Coping with a relapse

Old 10-25-2011, 01:45 PM
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Coping with a relapse

Back in July, I posted about my alcoholic friend Michael whom has been struggling with an alcohol addiction for the past three years. After being in and out of the ICU, detox centers, and being slapped with a DUI, none of this seemed to stop Michael from the path of self-destruction. After one too many relapses, I bowed out, unable to handle the constant emotional distress on our deteriorating friendship. I left the fate of our friendship in Michael's hands -- making it clear that the only way I could remain in his life was if he was sober and making a committed effort to stay that way.

About a month later, I contacted him just to see how he was doing. By that time his probation had been initiated from his DUI offense and he entered the ARD (Accelerated Rehabilitative Dispostion) Program. He also willingly entered a counseling center. My hope escalated, but I was cautiously optimistic. We began talking again.

He remained sober for 2 months and I was almost convinced that my worries were over. Things were going so well and nothing could describe the elation I felt to have my friend back to his sober self. He was optimistic, productive, and much happier than I'd seen him in months.

But then he relapsed. Two months of happiness came to a blunt halt.

I was utterly crushed when I first found out. At first he denied it; chalked up his slurred speech and illogical thinking to being tired and missing meals (he has a problem with malnourishment). Even though dozens of red flags started popping up and all my internal instincts pointed to alcohol, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Concerned for his health, I hopped on Google and searched for symptoms of drunkenness without actually being drunk (silly, I know). He seemed to fit the criteria for diabetes (which runs in his family) as well as hypoglycemia (based on his poor eating habits). I was genuinely convinced that he had a serious medical issue and felt silly for accusing him of drinking.

But, as it turns out, my first instinct was correct and he was indeed drunk. One day I went to his house and as I leaned in to greet him with a hug, I immediately smelled the alcohol on him. I began to cry and so did he. And so I had to go through my speech for the upteenth time about how I couldn't be in his life if he was going to continue to drink. That I love him dearly but I can't stand around and support his self-destructive behaviors. So, I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to disconnect myself from him. Again.

It's been a month since that day, and he's still drinking at the risk of going to jail (he's still on probation), losing his home, going broke, wrecking his schooling, and losing everyone near and dear to him. What more is it going to take for this man to get on the straight and narrow?
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:50 PM
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It may never happen and you certainly can't make it happen. The guy just isn't ready yet. Nothing you can do about it, so take care of yourself and focus on what is best for you and leave him to follow his own path.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:55 PM
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Chances are alcoholism runs in his family as well.
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Chances are alcoholism runs in his family as well.
Yes, his mother was an alcoholic.
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
It may never happen and you certainly can't make it happen. The guy just isn't ready yet. Nothing you can do about it, so take care of yourself and focus on what is best for you and leave him to follow his own path.
How does one move forward in life knowing that a brilliant person is trapped inside of an addiction that will inevitably kill them? Or how to surrender to accepting that we, as bystanders to this insanity, are powerless? The thought of him deteriorating more or to the point of death is horrifying and haunts me every single day. Do they have to break the barrier of denial before real progress can be made?
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:31 PM
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Yes, horrifying is a good word for it. No need to have (as someone here oft says) a front row seat for it. It won't help or deter the eventuality.

You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. And as you already know, you did not cause it.

Another common saying: let go, or be dragged.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by solitaryvireo View Post


What more is it going to take for this man to get on the straight and narrow?
I don't know.

What more will it take for you to hit your own bottom and let go? That's the only part of this you control.
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:59 AM
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Been through enough relapses with my EXABF-each and every time, he promised me he would sober up. He did for a while, but it always happened again. Watching him spiral into that pit was awful-the arguments, verbal abuse, self-pity, detoxing tore me apart. Time and time, again, when he stopped then started again, what trust I had in him evaporated to the point of nothingness. I always knew when it was happening and yet, I couldn't let go.

I finally accepted that he would not seek recovery, that I had no right to expect him to do it, that he had every right to live life on his terms. That's when I let him go.

Letting go was hard and is still hard as I know he is still drinking and has pushed away everyone who loves him and tried to help.

With the help of AL-Anon, Sr, friends and family, I'm hanging in there, good days and bad days, focusing on my well being and path in life.

Hugs coming your way!
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:36 AM
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"I finally accepted that he would not seek recovery, that I had no right to expect him to do it, that he had every right to live life on his terms. That's when I let him go."


That is exactly what I needed to hear today.
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:46 AM
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After 10 years of "discussions" about my husband's relationship with alcohol... I finally came to accept the fact that it is HIS relationship - not mine. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking - I do. Therefore it's my problem to solve. I can't live with the drinking and the corresponding behaviors/attitudes... I can't change him, and there isn't anything about me that I can change (short of a lobotomy) that will make me able to live with the drinking... so...

We are getting a divorce. Our lives are incompatible. It's as simple as that. I used to make it so much more complicated and it kept me stuck. I sat around waiting for him to get sober, waiting for him to show me love/respect... waiting for him to become the man I believed he could be. Today, I see him for the man he is - and accept that it's not enough for me. He's not a bad person. In fact, as I recovery, I've started to remember the good traits - I see him as a human again, worthy of love and respect. And today, I know that I can't love him, as is.

It's sad. I have days of anger. I get scared. I get excited and happy. Sometimes I have all those emotions in a window of 5 minutes... kind of crazy!! But my perspective has changed. My attitude is so much better. My outlook on life is so much healthier than ever before!

Al-anon has helped me find my hope!!
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:00 AM
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Heartbreaking, isn't it, watching someone throw it all away?

It sounds like you have made the right, although very painful, decision to dettach. You can't help him. Right now, you just have to help you.
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