Why does recovery hurt more??......confused

Old 10-24-2011, 08:23 PM
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Why does recovery hurt more??......confused

Hi, I am would be so grateful to get your comments on understanding what happens to someone when they go into recovery?

A bit about my situation. Me best friend and on again off again relationship for the last 10 years has been a binge drinker. I have been the closest person in his life, and we have shared a very deep bond and love. Thru the years, due to his addiction, he would shutdown emotionally and we would separate as was too painful for me. Somehow something would always bring us back together and there has been so much love that our relationship would always become more than friends. In 10 years we haven't been able to control having a physical relationship unless he was in shutdown mode.

He has told me for years I am the love of his life. He has moved across country to be near me. Due to his addiction, our relationship has always been confusing, and undefined.

This summer after I distanced myself since his addiction got bad. He reached out to me asking for help. He went to rehab for a month, quit his job and now has been back for 2 months. He is completely dedicated to AA, mtgs 1 to 3 times a day. Phone calls, coffee mtgs daily with AA members.

Now the part that is causing me so much pain! The whole time he was in rehab and for the 6 weeks he came back, he was so loving, seemed very warm, balanced, and put in so much effort to express his love and desire to spend his life with me. He was so affectionate, kind, gentle.

The last 3 weeks almost overnight this has changed. He feels like the guy he was when he would go into shutdown mode. He is cold to me, he doesnt call as much, doesn't have this strong desire to spend time with me. Few months back I told him how I can't wait for him and am going to start dating other people. That would bother him. But now he is very much encouraging me that I should. How AA says he can't be in a relationship for a year. He says he is the best he has ever been. Quit smoking and drinking. He isn't working right now as wants to fix all the issues in his life including wrist problems that would make him feel bad.

So he is very focused on himself and his life. I get it that al anon says the same for me, I am and do take care of myself. But I just don't get this. I started getting upset at his coldness so he said that it could be an expectation thing since we have this physical relationship. So he said we should remove that and just be friends. So that is how it is now. We have hung out the last 3 times, and absolutely zero affection. He doesn't even seem like there is any difficulty in him not touching me! For 10 years he hasn't ever been able to keep his hands off me. Up until 3 weeks ago, he was so affectionate and loving.

Now suddenly it is this distant feeling casual friendship. Instead of the loving best friends we have always been. I keep expressing my discontent but is going on deaf ears. He doesn't seem phased or like he cares at all about my issue with the lack of warmth.

Would so help me to understand all better? What has happened as he is getting more distance from the substances? Why and how do different? He says he is best he has ever been. But all I see is this zombie. He is all into community service now, wanting to tutor, volunteer, but he feels so cold, don.t get it!

Pls help!
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:23 PM
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I'm new and don't have any valuable insight. I just want to say I'm sorry you are having to feel feelings of neglect/rejection.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by rosie323 View Post
Few months back I told him how I can't wait for him and am going to start dating other people.
Based on the brief description you offered of this relationship, it sounds toxic. A bit like a game of push me - pull me.

I think it may be time to follow-through on your ultimatum.

Is it painful to end a relationship, even the toxic ones, yes! There is a normal grieving process. Sometimes it is grieving the fantasy of what could have been.

I wish you the best as you continue to work on your recovery from an alcoholic relationship.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:15 AM
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It is very painful to feel like you are being pushed aside. It happened to me in my relationship with my RA friend; he chose not to contact me for a while, and because we've known each other for a long time and shared much, it was upsetting to me. But I have learned that recovery is ultimately about them and not about us; your friend is apparently doing what he feels is best for him right now. It's hard and yes, it hurts. But if you do want to stay in the relationship, you have to try and give him his space, get rid of your expectations of him (something that's verrrry hard for me!) and work on what is best for YOU.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:16 AM
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I would bet he has to focus all of his energy on just staying sober, and keeping himself in situations that don't cause undue stress and/or confusion.

If it is meant to be - it will be. In the meantime, go live your life. Have some faith in the process, and detach from his recovery and focus on yours.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I would bet he has to focus all of his energy on just staying sober, and keeping himself in situations that don't cause undue stress and/or confusion.

If it is meant to be - it will be. In the meantime, go live your life. Have some faith in the process, and detach from his recovery and focus on yours.
I have to agree with TG. Work on your own recovery and as for the relationship let go and let god.

Your friend,
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:24 AM
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People think drunks come out of rehabs happy people with no problems. Not true. It can take some people years to get their act together. It's a very good think your friend is focused on AA because this is a life and death disease. So, let him go for a while, check back in a few months. This has to be about his alcoholism or he won't stay sober.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:19 AM
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Hi Rosie,

Each situation is going to be different. Some people recover from alcoholism and want to return to their lives as they once knew them. Others (many who have been struggling their entire adult lives) don't have a frame of reference on *before* and need to start anew and learn who they really are, what their values are, and what they want to do with their life.

I know that may sound dramatic, but for someone who has been struggling with the alcohol demon for 10, 20 years - the change is truly that dramatic.

I applaud your friend for taking his sobriety this seriously. With his level of activity focused on his own recovery as well as helping others - it shows that this has become the top, if not #1, priority in his life.

It is very possible that he needs to break from the past in order to break free from old habits and triggers. This is nothing you caused, you can't cure it, and you can't control it - it is just part of his recovery, which he has to own (and sounds like he is doing just that).

Let it go, give him time to heal, and if it was meant to be, it will happen.
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