Windblown

My 18 year old left the house the day he got out of detox. He came home and did not want to deal with the new house rules so he chose to leave.

My husband and I have been through every emotion there is. At first there was fear of the drug dealers and we hqd to get an alarm system, hire a landscaper to trim bushes because the police came over and gave us safety tips. My AS deals all sorts of drugs and his new friends are shady.

We have been angry, guilty, grieving, and even feeling happy he is gone because it is more peaceful at home.

He has only called to come over and retrieve his belongings...especially items for the pawn shop. His last visit was to borrow the motorcycle to give a girl a ride...he never brought it back. Yes, it was his, but he stole my husband's motorcycle helmet.

I have been going to Naranon and have a sponsor whom I call frequently. I am practicing detaching and togh or responsible love.

My son has not called in two weeks. We have not called him. My sponsor says,"Don't trouble TROUBLE, until TROUBLE, troubles You!

So I should not call him because I may get ensnared into his web of needs.

I was just going to call him and tell him I loved him and hoped he was well. But at this time...I will not do that. Just writing this out here tells me not to do that. It's just so strange...his empty bedroom. I start remembering the good times. I'm on a slippery slope. I mean....doesn't he know I love him? Why did he just disappear after everything we did for him.....just cold as ice.

I have not been to a meeting sence last week...shows huh? Maybe he never even loved me. He's only been out here with us for a year and a half. He used to live with his meth addicted Father and we tried to get physical custody for years...attorneys, court...GA is a state I loathe. Thay did nothing.

It seems like if he cared, he could at least call and apologize for dropping out of college, bringing his scary drug dealers over, selling cocaine, having a shotgun in his trunk, never trying at school, quitting his job, he was never openly defiant...always gentle and mellow but he would not adhere to the 1:30am curfew which we tried to enforce because he would stay out all night every night and show up at odd hours to crash. At the end he just did whatever until the big crises with the gun, scqles qnd us calling the cops and the detox....

I just miss him. I wish I could tell him. Maybe some part of him knows how much I love him. But my husband and I are on the same page...we love him enough not to enable him. Very tough time. Thanks for being here.

suki44883

I'm sorry. I know you miss him. He knows you love him. Of course he doesn't show it, but I promise you, he knows. He just isn't ready yet to give up that life. It could be quite some time until he is. In the meantime, you are doing just fine and the feelings you are having are completely normal. I hope you'll continue your meetings and keep learning not to personalize what the addict does. He isn't doing anything to or at you, he's just doing what addicts do.

useyourwords

oh windblown, i am so sorry for how you are feeling. i remember well that feeling with my sister and it was so painful, and so hard not to want to tell her the things i felt and not want to hear things from her. i used to remind myself every day that with addiction, words were meaningless. my words to her meant nothing, and her words to me were also meaningless even when they were the ones i so wanted to hear. even when she was apologizing or promising change, it was all just part of the addiction, the manipulation, etc. her words were not "her".

i found journaling helped sometimes -- i would write her long letters then tear them up or delete them, reminding myself that my words would mean nothing to her even if she read them. we are "word" people in my family -- talking, reading, writing, poetry, quotes, etc. it is what always got us through the best and worst times. it was hard for me to accept her addictioning robbing us of that -- addiction makes words empty and meaningless and i didn't want to face that!

i am so glad you and your husband are on the same page. stay strong.

dollydo

He already knows that you love him, he is not in a place, today, to acknowledge or return the love.

Step up those meetings, don't project or awfulize, this situation is out of your control, he is in the hands of the HP, leave him there.

I know that this is difficult, keep posting, it will help.

TMZ

I know what you are going through. My son is out there some where too, He left 2 1/2 months ago. Not a word from him. He told me once that he loves us and when he is using he doesn't want to hurt us so he stays away. He has disappeared for months at a time before, but some how this time seams different. I know no news is good news (at least no phone calls from police or hospital.) but it just feels so lonely or quiet.

We thrust in the fact he has been taught what he need to know to survive, and what he needs to do to get clean. All we can do now is wait and pray.

I attend a Nar anon group that has a NA meeting at the same time and every week I get there early with the hope of seeing him show up for a meeting. We must let go and let God, for they are his sons too.

I am sorry for your pain and will add both of you and your son to my prayers.
Be well,

outtolunch

One of the better descriptions of addiction.

Right now, he needs drugs like you and I need air. Nothing else is registering. He's not using drugs at you. Cold as ice is about as impersonal as it gets. Sustained contact at this point usually becomes an opportunity to manipulate and/or project venom. Such is the life of an addict.

I finally came to the conclusion that tough love meant being tough with myself. It became easier when I let go of my own fantasies that I had any control or influence over someone else's addiction.

tjp613

If he came back to the house, it would take about 12 hours and you'd be wishing he were LONG gone.

Enjoy the peace and quiet.

(But yeah, I definitely relate to what you're saying. I miss the son I used to have, not the one I have now.)

Sammie08

My brother is an ex-heroin addict. My mom spent too long enabling and when she finally cut him off it tore her up. Now, at 21, he's clean and sober and their relationship has never been better. He understands, now, that her actions were out of love and had she continued to support him he probably would not have gotten the help he really needed.

Stay strong!

Windblown

Thanks Troops! When I'm feeling that weak wobbly sad stuff all I have to do is put it out their to people in the know...like you guys. And I am strengthened. Anyone who has gone through this and reaches out for help from a site like this, a counsellor, a police man, a sponsor....gets pretty much the same answers back. So it makes it easy to turn that corner and stay on the path.

Thank you all very much for sharing your experience, intuition and knowledge.

Tomorrow I will hit a meeting. Tonight I live in a peaceful home. I know if my son came back anytime soon I would not be prepared to mentally handle it...I am too fragile...and my husband says he is too. My husband also says he wants to protect me and our life together.

Our discussions about AS are still a daily thing but the anger and intensity is lessening.
As long as I learned from this...it is not a mistake. As long as I stay strong and never enable again...then there is no guilt because I truly feel this is the best way to deal with an addict. And recovering addicts agree too. Just like learning a new language but I 'm getting it. Sure is easier when the addict isn't living under the same roof.

Thanks again everybody.

Seren

"just like learning a new language".....I've never thought of it like that, but it's true!

You, your son, and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

HG

Kindeyes

I can definitely relate to your feelings.

gentle hugs
ke

hope213

windblown, i am so proud of you. it took me a long time with tiny baby steps to get where u r. i will assure u that u r doing the right thing. peace b with you & prayers for all of you.