munchkin05

I guess first I should say, uh duh, what an UNorginal title here on the Newcomers board.

I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I am an alcoholic.

My Mom started drinking non stop when I was a teenager. By the time I was in my mid twenties she was what I would assume a full blown mid state alcoholic.
I had just started down my own slippery slope.
I was the one who always got to boast that I could drink anyone under the table. It took loads to drink before I would actually feel it. Instead I would just feel the euphoria, wonderful warm loving feelings.
Late twenties things started going downhill a bit. While hubby was deployed I would go on all day long binges. When he wasn't I would drink here and there whereever I could.
Then I moved to Alaska and I thought, "well here it is, the fresh start I needed! It was just the previous place that made me so depressed and drink so much". Well as much as I love Alaska I know now that it was not the place, it was addiction.
Luckily enough I had my son which halted my drinking for almost 2 years but then as usual, life got in the way and my husband was extended in Iraq so I slid right back, all the while knowing what I was doing was wrong, but powerless. I cannot tell you how many nights I would be totally inebriated, stomping around the kitchen yelling quietly that I DID NOT WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOM all the while my infant son was sleeping upstairs.
I've had moments in the past few years where the old, healthy self shows up for a bit. Usually when I make sure to spend time and effort to get my butt to the gym then I'm good. It fills in the "magic hour" (aka evenings) when the cravings hit. Even still last night I went to the gym and as soon as I got home it hit me square in the face.

I started recently reading Under the Influence and it has "influenced" me a lot. I don't want to continue this way. I don't want this link to continue to my son. I don't want my son to grow up thinking about his alcoholic Mom.
Already the knowledge that he is so much like me and he might carry the gene that makes him prone to alcholism makes me really upset.
Well I guess thats my story. I'm sorry if I rambled a bit.

ArgentOfSilvae

Welcome to SR Munchkin,

You will find the people here are very friendly and helpful,

AoS

Shygirl

Welcome....your story is so me.....I'm also struggling to stay sober but I know one day I will accomplish just that....I'm on day number 6.............We can do this. SR is a wonderful site to be at right now........

Pigtails

Welcome. And congrats on making this realization and taking this important step.

munchkin05

Actually what I find is so frustrating is I will sometimes be successful. I've gone for almost 2 years with almost nothing, then recently I went for about 4 months of nothing. But when I fall I fall hard and it's even harder for me to pick myself back up and get myself back on the wagon.

Pigtails

I understand and I think this is the nature of the disease. It sneaks up on you and makes you think you're fine when you're not. It teases and taunts you that now you're better and you can have just one... only to rip you to shreds again. So the best thing is just to not start up again. Bear in mind I don't have nearly the amount of sobriety under my belt that you do. This is just what I'm figuring out in the here and now, on my most recent Day 12. Good luck and stay strong.

munchkin05

The horrible thing about the last time I stayed sober for so long was I was pushed back into it by my Mom.
As of January I had vowed to not drink and go to the gym religiously, then I had a get together with my parents and my Mom somewhat teased me because I wasn't drinking but then my Mom has teased me in the past that I've never done drugs either (she has)
This sounds absolutely horrible but my parents moved to the west coast recently and I'm so glad they did. I don't want my Mom around.

Pigtails

It's good you're apart from your mom if she discourages your sobriety. I would venture to say, though, that your sobriety is your own; no one can make you drink or not drink. I'm sure you know that but it's important to keep in mind when you are pressured by other people. Good luck.

munchkin05

Thankfully my Mom is the main one who pushed me in the past, thankfully.
Hubby doesn't push but he doesn't really frown on it a whole lot. He doesn't like me drinking but he doesn't want to bring it up but I think that's a whole other issue.

least

Welcome to SR,a very supportive community.

iliveforyou

Welcome to SR Glad that you have joined us here. Such a great community for support. You have made a great realization now it is time to take the steps forward from here. You deserve this (so do your kids) and you CAN do it! Have you thought about AA or some other form of support? SR is great but quite a few have found they also need some face to face support.

Best wishes to you and hope to hear more from you - we are here for you

-Jess

munchkin05

Mostly the problem of getting support is I'd have to do it in the evenings and many times my husband can't get off in time. (military)
I have no other person that can take care of my son so most of the responsibilities of taking care of our son, keeping the house going, doing the bills, cooking, cleaning, yada yada yada falls on me.

This morning I started crying as I got ready to take a shower when I realized I'd love to turn to someone for help and yet I'm so stuck. I so wish I could go somewhere and just work on ME and yet I know that everything would fall apart at home(I know this one because it's somewhat happened before).
I do know that hubby and I need to have a serious chat but he tends to change the subject somewhat. Crazy thing? He's the drug and alcohol tester for his unit here so he knows all about alcohol and drug abuse. LOL

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

My dad is a recovering alcoholic and his dad was an alcoholic, so I understand that family aspect of the whole thing.

Have you considered trying out AA for support?

sissy07

Welcome to SR! Your story sounds very familiar to me....please continue reading and posting so that we know how you are.

munchkin05

Thanks for the Welcome Joshua!
I've been tempted but that means I have to go to the meetings. If they're during the day then I have to take time off for work. No good because I already take so much time off to take care of my son's appts, my appts, or other errands.
If it's during the evening then I have to usually worry about who will pick my 5 year old son up, who will care for him, etc. Hubby gets off late each night, sometimes not coming home till 7-8pm due to work so I'm rather cornered.
I am planning on seeing a therapist soon (as a matter of fact I was supposed to see him yesterday but he cancelled!!) so I'm hoping that will help a bit.

eJoshua

I wouldn't be surprised if you were able to find meetings that start after 8, you might want to check it out. Where I live the meetings go almost around the clock. Any time of the day you can bet there are at least a few meetings going on somewhere.

Otherwise, I know there are AA meetings that meet online as well, like through Skype or something, although I don't know much about them, maybe try googling it.

eJoshua

And the therapist idea is good too, that's helped me a lot.

munchkin05

I may try the electronic meetings at night if I can find them. I have a Substance abuse office here where I work that has info about AA.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Munchkin - you'll find a lot of support here

D

FoundmySelf

Hi Munchkin, it is so good to have you here at SR. You have found a great and wonderful place. As a full time Mom with a husband who works long and hard hours I know just how hard it is to make those meetings. Like ejoshua said many meetings do start after 8pm so maybe check in to that. Another thing is have you thought about getting a baby sitter? Asking a friend to lend a hand? If you want to get sober and get to that meeting you will find a way to do just that. Sometimes we have to dig really deep to find the answer. For me at first I was terrified and I couldn't go for many of the same reasons you listed as well... when in reality... I was just afraid to go... So make the commitment to yourself and to your son... find someone to care for your children so you can care for yourself... the healthier you are.. the better off you will be not only for yourself.. but for your whole family (((hug)))