Jealousy

Old 10-23-2011, 02:17 PM
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dbh
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Jealousy

Even after four years of recovery and many years of therapy I find myself to be a very jealous person. This is one of my character flaws that I would gladly give up.

I think it steams from the fact that it's still so difficult for me to trust someone 100%. Comes from a lifetime of lies and broken promises from my alcoholic father. I know I shouldn't project my father's lack of character onto my husband (who is a great guy). I just have this defense mechanism that still makes me look for lies and inconsistency.

I must be a joy to live with!

Trusting someone completely and totally leaves you open to be hurt. When you were hurt by one of the first people that you are suppose to be able to trust it's very hard to reclaim that sense of innocence again.

Thanks for letting me share.

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Old 10-23-2011, 03:47 PM
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Hello dbh

Originally Posted by dbh View Post
.... I think it steams from the fact that it's still so difficult for me to trust someone 100%.....
I don't trust people 100%. What I have learned in recovery is that trust is a two way street. I have to learn how to trust one little bit at a time, and the other person has to _earn_ that trust one little bit at a time.

Some people I trust with some things, other people with other things. There have been a few people that I have trust pretty close to 100%, let's say 99%. The only one that gets 100% trust is my HP.

My ex g/f is a recovering alkie/addict/over-eater. I trusted her with my life when I was in the hospital and she was making decisions for me. But I know that addiction is a powerful disease so I kept my medications in a lock box. That way there was no fear on my part, no temptation on her part.

I don't think it's fair to another human being if I place such a huge responsibility on them, that I will trust them 100%. I think I would be creating too big an expectation.

My mom is 98, and still very sharp when it comes to understanding people. I trust her completely when she gives me advice about others, but I don't trust her at all when she says she wants to drive my car !!!

Mike
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Old 10-23-2011, 05:35 PM
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I am not a jealous person, never have been. However, trust is another issue, I am very guarded when I first meet someone, and, even my family and old friends, only know what I want them to know. You can try to pump me all you want and I'll only share what I want to share.

Must have started in my children, living in the home from h@ll, can't shake it, and, really do not want to. My guarded behavior has saved me alot of grief.
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Old 10-23-2011, 06:43 PM
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I find myself feeling the exact same thing every week in some way or another. Still have a bit to go...
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:54 AM
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Its one emotion I dont fully understand...................but now that you have brought it up I'll have to look at it..................For me its very much connected.......or intertwined with resentment.
I have worked all my life....so when I see others that have as much or more than me....and dont work or Pay Taxes I get Angry or resentful..................not jealous.
If others have Bigger cars,Houses,Jobs,etc..............and have worked hard all there lives,I say fair play to them,They deserve it.

Im trying to stop thinking like this,when I cant do anything about.
I'm trying my best to be grateful for whet I have.
Mabie 'm luckier than most that I've always got work and can Pay my dues.
Im not the only one that earns an honest living.
Live and let live.
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Old 10-24-2011, 01:54 PM
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It is funny how things sort of pop into my conscientiousness and demand attention. I have this feeling that jealousy and trust is what I need to work on next.

I have known my husband for twenty years and we have been together for sixteen of those twenty. I do trust him. I trust him with my life and I trust him with our children. He's reliable and dependable. We have a good marriage and usually work well together.

However, the minute he talks about a female co-worker or college friend I go a bit crazy. I ask silly questions ... is she pretty, is she single, does she have children, how often to you talk, etc. I immediately look at these women as threats. Threats to my marriage and threats to the life that took me so long to build.

We didn't get married until I was in my mid-thirties and deciding to marry him too a huge leap of faith for me. There was something about falling in love that made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like giving up the perceived control I had over my life. Everything was hard in the beginning - combining households, combining finances, etc. I was so used to only being able to rely on myself. Relying only on myself felt "safe".

I also have this tendency to want to "run" at the first sign of a disagreement. I think an argument "proves" he doesn't love me enough or that I'm not right for him. Can't tell you how many times I have asked if he wanted a divorced during the 13 years we have been married. He's also an ACA, so I'm thinking that's probably why he's been able to tolerate this nonsense for so long. He has told me that he finds my behavior hurtful at times.

I have improved. Recovery has helped me be less reactive, to have more self-confidence, and to be less of a victim. However, I still a problem with jealousy, trust, and control.

I used to also have these irrational fears that my husband and children would have an accident when he took them out without me. This I believed was linked to me knowing that I can't control everything. Also, growing up in the environment that I did, I'm sort of always waiting for bad things to happen. I still have this underlying fear that the rug can be pulled out from under me without any notice.

When I start feeling fearful now, I make an effort to turn things over to my HP. Maybe that's what I need to do when irrational thoughts about my husband pop up - turn my thoughts/obsessions over to my HP?

Not sure if this will even make sense to anyone.

I appreciate your feedback.

Thank you for letting me share.

db
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Old 10-24-2011, 08:25 PM
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I can't tell you how much this makes sense for me. Thank you. Control, trust, walking away, all me. AF always broke promises and always promised again. Always said he was sorry for beatings and always beat again. One of my worst things is when someone says they're sorry, I say I don't care, stop what your doing, sorry means nothing to me.

I had a good friend for 15 years that understood me totally. Once when I was complaining about someone he said, just tell me you aren't going to "X" them out of your life, because that's what you do. You just "X" people out of your life. I hadn't even realized that I did that, and I hadn't realized he knew that about me. But he grew up in a totally happy "Leave it to Beaver" family so he had no understanding the survival techniques that we ACA's have to develop.

Yes I totally have to turn over my anxieties to God. One thing that helped me was realizing this pattern:
Anxiety = Worry
Worry = Doubting
Doubting = Not trusting
Not trusting God HP
So then I real it in and realize I need to activate and practice my trust in God.
Just what works for me. Hope can find peace in times of anxiety.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:25 PM
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I dbh.......I have always Identified with you and Another Member from another Board that Has closed down.
I am Male as you Know,but I am exactly like you.
I fear Abandonment.........Try to avoid Arguments for fear of Same.
I love my wife...the way I love....Im a Father....a worker ,a decent Man.
I'm no Saint.........but Im making Progress.
I Do things and go places I dont want to....I can sometimes turn the thoughts into,ah sure I might as well go It wont do me any harm..I cant be refusing requests all the time in my head....If I dont do x or go y I wont be Liked and mabie this time she'll Abandon me.
Fear/Terror and Anxiety envelopes me...thoughts....like I will not be able to cope on my own.
"I can only imagine how my 14 year old would feel if she thought anything was going to happen to either of us."
But in hindsight this is Exactly what I've done in childhood.....I seemingly could only trust myself..................and then some.
I trusted myself to a certain extent as a child......but what I really needed was nurturing.
I was made to feel,by my Mother= Important, Reliable,trustworthy..........which in turn put alot of Pressure on me as a Child.I was consulted in lots of Adult Situations............Like,Mammy saying to me= how am I going to get Money from Daddy before he spends it......I need it for The Household Goods Etc.
I would be Sent to find him in town and get the Household money from him.
Pressure...............He was always nice about it...............but looking back he was in Company and Im sure he did not like been asked for Household Money.
This Constant Living on the edge....has me the way I still am.
Fights/Argumants/.....................Whats going to happen to me If one , KILLS the other............Or one leaves...or the Police has to be called...will we all be sent away to Locked up Prison/Reformatary Schools............Will THIS TERROR EVER END>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MY heart beats so fast I think its going to bust........I cant Sleep................This is wher its all coming from.
Im one of the Greatest People I know.....I survived..Im here...Years of addiction could not put me down.......I have you dbh.....and many others to prove that its not all made up to make me feel better...............HP why....................why not.....this is the way it is/WAS.Thanks.
I get so anxious typing...thats it....Cheers.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:36 PM
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dbh,
I, too, am an aca. my father was an alcoholic. he was in and out of my life as a child. he would promise to quit drinking, and then after a while, he would just disappear, for months at a time.
I almost cant believe how much you and I are alike! Jealousy has always been my "dirty little secret", and no one, in my life, ever understood me, or my jealousy. it has been more powerful than anyone or anything in my life. the most resilient too.
I have been married four times. the first time, for 12 years. had three wonderful kids. but he was a selfish man, lied about many things. at 16 i was married, mostly to escape my mother , who was abusive verbally. i waited 4 years to have my first baby. i was never secure, always insecure and jealous. he was never a player. just hunted and fished. but left me alone a lot. i did not have a license yet. i would question him all the time. it did not help that he was a pathological liar-lol.

after that marriage, i dated an alcoholic,. and he was a player. i was insecure then too. others noticed my jealous questionings. i felt less than , and abnormal. no one acted like i did. we broke up, as he cheated.
my next marriage , i loved this man hopelessly. he was beautiful! like a rugged Pierce Brosnan, and I was so insecure. i questioned him about any woman he mentioned. it came between us, and he would not continue counselling, after i proved i was out of control of my jealousy. i tried so hard. i could not understand myself. i hated it. we divorced.
the next two, i did the same with. could not control my doubts and i would question, and find other ways to ask the same questions, hoping it would not be so obvious. i got counselling myself, and still it didnt help me to over come my insecurity.

it did not help that i chose men who were attracted to me physically before they really knew me. wanted that mother figure that i can be so well. but then, when i feel close, i get that scared , uneasy feeling. like nothing is going to work out. that i am not enough.

when i would begin to date, it was nice, i felt in control. but after falling for someone, i turned into a person who had a hidden secret. and it would finally come out. i could not control it, no matter what. my kids would even say, mom, we dont want you to date, cause you will just end up being jealous, and question and accuse. they knew i had a pattern. they thought i could control it though. and i could not.

it has been such a shame ful secret. i felt like, run the other way, guy, cause i will eventually mess this up.

i prayed, and begged to be different. once a counsellor told me that if i had met a man who was loving enough to build my trust and not break it, that i would be able to over come it. i dont know about that one.

between a man and a woman, there is always the chance for one to let the other down. but that should not make us worry about it happening, before it does. and we cannot change that. we cannot have 100% security, but we should be able to depend on ourselves, to know that no matter what, we have ourselves. that was never much of a comfort to me. i want guarantees. but, there are none. it is not fair to expect guarantees from another person. but love makes that risk worth taking.

if i could go back and change one thing, it would be to be without jealousy. it has controlled my life, most of my life actually. i would go crazy if my husband looked at a play boy, or watched nudity on a movie. i just could not stand it. it seemed so wrong. and it may have been due to being brought up by an oldfashioned grandma. i still dont like wathching those things, but that might be painful cause i had an uncle by marriage who wrongly fondled me and my sisters when we were young. i wonder if that might have been some of my problem with trusting a man?

Thank you for listening. and for sharing. i feel less a freak now. i wish others in my life had understood.

hugs
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:49 AM
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http://api.viglink.com/api/click?for...13196371826821

This gives people like us a Laugh......If only life was that simple........Mabie it is but I complicate it
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Old 10-26-2011, 07:41 AM
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wow, my post sounds so overwhelmingly miserable. i wanted to say that my life has been one of great joys, too. my children, family, and all the things i love-nature, art, music, humor, have made my life one worth living.

i guess i could clear it up a bit. i felt the jealousy when close in a relationship with a man, but not to say it ruined each day. there were a lot of good times. some men even tried to be mindful and help me with my insecurity. it is just that it always reared its ugly head when i tried to be trusting with a man. but, i managed to have some really good times.

now, when i think of maybe having a relationship again, it makes me not want to let down my guard, for that is when it is the hardest. maybe it is just too hard for me.

dbh, I did not mean to say that you are like I was. you sound like you have had much success in spite of your insecurity. i wish that there was a trick, to make it go away.

my best wishes for you,
chicory

Last edited by chicory; 10-26-2011 at 07:42 AM. Reason: spacing
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Old 10-26-2011, 07:45 AM
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Sharing is good. When you can share this, you may feel at ease.
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:48 AM
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Chicory, I truly appreciated your honest share. It's healing for me when I realize that I'm not alone. I too wish there was a trick to make it go away. I also sometimes wish for a "recovery pill". Unfortunately, I think the process of working through this stuff is what makes me healthier.

I've been thinking a lot about how much pressure I'm putting on my husband. It's almost as if I want him to make up for all the wrongs done by my father and abusive boyfriends of the past. I want him and our relationship to be perfect, yet at the same time I keep anticipating something will go wrong. Even after 16 years and two children, I have a bit of a wall in place and an exit strategy. Subconsciously I want to be able to say, "See ... I'm not suppose to trust people!"

My sister and I used to have a similar unhealthy interaction with each other. When we lived together she would often buy me things and occasional make special meals. Then we would have an argument over something and she would accuse me of abandoning her and not acting like a true sister. Can't tell you how many times I would hear "After all that I do for you, how can you do this to me!!!!". I think we basically were replaying the relationship between our mother/father and our father/us over and over again.

Starting to feel like I'm now doing the same thing to my husband :-(

Thanks for letting me share.

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Old 10-27-2011, 05:01 PM
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db,
thanks for this post, as I am amazed at something you shared. About your sister and you. I have a sister, the middle one. i am the oldest. the middle sister is forever sabotaging any relationship or efforts at one, between us. it is at the point where I do not contact her now. i was thinking that she has borderline personality, and that it was that which makes her think as she does. but what you wrote makes me wonder- is she just doing this because she too does not believe that she wont be abandoned? why is it never enough, to love her?

We had so much dysfunction as children. we fought, and no one helped us to work through problems. we fought, i am sure, because of the tension in the home, due to our fathers drinking and our mothers unhealthy dependence on us girls. she had depression, and could not be a healthy mom. she escaped in books, and sleep. we girls pretty much were on our own. she divorced our dad, and within a few years she began to drink. and became full blown alcoholic. so, i guess trust was something that we did not learn at all, as kids.
my sister was so mean as a kid- she tried to please our mom, and be our dads "son" he did not have. she was mean to me and my youngest sister, and now, as grownups, we cannot be close. she claims to want to be, but if we dont call her, or invite her to something, she thinks that we dont want to have her in our life. she is so negative. but that meanness is hard to forget....

I think it is very positive that you feel you are getting healthier by working through this. I am sure you are right, just because you feel that way.
Maybe there would be growth if you could turn it over to your HP. For you and I know that no one is ever going to be perfect, or make us always feel safe. only we can make ourselves feel safe, i think. it sounds like you have a good marriage, and that your husband is in no way like your father. I wish all men knew how important their role is, in their childrens lives, especially their daughters.
sometimes it is like we had all the ingredients mixed together in such a way that we got this "cookie" of jealousy. I have often wondered if there is anyway that it can be undone.
A certain way to think of ourselves, or how to give ourselves that which is lacking. i dont think that anyone else can give it to us, or that they should, really. i think the healing must come from the inside out, and not from without. tho, it helps to have a loving husband, as you do

any time you wish to talk to me, or need some moral support, please pm me, or send me a message. i find this very interesting. maybe we can help each other, through the insanity of doubts and suspicions.
thank you again,
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