Getting relaxed in recovery just after 7week??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Getting relaxed in recovery just after 7week??
AH has been using pills for 10+ years. His addiction was exposed about 2 years ago. At that point he got clean and stayed clean for about 14 months and then he relapsed. He relapsed for about a month and has now been clean for 7 weeks. The first time he got clean he said he could do it all by himself. He did get a DUI so he was court ordered to attend meetings and such, but he never really wanted to talk about it.
Well this time around I told him I wanted a divorce. Well to make a long story short he said he had hit his rock bottom and the thought of loosing his family blah blah blah you all now the drill. So I said OK we will keep the "conversation open" about staying together but I really need to see his actions match his words. So for the last couple weeks thats what I have done. I have detached myself and have just been kinda seeing what he was going to do ON HIS OWN.
He started off good. For the first month he went to meetings 4 or 5 times a week. I spoke to him about his meeting every now and then and he seemed like he had a whole new perspective about what he needed to do to have a better life. He asked one of the group leaders to be his sponsor and the guy told him that if he was to accept that AH had to call him every day for 30 days before he would agree to sponsor him. So AH did call everyday for the first couple weeks and now he has only been calling him about 1 time a week. He also mentioned to me that he was going to go out with some of his co-workers this Friday after work, which means he is going to go to a bar. Uuugg as I type this I am seeing the writing on the wall, but I will proceed.
My first reaction is that he is getting relaxed because he has not really surrendered and he still thinks he can "control it". I want to talk to him about what I have seen, however I also want to continue to see his actions to see how he is going to handle himself without me "telling him" what I think would be acceptable behavior.
I know his recovery is his and it willl happen in its own time and way. Should I say something? Should I just sit back and watch to see what his true actions will be? Is it fair to say that maybe he just needs some encouragement? Is it more likely that he is just falling off the band wagon because he was just doing all of this to please me?
I guess this all boils down to my boundary. Is it a fair boundary for me to tell him he must be working a program? I feel that for it to be this early in the game and he is already slacking that it just speaks volumes about his dedication.
Please give me your input! Am I on the right page here? Sometimes I feel that I can't even trust my own judgment I have been on this roller coaster for so long.
Well this time around I told him I wanted a divorce. Well to make a long story short he said he had hit his rock bottom and the thought of loosing his family blah blah blah you all now the drill. So I said OK we will keep the "conversation open" about staying together but I really need to see his actions match his words. So for the last couple weeks thats what I have done. I have detached myself and have just been kinda seeing what he was going to do ON HIS OWN.
He started off good. For the first month he went to meetings 4 or 5 times a week. I spoke to him about his meeting every now and then and he seemed like he had a whole new perspective about what he needed to do to have a better life. He asked one of the group leaders to be his sponsor and the guy told him that if he was to accept that AH had to call him every day for 30 days before he would agree to sponsor him. So AH did call everyday for the first couple weeks and now he has only been calling him about 1 time a week. He also mentioned to me that he was going to go out with some of his co-workers this Friday after work, which means he is going to go to a bar. Uuugg as I type this I am seeing the writing on the wall, but I will proceed.
My first reaction is that he is getting relaxed because he has not really surrendered and he still thinks he can "control it". I want to talk to him about what I have seen, however I also want to continue to see his actions to see how he is going to handle himself without me "telling him" what I think would be acceptable behavior.
I know his recovery is his and it willl happen in its own time and way. Should I say something? Should I just sit back and watch to see what his true actions will be? Is it fair to say that maybe he just needs some encouragement? Is it more likely that he is just falling off the band wagon because he was just doing all of this to please me?
I guess this all boils down to my boundary. Is it a fair boundary for me to tell him he must be working a program? I feel that for it to be this early in the game and he is already slacking that it just speaks volumes about his dedication.
Please give me your input! Am I on the right page here? Sometimes I feel that I can't even trust my own judgment I have been on this roller coaster for so long.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Hi...
I think it is a fair boundary to ask that you partner be sober and in recovery (not just white knuckling it) if that is what you need. After many false starts, I've asked my partner to be active in recovery - I don't get to dictate how she puts that into place. It could be an IOP, secular support, AA, whatever. All I ask is that she's doing *something*. I am not willing to continue a relationship with an active addict. I know from our experience that if she is not working a program, it doesn't take her long to fall into old ways.
I think it is a fair boundary to ask that you partner be sober and in recovery (not just white knuckling it) if that is what you need. After many false starts, I've asked my partner to be active in recovery - I don't get to dictate how she puts that into place. It could be an IOP, secular support, AA, whatever. All I ask is that she's doing *something*. I am not willing to continue a relationship with an active addict. I know from our experience that if she is not working a program, it doesn't take her long to fall into old ways.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
:codiepolice
His 'program' or 'lack of program' is HIS.
Yours is yours.
Telling him again won't do a damn bit of good and only frustrate you.
Please continue to work on you and stand back and WATCH his ACTIONS. You will get your answer.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
His 'program' or 'lack of program' is HIS.
Yours is yours.
Telling him again won't do a damn bit of good and only frustrate you.
Please continue to work on you and stand back and WATCH his ACTIONS. You will get your answer.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Cynical yes I am working my recovery. I go to naranon meetings and I see a counselor every week. I am trying to follow what has been advised and what fits for me in my life. I feel dedicated to my recovery and I am trying to do everything I can to better my situation. I feel that it is a matter of life or death for me and that is why I don't understand his lack of dedication. I feel that our families well being is riding on whether he and I can figure this all out and try and mend things. So because it is so important it is disheartening to see him slack off.
I am not focusing on what he is doing. Actually yesterday I was talking to my sister and she asked me how AH was doing. She asked if he was going to his meetings and such and I honestly didn't even know. I had to stop and think a minute if I remembered him going at all. Once she brought it up I then starting thinking back and realized he had not really been going. So I def don't think I am dwelling on this, but I believe it is smart to pay attention occasionally to see how he's doing!
So last night I did casually ask him how his meetings were going. He said ok . . I asked him when the last time he had went was and he paused and said hhmm idk when was it. I laughed and I said idk when did you go to a meeting last. He thought for a min. and then said last Thurs. he said well we have been busy lately. I then asked him if he was still calling the group leader and he said he was but not as much. He said he didn't find it helpful to call him . . . that they really didn't talk about anything so he hasn't been calling as much. I asked him if he still wanted him to be his sponsor . . he said he didn't know. (he is always very laid back about everything) I kept the conversation very light and tried not to cast judgment. I didn't recommend anything or freak out. It was just very matter a fact.
I honestly was a little bothered by it though. I can't believe he asked ME when was the last time HE went to a meeting. Like I'm his freaking secretary or something wth!! LOL I didn't say any of that nor did I let it show that I felt that way but that is def what I wanted to scream!
He also added that he is still clean. The way he said it made me think he was implying that he is clean so his meetings and sponsor don't really matter.
Notsosmart from my experience it doesn't take long for my AH to fall back also if he is not working a program. That is the hardest part though because I find myself falling back to my codie way and "monitoring" him and then wanting to make suggestions when I really need to just "let him go".
It's so hard to not try and help. If I see him slipping back to old ways I want to say something and bring it to his attention. Is that really so bad?
On the same note I find myself slipping too. I find myself saying oh it's ok if he only goes to meetings every once in awhile. . . oh it's ok if he doesn't have a sponsor. . . . Oh he won't do drugs again . . he has learned this time. I guess these are all things I WANT to believe. I WANT to be true. This is really hard to balance and stay aware. I want to stay strong and keep to my boundaries. I don't want to be caught off guard again. I want to be aware and well equipped.
Laurie you are right. I do need to stand back and continue to watch and more importantly know how to handle it and not sweep it under the rug.
A quote comes to mind after just writing that: When someone shows you who they are . . believe them. ~Maya Angelou
I am not focusing on what he is doing. Actually yesterday I was talking to my sister and she asked me how AH was doing. She asked if he was going to his meetings and such and I honestly didn't even know. I had to stop and think a minute if I remembered him going at all. Once she brought it up I then starting thinking back and realized he had not really been going. So I def don't think I am dwelling on this, but I believe it is smart to pay attention occasionally to see how he's doing!
So last night I did casually ask him how his meetings were going. He said ok . . I asked him when the last time he had went was and he paused and said hhmm idk when was it. I laughed and I said idk when did you go to a meeting last. He thought for a min. and then said last Thurs. he said well we have been busy lately. I then asked him if he was still calling the group leader and he said he was but not as much. He said he didn't find it helpful to call him . . . that they really didn't talk about anything so he hasn't been calling as much. I asked him if he still wanted him to be his sponsor . . he said he didn't know. (he is always very laid back about everything) I kept the conversation very light and tried not to cast judgment. I didn't recommend anything or freak out. It was just very matter a fact.
I honestly was a little bothered by it though. I can't believe he asked ME when was the last time HE went to a meeting. Like I'm his freaking secretary or something wth!! LOL I didn't say any of that nor did I let it show that I felt that way but that is def what I wanted to scream!
He also added that he is still clean. The way he said it made me think he was implying that he is clean so his meetings and sponsor don't really matter.
Notsosmart from my experience it doesn't take long for my AH to fall back also if he is not working a program. That is the hardest part though because I find myself falling back to my codie way and "monitoring" him and then wanting to make suggestions when I really need to just "let him go".
It's so hard to not try and help. If I see him slipping back to old ways I want to say something and bring it to his attention. Is that really so bad?
On the same note I find myself slipping too. I find myself saying oh it's ok if he only goes to meetings every once in awhile. . . oh it's ok if he doesn't have a sponsor. . . . Oh he won't do drugs again . . he has learned this time. I guess these are all things I WANT to believe. I WANT to be true. This is really hard to balance and stay aware. I want to stay strong and keep to my boundaries. I don't want to be caught off guard again. I want to be aware and well equipped.
Laurie you are right. I do need to stand back and continue to watch and more importantly know how to handle it and not sweep it under the rug.
A quote comes to mind after just writing that: When someone shows you who they are . . believe them. ~Maya Angelou
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by karrie1207 
I guess this all boils down to my boundary. Is it a fair boundary for me to tell him he must be working a program?
Attemps to control other people begin with "you will/will not ...or else". Attempts to control other people fail and then we tend to become the broken record , usually escalating in loudness.
Truth is, he is going to do what he wants to do, regardless of your boundaries or attempts to control him.
"I will not live with someone in active addiction" is an example of a healthy boundary. If you find yourself living with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility for your boundary and remove yourself from the situation.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He has been using for a long time, thus recovery is more difficult. IMO, unless he is embracing a strong monitored program, with a sponser, his chances of staying sober for life are very slim.
A committment to a drug user is a lifelong one, as, there is no cure for this disease, fewer than 10% make it sober for life, not good odds, relapses are common.
So, the question is...what do you want out of life? Are you ready to ride the rollercoaster
for the rest of your life with him?
Bounderies are set in place for your protection, they are simple, "I will not" and they require follow through if they are overstepped, if you do not follow through, all they become are idle threats. And, addicts love idle threats, it gives them all the power if they know that the boundry setter is just bumping their gums, the addict will roll right over them. Not a good thing.
Pay attention to his actions, skip the words, from an addict they mean nothing.
A committment to a drug user is a lifelong one, as, there is no cure for this disease, fewer than 10% make it sober for life, not good odds, relapses are common.
So, the question is...what do you want out of life? Are you ready to ride the rollercoaster
for the rest of your life with him?
Bounderies are set in place for your protection, they are simple, "I will not" and they require follow through if they are overstepped, if you do not follow through, all they become are idle threats. And, addicts love idle threats, it gives them all the power if they know that the boundry setter is just bumping their gums, the addict will roll right over them. Not a good thing.
Pay attention to his actions, skip the words, from an addict they mean nothing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He's an addict, doing what addicts do. You shouldn't be surprised. Look at his history. I know you wish your reality was different. But it's not. I'm glad you are facing your problems on with counseling and a 12 step program so that you can move forward and make what you want out of your life. That's all you can control.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by dollydo
He has been using for a long time, thus recovery is more difficult. IMO, unless he is embracing a strong monitored program, with a sponser, his chances of staying sober for life are very slim.
A committment to a drug user is a lifelong one, as, there is no cure for this disease, fewer than 10% make it sober for life, not good odds, relapses are common.
So, the question is...what do you want out of life? Are you ready to ride the rollercoaster
for the rest of your life with him?
Bounderies are set in place for your protection, they are simple, "I will not" and they require follow through if they are overstepped, if you do not follow through, all they become are idle threats. And, addicts love idle threats, it gives them all the power if they know that the boundry setter is just bumping their gums, the addict will roll right over them. Not a good thing.
Pay attention to his actions, skip the words, from an addict they mean nothing.
A committment to a drug user is a lifelong one, as, there is no cure for this disease, fewer than 10% make it sober for life, not good odds, relapses are common.
So, the question is...what do you want out of life? Are you ready to ride the rollercoaster
for the rest of your life with him?
Bounderies are set in place for your protection, they are simple, "I will not" and they require follow through if they are overstepped, if you do not follow through, all they become are idle threats. And, addicts love idle threats, it gives them all the power if they know that the boundry setter is just bumping their gums, the addict will roll right over them. Not a good thing.
Pay attention to his actions, skip the words, from an addict they mean nothing.
Thank you dollydo. I value your wisdom.
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