lies lies lies
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
lies lies lies
We had the kind of relationship that you cant stay away from each other. We worked together, played together, and spent every free moment together. I think we may have spent 6 days apart in the time we were together. Last christmas he pulled my family outside to show the ring he bought me, that he wanted to spend his life with me.
In November of last year, his mother asked me why we were not living together. After all, we were together every day, we were both paying so much money on our own apartments, and we were entertaining the idea of marriage. I had this to say...
1.) I am about to be 30. I have never lived in a 1 bedroom apartment by myself. I had roomates or lived in a studio for many years (since I was 18), but I wanted to live in a 1 bedroom by myself.
2.) I needed to make sure that the person I was going to marry or at the very least, live with was financially responsible. That they could pay their own bills, rent, insurance, car payment, etc. etc. on their own. I had worked very had to get what I have, and didnt want someone esle to take that from me.
3.) Both ex and I had lived with a bf/gf before we were ready, and the relationship failed, I didnt want to do that again. We were in our first year and it just seemed too soon.
4.) I waited 6 months for this "perfect for ME" apartment, and i just want to enjoy it, before I got married and shared everything... (selfish ?)
I hate to say this, but, a month later, he came to me and told me, "my lease is up, and the rent is being raised, I cant afford it, I am looking for rooms... I HAVE A WEEK !" WTF !?!? Who doesnt know their lease is about to be up, or that they are raising your rent.... Your gonna tell me they gave you a weeks notice ???? UGH... I felt bad, and because we were together every day, I figured, o.k. you can stay with me, and we will find you another apartment in time. I was his girlfriend who was contimplating marriage, Im not gonna tell him to go figure it out on your own... It worked out for about a week, maybe two... I was irratated, and felt cramped.
Then the $#!^ show began. He lost his job. Then he got arrested for not finishing 2nd d.u.i. classes or paying the fine. His mom bailed him out of jail, and held a family meeting. Saying i needed to be there, because if he was living with me, I needed to know what was goning on, and he wouldnt be able to tell her one thing and come home to tell me something different. In this meeting I learned alot.
1.) he had been evicted from his apartment for not paying rent
2.) he did not have a drivers lisence, nor did he have insurance on his car
3.) 2000.00 registration past due... (I would say 1700. of that was unpaid parking tickets
4.) I ASKED HIS MOTHER IF HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH LYING... SHE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES AND SAID "YES, BUT HE WOULD NEVER LIE TO HURT YOU"
I went home that night, with him, and made him sleep on the couch. I didnt know what to do. What did I get myself into this time. I tried to tell myself, Ive been broke, neglected bills, was in debt, pulled myself out, and i am in a really good place. You cant turn your back on him, you love him, you can show him how to get organized and pay bills on time, ITS NOT THAT BAD...
Oh boy...
Two weeks later rent was due, and we were on out way to the bank. He had "lost" his a.t.m. card about a month or 2 before and i kept asking why he never got a replacement card, the answer was always something like, maybe it got sent to his moms house or got lost in the mail, he had called multiple times but they just havent sent it yet. Normally I would have let him go to the bank himself, but this time a little voice told me to go inside with him. While cashing a check, I asked his teller about the a.t.m. card, saying it had been a really long time and it didnt make any sence why nothing had come about yet... Why oh why did she call the branch manager over to seat us at his desk, to show us that, the reason for no a.t.m. card was because there wasnt any money left ? No savings, no checking, and negitive balance on other accounts... Again he lied.
I was furious. Told him to pack a bag and that I was dropping him off at his mothers. How could he lie about this ? He was living with me, we were supposed to be a team, what were we gonna do about rent....
After getting home from dropping him off at his moms, the rent was sitting on the coffee table... I felt terrible, he has no money, but yet he used the last of it to pay rent... I was so confused. That feeling didnt last long, I went to home depot that night and changed the locks... Something just wasnt right, and something kept telling me to change the locks... I didnt pay the rent with that money, I held on to it for quite some time, until I spoke to the person that had fired him from his last job, a personal friend of mine, who told me my ex had borrowed the money from them, and still unpaid back to them.
He cried like an uncontrollable child for weeks. How could you do this to me, please dont leave me, im sorry, i will change, till one day the monster was born... drunkin phone calls at all hours of the night, showing up unannounced multiple times very drunk, sometimes happy go lucky sometimes screaming and foaming at the mouth and breaking furniture or putting holes in walls, verbally abusive yelling till early hours of the morning, dissapearing for weeks and then showing up at my door at 4 in the morning, the other women that he denied until one of them came into my work and told me "i slept with him, but, things got wierd, and he loves you so much, I just couldnt do it anymore". It continues for months and as it continues it gets worse, and I become a mess. He tells me how in love with me he is and I am everything to him but he is scared I will abandon him if we get back together, and he is doing everything in his power to "get better" I need you, please dont give up on me, he would say... I wanted so badly to believe him... maybe this is just some crazy phase ??? There are more horific episodes, too many to mention, and frankly, I AM EMBARRASED, to name them all. This has been going on for 8 months.
He made grand efforts to change, in those eight months. He lived with his parents about 6 months, payed his debts, and fines, finished his classes, got his license back, had a great job, and moved to a condo with a friend. Sometimes he would help me with my bills, however not once did he offer to fix the whole in the wall that in one of his drunkin rages he put his head and then fist thru...
The last time I saw him was Aug 15th. He was out of his mind. Up at 5 in the morning trying to open a bag of coke, thats how messed up he was, he couldnt even open the bag... I asked him to just lay down, its 5 in the morning, party is over... He told me even if he did coke right now, he would still be asleep before me...
I begged him to think about what he was doing, tried to remind him of all the people we made fun of for being druggies, told him I was worried, that this behavior wasnt normal, something bad was gonna happen...
A week later my youngest sister died. I asked if he would come over and just sit with me. I just needed him to hold my hand. I just wanted the person I loved more than anything to comfort me and be there for me. The response I got was that, it was too late he had to be up early in the morning, he had a knee brace on, and couldnt drive... I left the next day and was out of state for 2 weeks.
Upon my return, I come to find out that, he is in a rehab, for drugs and alcohol. I wasnt shocked, I was overjoyed. I thought, ok we can get back to normal now. He is getting help, and thank god he isnt using anymore...
I recieved a phone call about a month ago, from my "friend", who very briefly said she and he were now going to be together. That they had been talking the whole time he has been in rehab and they are in love. I want to crawl under a rock and die. I have spent the last 3 months having breakfast with this girl once, sometimes twice a week, going shopping, having out at night going out together and with mutual girlfriends. I spoke to him, he said " I hope you find what her and I have, she is the one person I have never lied to, I need you to not interfear with my sobriety or my relationship" and other things I can not remember right now because at the time of the conversation, i was feeling 3 million different emotions.
How can he be in love with her ? How can he act like I was nothing ? How can he be in a relationship with anyone right now ? Why if I was begging him to get sober, he goes to rehab and chooses to be with someone that uses and drinks ? How can they talk about their new life together and how excited they are ? and all the while he forgot about me... WTF HAPPENED ?
In November of last year, his mother asked me why we were not living together. After all, we were together every day, we were both paying so much money on our own apartments, and we were entertaining the idea of marriage. I had this to say...
1.) I am about to be 30. I have never lived in a 1 bedroom apartment by myself. I had roomates or lived in a studio for many years (since I was 18), but I wanted to live in a 1 bedroom by myself.
2.) I needed to make sure that the person I was going to marry or at the very least, live with was financially responsible. That they could pay their own bills, rent, insurance, car payment, etc. etc. on their own. I had worked very had to get what I have, and didnt want someone esle to take that from me.
3.) Both ex and I had lived with a bf/gf before we were ready, and the relationship failed, I didnt want to do that again. We were in our first year and it just seemed too soon.
4.) I waited 6 months for this "perfect for ME" apartment, and i just want to enjoy it, before I got married and shared everything... (selfish ?)
I hate to say this, but, a month later, he came to me and told me, "my lease is up, and the rent is being raised, I cant afford it, I am looking for rooms... I HAVE A WEEK !" WTF !?!? Who doesnt know their lease is about to be up, or that they are raising your rent.... Your gonna tell me they gave you a weeks notice ???? UGH... I felt bad, and because we were together every day, I figured, o.k. you can stay with me, and we will find you another apartment in time. I was his girlfriend who was contimplating marriage, Im not gonna tell him to go figure it out on your own... It worked out for about a week, maybe two... I was irratated, and felt cramped.
Then the $#!^ show began. He lost his job. Then he got arrested for not finishing 2nd d.u.i. classes or paying the fine. His mom bailed him out of jail, and held a family meeting. Saying i needed to be there, because if he was living with me, I needed to know what was goning on, and he wouldnt be able to tell her one thing and come home to tell me something different. In this meeting I learned alot.
1.) he had been evicted from his apartment for not paying rent
2.) he did not have a drivers lisence, nor did he have insurance on his car
3.) 2000.00 registration past due... (I would say 1700. of that was unpaid parking tickets
4.) I ASKED HIS MOTHER IF HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH LYING... SHE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES AND SAID "YES, BUT HE WOULD NEVER LIE TO HURT YOU"
I went home that night, with him, and made him sleep on the couch. I didnt know what to do. What did I get myself into this time. I tried to tell myself, Ive been broke, neglected bills, was in debt, pulled myself out, and i am in a really good place. You cant turn your back on him, you love him, you can show him how to get organized and pay bills on time, ITS NOT THAT BAD...
Oh boy...
Two weeks later rent was due, and we were on out way to the bank. He had "lost" his a.t.m. card about a month or 2 before and i kept asking why he never got a replacement card, the answer was always something like, maybe it got sent to his moms house or got lost in the mail, he had called multiple times but they just havent sent it yet. Normally I would have let him go to the bank himself, but this time a little voice told me to go inside with him. While cashing a check, I asked his teller about the a.t.m. card, saying it had been a really long time and it didnt make any sence why nothing had come about yet... Why oh why did she call the branch manager over to seat us at his desk, to show us that, the reason for no a.t.m. card was because there wasnt any money left ? No savings, no checking, and negitive balance on other accounts... Again he lied.
I was furious. Told him to pack a bag and that I was dropping him off at his mothers. How could he lie about this ? He was living with me, we were supposed to be a team, what were we gonna do about rent....
After getting home from dropping him off at his moms, the rent was sitting on the coffee table... I felt terrible, he has no money, but yet he used the last of it to pay rent... I was so confused. That feeling didnt last long, I went to home depot that night and changed the locks... Something just wasnt right, and something kept telling me to change the locks... I didnt pay the rent with that money, I held on to it for quite some time, until I spoke to the person that had fired him from his last job, a personal friend of mine, who told me my ex had borrowed the money from them, and still unpaid back to them.
He cried like an uncontrollable child for weeks. How could you do this to me, please dont leave me, im sorry, i will change, till one day the monster was born... drunkin phone calls at all hours of the night, showing up unannounced multiple times very drunk, sometimes happy go lucky sometimes screaming and foaming at the mouth and breaking furniture or putting holes in walls, verbally abusive yelling till early hours of the morning, dissapearing for weeks and then showing up at my door at 4 in the morning, the other women that he denied until one of them came into my work and told me "i slept with him, but, things got wierd, and he loves you so much, I just couldnt do it anymore". It continues for months and as it continues it gets worse, and I become a mess. He tells me how in love with me he is and I am everything to him but he is scared I will abandon him if we get back together, and he is doing everything in his power to "get better" I need you, please dont give up on me, he would say... I wanted so badly to believe him... maybe this is just some crazy phase ??? There are more horific episodes, too many to mention, and frankly, I AM EMBARRASED, to name them all. This has been going on for 8 months.
He made grand efforts to change, in those eight months. He lived with his parents about 6 months, payed his debts, and fines, finished his classes, got his license back, had a great job, and moved to a condo with a friend. Sometimes he would help me with my bills, however not once did he offer to fix the whole in the wall that in one of his drunkin rages he put his head and then fist thru...
The last time I saw him was Aug 15th. He was out of his mind. Up at 5 in the morning trying to open a bag of coke, thats how messed up he was, he couldnt even open the bag... I asked him to just lay down, its 5 in the morning, party is over... He told me even if he did coke right now, he would still be asleep before me...
I begged him to think about what he was doing, tried to remind him of all the people we made fun of for being druggies, told him I was worried, that this behavior wasnt normal, something bad was gonna happen...A week later my youngest sister died. I asked if he would come over and just sit with me. I just needed him to hold my hand. I just wanted the person I loved more than anything to comfort me and be there for me. The response I got was that, it was too late he had to be up early in the morning, he had a knee brace on, and couldnt drive... I left the next day and was out of state for 2 weeks.
Upon my return, I come to find out that, he is in a rehab, for drugs and alcohol. I wasnt shocked, I was overjoyed. I thought, ok we can get back to normal now. He is getting help, and thank god he isnt using anymore...
I recieved a phone call about a month ago, from my "friend", who very briefly said she and he were now going to be together. That they had been talking the whole time he has been in rehab and they are in love. I want to crawl under a rock and die. I have spent the last 3 months having breakfast with this girl once, sometimes twice a week, going shopping, having out at night going out together and with mutual girlfriends. I spoke to him, he said " I hope you find what her and I have, she is the one person I have never lied to, I need you to not interfear with my sobriety or my relationship" and other things I can not remember right now because at the time of the conversation, i was feeling 3 million different emotions.
How can he be in love with her ? How can he act like I was nothing ? How can he be in a relationship with anyone right now ? Why if I was begging him to get sober, he goes to rehab and chooses to be with someone that uses and drinks ? How can they talk about their new life together and how excited they are ? and all the while he forgot about me... WTF HAPPENED ?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He will do the same things to her, he is an addict and a abuser. He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is using or not. Life with him will continue to be a rollercoaster ride, one that you do not need to hop back onto.
This man has nothing to offer you, be happy that he has moved on. Read all the stickies
at the top of this forum and those on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, it will help.
I am sorry that you are hurting, however, he did you a favor.
Keep posting and reading others posts, it will help.
This man has nothing to offer you, be happy that he has moved on. Read all the stickies
at the top of this forum and those on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, it will help.
I am sorry that you are hurting, however, he did you a favor.
Keep posting and reading others posts, it will help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wow, Lotus, that was quite an insightful post and I can feel the conflict between what you see as clearly wrong and yet wanting to be with him.
The thing is, when we make anyone our "everything", we risk losing ourselves in the process. You started out wanting to be independent and free, maybe it's time to give that another shot, this time a little wiser for the lessons learned along the way.
He will move on to whoever will enable him most, even sober their behaviour doesn't change until they make a conscious effort to take responsibility for their lives. Trust me when I say, he's no loss.
Now may be a good time to work on your own recovery and figure out what it was that let you (like most of us) allow yourself to be manipulated and broken.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you find comfort and peace here.
Hugs
The thing is, when we make anyone our "everything", we risk losing ourselves in the process. You started out wanting to be independent and free, maybe it's time to give that another shot, this time a little wiser for the lessons learned along the way.
He will move on to whoever will enable him most, even sober their behaviour doesn't change until they make a conscious effort to take responsibility for their lives. Trust me when I say, he's no loss.
Now may be a good time to work on your own recovery and figure out what it was that let you (like most of us) allow yourself to be manipulated and broken.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you find comfort and peace here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Ohhhhhhh, Lotus...I'm sending you a big hug.
I know your pain. What I've found for me is that now I'm WISHING that exH would find a girlfriend. I've learned that when he has a girlfriend he leaves me alone, at least for a little while. He's looking for another "host" because I won't be that for him and so lately he's feeding on his anger and blame directed toward me: hauling me into court, manipulating the children, etc.
I have learned that when things fall apart for an addict they come back. I'd suggest that you make sure you change the locks again if there's any chance that he could have a key (or have made himself one). The only thing that has worked for me is to have NO contact. I have done this with my exA (a relationship after my marriage ended), though I have to have some contact with my exH because of the children.
I'm recently in a new relationship with a healthy person who works on his own "issues" and doesn't look to me to define him or "support" him in any way (except healthy ways...not financial, not manipulative, etc). It has been a hell of journey to get here and I wouldn't trade it for the world because I'm HAPPY with ME. And that came about after I spent a year and a half focussing on myself, attending 3-5 Alanon meetings a week, going to therapy and building a community "family" of support. I found out I could get what I wanted and needed from a functional recovery family.
I love me. And now that I love me, I find myself increasingly incapable of engaging in drama, chaos or relationships where I'm exploited on any level.
You are not alone...keep coming back, and welcome to the SR family.
Hugs,
posie
I know your pain. What I've found for me is that now I'm WISHING that exH would find a girlfriend. I've learned that when he has a girlfriend he leaves me alone, at least for a little while. He's looking for another "host" because I won't be that for him and so lately he's feeding on his anger and blame directed toward me: hauling me into court, manipulating the children, etc.
I have learned that when things fall apart for an addict they come back. I'd suggest that you make sure you change the locks again if there's any chance that he could have a key (or have made himself one). The only thing that has worked for me is to have NO contact. I have done this with my exA (a relationship after my marriage ended), though I have to have some contact with my exH because of the children.
I'm recently in a new relationship with a healthy person who works on his own "issues" and doesn't look to me to define him or "support" him in any way (except healthy ways...not financial, not manipulative, etc). It has been a hell of journey to get here and I wouldn't trade it for the world because I'm HAPPY with ME. And that came about after I spent a year and a half focussing on myself, attending 3-5 Alanon meetings a week, going to therapy and building a community "family" of support. I found out I could get what I wanted and needed from a functional recovery family.
I love me. And now that I love me, I find myself increasingly incapable of engaging in drama, chaos or relationships where I'm exploited on any level.
You are not alone...keep coming back, and welcome to the SR family.
Hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Why does he lie?
Because that is what alcoholics do.
The person you believed was your soul mate was playing a part for your benefit but his real allegience is to alcohol.
You cannot control that or change that reality.
I strongly suggest you take care of you and attend some al-anon meetings or find a counselor who is familiar with addiction and co-dependent relationships.
Your situation sounds VERY much like mine and I am now very happy and understand myself and why I subconsciously seek out individuals like your A! Understanding ourselves is the key to being able to help others including A's such as your ex.
My A (who is a mirror image of your A) is now very sober and in REAL RECOVERY for the past 3 months.
I did not talk to him while he was relapsed (established a no alcohol boundary for myself) and he had a deep dark night journey of the soul and put down the alcohol himself and has been in serious recovery ever since.
That being said... I did not jump back into our lives together and I have my home and my space and he has his... in fact I helped him move 100 miles away! We see eachother but if he drinks he becomes Mr. Hot Potato and I will exit stage right (or left).
Time is your friend and so is this time in your life. Turn this around and seek the wisdom, strength and knowledge about yourself and relationships. It will help you help yourself (the most important part) and perhaps be a light to him at some point.
He isn't changing ... so change yourself and you WILL become a better, happier person!
Hang in there and find an alanon group you like! Keep posting. Read stickies!
Because that is what alcoholics do.
The person you believed was your soul mate was playing a part for your benefit but his real allegience is to alcohol.
You cannot control that or change that reality.
I strongly suggest you take care of you and attend some al-anon meetings or find a counselor who is familiar with addiction and co-dependent relationships.
Your situation sounds VERY much like mine and I am now very happy and understand myself and why I subconsciously seek out individuals like your A! Understanding ourselves is the key to being able to help others including A's such as your ex.
My A (who is a mirror image of your A) is now very sober and in REAL RECOVERY for the past 3 months.
I did not talk to him while he was relapsed (established a no alcohol boundary for myself) and he had a deep dark night journey of the soul and put down the alcohol himself and has been in serious recovery ever since.
That being said... I did not jump back into our lives together and I have my home and my space and he has his... in fact I helped him move 100 miles away! We see eachother but if he drinks he becomes Mr. Hot Potato and I will exit stage right (or left).
Time is your friend and so is this time in your life. Turn this around and seek the wisdom, strength and knowledge about yourself and relationships. It will help you help yourself (the most important part) and perhaps be a light to him at some point.
He isn't changing ... so change yourself and you WILL become a better, happier person!
Hang in there and find an alanon group you like! Keep posting. Read stickies!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Looking4Lotus, welcome to SR!
Just for a little different way of looking at this.
Reread you original post as if your best friend was telling you this.
1. He's an alcoholic.
2. He lies to me.
3. He has had DUI's and may kill someone while driving.
4. He has been evicted for failure to pay rent.
5. He has borrowed my from friends and doesn't pay it back.
6. He can't be there when she needs him during a personal crisis.
7. He is in a relationship with one of her best friends and the call comes from her, not him. He doesn't even have the cojones to tell her himself.
Based on my experience of a long marriage with an alcoholic I would say RUN AWAY!!!!
Your friend,
Just for a little different way of looking at this.
Reread you original post as if your best friend was telling you this.
1. He's an alcoholic.
2. He lies to me.
3. He has had DUI's and may kill someone while driving.
4. He has been evicted for failure to pay rent.
5. He has borrowed my from friends and doesn't pay it back.
6. He can't be there when she needs him during a personal crisis.
7. He is in a relationship with one of her best friends and the call comes from her, not him. He doesn't even have the cojones to tell her himself.
Based on my experience of a long marriage with an alcoholic I would say RUN AWAY!!!!
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 24
I so feel your pain you think if i let go will he come back if i stay that way i know i there ...an thts enough wrong if i let him go an he comes back i ment something if not hes not for you as much as you love him dont get me wrong i adore the ground he walks on ....but how will i know if i dont let go !
as one door closes many opens only you hold your future in your hands xx
He can never replace you ... so theres nothing she has that you didnt have shes not you ! xxxx all my hugs :ghug3
as one door closes many opens only you hold your future in your hands xx
He can never replace you ... so theres nothing she has that you didnt have shes not you ! xxxx all my hugs :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 24
Looking 4 lotus
Originally Posted by MissWhyMe 
I so feel your pain you think if i let go will he come back if i stay that way i know i there ...an thts enough wrong if i let him go an he comes back i ment something if not hes not for you as much as you love him dont get me wrong i adore the ground he walks on ....but how will i know if i dont let go !
as one door closes many opens only you hold your future in your hands xx
He can never replace you ... so theres nothing she has that you didnt have shes not you ! xxxx all my hugs your not alone . :ghug3
as one door closes many opens only you hold your future in your hands xx
He can never replace you ... so theres nothing she has that you didnt have shes not you ! xxxx all my hugs your not alone . :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by m1k3
Looking4Lotus, welcome to SR!
Just for a little different way of looking at this.
Reread you original post as if your best friend was telling you this.
1. He's an alcoholic.
2. He lies to me.
3. He has had DUI's and may kill someone while driving.
4. He has been evicted for failure to pay rent.
5. He has borrowed my from friends and doesn't pay it back.
6. He can't be there when she needs him during a personal crisis.
7. He is in a relationship with one of her best friends and the call comes from her, not him. He doesn't even have the cojones to tell her himself.
Based on my experience of a long marriage with an alcoholic I would say RUN AWAY!!!!
Just for a little different way of looking at this.
Reread you original post as if your best friend was telling you this.
1. He's an alcoholic.
2. He lies to me.
3. He has had DUI's and may kill someone while driving.
4. He has been evicted for failure to pay rent.
5. He has borrowed my from friends and doesn't pay it back.
6. He can't be there when she needs him during a personal crisis.
7. He is in a relationship with one of her best friends and the call comes from her, not him. He doesn't even have the cojones to tell her himself.
Based on my experience of a long marriage with an alcoholic I would say RUN AWAY!!!!
If this was meant to be - it wouldn't have been so damn hard. Let the other girl have him...go find someone who will hold your hand when you need him, no questions asked.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I understand how crazymaking it is when you think he is getting better and chose her instead of you and what's wrong with you . . . but I think that is a quagmire, and ultimately a dead end . . .your ego has been wounded and it SEEMS like he has won and you have lost . . .but in the greater scheme of things, these two deserve each other and you are lucky to have "gotten away" scot free . . .
I would recommend therapy for you because I think you need some support and some assistance to reframe what has happened to you . . .
I would recommend therapy for you because I think you need some support and some assistance to reframe what has happened to you . . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Here's what happenned...
- You ignored the signs.
- You thought you could fix him.
- You ignored more signs.
- You dated an alcoholic addict who is and was acting like an alcoholic addict.
Been there done that.
The good news is that you did a lot of things right including keeping your own place and changing the locks.
There are two things I'd like you to consider right away. The first is to go no-contact with him. You cut him off now, you don't give in to "needing to know" any damn thing about him, you don't communicate with him, your family, or your ex-friend who is replacing you as his enabler, and you move on with your life.
The second thing, but equally or more important, is that you go to Alanon, at least six meetings before deciding if it is for you. There you will learn how you got into this relationship to begin with, how to not do it again, and how to be a happier person regardless of your relationship status.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU !
I am in tears right now, not that its rare for me to be in tears latley, but once again I find myself sitting here sobbing. This relationship took so much out of me, emotionally, physically, mentally... I do not know how to rebuild for myself and fill my own cup. I let it consume me, and I know I obsess over it, and him way too much. I blame myself all the time, like I should have been a better girlfriend, if I hadnt kicked him out of the house he never would have turned into a raging addict, I didnt support him like I should have and she saw how amazing he was to me before the trouble began, and was just waiting to step in... And, yes, I actually believe alot of this stuff.
Ugh... People keep telling me, its not my fault he did what he did, he has always had a problem with lying, his own mother confirmed that, however when I continue to wait for the phone to ring, hoping its him, or when I sit there and dwell, and boy oh boy, I have become the master of dwelling, Im only setting myself up for failure. I aslo hear alot of "you dodged a bullet, now your free" I just wished I believed it, instead of thinking, "He is getting better, he is changing for the better, and she will get the best side of him, why doesnt he want me in his life anymore ?". And all these thoughts have me in circles going back to one of two things... Either I remind him of everything horrible he did and its too painful for him, or its my fault, and I brought this out in him. I feel really pathetic.
I sleep as much as possible because being awake means all of this is real, which means some days I sleep 14 to 18 hours. I have lost 30 pounds, because I can only get myself to eat a few bites. I go out with friends, but everyone asks how he is, where he is... I dont know what im supposed to say... I know Im not taking care of myself, and I am misarable. Ive been wanting to go to alanon for weeks now, I thought it would help me with how to handle him, but it seems to me, it will help me handle myself.
I am greatful for all of your responses and input. I am thankful to know I am not alone. I am hopeful that thru this process I will feel better about the situation.
I am in tears right now, not that its rare for me to be in tears latley, but once again I find myself sitting here sobbing. This relationship took so much out of me, emotionally, physically, mentally... I do not know how to rebuild for myself and fill my own cup. I let it consume me, and I know I obsess over it, and him way too much. I blame myself all the time, like I should have been a better girlfriend, if I hadnt kicked him out of the house he never would have turned into a raging addict, I didnt support him like I should have and she saw how amazing he was to me before the trouble began, and was just waiting to step in... And, yes, I actually believe alot of this stuff.
Ugh... People keep telling me, its not my fault he did what he did, he has always had a problem with lying, his own mother confirmed that, however when I continue to wait for the phone to ring, hoping its him, or when I sit there and dwell, and boy oh boy, I have become the master of dwelling, Im only setting myself up for failure. I aslo hear alot of "you dodged a bullet, now your free" I just wished I believed it, instead of thinking, "He is getting better, he is changing for the better, and she will get the best side of him, why doesnt he want me in his life anymore ?". And all these thoughts have me in circles going back to one of two things... Either I remind him of everything horrible he did and its too painful for him, or its my fault, and I brought this out in him. I feel really pathetic.
I sleep as much as possible because being awake means all of this is real, which means some days I sleep 14 to 18 hours. I have lost 30 pounds, because I can only get myself to eat a few bites. I go out with friends, but everyone asks how he is, where he is... I dont know what im supposed to say... I know Im not taking care of myself, and I am misarable. Ive been wanting to go to alanon for weeks now, I thought it would help me with how to handle him, but it seems to me, it will help me handle myself.
I am greatful for all of your responses and input. I am thankful to know I am not alone. I am hopeful that thru this process I will feel better about the situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Looking4Lotus,
We've all been through similar stories to yours. I so wish I had not married the alcoholic in my life but I wasn't as wise as you. Read, read, read on here and find a local AlAnon meeting. I had to hear the same stories over and over from different people to realize we didn't have this once in a lifetime love that I thought we did. In fact we were textbook alcoholic and codependent. I'm divorced and and working on me. I do not miss the drama that was once in my life.
Hugs to you!
We've all been through similar stories to yours. I so wish I had not married the alcoholic in my life but I wasn't as wise as you. Read, read, read on here and find a local AlAnon meeting. I had to hear the same stories over and over from different people to realize we didn't have this once in a lifetime love that I thought we did. In fact we were textbook alcoholic and codependent. I'm divorced and and working on me. I do not miss the drama that was once in my life.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
looking4lotus,
Sorry to hear of your sister's passing. This guy has absolutely nothing to offer you. I know that you are going thru a painful time, but it is going to get better, keep believing in yourself.
The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior. His actions, demeanor, and complete insensitivity shown to you after your sisters passing would have been enough of an eye opener for me, to never be in contact with him again. He is a total JERK.
He is not boyfriend, or husband material. And he would be a louse of a father.
You sound like a wonderful person. Go live the life that awaits you. Find someone who is worthy of your affection and time. He is truly not available to be in any relationship at this time.
Sending you warm thoughts, and a big hug))))) take care of you
Sorry to hear of your sister's passing. This guy has absolutely nothing to offer you. I know that you are going thru a painful time, but it is going to get better, keep believing in yourself.
The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior. His actions, demeanor, and complete insensitivity shown to you after your sisters passing would have been enough of an eye opener for me, to never be in contact with him again. He is a total JERK.
He is not boyfriend, or husband material. And he would be a louse of a father.
You sound like a wonderful person. Go live the life that awaits you. Find someone who is worthy of your affection and time. He is truly not available to be in any relationship at this time.
Sending you warm thoughts, and a big hug))))) take care of you
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
thinking, "He is getting better, he is changing for the better
Just because he went to rehab doesn't mean he will get better.
I've been where you are and because of Al-anon I am someplace totally different right now. I am content, I am happy, I enjoy my own company, I have serenity and inner peace. Not every second of every day but those are now my primary feelings. You will here lots of people tell you, including me, that Al-anon saved my life.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. I know that I now choose to live it on my terms and as joyfully and skillfully as I can.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Remember to take care of HALT
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Attend to your basic needs first. Just work on that. Once things settle a bit for you, you can work on grieving and healing. Right now, just do the basics. When I was drowning in depression after having left my XAH, I was lucky to have a needy 15 month old who demanded my attention and love...it made it easier to focus on her...but when she was asleep, the depression hit me. So I just did the basics...because that's all I had the energy to do.
It does pass. It WILL pass. And no one ever died from being uncomfortable.
In the meantime, you have us
And SR is always open.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Attend to your basic needs first. Just work on that. Once things settle a bit for you, you can work on grieving and healing. Right now, just do the basics. When I was drowning in depression after having left my XAH, I was lucky to have a needy 15 month old who demanded my attention and love...it made it easier to focus on her...but when she was asleep, the depression hit me. So I just did the basics...because that's all I had the energy to do.
It does pass. It WILL pass. And no one ever died from being uncomfortable.
In the meantime, you have us
And SR is always open.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Looking4Lotus, I am sorry you are hurting. I know how painful it is to have someone turn away from you, no matter if they are an alcoholic or not. But please remember that there is nothing wrong with you--you are NOT at fault for anything he has done or does, or for any of the choices he has made or is currently making. And you can't worry that "she" will get the better version of him, because rehab is no guarantee that he will suddenly be a better person. As to when others ask you about him, just tell them you don't know how he is because you are not in touch with him, and leave it at that.
I know the pain just doesn't magically disappear, but please keep working towards letting it go. Sending you strength!
I know the pain just doesn't magically disappear, but please keep working towards letting it go. Sending you strength!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Looking4Lotus
I feel crazy because I still have hope.... and now Im jealous because if he is getting "better" and chose her, whats wrong with me ?
Stay strong. Stay smart. Stay in your cute apartment alone. Run as fast as you can from this man. You deserve much, much better, and you know it.
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