tryintosmile

My mother died a month ago. It's been very painful and I would be taking some time to grieve, but the A keeps me on my toes and busy. He was fairly supportive (putting up with my family being here and all). Now her husband and my niece have moved out and gotten a place in the next town. The rent they paid equaled the amount he drank in a month, but he wanted everyone gone. Now we're alone - just the way he wanted it, but with less money for vices. At least when no one is around, he doesn't do as much complaining and life has been fairly quiet.

Now - a new complication - but not really new. He did this the last time we were on our own - when his kids had moved out, etc. Looking for other women. What a cycle! He's met a woman at work and I came home one day to find him on the phone with her. Said she was just a friend and very friendly - liked to talk to all the boys at work. Having problems - he was just being sympathetic (oops but my mother was dying). Sure - whatever. Then I had his cell and noticed she'd called (I'd remembered the number). I asked him what she was doing with his cell number and he made up some excuse, saying it was stupid to have given it to her because now she was calling him regularly. That put me in not trusting mode (which I've been in before), and when I'm in that mode I'm going to find out what he's doing. I had to go into the city for an appointment and decided to stay a couple of days with my sister. I put a voice recorder in his 'drinking room' and sure enough, when I got back I discovered that he'd called her and said he was looking forward to seeing her (telling her that I'd gone to the city). Yep!

I got my evidence. I wanted it - to help make me strong enough to leave the b*st*rd - once and for all. I should have left long ago because I shouldn't have tolerated all of the drunken verbal and emotional abuse, lies, etc. but NO - OF COURSE I NEED TO FIND OUT HE'S CHEATING ON ME to get me into action. This is my opportunity! I caught him red-handed and he knows he can't lie his way out of it. In fact, he got drunk and told me he went to her place (which at first he'd denied to the nth degree) and only had a glass of wine and left. RIGHT! I've never met such a master liar in my life. Deny - deny - deny - and even yell at me for confronting him. That's why I HAD to basically 'catch him in the act'. Because even HE can understand that you CAN leave someone who is cheating on you! (The other issues are just 'fights' that every couple has - (right - I sure hope not).

Now I want to leave - more than ever - or rather this has given me the verve but I find my nerve slipping away. I was SO strong when I confronted him, but he keeps telling me I'm making the mistake of my life, and now I'm beginning to get scared that I will leave this 'lovely prison' and end up living on skid row somewhere. I have no confidence in myself anymore and don't believe I can handle it. I also don't know how to do this. I don't know if I should pack up all of my things and put them in storage or just go and come back later for them. He says he wants to wait 'til the spring to sell the house (going along with me, yet arguing at the same time). I wish I had someone who would take me by the hand and walk me through this process. If I did - I'd likely make it - but if not - he's going to continue to downplay what he did - 'oh she's just a friend' and convince me that I'm overreacting, and I'll end up staying because that seems like the easier thing to do. My head hurts just thinking about all I will have to do to get out of this. Everything is so tied up and we never married - but I've been privy to 15 years of nightly drunken abuse and eggshell walking. I'm just exhausted trying to believe that leaving at this stage in my life will be the best move.

I've become such a loser over the years and don't really care about much. He still takes care of himself (other than the heavy drinking) - he's 7 years younger than I am, and the women think he's so attractive and charming. That's Dr. Jekyll they're referring to. Mr. Hyde is who I live with - at least most of the time.

I wish that I could understand what I'm so afraid of. Other than that I'm on disability for constant pain (Fibromyalgia) and don't have much of a life anymore. I wasted some of the best years of my life with this man - so I'm thinking what's the point in walking away when I have nothing to walk away to. I know that sounds stupid - but it almost feels as though I'll be going from the frying pan into the fire. One step lower than I already am - what's the point in any of this? I feel as though it doesn't matter. I don't even care if he quits drinking or not. Like I said - I just don't care much about anything, anymore. I just made a wrong turn in my life and ruined it. My perks are just lots of material things and a beautiful place to live - but I'm miserable in it. Most people would give anything to have what I do. How should I even be complaining at all ... I'm honestly so confused

LifeRecovery

It was my husband's affair that actually got me up and moving.

Though incredibly painful within 24hrs of finding out I was in the doors of Al-anon (which I had known I had needed for five years). The program has helped me deal with both aspects of my relationship with him....though it was only designed to help me deal with one.

Though hard, and taking longer then I thought it would. I have found that I am not walking away from anything, I am walking toward myself. Which is very important.

dollydo

Many womens self esteem is based on having a man...any man. If you need a man to complete you....you will never find tru happiness.

I agree with Life you are not walking away, you are walking forward to a learning experience, to a peaceful life.

Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship and that is now your comfort zone. Have you sought professional help to sort out your issues? Might be helpful to you.

tryintosmile

Thanks I wish this were my first rodeo but it's not. He's been doing things like this throughout the whole relationship - but with breaks in between where he's just nasty and I'm the one and only (enabling person to be dumped on). How can I start working the program when I need serious immediate help. I've been to Al Anon a few times and although it felt good in the moment, I wasn't able to incorporate it into my situation.

People wonder why women don't walk away when they're abused. People wonder why we stay. I know why. 'Cause it's so much harder to have to be strong when you're hurting so bad and so beaten down. When one minute he's telling you to leave and you'll have nothing when you go and threatening you - and the other he's begging you to stay and this time he's even thrown in that he'll agree to go to marriage counselling (A FIRST IN 15 YEARS) and all you want to do is stay and block off your heart a bit more and say to yourself - well it's easier than fighting, he still wants to be with me, regardless of whether or not he's doing this with other women. So many people have left - I don't even know how - but I sure admire them right now.

I was supposed to be strong and start packing today. I feel like I need to leave right now but I barely had any sleep, am in pain and no good for anything. OMG - I feel like such a loser. I don't know what to do. Where did the courage of my convictions go? I was SO sure yesterday that I asked my Stepdad to bring me all of his packing boxes. AH also just left for work and was making nasty comments - just to make sure I'm vulnerable - which I am ...

I've made so many stupid decisions in my life and feel as though I'm about to make another one. Apparently, I'm very good at that ...

tryintosmile

Thanks Dolly - I have learned that a man won't complete me. I just wish I had some supportive friends to help me through the transition. I went through 2 years of abuse counselling and still didn't have what it takes to walk away ...

dollydo

Doing the right thing is not always easy, yet necessary. I cannot believe that all the stress of living in an abusive relationship helps your health issue any...does it?

If you really, really want to do this, you will, no excuses, you will just start packing and follow through.

Crying wolf gives him all the power, this situation will only get worse, not better. Call a
family member for support or a DV hotline.

You have no self esteem, and, you never will if your stay with him.

I cannot tell you what to do, it is your life, your choice. I wish you the best.

worriedwife2

Hello tryintosmile,

I really have no insite, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I could have written the very same words of your post. I'm thinking of you and looking forward to hearing all the wisdom of the wonderful people on this board.

Chris:ghug3

Tuffgirl

You are strong enough. Anyone is strong enough to end a relationship that is toxic. It isn't strength that is needed, its the ability to acknowledge your fear and move past that.

Change = fear of the unknown. The "what if's" bog us down into inaction.

One little mind trick I play is when I change something - I begin to talk and think about it in the past tense. My husband wants a divorce? Well then, he's not longer my husband, he's the soon-to-be-ex.

A good exercise is to list your pros and cons along with fears. Often, it makes them less powerful when we get them out of our head and onto a piece of paper.

And give yourself some time to grieve the loss of your mother - a very significant life changing event in itself. I am sorry for your loss.

Hang in there - and know you are stronger than you feel today.

nodaybut2day

Tryingtosmile...Perhaps it would help you to look at your partner's ACTIONS instead of his words. Sure he says x,y,z (even throwing you the bone of marriage counselling) and tried to convince you to stay with his WORDS, but what has he DONE to show you that he is changing his action (or that he even feels he NEEDS to change)?

So far, I see cheating. Not much else.

Please don't beat yourself up for not leaving. You simply aren't ready yet and when you will be, you'll know.

In the meantime, how about drawing up a plan for yourself, listing such things as where you could live, what you'll need there, how much to budget, important things to take, things you can leave behind. I always find that writing a plan helps settle my mind.

*hugs* to you.

tryintosmile

He came home from work - apologized profusely and I've been so worn down over this that I didn't have the energy to fight. He 'told' me that nothing was happening and he had no intentions. That he loves me and wants it to work out. That he'll go for help to quit drinking, etc. Of course loser me just breathed a sigh of relief that I could relax for a minute.

Thanks for all of your support. I honestly don't have much other support than here. Sometimes it helps to get so angry that you DO start thinking of options. I had called my sister and she said I could come and stay in her basement but there are tiny windows and if there were a fire I'd be toast. That's not an excuse but a reality. My niece lived down there for a while and I really worried about her. Not safe. Nice offer, though. Then I checked out the rents in the city and they blew me away. I'd never be able to afford them and many won't take pets (I have an aging dog to worry about). The FACT is that it did get that ball rolling in my mind and I've never been SO close to walking away. Therefore I'm going to take the advice about getting my stuff together and organized and next time 'something' happens, I'll be much better prepared for it. I'm going to start right now by paying some things up and getting caught up with others. Then I'm going to start creating a 'mad money' fund for myself. Maybe every time he buys a bottle, I will put the equal amount in a separate account for myself (not that we can afford it - but just realizing how low our costs are by comparison to what they could be if we lived separately makes me think hmmm ...

I may not be strong enough to leave, but I'm starting to believe that I'm strong enough to entertain the idea ...thanks

fedup3

tryingtosmile, when I divorced my husband I had come to the point where it was more painful with the thought of staying with my XAH that leaving him. Picture for yourself the next 5 years like the past 5 years you've gone through. You'll know when you're finished and you'll get the strength that you don't even know you have that will get you to move forward.

m1k3

tryintosmile, I have been married to my AW for 36 years. I left 6 months ago. It actually turned out to be pretty simple. When the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving I was gone. I don't regret it at all.

Your friend,

jOSE2

Hello Tryintosmile,

I too have Fibromyalgia,so feel for you on that illness,(it was like the death and grief of my once full and active life),then all of the crazyness of living the same sort of life with an ExAH, my Ex had constanly chipped away at my self esteem,and it took me a while to realise and with the help of Al-anon and learning as much about alcoholism,that I needed to take care of myself,I had no conception a few years ago what that meant, I do now, listening to those wise people who many had been through the same things. I dont know if there is a connection to Fibro and living with an alcoholic,I just know for my self that as the disease of alcoholism progressed my illness and pain did too,so 15 months ago I decided that enough was enough and had to end this relationship,
I had no time to get me seen to while I was living that life,I do now,I go to my Dr and get proper medications and best of all I sleep much more peaceful.

I knew no one else could make up my mind to take care of myself,but just for me, I gave myself one more extra push to get him out of my life -I said to myself I'm taking my turn now,I deserve that
Sending you best wishes

nodaybut2day

Remember, those are just words. They mean less than the gross gum on the bottom of your shoe, all crudded up with dirt and hair (sorry, that sounded gross). Sure your default reaction is to feel reassured by those words; they embody the promises you hoped he would make LONG AGO...It doesn't make you a loser to feel relief.

If you flip this around, you can congratulate yourself for being wise enough to get the ball rolling on an exit strategy. It can take time to set up, and the plan itself may just sit there for a while, untouched, until you're ready to leap. But setting the wheels in motion is the best thing you can do right now. Just be careful about sharing your plans with him. The end of a relationship can bring about rather volatile changes....so please stay safe.