sardineta

My (looking like an imminent ex-) partner and I are both ACA.

Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.

But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.

It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.

When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.

I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?

GingerM

I wouldn't call it the end or beginning, I would call it a sticky spot. Have you considered couples therapy, or has she already shot that down?

On the surface, it sounds like a needs conflict. She needs to bring her wine to bed, you need to not have it in your sanctuary. Resolving needs conflicts is a very tricky business, usually best facilitated by a neutral third party.

All of the A's in my life drank far more than 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine per night. I had always heard told that the definition of an alcoholic is someone who can't get by without the alcohol. Given that different people have different tolerance, perhaps her wine consumption is not enough to make her dependent on it. Perhaps it is. It certainly sounds like she's very emotionally attached to it.

It's my opinion that in any needs conflict, if the need of one person is damaging to the need of the other, then the other should give to the needs of the one being damaged. But that is only my opinion. Needs conflicts usually are far more complicated and have many more things lying underneath them than a simple "I want X, partner wants Y".

This probably wasn't what you were expecting as a reply, since it really doesn't answer your question, but I hope it helps anyway.

Willybluedog

IMO you are getting alcoholic BS, she needs her routine and that routine is most of a bottle of wine a night.

Can she stop for a day, a week, a month?

My mom started out couple glasses in the evening before bed, then over the years she escalated until she reached six bottles a night, after a major throw down with my dad she is down to three bottles a night even though her heart doctor say one glass a night max.

Your issues with alcohol are not neuroses, she idoes not respect your feelings and is using this as a club to get her way, if she must drink she at least ought to be able to keep it in the living room.

I do agree with Ginger, couples counseling will help you move forward, I also hope you will find an al-anon meeting and start attending asap, it may help you deal with being an ACOA and partner of someone who has issues with alcohol.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

PaperDolls

I used that excuse in my drinking days for a long time. It was a BS excuse.

How much is too much?
I'm one who believes there is no set amount an alcoholic drinks that makes them an alcoholic. To me, it's the negative consequences that go along with their drinking.

A question for you: How much is too much .... meaning, what do you want to "put up" with?

As difficult as it is, it might be time to focus on what you can do for yourself (and your child) rather than what you can do for her.

NeverQuit

The term "High Functioning Alcoholic" was suggested by a therapist for my wife's ability to drink alone at home, 1 1/3 bottles of wine on 4-5 nights a week for her "stress" and throw in a few beers when out for "un-Happy Hour" with friends... and occasionally some whiskey for her "upset stomach."

Alcohol dependent? Yes
Alcoholic? Only a matter of definition.

She can binge drink till she blacks out a couple times a month and does not have to face her memories in the morning. Alcoholic?

I guess I have a lot of issues with labels and definitions. Do they really matter or is the self destructive behavior and it's effects on loved ones the key measure?

Fortunately we have separate rooms when necessary and hers is usually the one with the sofa she passes out on.

We both come from hard drinking families and we both resented our fathers' drinking. Her siblings tell me that she now is exactly like her dad was with his drinking. He died young.

My therapist told me that it is not unusual for children of alcoholics to marry an alcoholic even though they hated this behavior in their parents. It must be so. I did it twice. With similar levels of happiness and by that I mean "very little happiness."

jOSE2

She is protecting her drinking,-'I call it the pencil trick'-trying to put the blame back onto you.
Hard one to solve-just becoming aware helped me,Al-anon and ACoA helped me with that one

GingerM

There are plenty of people in this world who display all of the behaviors of an alcoholic without drinking at all. Some call them "dry drunks." The issue is the behavior patterns, not so much the "how much" alcohol they consume.

In this case, it sounds as if the partner's behavior is destructive to the relationship. Substitute "lets the dog sleep on the bed" for "drinks wine" and the same needs conflict and same ugly behaviors would still be there. Same root cause, no matter what's driving the behavior.

Jasmine2011

She sounds very selfish to me. You need to give her an ultimatum.