Just beginning to change myself...

Old 10-23-2011, 06:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Becki67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Just beginning to change myself...

I have posted my story on here over a year ago but need some insight tonight. It was a bad weekend with the ABF. Friday, he spent the entire night drinking and woke me up because he fell asleep on his socks and swears that the kids put them there while he was sleeping.

Saturday, a group of us (mostly all kids) all went to the haunted house...which is a family tradition and myself and all the kids love doing. The ABF drank two drinking glasses full of jaegermeister and downed a flask of tequila on the way. Halfway through he falls down, he falls into everyone, and is just obnoxious. Something inside me just broke apart. I haven't spoken a word to him today and have spent the entire time he's been awake (5 pm this afternoon) reading an entire book and taking a bath. I've been crying off and on because I know I have to go. I can't do this. I've been with him 7 years and have lived with all the standard situations that I read on here.

I'm so angry and am going to find an Al Anon meeting this week. I'm pretty good at detaching but it's an angry detachment. I shoot him dirty looks all the time and short answers. How do I do this until I can move out? Can someone give me some ideas until I can go to this meeting?
Becki67 is offline  
Old 10-23-2011, 08:29 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Becki, hugs! I've been at the end of my rope with my ABF (never sure how he would act; anxious about scenes like the ones you described). It's such a painful and stressful way to live. I'm new at this and really have no answers. I just wanted to wish you peace and strength. I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting and found it very comforting. God bless!
jessiec is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 02:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Sometimes Becki67, I personally have had to detach with anger first,this in my experience is the hurt I felt,and I had to work through all these very frightening emotions which I hadnt expressed for years.Alanon helped me get back me, my self esteem and my self worth.,and that I wasnt alone with all these feelings,everybody else has had them too- take care of yourself.
Jose2
jOSE2 is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:43 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Becki67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Thank you...it's a horrible way to live..and I'm sad that I have no choice but to leave. It's a hard thing to see and watch a person you've loved so long go through it and I have trouble understanding why he can't just quit. It's hard not to be so angry at all he's put everyone through.
Becki67 is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 04:05 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eight Ball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I too, detached with anger. I left my AH of 23yrs about 5 months ago. I was very angry with him when I left but most of all, I was done. I couldn't take living with an active alcoholic anymore. It took 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR for me to realise that I was important and deserved so much more from my life.

This anger helped me to detach and go no contact from my AH and it protected me, in a way, whilst I began to put healthier emotions and actions in place. Of course anger isn't a very healthy emotion, but if that's what it takes to get to a healthier place then I would do it again.

Sorry, I didnt answer your questions! I stayed angry but basically lived a separate life under the same roof until I found a place to move into. (about 2 months) I moved into a spare bedroom and stayed out of AH way as much as possible. He was cooking me teas and asking me about my day for a while before I left, I kept to simple chit chat, or would respond to his questions but not carry on conversations. The night before I left he was asking me for cuddles and sex and said that we would always be friends. I declined and told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, once I left. He was shocked because he thought that we would still be friends but I was so angry, I said that friends dont do what he has done to me and I didn't want friends in my life like that.

By the way - Al-anon will help.

Last edited by Eight Ball; 10-24-2011 at 04:13 AM. Reason: answer questions!
Eight Ball is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 04:49 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Becki67's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Thank you. We have been sleeping separately for the past six months but we've still done everything else together. I'll just have to stay away from him totally. I am going to try to speak to an attorney sometime this week. The home loan is in my name and I don't know what to do with that. I don't want the home anymore. I want my own place.

I am feeling a glimmer of hope underneath all this sadness. Hope for a peaceful and normal life again.
Becki67 is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 04:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, if you are still angry and doing the same things you were doing a year ago, it is time to leave. What have you done in the last year or so to prepare for the move?

The children living in the home do not deserve to be exposed to this toxic enviorment. It is
very determental to their well being. Children carry their childhood into adulthood. It just isn't fair to them to continue letting this situation drag on.

He cannot and will not quit until he reaches his bottom and embraces a strong recovery program, and, then there are no guarantees that he will stay sober for life. Very few do.
This is a chronic disease that has no cure, and if he continues what he is doing he very well may end up dead.

I posted awhile ago about my cousin, "He has a death wish", been drinking for 50 years or longer, he will die soon, all because of alcohol and heavy smoking. He did this to himself, the family, including me, all had to detach and go forward with our lives. It was he or us, we chose us.

This has been going on for a long time, might be time to move out and on with your life. If not for you, for the children.
dollydo is offline  
Old 10-24-2011, 05:19 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eight Ball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by Becki67 View Post
I am going to try to speak to an attorney sometime this week.

I am feeling a glimmer of hope underneath all this sadness. Hope for a peaceful and normal life again.
An attorney is a good idea, it will help you move forward.

I did lots of planning and making lists whilst 'hold up' in the spare bedroom. My AH would fall asleep and go to bed early (about 8) so I would 'prowl' around the house making lists of possessions etc and making copies of important paperwork.

My life has completely changed for the better, making the very difficult decision to leave after 23yrs of marriage. It is peaceful, I am slowly getting healthier and its the best thing I have ever done.

Nothing changes if nothing changes!
Eight Ball is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:14 AM.