Fenicfox

Hi, I would like to know what your opinion is to what I did tonight. I just told my ABF that I expect him to sleep where he lands. What I explained to him was that I don't want to sleep in the same bed as him if he is so drunk that he will pass out on the couch, I want him to stay there when he sobers up at well as like right now 3:33am. It is not because I am trying to be mean to him but I am tiered of being woken up with him stumbling into bed. If he goes to bed first and passes out diagonal across the bed, I will sleep on the couch instead of trying to get him to move (he weighs about 100lbs more than I do). I no longer want to fight for a good nights sleep so I will just stop sleeping with when I can tell I wont be comfortable. I feel I should also note that when he is very drunk he moves in his sleep and often I get woken up by him kicking, throwing his weight on me and taking over 3/4 of the bed. What is your opinion??? Should I have just kept doing it or was I right to speak up? I feel like I have mentioned the problems I have had sleeping with him so many times and he is passive and just apologizes then does the next thing the next night.

Opinions appreciated.

Pelican

I said something similiar to my XAH.

I meant it and locked the bedroom door.

I meant it and if he passed out in the bed before I went to bed, I slept on the couch or an air mattress.

I caution you on the locking of the bedroom door or anything similar. A drunk with anger issues can be very hazardous to your health. You may need to keep a phone on you to call for emergency assistance if there is an outburst.

Taking5

That is a very permissive boundary - you are still giving him permission to drink AND to come home. That is your call but you may consider setting a tougher boundary.

Eight Ball

Out of the 23yrs that I have been married to my AH, I am not kidding when I estimate that I have spent a number of years sleeping on the couch due to the unbearable loud snoring from my drunken husband. I complained, I punched, kicked and even pinched him out of sheer frustration of getting no sleep. Like the drinking, nothing worked and it made no difference. Eventually I would just get up and go and sleep on the settee and even then i could still hear him. My back would ache and some nights I got very little sleep. I even invested in a bed settee when the old settee needed replacing which made my sleep much more comfortable.

I finally left my AH about 5 months ago and I now sleep in my own double bed, sometimes on a side and sometimes spread across or in the middle. I sleep well. Just another benefit of not living with an active alcoholic.

Have you a spare room that you can take over? A pull out bed settee where you can be comfy? What about a boundary whereby you say that you will only sleep in the same bed, if he is in it before you? If he wants to climb into the bed following a night of drinking, then he will. Of course you can request that he doesn't but hes not going to remember that conversation if hes drunk and tired. Alcoholics are selfish and his needs will always trump yours.

Time for plan B?

dbh

When my mother and alcoholic father were together, they divorced 30+ years ago, he would often sleep on the couch.

When he was very drunk, he would sometimes have "accidents" on the couch. It was disgusting. Couldn't understand why my mother would ever want to share a bed with him.

Your request seems more than reasonable to me.

db

lillamy

I say good for you! You're setting a boundary. That's a good step!

winnie1202

I did the same thing for the months before my husband went to rehab. I slept in my son's room (at college) on the couch, wherever he wasn't. I couldn't stand the thrashing, snoring, smell of booze, etc. In fact when he was in rehab it was sooooo nice to be back in my own bed getting a good nights rest again. He is home now and we are sleeping in the same bed. He is a better sleeper now and so am I.

Tuffgirl

A few months of intermittent couch sleeping and I realized it was time for my own room. In my own house. Just sayin'!

alaskasunshine

When i drank I snored, loudly, and my b/f (we live together) could not sleep in the same room with me. One of the things that keeps me sober is remembering how it felt when I woke up alone in bed and my b/f asleep on the couch, knowing I had F*** up, again. Worst feeling in the world. Now I wake up in the middle of the night to HIS snoring, and I am happy!

GettingBy

I like the others, had all different versions of the "bedtime boundaries" over the last 6-7 years. I started with the "I don't want to sleep with you when your drunk - so please go on the couch!" boundary - which didn't work, because as someone pointed out - an intoxicated person isn't in their right mind to remember that!! I ended up just leaving the room and sleeping on the couch. That sucked so I eventually smarted up and set up a guest bed for myself

As time went on - I started spending more and more time in the guest bedroom - which, as Tuffgirl pointed out - has signalled to me the need for my own bedroom in ANOTHER HOUSE!!!

As a reminder - boundaries are to protect us - not to tell someone else what to do (that's a rule!). My boundary is I will do what I need to do to get a good night's sleep. I will not sleep in the same bed/room as a drunken person... or a sober snoring person for that matter!! My sleep is precious to me!

fedup3

In my case in order to finally get a good nights sleep I had to get a divorce.

jessiec

If you've told him, and he's not changing his behavior, you might have to change your tactic. Can you remove yourself from the situation (sleep somewhere else or lock the door)? I do not live with my ABF, and the few times I tried sleeping with him when he was drunk (because usually he'd pick a fight so I'd leave and he would drink more) were uncomfortable and upsetting. I hope you find a way to take care of you!

MsPINKAcres

AMEN - that was my case too!

for many many many reasons - snoring was just the tip of the iceberg!

marie1960

Sleeping with an intoxicated person is like allowing a bull to run thru a fine china gift store.

Truly, another example of how they screw up lives even while they are asleep.

I agree, my sleep is precious. I cannot function, think clear, or make decisions when I am tired.

Even a small crisis is difficult to process when we are sleep deprived. Urgh............

Sweet dreams Fenicfox.............

runningforlife

I agree with everyone. This was one of the more beneficial boundaries I was able to set when I was living with my ABF. I'm one who needs my sleep and start going crazy after several weeks of sleep deprivation. How are we supposed to handle life if we cannot recuperate through restful sleep? Living with an A entails having to pay extra special attention to ourselves, our choices, our boundaries, our well being, which makes getting enough sleep even more important.

My ABF would eat late at night before coming to bed and every night would spill food down his shirt (and I mean, LOTS of food...like saving some for a convenient midnight snack!), and then he would proceed to get into bed with his messy shirt. Yuck! I would wake up with food in my hair and all over the sheets. Sometimes I would wake up in a pool of his urine because he would **** the bed in his sleep. Luckily I had on a waterproof cover to keep the mattress warranty, but still....very unpleasant. He would look at me like a scolded puppy when I would demand that he take the bedding to the cleaners the next day. After a couple of times of being pissed on, I told him that he had a choice: he could either drink and sleep in the livingroom or stay sober and come to bed. Of course he wasn't coming to bed sober - just not drunk enough to **** the bed. And, as others mentioned, sleep for me was non existent. He would come to bed sometime after midnight, and I would have to get up and go out to make sure that nothing was on fire, that the door was closed and locked, that the lights were off, etc. And the smell of the alcohol was awful. I didn't want to be near him. I never felt so lonely lying in bed next to the person I love but having him not really be there. The day he moved out was so sad and difficult for me (because I still love him dearly) but that sadness was temporarily replaced by excitement of being able to finally sleep! I remember thinking how healthy I was going to be now that I can sleep uninterrupted, not have to worry, feel secure in my space, etc.

Sleep is a basic human need. You need it. And you need to do what you have to to protect this for yourself. So many of our needs are just not able to be met when living with an active A. Sleep shouldn't be one that we have to part with.

Hugs to you!

outtolunch

1) Lock the bedroom door, or
2) Move out, or
3) Repeat the same behavior and expect a different result This and sleep depravation will put you in the loony bin.