southbay

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New here, not even sure if I am on the right page. My 24 year old son moved in with me approximately 1 1/2 years ago when he went on disability for depression and anxiety and left his job. Recently, I needed a surgery and had to take time off work. During this time home I discovered my son has been abusing canned air regularly and Coracidin cold medicine. The first time I heard him talking to himself and he was high as a kite from inhaling that stuff. I called 911 and I thought for some odd reason they would be able to haul him off for help, but they could do nothing for me and his counselor could not force him back to see her. He was an adult and I was advised unless he will admit to an officer that he wants to kill himself, no help available. I spent the entire day calling friends and family asking for help. We did an intervention that night and he seemed to stop for awhile but he refused any further treatment.

This time he looked me straight in the eyes and denied all of it. However, he is back to it and has been this entire week. Today was the first time I caught him in the act as his door was wide open and I could hear the spraying of the can through the straw. When I became argumentive with him he got very angry with me, locked his bedroom door and shortly afterwards I could hear he was spraying then came the vomitting. I begged him to get help, but he totally refuses. Just the fact he left his bedroom door open this time and I could hear the canned air being sprayed, I thought was a cry for help but still refusing anything and anyone.

He will also actually leave around 1pm and not return until midnight or so. He has no friends, no job and I know from a previous admission by him, he parks and gets high then comes home after the high has left. Every night I lay down I am sick to my stomach that tonight he could die...I envision the sheriff coming to my door and telling me the news. I do not give him money, he actually had saved quite a bit when he was on disability after he moved in with us. I cannot stop the spending or access. This is just a condensed version of everything, impossible to put it all into words.

Frankly, I don't know what to do or where to go for help. My husband (we were married 4 years ago) has had it and I am at a loss. Can I get him placed somewhere without his approval? Has anyone succeeded with that?
I originally posted this on the newcomer page and was suggested I post here. Based on a few of the responses there I will tell my son tomorrow he must get into treatment or therapy or he will have to leave my home. As difficult as that is, it makes me sick to think of kicking him out but he will make the choice on where he wants to live based on his actions.

dollydo

He is an adult, he is responsible for himself. Allowing him to live in your home without having a job and not paying room and board is enabling, and, is determental to him seeking recovery. He must fall to his knees and want recovery more than anything else in his life.

What you want him to do has nothing to do with what he will do.

Since he has money, IMO I would give him 30 days to find new digs, let him support himself, that is what adults do.

If you have not read the stickies on the top of this forum I would suggest that you do so. Also attending Naranon meeting will help you this disease...that there is no cure for.
It will give you the tools that you need to protect and take care of you.

I am sorry that you are having to face this.

laurie6781

Your son is an adult and AN ADDICT. Allowing him to continue to live in your home is ENABLING him.

I was 33 1/2 when my parents and family finally said NO MORE. This was MY PROBLEM and I had to figure out a way to 'fix it' but I was no longer welcome in their homes, nor did they want to talk to me. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be shut in my face and if I attempted to steal from them the police would be called.

It took me 2 1/2 more years, the last 1 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollywood to find recovery from alcohol and drugs.

I can tell you that SHUTTING ME OUT was the BEST THING THAT MY PARENT EVER DID FOR ME.

Please get yourself a copy of Melodie Beatties "Co Dependent No More" and read it with a 'highlighter' in hand. this will be a HUGE eye opener to you. Continue to post here and ask questions, we have a lot of great folks who have been where you are now or are where you are now with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) to share.

Unfortunately, you CANNOT HELP HIM. He has to WANT to find recovery, and that usually takes a personal 'bottom' (it's different for each individual).

By the way I had 'mental issues' also, that were finally addressed when I was going totally insane at 9 years sober and clean. Turns out I am BiPolar and apparently have been most of my life. It took another 5 years working closely with my Psych Dr to find the correct combination of meds for me I very rarely 'cycle' now and can usually catch it when it starts.

I am over 30 sober and clean now, and I have over 27 years in Alanon as I still have some 'co dependency issues' rear their ugly heads once in a while, lol

You might also want to check out Alanon or Naranon for yourself and/or hubby. I suggest Alanon because in many areas there may be only one or two meetings a week of Naranon and there will be lots for Alanon and it is the same program.

I can tell you that Alanon over the years has taught me so much about how to interact not only with the A's in my life but with everyone in my life.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Anaya

I feel your pain and am so sorry. As Laurie notes, we do care so very much. Keep coming back -- loads of wisdom here and support.

TMZ

southbay thank you for sharing.
Welcome to SR I find this place helpful because not only do you get input from others like us but the recovering addicts also. Through there experiences we learn how to cope. There is a lot of advice for many different situations take what works for you and leave the rest.

I know what your going through it can drive you crazy. But I have learned that I can't control my AS, I can only control myself. I had to accept the fact that it is a disease that only he could recover from on his own. I demanded that if he wanted to stay with us he pay rent and seek professional help (because I am too close to him to be of help.), go to NA and find a sponsor. He did all that. But continued to use. I have always had (a boundary) a rule in my house; No drugs in my house. When he started using again and jut left evidence just laying out I had no choice but to ask him to leave. Believe me it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I am not going to help him kill himself.

I find strength and help here and through Nar-anon. Because the disease has not only got him but affects the family as a whole and we need help to. I recommend you seek a F2F Nar-anon group near you.

Keep posting and be well,

Windblown

If you allow your AS to stay in your home while he continues with his drug use, I can tell you what happenned to my marriage. It almost ruptured. My husband has had it as well and does not want my AS son back and has even further stated that if I allow him back before he gets intensive rehab/help...my husband will find another place to live. And I do not blame my husband.

Also, many people have severe depression and anxiety and DO work. Although I don't know the whole story, I am surprised he even got disability. It is very hard to get for just depression and anxiety. I had bipolar/anxiety very badly for years and tried for disability and after I was denied...Guess What...I said screw it...I'm going to go get a job. And I did. Also, my husband is Bipolar, takes his meds, sees his pdoc regularly...And has had an incredible career...and is still working his way up for another promotion. So to me, the whole disability thing for something like depression and anxiety is a farce. I know it is important for those who REALLY need it....I think the borderline ones need to get off their a$$ and work. My sister was born with spina bifeda and can barely walk, has brain
damage, and guess what....she works. Also, people that get on disability actually don't do as well as the ones who try to work their way through their issues.

I would not allow him in my home. My AS chose to leave but had he not and continued his drug lifestyle, we would have had to ask him to leave. Not doing so would only hurt him. Btw, my son also was dxed with depression and anxiety but you know what the drug counsellor at the hospital said? He said...drugs and alcohol cause depression and anxiety and that the head meds will do nothing for him as long as he does drugs and he ALSO siad that he may or may not even have depression and anxiety but nothing could be known as long as he was still using.....

This must be a terrible time for you. Please get to a naranon, coda or alanon meeting. Get phone numbers...and yes...call those perfect strangers. Take car of yourself and your husband and let your 24 year old son take care of himself. Hugs.

jalapenolover

Your post rings true with so many of us here on SR. My son was like yours: no job, no goals, and loved to get high on anything he could get his hands on. The triple C's (coricidin cough cold) were his favorite as it was easy to steal and he could get high for long periods of time. We learned the hard way, we continually enabled our son. Finally a counselor at rehab told us we had to let him learn the hard way and stop feeding him, giving him shelter, etc. In hopes that he would fall to his bottom and get better. Sadly, our AS took his life a few months ago. I think he just couldn't handle life anymore, his deamons, and bipolar disorder. Not everyones story ends as ours did but continually letting your AS stay at your house is not healthy for him or you. Alanon did and still does wonders for me. Get there and start taking care of YOU!

Hugs,
jalapeno

outtolunch

My daughter is the addict in my life. Back when, I spent a considerable amount of time and money attempting to get her " placed" without her approval. Beyond a temporary hold following an attempt or serious talk about suicide, there is nothing than can be done ( short of kidnapping and restraint) without a court order determination of mental incompetency. And that's not going to happen.

That we consider the possibility of placing our adult children without their approval, demonstrates how much we want to control them and their choices, albeit lousy choices.

Allowing someone in progressive and active addiction to live under our roof is enablement because it cushions the consequences of the lousy choices. Your son has absolutely to reason to remotely consider alternatives, given he can do as he pleases, in your home as opposed to living in his car ( assuming he owns a car in his name and pays for insurance) couch surfs or he finds a homeless shelter.

While these options may or may not be enough to compel him to consider alternatives, you are no longer engaged in enabling his demons.

southbay

Thank you all....everything everyone says is true...and I know it. I love him but the time has come for him to love himself and want more for his life. I am heartbroken for myself and for many of you as I read your stories. I finally followed the path many of you have already walked and told him it is time to leave or time to get clean, hugged him, told him I loved him and walked away. I pray for him to get clean and conquer this horrible addiction that has taken over his life.

Anaya

Good points from Windblown.

I, too, believe that there are those, who can juggle mental illness (with self-confidence, commitment, support, etc.) along with taking part in the working world; though, of course, I don't want to generalize since I realize it is case by case and circumstances differ.

Windblown also makes a great point here: "He said...drugs and alcohol cause depression and anxiety and that the head meds will do nothing for him as long as he does drugs and he ALSO siad that he may or may not even have depression and anxiety but nothing could be known as long as he was still using....." We learned this, too, with our son.