it this time, I decided to do what I didn't think I had the strength to do - I left. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart, but I could not continue to watch him self-destruct and I could not allow his addiction to run my life anymore. I told him that I was leaving for as long as I needed to be gone, that I needed time away from him to think about what I wanted out of life and what I needed to do in order to make it happen. I also told him that the time I was away was his opportunity to take a long, hard look at himself and to do his own soul searching. I told him that he needed to get help, but not to save our relationship, but because he wanted to change. I didn't promise him anything, didn't say that we would try to work it out if he changed, and I guess that statement had a major impact on him because he gave me his entire bottle of pills before I left.
I high-tailed it to the next state for two weeks and did some major soul searching, and in that time I realized that even if our relationship didn't work out, I would eventually be okay. Of course there would be a lot of pain and heartache without him in my life, but it wouldn't kill me - I would survive - and ever since that realization came to me, I have been a different person.
He also did some major soul searching over those two weeks because he is not the same person as he was before. He has a long, hard road ahead of him if he wants to stay clean, but he is well on his way and I will support him as long as he stays on track. I guess he realized that he would eventually lose me, lose everything if he continued down that path and he decided that he couldn't live like that anymore. While I was gone, he actually spent every day with my parents, and that meant the world to me. That simple action showed me that he wanted to get better, and I decided to give our relationship another shot. He went to his primary care doctor and got on anti-depressants, there are no more track marks on his arms (or anywhere on his body), and he is actually happy. We even went to Talladega Superspeedway to with my parents for 5 days and had the most amazing trip ever.
Maybe I lucked out? I know most of the time an addict has to hit rock bottom before he/she gets help for himself/herself, but maybe that was his rock bottom? Everyone is different, so it may take your AH much longer to hit his rock bottom. No one has all the answers, but what I do know is that YOU have to take care of yourself and focus on your own recovery or nothing will ever change. Leaving your AH and going to your mom's house was a major step and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. Many people remain in hopeless relationships for their entire lives and never take a step toward recovery. The hard part is over - you found the strength to get out.
Just remember that he is an addict, and he will say anything to continue to use drugs until he is ready to change. Telling you that he needs you in his life in order to get clean is a bunch of manipulating crap - don't fall for it. He has to do this on his own and until he can prove to you that he is serious about his recovery, don't give him a second glance. Focus on yourself and your own recovery, and lean on those of us who have been in your situation for support and guidance and you will too find the strength you need to get your life back.
I recommend that you attend face-to-face Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings - you will find so much support there, and if you are uncomfortable with face-to-face meetings, you can attend online Al-Anon meetings at StepChat.com. It is a wonderful chat site for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts and there is always someone online to talk to.
Good luck to you, and remember that regardless of how things turn out for you and your AH, you will survive - it is never too late to start over.
Sending hugs and strength your way,
My situation was very similar to yours, minus the kids and the heroin. I caught my ABF shooting up Oxys time and time again, and I told myself that every time was "the last" time, but I never left him, never did anything about it until recently. For the past 3 or so months I have been going to therapy once a week, attending online Al-Anon meetings, and posting in this forum, and the support I have received and continue to receive from my therapist and the wonderful people at StepChat & SoberRecovery gave me the strength I needed to take a major step in the right direction.
For the longest time I was terrified of leaving my ABF. I was terrified that he would end up killing himself if I ended our relationship, but I was even more terrified of being alone again. I finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I was terrified of losing him, losing everything. I just didn't have the strength to start over again. Despite his addiction, I was the happiest I had ever been before. He took care of me when my heart failed (not due to drug abuse) last year, never left my side, and for the first time in my life I realized what real love felt like. I knew that he truly loved me, but that love wasn't enough to make him stop killing himself, and my empty threats weren't helping the situation at all. I had gone from happy to hopeless in a year's time, and I had no other choice but to focus on my own recovery because that was the only thing I could control.
About a month ago I had this amazing "ah ha" moment, a moment of complete clarity, and instead of talking myself out of it this time, I decided to do what I didn't think I had the strength to do - I left. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart, but I could not continue to watch him self-destruct and I could not allow his addiction to run my life anymore. I told him that I was leaving for as long as I needed to be gone, that I needed time away from him to think about what I wanted out of life and what I needed to do in order to make it happen. I also told him that the time I was away was his opportunity to take a long, hard look at himself and to do his own soul searching. I told him that he needed to get help, but not to save our relationship, but because he wanted to change. I didn't promise him anything, didn't say that we would try to work it out if he changed, and I guess that statement had a major impact on him because he gave me his entire bottle of pills before I left.
I high-tailed it to the next state for two weeks and did some major soul searching, and in that time I realized that even if our relationship didn't work out, I would eventually be okay. Of course there would be a lot of pain and heartache without him in my life, but it wouldn't kill me - I would survive - and ever since that realization came to me, I have been a different person.
He also did some major soul searching over those two weeks because he is not the same person as he was before. He has a long, hard road ahead of him if he wants to stay clean, but he is well on his way and I will support him as long as he stays on track. I guess he realized that he would eventually lose me, lose everything if he continued down that path and he decided that he couldn't live like that anymore. While I was gone, he actually spent every day with my parents, and that meant the world to me. That simple action showed me that he wanted to get better, and I decided to give our relationship another shot. He went to his primary care doctor and got on anti-depressants, there are no more track marks on his arms (or anywhere on his body), and he is actually happy. We even went to Talladega Superspeedway to with my parents for 5 days and had the most amazing trip ever.
Maybe I lucked out? I know most of the time an addict has to hit rock bottom before he/she gets help for himself/herself, but maybe that was his rock bottom? Everyone is different, so it may take your AH much longer to hit his rock bottom. No one has all the answers, but what I do know is that YOU have to take care of yourself and focus on your own recovery or nothing will ever change. Leaving your AH and going to your mom's house was a major step and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. Many people remain in hopeless relationships for their entire lives and never take a step toward recovery. The hard part is over - you found the strength to get out.
Just remember that he is an addict, and he will say anything to continue to use drugs until he is ready to change. Telling you that he needs you in his life in order to get clean is a bunch of manipulating crap - don't fall for it. He has to do this on his own and until he can prove to you that he is serious about his recovery, don't give him a second glance. Focus on yourself and your own recovery, and lean on those of us who have been in your situation for support and guidance and you will too find the strength you need to get your life back.
I recommend that you attend face-to-face Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings - you will find so much support there, and if you are uncomfortable with face-to-face meetings, you can attend online Al-Anon meetings at StepChat.com. It is a wonderful chat site for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts and there is always someone online to talk to.
Good luck to you, and remember that regardless of how things turn out for you and your AH, you will survive - it is never too late to start over.
Sending hugs and strength your way,
Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I guess, really, I KNOW all of this already. Just you get so used to living in the world of an addict that it's a struggle to recognize normal. That wouldn't make sense to anyone I know IRL, but hopefully someone here gets it.
We're back at my mom's. Next week I have an appointment with a family education counselor at the treatment facility AH (Am I correct in thinking that an 'A_' designates this person as "your" addict? On another forum, I might type 'D_' for "Dear (relationship)".... ??) is going to. I'm hopeful that he can direct me to counseling services, for myself, and for my son. He's a sensitive little guy, and I worry most about the effect this will have on him. In the mean time, I'll be at an Al-Anon meeting saturday morning.
There is no Nar-Anon in my area.... I wonder if the people at Al-Anon will be okay with my being there? AH has told me that he feels like the AA people in this area are pretty defensive that the first 'A' means they're only there for people addicted to alcohol, and aren't really receptive to other addictions. (Again... looking at life from the addict's skewed POV, so IDK.) Maybe someone can tell me if I'll find Al-Anon receptive?
We're back at my mom's. Next week I have an appointment with a family education counselor at the treatment facility AH (Am I correct in thinking that an 'A_' designates this person as "your" addict? On another forum, I might type 'D_' for "Dear (relationship)".... ??) is going to. I'm hopeful that he can direct me to counseling services, for myself, and for my son. He's a sensitive little guy, and I worry most about the effect this will have on him. In the mean time, I'll be at an Al-Anon meeting saturday morning.
There is no Nar-Anon in my area.... I wonder if the people at Al-Anon will be okay with my being there? AH has told me that he feels like the AA people in this area are pretty defensive that the first 'A' means they're only there for people addicted to alcohol, and aren't really receptive to other addictions. (Again... looking at life from the addict's skewed POV, so IDK.) Maybe someone can tell me if I'll find Al-Anon receptive?
I attended any meetings I chose to. My exabf both drank & used, so I figured what difference did it make and my mother is an alcoholic. I would go to any meeting I could get to. To me the premiss is the same.
Your children should not be raised in a home of an addict, this toxic enviorment will affect them for the rest of their lives, and, it is so unfair to them, they are the true victims.
Why you went and babysat him is beyond me, he is an adult. This is his problem to resolve, not yours. I really hope that you did not take your children with you.
Many of us here have lived with an addict, so, we do understand, we also understand how recovery from codependency has changed our life, all for the better.
Read all the stickies at the top of this page and if you haven't read Codepency No More, I would suggest that you do, it is a good starting point.
Keep working on you, make your children your priorty. You are their voice, it is your responsibility to see that they are not exposed to your husbands madness, as they already have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction, that is more than enough for them to deal with, let alone living with someone with his problem.
Your children should not be raised in a home of an addict, this toxic enviorment will affect them for the rest of their lives, and, it is so unfair to them, they are the true victims.
Why you went and babysat him is beyond me, he is an adult. This is his problem to resolve, not yours. I really hope that you did not take your children with you.
Many of us here have lived with an addict, so, we do understand, we also understand how recovery from codependency has changed our life, all for the better.
Read all the stickies at the top of this page and if you haven't read Codepency No More, I would suggest that you do, it is a good starting point.
Keep working on you, make your children your priorty. You are their voice, it is your responsibility to see that they are not exposed to your husbands madness, as they already have inherited the gene which predisposes them to addiction, that is more than enough for them to deal with, let alone living with someone with his problem.
Maybe someone can tell me if I'll find Al-Anon receptive?
Grab a copy of "How Al-Anon Works" if they have it. It's a really wonderful book. I'm just now reading it and I've been in the program for quite a while. I wish I had read it years ago.
Welcome.....you are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) are very similar fellowships and they are about US and not about the substance our loved ones abuse. They help us get back on our feet and reclaim our lives and they help us to make better choices in the future. Meetings literally saved my life.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes, it may be the "obvious" solution to leave but that doesn't make it easy for you at all. I am glad you have the support of your family to help you through this painful time.
Hugs
I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes, it may be the "obvious" solution to leave but that doesn't make it easy for you at all. I am glad you have the support of your family to help you through this painful time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: this side of hell
Posts: 1
Hmm all of you give ****** advice. Beeswax your husband suffers from a disease. Not to mention that Heroin is a completely different monster than anything else. It is the one drug that the user can decide to stop and still not be sober for years. It is a torrid affair that is physically, emotionally, and psycologically devastating on the user. I know how devastating it is on the family as well. I also know that from what you described of his use its a miracle that he is alive. From experience with this type of addiction it can be beat and he is still here for some reason. If all you can do is tell him you support him. I will pray for you
I wish we had naranon where I am but I have found alanon very receptive...
Sorry but I feel alot of replies to your post were coming from people who have never been in your shoes... I would go to an alanon meeting and talk about this since I doubt anyone there would ever tell you to leave your husband!
That said, you have more than yourself to think abotu here, and I admire your courage in posting.
Having been in a long term relationship with a junkie, I used to read this website called "a junkies wife" in my worst moments. IT was the only thing that gave me solace that someone else understood.
Good luck : )
Sorry but I feel alot of replies to your post were coming from people who have never been in your shoes... I would go to an alanon meeting and talk about this since I doubt anyone there would ever tell you to leave your husband!
That said, you have more than yourself to think abotu here, and I admire your courage in posting.
Having been in a long term relationship with a junkie, I used to read this website called "a junkies wife" in my worst moments. IT was the only thing that gave me solace that someone else understood.
Good luck : )
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