brownhorse

I am trying so hard and my Alcoholic soon to be x husband is getting all the credit. I left him because he was mean and uncintrolable. I am over it. kids were sad crying all the time.... Now, he has basically ignored them for 3 weeks and started rehab again and noe oldest who is 9 can not get enough of him. Don't get me wrong I want him to become a good dad. But, when did I become the bad guy! if it weren't for me he would not see him and it is wrong for me to tell him. this stinks!

Ladybug0130

Totally understand the need to vent. But PLEASE resist the urge to talk bad about the AH to the kids. They will remember when they get older and it's just better for you to focus on being the best mom you can. This is all very hard on kids, they still love their Daddy and want to think that he is a good person.

Believe me, I have to remind myself of this a lot, so I can understand where you are coming from!

Leaping

Brownhorse, I am the bad guy too. Ever since I asked my soon to be X AH to leave the house my children have been saying "poor daddy" and asking when he can come home. I am ok with that. They are children and do not know all the nitty gritty details. I tell them it is my job to keep them safe and healthy and that I am making difficult choices in the best interest of our family.
Hang in there, I can totally relate to feeling like the bad guy...this too shall pass

dollydo

Children do not understand the whys and wherefors. Later in life they will. Be patiet, go about your business, and continue to make the right decisions for them.

Impurrfect

(((brownhorse))) - I went through something similar with my niece, who has been raised by my dad and stepmom (her grandmother and legal guardian) since she was 1, and her mom died in a car wreck.

Her "dad" was totally manipulative, tried to make it like he was the good guy. We never did say anything bad about him, figured she would learn in her own time.

18 years later? She knows all about her "dad" who is in prison again. She knows why we did what we did (court-ordered visits), what we went through to keep her (as compared to his parents, as he's been in/out of jail and prison). She wants nothing to do with him. She was the same way when she was that age, though he never really "got" recovery.

The parent who does the disciplining, who is there day in and day out, almost always seems to be resented when they're that age. It felt like we were taken for granted.

It's hard being the parent (or aunt) that they resent. I can only tell you, from my experience, that they really, really want to be with the parent that isn't in their daily life, but they usually figure things out, as they get older. My niece still WANTS to believe what her "dad" says, but she's seen ME work recovery (I'm a recovering addict and codie) and she understands the difference. When she was 9? Her "dad" hung the moon

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

brownhorse

thanks all! Just needed a moment to talk about and then go be the mom I know I am. I hope he does get better fo them! Sad too, I know it is to late for myhusband and me.

dbh

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I am grateful that my mother got us out of the crazy environment with my dad.

What was difficult for me, is that my mother would never let us acknowledge the pain that we felt after leaving our father. We were also told that we shouldn't cry or be sad. We were told that he loved alcohol more than us, that he never cared about us, and that he was a awful person.

It lead to a lifetime of me not trusting my emotions and feeling that I must be bad too since I did feel sorry for him and since I came from his genetic material.

My mom never focused on her own recovery. To this day, anything bad that has ever happened to us is all my father's fault. While I'm grateful that she got us out of that environment, I wish she could have had more compassion to our feelings and for my father.

I eventually learned how to keep him in my life at a distance. I set boundaries and was finally able to forgive him before he died last year. It was a long hard road though.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

brownhorse

So all this concern and trying so hard on my part to not talk bad about him in front of the kids and first chance he gets what does he do? Tells my 4 year old that he missed his Halloween party because MOM wrote the time down wrong. First of all, why I am writing times down for him? Secondly, I copy everything I give him and I did not write the time down wrong!!!!

wellnowwhat

It is tough! My AH wanted to be "cool" and didn't want to discipline the kids at all. At first my kids thought it was great and loved the "don't tell mom" secrets. My children clued into their father's behaviour when they realized he was using the same lame excuses and arguments they were.

They appreciate my efforts now, and have thanked me, for being the strong (and at the time unpopular) parent.

outtolunch

Is he employed? Does he have a license? A car? Insurance? Is he making a meaningful financial contribution to the support of his children?

It's his job to be a good dad. It's his job to move heaven and earth to see his own children. It's his job to know the important events in his kids' lives.

You have no control over what he thinks, says or does, or not.

Protect the kids and let go of the rest.

skippernlilg

I'm also an ACOA. I understand firsthand that children (and I'm seeing this now in my own son), in their search for their own identity, go through phases where they know they are 'half' of each parent. So, when they start seeing the negatives in their alcoholic/addicted parent, they start feeling really bad about themselves, too.

While it is not necessary to 'talk bad' about the other parent, it is necessary to recognize the phases your children are at each change in their lives. It's ok for them to feel sad or scared. It's ok for them to feel through their feelings, appropriately, and then give them the power to understand they really can be who they want to be. They're empowered to learn valuable lessons from what they see and know as their truth. It is important to be age-appropriately honest with your children.

My son understands that alcoholism is dangerous to our physical, mental, and spiritual health. He knows that people are able to heal, but he also knows that free will and our thoughts have a lot of power over good health.

My son's bio-dad, while not an alcoholic, has done some pretty awful things that my son has seen. When we talk about it, we talk about good choices that we make and how our choices affect other people. We understand that not everyone has the ability or will to make good choices. We also know that we have the power to forgive, and that we can make ourselves safe, in spite of the love we have for people.

akrasia

They will absolutely see the situation for what it is when they're older.

fourmaggie

I hate to say this...but a 9 year old is very smart....and he learned his co depency somewhere

explain to the children daddy is very sick and has a disease...i have been very open with my children since the age of 3...using pop as a reference to it...meaning sugar does something to people to "burp"....

kids see and are very smart...open up to him....and plus there is AL ATEEN...
lecturing does not help and reacting does not help....love and compassion works...

likealion

I thought my mom was the bad guy when I was that age, because she was the only one who ever did any disciplining. I thought she was mean. There was so much I didn't understand -- so much that I wasn't capable of understanding.

As I became an adult, I realized what life must have been like for her. We seem to get closer with each passing year. This will pass. As your kids grow and mature, they will look back on this and understand.

searchbug

My dad once explained to me, that if I "liked" him all the time..he wasn't doing his job. His job was to protect me, not for me to like him all the time.
Kids are immature...that's why they ARE kids. And no, they are not going to understand what is happening. And, considering that it is an alcoholic, their STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE is to blame the other side, and if possible, use the kids for a guilt trip against you.
You can give them a brief explanation...and acknowledge their feelings.. but the bottom line comes down to, you are the mommy, you have to do the RIGHT thing, and they won't always get that, until they are adults themselves.

vujade

My kiddos were really upset about their dad leaving. They didn't so much blame me for anything but they were definitely sad and confused. He was incredibly flaky at first and would go for many days without seeing them. Didn't even CALL them for a couple of weeks. But when it was their time to visit their day they yelled "YAY!!!!!!" and part of me felt rotten for that. He had been a HORRIBLE dad, but they let him off the hook without any anger. I felt like the mean mom who dictated homework time, bath time and and time-outs and he was the "fun dad".

However, just about a week ago, I picked them up from their visit with him. My oldest (he is also 9) asked where we were going. I told him we were going home. He smiled and said (almost to himself), "Home...comfortable, cozy, peaceful, happy. Home." And suddenly, I got it. My boys don't have to be excited about being with me because I am home. I am constant. I am always there. I am mom. Not mean mom. I am Mom.

As for their dad...kids need to love their parents and they will no matter what. If you acted as their advocate, removing them from a very bad situation to a more distant place where they can love him in a safe way, then you have done an amazing job as their mother. And you are home. You are there. You are love. Always. WTG, Mom!

brownhorse

really needed that vujade. Thanks

Bernadette

Vujade!!!! Great insight!

Brownhorse, Although my mom never left our A dad, I also as an adult came to see how much my mom had done to keep it all together. But, 2 things: maybe because she stayed - my mom WAS mean to us sometimes - maybe she was stressed from dealing with her AH and all that entails - or maybe she just has a mean streak. #2 she never, ever acknowledged or talked to us about how we must've been suffering in the A home - she never called it alcoholism or explained it to us (and believe me at 9 I knew something was very very wrong and different about our family - I knew it at 6!!) she never, even to this day, has been able to be honest about what it was like for us - she still lives in denial and still enables my A brothers. This has led to a very inauthentic relationship between us.

I just wish she had, even once, sat down with me, with us, and had a serious conversation about what was really going on, maybe given me a book or pointed me towards AlAteen so I wouldn't have felt so alone. When I was 18, 19, 20, and realized how common alcoholism is (and was in my extended family!) and how similar the emotional experience is for children of As I was so MAD at her and all the sober adults in my life for being so hush hush about it and making it seem so shameful.

Kids do great with honest non-judgmental information - because their imaginations are very powerful - when I didn't have the facts I spun all kinds of anxious nonsense in my brain.

Sounds to me like you are doing great!!
Peace-
B

theuncertainty

Vujade, thank you for your post. I've been having a really hard time keeping my mouth shut lately on the stuff XAH is pulling w DS. Thank you for the reminder on why I do.