Brother of addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
Brother of addict
Hello all. I am new to this site but am looking for some help from recovering addicts as well as family of recovering addicts. I am 32 and married with an 8month old son from NJ. I have a 25 yo brother (who is the Godfather to my son) who has been struggling with an opiate addiction for some time now. Late last year it became aware to everyone just how serious his addiction was and we were able to get him in to detox in NJ and rehab in FL in April of this year. Once he got out things looked positive but he relapsed over the summer but made the switch from Oxyconton to sniffing then later shooting heroin. He has stolen a lot of money from all of the family and almost put my mother in to eviction. We were able to get him back in to detox in NJ and to rehab again out in FL. The 2nd time around he was brought to the airport by the detox employees and checked in for his flight. Once through the gate he waited and intentionally missed his flight, hopped on a train to Camden to score and get high eventually coming to terms with what he did and reaching out to be picked up and brought home. The next day he was on a plane to FL for rehab. He just recently got back a week ago and the lies have started again and we believe he is right back to doing the same thing. He lives with my mother and sister and has no job. I do not know what our next plan of action should be from here. I do know that I have lost 2 of my closest friends in just 5 yrs times to drugs (one OD and another car accident) and I always feel I could have done more to help both of them.
I know this post is long but I am just looking to get some direction on how to handle things with my brother. He admits his problems and clearly wants help but mentally he just does not seem to be strong enough to stay sober. I would also like some advice on how I shoul handle things with my son. My brother loves his newphew/godson and wants to be in his life but my wife and I are concerned about letting him be around my son because of his addiction. But at the same time I do not want to threaten him with not seeing him as I am concerned about putting him down a darker path.
I know this post is long but I am just looking to get some direction on how to handle things with my brother. He admits his problems and clearly wants help but mentally he just does not seem to be strong enough to stay sober. I would also like some advice on how I shoul handle things with my son. My brother loves his newphew/godson and wants to be in his life but my wife and I are concerned about letting him be around my son because of his addiction. But at the same time I do not want to threaten him with not seeing him as I am concerned about putting him down a darker path.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR, BRuvz. You will find a lot of support here. Please read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.
To be honest, it doesn't sounds like your brother is ready to quit that life, and until he is, there's nothing you can do for him. Talking to him, loving him, helping him out won't make him ready to get straight and live a sober life. That all has to come from within. He may say he wants help, but when help (rehab) is arranged, he ducks out and goes to get high. That isn't someone who truly wants to quit.
Again, welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. It will help you understand what addiction truly is and how if we could love our addicts well, none of us would be here and this place wouldn't exist.
To be honest, it doesn't sounds like your brother is ready to quit that life, and until he is, there's nothing you can do for him. Talking to him, loving him, helping him out won't make him ready to get straight and live a sober life. That all has to come from within. He may say he wants help, but when help (rehab) is arranged, he ducks out and goes to get high. That isn't someone who truly wants to quit.
Again, welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. It will help you understand what addiction truly is and how if we could love our addicts well, none of us would be here and this place wouldn't exist.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's 25, unemployed, prior history of stealing from friends and family to the point that mom was almost evicted and here he is back home with mom and sister.
Free room and board and knowledge that he can steal and family will not take legal action only serves to enable his addiction.
Do more by doing less.
Your brother's choices have put him down the darker path. Protect your child. Having a boundary "I will not expose my child to someone in active addiction" is reasonable and competent for any parent. It let's go of instead of controlling the outcome. Your brother is free to do as he pleases and he will.
Free room and board and knowledge that he can steal and family will not take legal action only serves to enable his addiction.
Do more by doing less.
Your brother's choices have put him down the darker path. Protect your child. Having a boundary "I will not expose my child to someone in active addiction" is reasonable and competent for any parent. It let's go of instead of controlling the outcome. Your brother is free to do as he pleases and he will.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Listen to the suggestions here...they come from a long line of experience. It is hard to let go...but that is what we must do.
Just like Anvil said...he picked up the drug and now he is the only one that can put it down. If you do it for him, it won't mean anything to him.
We can not control people, places, things, addictions...I am not my son's God.
It is the one disease where we have to turn our backs...not our hearts...lest we die too.
Just like Anvil said...he picked up the drug and now he is the only one that can put it down. If you do it for him, it won't mean anything to him.
We can not control people, places, things, addictions...I am not my son's God.
It is the one disease where we have to turn our backs...not our hearts...lest we die too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
I hear everything all of you are saying and agree that the tough love approach is where we need to go. My parents are having a difficult time with that concept. I am working on getting them to meetings where they can discuss their feelings and get information like I am doing here that will help them move forward. I guess I need to make the decision of letting him go until he gets clean and risk being alienated by my parents for doing so. I just really need them to see things this way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Understand you have no more control over your parents than you do your brother. Wanting to control the uncoltollable is a fundamental part of our codependent natures.
Maybe consider a leading them to water approach and expose them to someone/something that understands what they are going through right now.
It will be up to all of you to drink the water or remain a part of the never ending chaos.
Maybe consider a leading them to water approach and expose them to someone/something that understands what they are going through right now.
It will be up to all of you to drink the water or remain a part of the never ending chaos.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
BRuvz,
My sister ran my parents ragged, in and out of jail, in and out of the hospital, loss of job, car stolen due to her addiction. Nothing my parents did helped her, nothing I did helped her, she only got help when she was ready. My husband is an addict, and I spent hours poring over the internet trying to find him help. I would order literature, make suggestions on different programs, order books and guess what it was all in vain. I stopped doing that because he is a grown man who is actually more internet and computer savy than I am. When he is ready, he knows where the help is.
I could not convience my parents that my sister was on drugs. They refused to see it, they thought she was having a nervous breakdown. The best thing you can do for your parents is urge them to get involved with a nar-anon or al-anon group. It would help you too.
It is hard pill to swallow when you realize you cannot help. However, after you swallow it, accept it, you start feeling freedom. "When you lose control, you gain control".
My sister ran my parents ragged, in and out of jail, in and out of the hospital, loss of job, car stolen due to her addiction. Nothing my parents did helped her, nothing I did helped her, she only got help when she was ready. My husband is an addict, and I spent hours poring over the internet trying to find him help. I would order literature, make suggestions on different programs, order books and guess what it was all in vain. I stopped doing that because he is a grown man who is actually more internet and computer savy than I am. When he is ready, he knows where the help is.
I could not convience my parents that my sister was on drugs. They refused to see it, they thought she was having a nervous breakdown. The best thing you can do for your parents is urge them to get involved with a nar-anon or al-anon group. It would help you too.
It is hard pill to swallow when you realize you cannot help. However, after you swallow it, accept it, you start feeling freedom. "When you lose control, you gain control".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
I am working on finding some places in my area of NJ that I can bring my parents too. I have literally had screaming matches with my father over the possibity of letting go and the responses I get are "wait until your son gets older and see if that decision is so easy" and "you are the most negative F-in person". I know we need help just as much as my brother does and I need to get my parents to these meetings. They have seemed responsive to it all but I am afraid it may not get through to them.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Bruvz,
Welcome to SR!
Just remember to take care of yourself as well. You can find meetings and take your parents a couple times, but then the desire or commitment to continue is up to them. You can go to the meetings for yourself and to learn ways you can set boundaries in your own life - that's important.
Whatever happens, you do not need to take a front row seat to your brother AND parents insanity.
Good luck, keep posting.
Welcome to SR!
Just remember to take care of yourself as well. You can find meetings and take your parents a couple times, but then the desire or commitment to continue is up to them. You can go to the meetings for yourself and to learn ways you can set boundaries in your own life - that's important.
Whatever happens, you do not need to take a front row seat to your brother AND parents insanity.
Good luck, keep posting.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sometimes we codies just need to let go, and let the chips fall where they may. Your parents are in denial, they have made the decision to enable your brother. That does not mean that you have to follow in their footsteps.
Until he makes the decision to embrace recovery, and attend meetings, nothing will change. You cannot micro manage his life, you cannot force recovery on anyone.
He will be an addict for life, this is a disease that has no cure, and only a very % of people actually stay clean for life.
You have a life, you have a family, why not dedicate your energy to them and let your
parents deal with their issues? They are adults, just as your brother is, they are entitled
to make their own decisions, good or bad, it is up to them.
Your enabling either your parents or your brother resolves nothing, they both are sick, and unwilling to seek recovery.
Are you going to meetings? If not, I would suggest that consider doing so. Read all the
stickies at the top of this forum, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Until he makes the decision to embrace recovery, and attend meetings, nothing will change. You cannot micro manage his life, you cannot force recovery on anyone.
He will be an addict for life, this is a disease that has no cure, and only a very % of people actually stay clean for life.
You have a life, you have a family, why not dedicate your energy to them and let your
parents deal with their issues? They are adults, just as your brother is, they are entitled
to make their own decisions, good or bad, it is up to them.
Your enabling either your parents or your brother resolves nothing, they both are sick, and unwilling to seek recovery.
Are you going to meetings? If not, I would suggest that consider doing so. Read all the
stickies at the top of this forum, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
i feel for you so much, because I have a situation not unlike yours. my sister has been a heroin addict for a decade. she has been in recovery (with imperfections) for 9 months. my mom enabled her every day until she left for detox. my mom tried to "get her help" dozens of times, but of course until she was ready it made absolutely no difference. unlike justlizzyd, my mom knew my sister was an addict, but her fear of my sister dying or abandoning my mom kept her enabling my sister no matter how bad it got. i honestly thought it was going to kill my mom -- my sister's endless lying, trips to jail, stealing, crashing cars (I can't even count how many, with my mom just getting her new ones!). two of my sister's friends died of ODs in my mom's house and she still continued letting my sister live there and use.
i tried to force my mother to get help -- go to nar-anon, reading the lit, etc. i tried to force her to stop enabling my sister -- begging her to stop bailing her out of jail, hiring fancy lawyers, buying her new cars, letting her live there, etc. my mom thought i am an insensitive b*tch who didn't care if my sister lived or died. and it hurt me very much knowing that is what she thought. i finally had to face that i had just as little power over my mom as i did my sister. i had no power over her actions, and i had no power over what she thought of me. honestly, it was much much much harder for me to accept that regarding my mom than it was my sister.
i never knew what my sister would think/feel about me if she ever got clean. honestly, i had stopped imagining anything about even the possibility she could ever be clean. surprisingly, my sister thanked me for trying to help my mom. she has said she alway knew we both loved her, but that i just understood her addiction which is why i did the things i did. my sister, since in recovery, is now the one begging my mom to go to nar-anon. my mom continues to make excuses not to go. she got my mom the number of a friend's mother who is very involved in coda. my mom still has not called the woman. she has told my mom that if she ever starts using again that my mom should not give her money, bail her out of jail, or let her come home; and tells her she worries my mom will never follow through with that and it upsets her. my mom still has not gotten help
wow, this got long! all this to say what others have said -- find a meeting, set boundaries, and stay strong. DO NOT expose your child to someone who is using. i stopped letting my sister watch my dog. those we love (animal or child!) should not be exposed to people who are using. i couldn't fix my sister, but i could protect my dog from her!
my mom still does not understand the things i have done, but ironically my sister does and thanks me for it. do your best with your parents to help them find the help you are seeking, but keep in mind that you have no power over their actions either. if they refuse what you offer, the best you can do is work the program you wish he AND they would work!
glad you're here and best wishes!
i tried to force my mother to get help -- go to nar-anon, reading the lit, etc. i tried to force her to stop enabling my sister -- begging her to stop bailing her out of jail, hiring fancy lawyers, buying her new cars, letting her live there, etc. my mom thought i am an insensitive b*tch who didn't care if my sister lived or died. and it hurt me very much knowing that is what she thought. i finally had to face that i had just as little power over my mom as i did my sister. i had no power over her actions, and i had no power over what she thought of me. honestly, it was much much much harder for me to accept that regarding my mom than it was my sister.
i never knew what my sister would think/feel about me if she ever got clean. honestly, i had stopped imagining anything about even the possibility she could ever be clean. surprisingly, my sister thanked me for trying to help my mom. she has said she alway knew we both loved her, but that i just understood her addiction which is why i did the things i did. my sister, since in recovery, is now the one begging my mom to go to nar-anon. my mom continues to make excuses not to go. she got my mom the number of a friend's mother who is very involved in coda. my mom still has not called the woman. she has told my mom that if she ever starts using again that my mom should not give her money, bail her out of jail, or let her come home; and tells her she worries my mom will never follow through with that and it upsets her. my mom still has not gotten help
wow, this got long! all this to say what others have said -- find a meeting, set boundaries, and stay strong. DO NOT expose your child to someone who is using. i stopped letting my sister watch my dog. those we love (animal or child!) should not be exposed to people who are using. i couldn't fix my sister, but i could protect my dog from her!
my mom still does not understand the things i have done, but ironically my sister does and thanks me for it. do your best with your parents to help them find the help you are seeking, but keep in mind that you have no power over their actions either. if they refuse what you offer, the best you can do is work the program you wish he AND they would work!
glad you're here and best wishes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
I really appreciate everyones insight with this. It has really helped to better understand things and where to go from here. My sister in law is going through a similar situation with her husband and she has been doing meetings to help her cope and move on and she finally made the decision that she can no longer be married to this man as long as he continues to use and put her and their daughter in jeopardy due to his stealing and abusive behavior. My wife and I are going to attend some meetings with her and so far I have gotten my sister and parents on board as well. Let's hope they will be more responsive to what they learn in the meetings than the conversations they have with me. "Useyourwords" you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your mothers fear of your sister dying and continuing the enabling process because of that. My parents look at it the same way. I am really hoping that the meetings help them because I obviously can not say anything to make them do something different. The best I can do is get them to the first meeting and the rest is on them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
Good for you for getting support and getting your parents to at least go to some meetings. I have always felt that as children (no matter our age) we are not the best ones to give advice to our parents! Once they have met some other parents who have had similar experiences they may be more receptive to thinking outside of the enabling box 
Your whole family is in my thoughts. Best wishes and let us know how things progress. As someone who has struggled with my own relationship with my mother on this issue, I am very interested to hear how your parents respond after some time and meetings.
Your whole family is in my thoughts. Best wishes and let us know how things progress. As someone who has struggled with my own relationship with my mother on this issue, I am very interested to hear how your parents respond after some time and meetings.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by BRuvz 
I am working on finding some places in my area of NJ that I can bring my parents too. I have literally had screaming matches with my father over the possibity of letting go and the responses I get are "wait until your son gets older and see if that decision is so easy" and "you are the most negative F-in person". I know we need help just as much as my brother does and I need to get my parents to these meetings. They have seemed responsive to it all but I am afraid it may not get through to them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
Well I wish I could say things are moving forward in a positive way however I am finding it difficult to get my parents to commit to these meetings. I find them constantly enabling my brother with vehicles so that he can go to meetings. I did finally convince my father today to stop giving him the truck and to jus take him to the meetings himself and stay outside until he finishes up. At this point I do not know who is more lost my parents or my brother. I have done what I feel is right for me, my wife, and son and that is denying him anytime he asks for money and to borrow my car. It pains me to do this because my brother used to be my best friend but I know I have no choice.
One question I do have for everyone is, Do I stop just hanging with him? We have season tix to the Giants and although I am not a Giants fan he has asked me to go to games with him. I am not sure if I should just say no until I feel he is making an effort to get better or if I should go with the hopes that family interaction will help guide him. Would love to hear your thoughts on that.
One question I do have for everyone is, Do I stop just hanging with him? We have season tix to the Giants and although I am not a Giants fan he has asked me to go to games with him. I am not sure if I should just say no until I feel he is making an effort to get better or if I should go with the hopes that family interaction will help guide him. Would love to hear your thoughts on that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Wow
My situation is quite similar, except I've already decided that if he is still using by the time I have a kid he wont be welcome anywhere around my kid.
My mother and I have been in heated debate lately and the bad news is, its not even worth it. You arent going to change their minds and they arent going to change yours. Right now I'm in a situation of having to back away from my mom and dad the same way I backed away from my addict brother. They're addicted to him just like hes addicted to opiates. He doesnt want help, they dont want help. So what choice do I have.
Just wait till your parents say things like "so now you're going to split the family up and let his addiction continue to separate us??" as if WE were the ones making the choice to use. Fun times. Not.
The arrangement I have with my parents is that I will come see them, but alot less frequently and if my brother is in their house, Im not coming. If he shows up when im there, I leave. period. this includes thanksgiving, christmas, etc. and we are a very TIGHT family so this is hard on everyone. But i do it for my own sanity and so that im not a huge emotional burden on my wife when i come home all depressed over my stupid brother.
Sorry you're in a similar boat. It sucks :\
My situation is quite similar, except I've already decided that if he is still using by the time I have a kid he wont be welcome anywhere around my kid.
My mother and I have been in heated debate lately and the bad news is, its not even worth it. You arent going to change their minds and they arent going to change yours. Right now I'm in a situation of having to back away from my mom and dad the same way I backed away from my addict brother. They're addicted to him just like hes addicted to opiates. He doesnt want help, they dont want help. So what choice do I have.
Just wait till your parents say things like "so now you're going to split the family up and let his addiction continue to separate us??" as if WE were the ones making the choice to use. Fun times. Not.
The arrangement I have with my parents is that I will come see them, but alot less frequently and if my brother is in their house, Im not coming. If he shows up when im there, I leave. period. this includes thanksgiving, christmas, etc. and we are a very TIGHT family so this is hard on everyone. But i do it for my own sanity and so that im not a huge emotional burden on my wife when i come home all depressed over my stupid brother.
Sorry you're in a similar boat. It sucks :\
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Brunswick, NJ
Posts: 15
cc88 - first i want to say beautiful dog. boxer right? I have one myself. great dogs and really good friends when you need them. Thnx for your post. Sounds very similar to whats going on in my world although I dont think I am as far along with my parents as you are with yours but i feel that i am close. before my brother came out and told everyone about his addiction and that he wanted help he had the whole family turned against me like i was over exaggerating and blowing it all out of proportion. I didnt talk to most of them for almost 6 months and I still never got an apology from any of them. but I am done waiting for people to wake up. Im wide awake and know what I need to do. i have moved passed the sympathy stage and in to the anger stage. Anger because of the continuous lies. i love my brother and wish him the best but am done holding his hand. when he decides to get a job and straighten his life out then maybe he and i can have a relationship again but until that happens....................he will not have my kind words and sympathy. i wont be played for a fool any longer. wow, that definitely feels good to be able to say that and have the confidence that i will stand firm on my decision. first time i think i really believed what i was saying.
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