Third time is a charm and darn well better be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 29
Third time is a charm and darn well better be.
After two partially successful cold turkey home detoxes about 3 months ago and about 4 weeks ago. I fell down hard last week. I am once again on day 1 of cold turkey. Tried tapering Thursday - Saturday. Got so sick I couldn't do it. The last two times I made it to day 11, had an irrational sense of well-being (probably bogus pink cloud). After that I was once again 'cured' and proceeded to go through 5 liters of 100 proof and 40 beers in 4 days. I don't black out or pass out when I drink. Never been in legal or marital trouble. I've been drinking for over 20 years. Over the last 5 years I begin to say to myself whoa dude, better slow it down. Over the past two years and especially the last 12 months the amounts and frequency have been totally out of control. I started working my business at home and would drink from 6AM to midnight and not get anything done because I wouldn't/couldn't work while intoxicated.
Now my business is in serious trouble because I can't concentrate and I can't meet deadlines. I realize I haven't had joy in my life in a number of years. I can't remember the last time I laughed or smiled and have run around with a constant look of horror. I know if it keeps up I will loose my wife even though she didn't seem to realize it had gotten so bad. I told her I was out of control and I didn't deserve to be around her or our kids if I don't fix me. Now that it is out of the bag I know I have a pretty good shot.
This detox is so much worse than the other two. I've never been so scared in my life. I have to sit down to urinate because I'm shaking like crazy. I have the most intense panic attacks, depression, and sense of doom. Can't stop throwing up. Screaming inside of my head. Blood pressure was scary high but it has went down a bit. Heart beating out of my chest or barely beating at all. Cold then hot sweats. Haven't slept... Not even for more than 5 minutes in the last 3 days. If I close my eyes I see scary stuff and have intensely loud audio hallucinations and dread. And they aren't saying nice things. Liver and kidneys hurt like crazy. Muscles all hurt but numb at the same time and very weak. I know I should have went to a GP or someone first but we loose our high deductible insurance and they pretty much want you to keep paying them but just about all internal organs are no longer covered. I know I am taking a huge risk. I've read everything I could on it and what I am doing is stupid but I believe it is necessary if I am to pull myself from the depths and still have things in place for the family.
Not that I would, but if I knew where to get some valium I probably would jump at the chance for these freaky panic attacks. Too bad 'someone has to know' and it goes in your records. I always prided myself on never trying or using any drugs. Jokes on me, I picked the worst one.
Thanks for being here people. I've been lurking for a few months to gather strength. I know this will get better because although I'm 99% confident I am going to die if I close my eyes I've been through it before and 1% of me still believes by day 7 I wont be throwing up or sure I am dying and by day 10 or 11 I will wake up and have the slightest glimmer of hope. I'm not much for going to AA, but I have a couple of friends that have successfully gotten off the sauce without AA, and I know I can use them as 'sponsors' in addition to the things in SR and other resources.
I can't wait until I don't feel doom and horror. The drinking got rid of all those feelings but made me lazy and sick as a cut cat. I know I've got a nasty long road ahead and have likely altered my brain structure and chemistry so badly it will take at least a year or more. I just need some semblance of ambition to come back long before that so we don't loose it all.
Now my business is in serious trouble because I can't concentrate and I can't meet deadlines. I realize I haven't had joy in my life in a number of years. I can't remember the last time I laughed or smiled and have run around with a constant look of horror. I know if it keeps up I will loose my wife even though she didn't seem to realize it had gotten so bad. I told her I was out of control and I didn't deserve to be around her or our kids if I don't fix me. Now that it is out of the bag I know I have a pretty good shot.
This detox is so much worse than the other two. I've never been so scared in my life. I have to sit down to urinate because I'm shaking like crazy. I have the most intense panic attacks, depression, and sense of doom. Can't stop throwing up. Screaming inside of my head. Blood pressure was scary high but it has went down a bit. Heart beating out of my chest or barely beating at all. Cold then hot sweats. Haven't slept... Not even for more than 5 minutes in the last 3 days. If I close my eyes I see scary stuff and have intensely loud audio hallucinations and dread. And they aren't saying nice things. Liver and kidneys hurt like crazy. Muscles all hurt but numb at the same time and very weak. I know I should have went to a GP or someone first but we loose our high deductible insurance and they pretty much want you to keep paying them but just about all internal organs are no longer covered. I know I am taking a huge risk. I've read everything I could on it and what I am doing is stupid but I believe it is necessary if I am to pull myself from the depths and still have things in place for the family.
Not that I would, but if I knew where to get some valium I probably would jump at the chance for these freaky panic attacks. Too bad 'someone has to know' and it goes in your records. I always prided myself on never trying or using any drugs. Jokes on me, I picked the worst one.
Thanks for being here people. I've been lurking for a few months to gather strength. I know this will get better because although I'm 99% confident I am going to die if I close my eyes I've been through it before and 1% of me still believes by day 7 I wont be throwing up or sure I am dying and by day 10 or 11 I will wake up and have the slightest glimmer of hope. I'm not much for going to AA, but I have a couple of friends that have successfully gotten off the sauce without AA, and I know I can use them as 'sponsors' in addition to the things in SR and other resources.
I can't wait until I don't feel doom and horror. The drinking got rid of all those feelings but made me lazy and sick as a cut cat. I know I've got a nasty long road ahead and have likely altered my brain structure and chemistry so badly it will take at least a year or more. I just need some semblance of ambition to come back long before that so we don't loose it all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 48
I just joined this site and your post is the first one I've read. My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you recover from this. Your family wants you to and so does everyone here. The best of luck and keep coming back (isn't that an AA saying?). Like I said, it's my first time on this site. I have made the decision today to stop drinking as well. It does me no good and it's been too long.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
Wow,
A lot going on here for sure. I know how you feel too. Unfortunately for alcoholics (I am one and have my own horror stories) we usually start drinking again as it is easier to cope that way, lest our dirty lil secret escape into the general populace. Especially when others depend on us to provide the support.
I was at the point as well where I could do it alone and keep my secret. But in all reality we hit bottom and then two things happen. One is we get better and I don't want to talk about the other.
So, I highly recommend that you see a Doctor and see really how bad off you are and seriously seek some supervised help to detox. After detox you can decide what you want to do that best fits your circumstance.
I applaud you posting this as it's the first real step in recovery.
Good luck
A lot going on here for sure. I know how you feel too. Unfortunately for alcoholics (I am one and have my own horror stories) we usually start drinking again as it is easier to cope that way, lest our dirty lil secret escape into the general populace. Especially when others depend on us to provide the support.
I was at the point as well where I could do it alone and keep my secret. But in all reality we hit bottom and then two things happen. One is we get better and I don't want to talk about the other.
So, I highly recommend that you see a Doctor and see really how bad off you are and seriously seek some supervised help to detox. After detox you can decide what you want to do that best fits your circumstance.
I applaud you posting this as it's the first real step in recovery.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 29
Thanks for the kind words folks. I will not start drinking again. I think the thing for me is that my wife knows now and I've come clean. I can't lie to myself if I can't lie to her. The blood pressure went down about 3 hours ago to what I would consider a nearly normal level based on research. I know I have one or two more rough nights with insomnia and panic attacks, but last time I went through this day 7 or 8 allowed a full night of sleep.
I did look through some of the other detox stories here and on other resources. And although mine are bad, others were way worse. I don't know how they made it. My wife is monitoring me though, and I'm checking blood pressure and heart rate every few hours. Funny, after posting much of my panic attacks went away leaving only the depression. It allowed the circular thoughts to focus a bit. I've never had the intense headaches during a detox either. No headache at all, just intense fog.
I did look through some of the other detox stories here and on other resources. And although mine are bad, others were way worse. I don't know how they made it. My wife is monitoring me though, and I'm checking blood pressure and heart rate every few hours. Funny, after posting much of my panic attacks went away leaving only the depression. It allowed the circular thoughts to focus a bit. I've never had the intense headaches during a detox either. No headache at all, just intense fog.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Worried for you rooblet. I do hope you'll seek help if need be.
Congratulations on seeing what needs to be done here - I hope you will stay quit this time, it's getting serious. I drank almost my whole life & I'm finally done, thanks to the support & encouragement I found here at SR. I hope you'll feel the same. You CAN do it this time, and have a whole new life - complete with hope and joy.
Congratulations on seeing what needs to be done here - I hope you will stay quit this time, it's getting serious. I drank almost my whole life & I'm finally done, thanks to the support & encouragement I found here at SR. I hope you'll feel the same. You CAN do it this time, and have a whole new life - complete with hope and joy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 29
I will if it gets bad. If my bp and heart rate starts going up again or if I start sweating like crazy. I did talk to a doctor friend of my wife's (off the record) to get solid information day before last. She said I should absolutely go in but knew I wouldn't. She gave me some danger ranges for me with the "if x happens you call an ambulance" Most of the really bad shakes and symptoms happened this morning through this late afternoon. I just managed to eat a peach and some asparagus and within 10 minutes the shakes are not terribly noticable unless I am trying to do something like hold a heavy jug of water. Still want to puke that food up like crazy though. Got to keep it down. I'm hitting b vitamins, electrolytes, water. The auditory stuff only happens when I close my eyes. Am I sleeping and not realizing it and just having horrible dreams? If I am I'm not asleep for more than a few seconds at a time as the evil digital clock continues to tell me.
I of course recommend nobody to do what I am doing. It is stupid, risky, and scary as hell. But what little logical part of my brain that is functioning knows I will be making another post on day 8 or 10. Then on day 30, 60, 90 etc....
I of course recommend nobody to do what I am doing. It is stupid, risky, and scary as hell. But what little logical part of my brain that is functioning knows I will be making another post on day 8 or 10. Then on day 30, 60, 90 etc....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,047
Rooblet, I really appreciate you posting but I think you're in dangerous territory (with self-detox). It is good however that you're being monitored and I hope closely because self-detox after all those years of drinking is going to be a very scary journey.
I really hope for this to work out for you Rooblet and I look forward to more posts by you.
I really hope for this to work out for you Rooblet and I look forward to more posts by you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Rooblet
I really recommend medical support. I didn't have any - I thought I'd be ok (done it a million times before right?) I ended up having a number of strokes.
I'm not trying to scare you - things like that don't happen to everyone - but please don't underestimate what could happen - you don't sound like you're doing well to me and your life's a lot more important than a deductible.
D
I really recommend medical support. I didn't have any - I thought I'd be ok (done it a million times before right?) I ended up having a number of strokes.
I'm not trying to scare you - things like that don't happen to everyone - but please don't underestimate what could happen - you don't sound like you're doing well to me and your life's a lot more important than a deductible.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 10-23-2011 at 06:16 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
You are in no position to contemplate whether or not you should go to AA.
You need to live through your detox first.
You need to go the the ER at your local hospital. I've gotten medical help with detox before and your detox experiences sound about 50 times more intense than mine.
You need to live through your detox first.
You need to go the the ER at your local hospital. I've gotten medical help with detox before and your detox experiences sound about 50 times more intense than mine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 29
Doing pretty good now on the spooky stuff. BP barely above normal. Heart rate normal. The tapering I attempted last week must have had an effect, although it didn't work to well for me for controlling severity. Almost like 4 days of the first time I did detox, only like it all occurred in a day and a half. Now just tired, feeling sick. Like a bad flu.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome rooblet -
Everyone's already talked about getting medical help, so I'll just say that I'm so glad you told your wife and that she's there with you. Glad you found this forum, too. I spent hours here each day for a while .... it was so comforting to be able to hear that "it gets better", "hang in there"...... I highly recommend it!
This is a life and death decision, as you know. I'm glad you're ready to stop. We're here to support you all the way!
Everyone's already talked about getting medical help, so I'll just say that I'm so glad you told your wife and that she's there with you. Glad you found this forum, too. I spent hours here each day for a while .... it was so comforting to be able to hear that "it gets better", "hang in there"...... I highly recommend it!
This is a life and death decision, as you know. I'm glad you're ready to stop. We're here to support you all the way!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 119
Welcome Rooblet... please take care of yourself... I seriously hope you will consider getting medical attention. Detox is nothing to take lightly. I will be watching for an update on you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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