I need to get him out of my thoughts
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
I need to get him out of my thoughts
I have been seperated from my stbxah for 6 months now with no contact for over the last 2 months. I know I am in such a better place now and as I continue with my recovery. For the most part feel pretty good about my new life. However, I just can't seem to get him off my mind!
I ran into him with his new "friend" a couple days ago and now this feeling of hurt came rushing back. I hate this! I know I did the right thing by leaving, but it still hurts.
I have been reading alot here and trying to figure out how to let go... I want him out of my head.
I thought of something this morning that I have read here in the past about going to a place that we enjoyed together, a really SPECIAL place, and set him free. Maybe I could take some of the memories to this place and set them free. Pour out the memories...
Guess what. I have spent hours trying to think of that place. REALLY! I figured out that place doesn't exist. It's only in my mind. There is no "special" place. I can't for the life of me think of one place that him and I have a special fond memory of that I could go to. In REALITY I would have to go to one of the dark bars because that is ALL we did over the last couple years together! Would't I look like the nut job!
It seems that this memory of the wonderful life that we had and I miss was really from years ago and it proves to me that as his disease DID progress, our relationship disintegrated. I was so wrapped up in him I never saw what was really happening.
Why does the sadness still come over me when I KNOW in my rational mind that I shouldn't feel this way? How do I just get him out of my thoughts?
I ran into him with his new "friend" a couple days ago and now this feeling of hurt came rushing back. I hate this! I know I did the right thing by leaving, but it still hurts.
I have been reading alot here and trying to figure out how to let go... I want him out of my head.
I thought of something this morning that I have read here in the past about going to a place that we enjoyed together, a really SPECIAL place, and set him free. Maybe I could take some of the memories to this place and set them free. Pour out the memories...
Guess what. I have spent hours trying to think of that place. REALLY! I figured out that place doesn't exist. It's only in my mind. There is no "special" place. I can't for the life of me think of one place that him and I have a special fond memory of that I could go to. In REALITY I would have to go to one of the dark bars because that is ALL we did over the last couple years together! Would't I look like the nut job!
It seems that this memory of the wonderful life that we had and I miss was really from years ago and it proves to me that as his disease DID progress, our relationship disintegrated. I was so wrapped up in him I never saw what was really happening.
Why does the sadness still come over me when I KNOW in my rational mind that I shouldn't feel this way? How do I just get him out of my thoughts?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Use your subconcious mind, it is the controller of your mind and body. Every night right before you drift off to sleep, feed your subconcious mind this thought (or something similar) "I will no longer obsess about xyz, I am happy".
Do that every night, your subconcious mind will feed the thought to your concious mind and it will believe it. One day, out of no where you will realize you are no longer thinking about xyz.
Then if you need to, move onto another reprogramming issue.
Works for me.
Do that every night, your subconcious mind will feed the thought to your concious mind and it will believe it. One day, out of no where you will realize you are no longer thinking about xyz.
Then if you need to, move onto another reprogramming issue.
Works for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
Thank you dollydo for your suggestion. I'm gonna try it. I do obsess over him, I did when I was with him. He constantly lied to me about everything that all I did was try to find the truth in our life. I know I was so caught up... this couldn't be my life! F$%^ Ten years of worrying about what he's doing, Now I just need to let it go, just stop!
It sucks he can still effect me after all this time, after all the progress I have made. I know from reading here this too shall pass. The sadness is what caught me off guard. I know I don't want anything to do with him, there truly is nothing left for us. I think what bothers me is I don't want anyone else to want him either. Sick, isn't it?
It sucks he can still effect me after all this time, after all the progress I have made. I know from reading here this too shall pass. The sadness is what caught me off guard. I know I don't want anything to do with him, there truly is nothing left for us. I think what bothers me is I don't want anyone else to want him either. Sick, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
It's all very normal to want nothing to do with him (and yet to secretely want him to suffer, perhaps to validate the suffering he put you through)...2 months of NC and 6 months of separation is a relatively short amount of time, so maybe it's a good idea to give yourself a break.
I second the notion of daily affirmations. Perhaps add in something to the effect of "I love myself for who and what I am today". Self-love is where it all begins, IMO.
And whenever I feel "weak", or sad or frustrated by events around me, I always go back to my serenity prayer. I find comfort in knowing that HP guides me, watches over me, and that I have no power over the lives and choices of others.
Give yourself time and before you know it, you'll have made more steps towards getting rid of him in your mind.
I second the notion of daily affirmations. Perhaps add in something to the effect of "I love myself for who and what I am today". Self-love is where it all begins, IMO.
And whenever I feel "weak", or sad or frustrated by events around me, I always go back to my serenity prayer. I find comfort in knowing that HP guides me, watches over me, and that I have no power over the lives and choices of others.
Give yourself time and before you know it, you'll have made more steps towards getting rid of him in your mind.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What I found was that my mind likes to hang on to things, and play them over and over. One tool that I used was journaling. When I had thoughts swirling around in my mind, I would take out a notebook and pen and just write them all down. Getting it out of my mind and down on paper helped.
L
L
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Use your subconcious mind, it is the controller of your mind and body. Every night right before you drift off to sleep, feed your subconcious mind this thought (or something similar) "I will no longer obsess about xyz, I am happy".
Do that every night, your subconcious mind will feed the thought to your concious mind and it will believe it. One day, out of no where you will realize you are no longer thinking about xyz.
Then if you need to, move onto another reprogramming issue.
Works for me.
Do that every night, your subconcious mind will feed the thought to your concious mind and it will believe it. One day, out of no where you will realize you are no longer thinking about xyz.
Then if you need to, move onto another reprogramming issue.
Works for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
I have all these thoughts and emotions rushing through my head today I cant even keep up with myself. I went into go mode, took a shower, makeup, a pretty dress and forcing myself to go into the office. A strange thing happened to me during this and I realized all the signs my HP are giving me right now.
Yesterday after my pity party I finally went to my office even though I didn't think I had much to gain. A woman came in asking for me with a gift. It was a small Halloween bucket filled with sweet treats! Just what I needed. She was someone I met recently at a trade show, she wants my referrals but so what, the candy made me smile at least.
Before I knew it she was no longer talking about her company but telling me about her family. She actually said to me she wasn't happy in her marriage and was thinking of leaving her husband but is waiting for the right time. She's afraid of the timing. I told her she would know when it was right, that I too had the same fears. Why would she tell me these things? I don't even know her! I was at work!
We talked for almost an hour and she left as quickly as came and now today I can't help but think that she is a messenger. IS SHE? There are so many signs all around me I'm doing the right things I just need to trust. WOW TRUST. That's a tough one.
OK I'm rambling. It feels good to release these emotions. Thank you all for listening and giving me this place to confide my inner most crazy thoughts. Please tell me I'm not a crazy person.
Yesterday after my pity party I finally went to my office even though I didn't think I had much to gain. A woman came in asking for me with a gift. It was a small Halloween bucket filled with sweet treats! Just what I needed. She was someone I met recently at a trade show, she wants my referrals but so what, the candy made me smile at least.
Before I knew it she was no longer talking about her company but telling me about her family. She actually said to me she wasn't happy in her marriage and was thinking of leaving her husband but is waiting for the right time. She's afraid of the timing. I told her she would know when it was right, that I too had the same fears. Why would she tell me these things? I don't even know her! I was at work!
We talked for almost an hour and she left as quickly as came and now today I can't help but think that she is a messenger. IS SHE? There are so many signs all around me I'm doing the right things I just need to trust. WOW TRUST. That's a tough one.
OK I'm rambling. It feels good to release these emotions. Thank you all for listening and giving me this place to confide my inner most crazy thoughts. Please tell me I'm not a crazy person.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Have you tried looking into mindfulness? It really helped me. When I would find myself starting to dwell on something like that I would either ask myself who am I talking to, how does this help your recovery or chant some mantra. Anything to bring me back to the here and now. In the beginning I had to really focus on it but now pretty much whenever one of those thoughts pops up I deflect it almost right away with very little effort.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
LOL - had a vision of you setting fire to a dark bar as an act of letting go...
In all seriousness...LTD has a great suggestion that works really well for me. There is something powerful to getting it out of my head and onto paper that helps me to move past it.
I also stay busy - even if its the silliness of house cleaning or internet surfing or taking a walk outside - when I hit obsessive mode I force myself to go do something else. It does pass. And remember, your emotions are real and valid, but not necessarily rational.
In all seriousness...LTD has a great suggestion that works really well for me. There is something powerful to getting it out of my head and onto paper that helps me to move past it.
I also stay busy - even if its the silliness of house cleaning or internet surfing or taking a walk outside - when I hit obsessive mode I force myself to go do something else. It does pass. And remember, your emotions are real and valid, but not necessarily rational.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
OK I'm going to work now. Let's just see what today brings!
I have all my positive thoughts in place and I'm putting an end to the pity party. Thanks tuffgirl for making me giggle
I think we all need reminders that the grass isn't greener and its ok to feel...
You know this was promted by my thought of a SPECIAL place to release him and not being able to come up with even one. I still can't go that far back so I'm going forward and finding new special placesin my new life.
Thanks to all you who comfort me beyond words and prayers to all of you who still struggle with the journey. I know we'll all be fine.
I have all my positive thoughts in place and I'm putting an end to the pity party. Thanks tuffgirl for making me giggle
I think we all need reminders that the grass isn't greener and its ok to feel...
You know this was promted by my thought of a SPECIAL place to release him and not being able to come up with even one. I still can't go that far back so I'm going forward and finding new special placesin my new life.
Thanks to all you who comfort me beyond words and prayers to all of you who still struggle with the journey. I know we'll all be fine.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I love the story about the woman coming into your work! When I become open and aware... I start to see my HP. I see that he/she is everywhere, in everything, and everyone. There is something to be learned gained from EVERY interaction (good and bad!).
As for the obsessive thinking... when I find myself focusing on something that I shouldn't be (or at least know that it's not healthy!), the serenity prayer really helps on the immediate change of thought. As for my soon to be XAH, what has helped me has been praying for him. Working to understand the disease has given me a little understanding and a whole lot of compassion. Accepting that he's unhealthy for me has helped me detach physically, mentally, and spiritually from my addiction to him.
The slogans are key for moments when my dis-ease is in a flare up...
Easy Does It!
How Important is it?
Just for today!
One day at a time!
All of those are quick little phrases that help stop my spin, put my thoughts back into perspective... and get me back into the here and now!
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
As for the obsessive thinking... when I find myself focusing on something that I shouldn't be (or at least know that it's not healthy!), the serenity prayer really helps on the immediate change of thought. As for my soon to be XAH, what has helped me has been praying for him. Working to understand the disease has given me a little understanding and a whole lot of compassion. Accepting that he's unhealthy for me has helped me detach physically, mentally, and spiritually from my addiction to him.
The slogans are key for moments when my dis-ease is in a flare up...
Easy Does It!
How Important is it?
Just for today!
One day at a time!
All of those are quick little phrases that help stop my spin, put my thoughts back into perspective... and get me back into the here and now!
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I had to keep myself living in the present.
"And they lived happily ever after" was no longer my reality or option. He no longer brought joy to my life.
My handsome prince was now an ugly troll.
When I was feeling sad and weak, all I had to do is remember his out of control, over the top, drunken actions.
That helped me acknowledge the facts. I did not ever want to live like that again.
It doesn't matter who is with now. Soon she will be living the same nightmare you have. Nothing has changed.
Go forward, live the life that awaits you. Be proud that you have enough respect for yourself to choose to live a healthy life. It's going to get better............
"And they lived happily ever after" was no longer my reality or option. He no longer brought joy to my life.
My handsome prince was now an ugly troll.
When I was feeling sad and weak, all I had to do is remember his out of control, over the top, drunken actions.
That helped me acknowledge the facts. I did not ever want to live like that again.
It doesn't matter who is with now. Soon she will be living the same nightmare you have. Nothing has changed.
Go forward, live the life that awaits you. Be proud that you have enough respect for yourself to choose to live a healthy life. It's going to get better............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 29
Yep I am at work at still completly distracted. Not so sad... just distracted so I'm giving into it and starting the weekend a little early. I think the journaling advise is what I need too, so I'm going to start with a gratitude list and be easy on myself this weekend. And yes, I will be here too.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
You feel these things because you are human and you have a heart. Sometimes its just not as simple as what your HEAD knows. Whether they are healthy or not, we loved them and loss requires a grieving process. Not a WALLOWING process, mind you, but a grieving process. LOL
Don't be too hard on yourself for having human feelings. Work through them, reframe your reality. It takes time. Sometimes reframing takes minutes, sometimes days. Sometimes we feel strong for a year and then we get smacked in the face one day when we are least prepared. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Don't be too hard on yourself for having human feelings. Work through them, reframe your reality. It takes time. Sometimes reframing takes minutes, sometimes days. Sometimes we feel strong for a year and then we get smacked in the face one day when we are least prepared. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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