New here, Please help me face reality!!!

Old 10-25-2011, 06:42 AM
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Unhappy New here, Please help me face reality!!!

Hello, I have been married to AH for 10 years. All which were filled with alcohol, verbal and phsyical abuse, 2 DUI's, and we have 2 children. Well about a month ago, something went off and I said " I have had enough". Kids and I moved out. I got a PFA because I had no idea how he would react. Well his family ran to his side so he wouldn't do anything stupid. But this is what happened and what has me on the roller coaster ride; he did a complete 360. He was calm, regrettful, remorseful, cried, etc. Has not drank since then, agrees to see a counselor but no AA meetings. Not argumentative at all. Says he knows he has messed up his life with alcohol and that his family is more important. He has treated me better the last month than the whole ten yrs we have been married. I did drop the PFA because he would not of been allowed to have the kids or see them. I am finding myself believing in him and spending more and more time at "home". Is this just the reality of "she can actually leave me and make it" or is he really sincere? I need to keep my house for me and kids, because I know a month doesn't mean anything. He is making it so hard to stay away. Please help!!!!
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:06 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

My A could be very charming when he wanted. He was hadsome, funny, and easy going. Most days. But alcoholism is progressive and I saw fewer and fewer of those qualities. Mine could stay sober for days, weeks, months and even a few years. But once he picked back up, it was just a matter of time and he was acting as if he never stopped. It is progressive. It does get worse.

You mentioned he is accepting counseling. Has he started yet? Did he choose a counselor that specializes in addiction and violent personalities?

Your AH is sober 30 days compared to a marriage of 3,650 days. How much time do you think you need to determine if this is "the real deal"?
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:11 AM
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Each situation is going to be as unique as the people intimately involved in it.

Some people recover from an addiction and want their lives back. Others recover and move on, needing a clean break from their past, and yet others never find recovery and go from relapse to relapse, drama to drama.

You will find a lot of support here, and I would additionally recommend Al Anon for local fellowship and, if you like, one on one sponsorship to help you through this new phase in your life.

Do remember at the end of it all, that your situation is yours. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Many people here dream of their spouse/partner making a change and 'coming back' to the person they once were. You may be one of those who are able to find this as a reality.

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Old 10-25-2011, 10:27 AM
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Stay separated and let your A walk his own path. If he's truly serious about recovery, he will know what to do. A year from now, two years from now, if things are really going well, you can considering living together again.

My own story: On May 1 I gave my AH the boot. We've been married 16 years and have 4 kids. I could not take the lonely life and emotional neglect one more day. He did a 180 and wasn't drinking around me, was so loving and like the man I married and lived with all those years. He moved back in part-time (weekends) in July. We had fun for the most part, but it took only four weeks of that to know that NOTHING had really changed. Slowly the sincere, attentive man who wasn't drinking (much) became the withdrawn, angry guy who drank in secret and hated me for all the old reasons (none of which made sense). I made him leave once again on August 1st.

The second 'separation' was brutal for me and the kids. It was really damaging for my kids. Huge mistake on my part to let him back in so soon. Hang tough. Don't let this 'honeymoon period' fool you. It means nothing --- it's just manipulation on his part and wishful thinking on yours.

If you really need to see him, do. Meet for coffee. Go see a movie. Enjoy his company, then go home alone.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:45 AM
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I am trying to convince myself that this is only a ploy to get me back into his grips totally again, I just can't see how he can be so nice and loving when its actually a lie. Does it really take a year or two for them to get better? I have read this site for a long time, and now it is me that is on here, because I need support to keep me strong and give me the willpower I need.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:52 AM
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Welcome! I'm new too. And therefore don't have much insight (I also don't have kids and am not married to my ABF of 1.5 years). That said, I understand wanting so badly to believe that someone is changing for the better and keeping their promises. Ultimately, it comes down to time and consistency and their are no quick fixes and easy answers. Be strong. Trust your gut. Take care of you and your kids first.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:52 AM
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myfreedom, he's an alcoholic and will be for the rest of his life, whether he is actively drinking or not. There is a lot that has to happen besides him abstaining from booze before he will be healthy and good husband and father material. Let him go and take care of yourself and the kids. Let him go. Walk your path. Live a meaningful life. Let him go.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:01 AM
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Let him remove himself from living with you and the kids and tell him if in a year he's actively on the path of recovery then and only then let's see about reconciling.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:28 AM
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Letting him go seems so cold, but in comparision to what he has done to me, that is nothing. He has been my life for so long that its like a habit that I don't know how to break. especially when he is being so "normal" right now. I definately need the support from here.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:32 AM
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You'll know he is serious when he goes to rehab, stays in rehab to the end and does what he's told, and then comes out of rehab and starts a program (AA or something else) and works that program for several years.

Until then it's all ******** and you'll just go back to the same old ****. His words and deeds are stereotypical of exactly what they do when their enabler actually leaves. Don't be fooled by this. His refusal to go to AA is all you need to know.

Most importantly at all, if you really want your life to improve, please try some Alanon meetings.

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Old 10-25-2011, 11:41 AM
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he has said he will not go to AA meetings because they will make him drink. He can't go to rehab because he has no insurance and says he will lose his house. I am trying not to be fooled even though deep down I know its all bull!!
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:47 AM
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Then you now know for sure nothing's actually changed. He will only be able to keep this up for a short time and then it will be more of the same. God know what affect this has had on your children, but know that it can and will get worse unless he really and truly seeks sobriety and recovery for himself.

You already know everything you need to know. The hard part, and I know this from experience (almost ten years with a drunken wife and now 16 year old daughter), is taking that knowledge and using it to make the best decisions for your and your children.

Alanon will teach you how to do that. Your first step, not his, is to go to an Alanon meeting. Try at least six before deciding if it is for you. Here: Al-Anon / Alateen Family Groups, Pennsylvania Area | pa-al-anon.org
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:07 PM
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If and when he is truly ready to live a sober life, he will be willing to do whatever is necessary. AA will not make him drink. He says that because he doesn't have a clue what AA really is or what he will learn by doing the steps. Regarding his excuse for not going to rehab...his house is less important that his life, or your life, or that of your children.

He still has "conditions" and that tells me he isn't ready. He's saying and doing what he feels is necessary to get his enabler back and for all to seem right to the outside world and be free to continue as he had before. It's up to you whether or not you put yourself and your children back in that madness and chaos.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:23 PM
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I am going to try and keep the seperation going, cause I know its for the best. I will have to sonn change my childrens school, which I hate to do because they have been there for over two years. If it's what I need to do, then I will do it.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:27 PM
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he has said he will not go to AA meetings because they will make him drink
People here on SR call that a 'quack.' It's one of those silly things alcoholics say. He's not serious about you, your marriage, your family, anything. He's married to drinking and that's his #1 love. Yes, detaching does seem cold, but it's necessary if you are going to avoid going further down the rabbit hole with him.

Read "Codependent No More," especially the chapter about detachment. It really helped me get my head wrapped around things. Also "Under The Influence" by Milam. After so many years of marriage, yes, it's really super hard to pull away. It's normal to have built a life around/with your spouse. The problem with alcoholism is that we also build our life around/with our spouse's alcoholism, and it gets all intertwined in a very skewed way. And that's not healthy for us, them, or the kids. Detachment, pulling away, letting go, disentangling all the pieces. It is very hard, painful, but totally necessary. I work at it every day. I see my AH some days and feel so conflicted inside --- longing, love, betrayal, desire, comfort, hurt, wishful thinking, hope. The only thing that is allowing me to survive this is to cultivate a sense of detachment from him and really focus on being a healthy woman and parent. In doing so I realized that it's been a long, long time since I've looked at things from a framework of "what would make me happy here?" Mostly it was doing for the kids, trying to keep the peace with my alcoholic, and looking like the perfect family to the outside world. It's truly liberating when you start to have glimpses of feeling content. They will be elusive at first, and you are in for a rocky road. No matter, keep slogging forward. Go to Al Anon too (sitting in a room with people who "get" it is helpful). You'll realize that you have been so far removed from real happiness for so long, that you've forgotten what it feels like. The only way to truly walk your own path is to let your husband walk his own, on his own.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:00 PM
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In my experience, it's a ploy, just like you said. When I finally left over a year ago I said call me when you are 6 months sober, maybe we can talk about it then. He never did and still never is, sober.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:06 PM
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"He can't go to rehab because he has no insurance and says he will lose his house."

That's not true. Payment/funding options can be arranged, the person seeking treatment just has to talk to said rehab about it.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:23 PM
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He is white knuckling it, if he is not involved in a strong recovery program, he most likely will fail.

Alcoholics/addicts are master manipulators and will lie thru their teeth to get what they want.

If he is sober and working a strong recovery program, you might consider taking him back until then, I'd stay put.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, and, the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, everything posted applies to both, alcoholics & drug addicts.

I would also suggest that you attend Alanon meetings, it will help you to better understand codependency and his disease...which there is no cure for.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:41 PM
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My AH stopped drinking in a two week rehab after I left him the first time and filed for divorce. I let him move right back in. It took 4 months and he is still not drinking, but is angry, mean, grumpy, and worse then before. Also, said AA made him want to drink, therapy was a waste of time, and drinks non-alcoholic beer constantly. I left him again and am divorcing him. This time was alot harder on my kids. Stay seperated until you are sure. The kids are the ones who suffer. Best wishes!
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I know a month doesn't mean anything. He is making it so hard to stay away. Please help!!!!
Your right, a month doesnt mean anything.

I left my AH of 23yrs about 5 months ago, he told me 8 weeks later that he had reached his rockbottom, didnt want to lose me and was getting help for his drinking. He has been sober for 12 weeks. My AH is working hard on his recovery, he is different, nice to be around, seems to 'get it' and is saying and doing all the right things. My AH has not been to rehab or AA, he is on anti anxiety/depression medication through his doctor and seeing a therapist. He visits SR and reads books on alcoholism. He hasnt ruled out AA or getting further help if he should need it. He appears genuine about his recovery.

I have told him that I will never live with an active alcoholic ever again and the ball is in his court. It is still very early days for us and really its just a 'wait and see', 'time will tell' situation. Its our six months apart soon and I know I still dont feel ready to jump back into a full time relationship. I know that he doesnt either as his current focus is on his sobriety. Maybe we will reavaluate our living arrangments at the year mark when my AH has a good solid period of recovery under his belt. My AH is happy to do whatever it takes and however long it takes to make that happen. I have had no stipulations put on me.

If your AH is genuine about not drinking and not wanting to lose his family then he will do whatever it takes to not drink so that he can be with his family - there is no rush. Take the time-out to work on yourselves as individuals and give it some time.

My AH was verbally abusive and this eroded away at my self esteem over the years. It took 18 months of therapy, SR and Al-anon for me to realise that I was important and that my life was important and I deserved a much happier future. I am using the peace and serenity and time living on my own to work on me, so that I will be a much stronger, healthier person who can participate in a healthy relationship, whether that ends up being my AH or not.
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