I don't know where to start: am I over-reacting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 4
I don't know where to start: am I over-reacting?
My (looking like an imminent ex-) partner and I are both ACA.
Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.
But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.
It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.
When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.
I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?
Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.
But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.
It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.
When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.
I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Wales, UK
Posts: 27
You need to appeal to her as a fellow addict I think, and I'm no expert.
Tell her that although you are happy that her routine seems to be helping her, it's not helping you, and that you feel it's a real threat to your sobriety and health.
If she cares about your wellbeing then surely she'll listen. If not, well I can't advise you on that I'm afraid.
All the best.
P.S. You are not over reacting.
Tell her that although you are happy that her routine seems to be helping her, it's not helping you, and that you feel it's a real threat to your sobriety and health.
If she cares about your wellbeing then surely she'll listen. If not, well I can't advise you on that I'm afraid.
All the best.
P.S. You are not over reacting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
welcome sardineta 
well she's drinking way in excess of what are moderate guidelines, but I think you know that and she admits that anyway.
It doesn't sound by your post like she wants to change.
maybe you need to think about your needs and your boundaries and what's exactly acceptable to you and what's not...I think you're heading along this road already.
I see you've posted in our ACOA and Family and Friends of Alcoholics forums too - you may get some answers there too
D
well she's drinking way in excess of what are moderate guidelines, but I think you know that and she admits that anyway.
It doesn't sound by your post like she wants to change.
maybe you need to think about your needs and your boundaries and what's exactly acceptable to you and what's not...I think you're heading along this road already.
I see you've posted in our ACOA and Family and Friends of Alcoholics forums too - you may get some answers there too
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Unfortunately it seems to be a case of everyman for themselves. We hope, in our lifetime, to find a partner, a REAL partner, in all senses of the term. but that does not always happen.
She is attending to her issues in a manner she sees fit, you MUST do the same. I can't analyze her decisions toward her own drinking, nor even towards you. It hurts, why she does them or if she has justification to are issues that are not mine to address. Your pain is real and valid. You have a reasonable need, and it appears she is not able to meet it.
Recovery, like addiction itself, sends tenticles into all areas of our lives, making changes, opening our eyes, etc. The good news is that when we DO recover, all areas of our lives feel the healing effects of it, but the messy parts...sometimes cause losses we'd rather not face.
I am facing a whole heaping steaming pile of painful loss myself right now, so I do empathize with your situation, but going backwards really isn't a solution.
Once upon a time booze was our friend. Then our relationsihp turned sick and we needed to part ways. Sometimes that happens with people too, and while it seems we SHOULD be able to work it out, being adults, and having "choice", often we cannot.
If she is an addict, and she is not yet able to accept or address it, she is not going to e comfortable accepting and addressing yours either. Co dependency! OUCh
take care of yourself, put your recovery first. if you two are able to work things out the relationship will benefit from your sobriety.
She is attending to her issues in a manner she sees fit, you MUST do the same. I can't analyze her decisions toward her own drinking, nor even towards you. It hurts, why she does them or if she has justification to are issues that are not mine to address. Your pain is real and valid. You have a reasonable need, and it appears she is not able to meet it.
Recovery, like addiction itself, sends tenticles into all areas of our lives, making changes, opening our eyes, etc. The good news is that when we DO recover, all areas of our lives feel the healing effects of it, but the messy parts...sometimes cause losses we'd rather not face.
I am facing a whole heaping steaming pile of painful loss myself right now, so I do empathize with your situation, but going backwards really isn't a solution.
Once upon a time booze was our friend. Then our relationsihp turned sick and we needed to part ways. Sometimes that happens with people too, and while it seems we SHOULD be able to work it out, being adults, and having "choice", often we cannot.
If she is an addict, and she is not yet able to accept or address it, she is not going to e comfortable accepting and addressing yours either. Co dependency! OUCh
take care of yourself, put your recovery first. if you two are able to work things out the relationship will benefit from your sobriety.
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