Unconditional Love? Venting, I get so messed up

Old 10-23-2011, 10:10 AM
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Unconditional Love? Venting, I get so messed up

I have tried to keep in contact with my AD (she's more on to alcohol lately than crack) and yes, I still can't shake that "my love can heal her" attitude at times, although I have gotten better - it's a guilt thing she lays on me, but I try to stay somewhat close for the grandchildren.

It's the verbal attacks. You've never loved me (I do with all my heart), you've always loved my sister best (she's never given me such heartache, stole from me, etc.,etc.) you never just stop in to visit (it will lead to you calling me after a few drinks and attacking me for something innocent I might have said), you never acknowledge all I do for my kids (I don't see it) on and on it goes. Then she throws in the Unconditional Love bit.

So, this week I take both girls out to lunch, we do some shopping and decide this might be a fun thing to do every other week. Then bam !!! I get an email from her two days later PO because I hadn't called to see how her new job went (had only been up for an hour and hadn't had time) then she proceeds on how we offered her sister our old camping trailer to buy and not her (she won't even camp) and this happened last year, how we talked of staying in her sister's upstairs garage for a few months each year if we decide to travel back and forth down south for the winter and we never asked her (she rents and has no extra room) how I've never loved her, she's been nothing but crap to me since she's been born, on and on. Then she ends with "I've tried and tried to make you love me and I can't keep on doing it anymore, BITE ME).

I just had to vent - sorry. I really do quite well most of the time but somedays it just gets me.
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Old 10-23-2011, 10:24 AM
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(((Baxter))) - I'm sorry you're going through this. FWIW, I'm a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie, and when I was using (crack), it was ALL about me. I actually distanced myself from my family, but we are very good about putting blame on someone else because we don't want to deal with our own issues.

I can tell you that justifying yourself isn't going to do any good with her. I also understand you want to maintain contact for the grandkids, but maybe saying something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and changing the conversation would work? I'm sure others will be along with better suggestions. I've had to go a day or two with no contact with my dysfunctional family, and I LIVE with them.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-23-2011, 10:37 AM
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Oh, boy, do I remember the messed up, purposefully guilt tripping conversations with my A stepson. Nobody ever loved him, nobody helps him, etc.....!

None of what he said was true....and my hubby and I finally learned that there was nothing we could say that would make any difference. He was just going to believe what he wanted to in his dark and sick world. When we stopped trying to explain ourselves, it finally stopped. Yes, we had to go no contact for a bit, but it finally stopped.

I hope things will get better for you soon! HG
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Old 10-23-2011, 12:09 PM
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Thanks guys - I mostly do the "I'm sorry you feel that way". Wow, does that ever get a rise out of her - her face changes color and the look she gets makes my hair stand on end. I usually do either walk away or hang up with an "I won't take any more verbal attacks so knock it off". I just get so sick of the "it's never enough" at times. I know I made some mistakes, but none of us can go back and with the drugs/alcohol there's no way to go forward with her but sometimes she does get a little wedge in and I feel that twinge of guilt and play the "if only" game.
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Old 10-23-2011, 12:13 PM
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Addicts use our emotions as a weapon......if we let them. My AS works from the same script as your daughter......yet I'm sure they don't know each other. My AXH uses the same tactic.

Just because they say it, doesn't mean it's true.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-23-2011, 02:06 PM
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Lots of adult children project on their parents. and tend to fixate it all on the same sex parent. The more they project, the less they have to take responsibility for their own unhappiness. This has nothing to do with addiction and all to do with an acute lack of emotional maturity.

Flip the coin over and sometimes it's the parent who blames their own unhappiness on their unappreciative children.
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Old 10-24-2011, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Lots of adult children project on their parents. and tend to fixate it all on the same sex parent. The more they project, the less they have to take responsibility for their own unhappiness. This has nothing to do with addiction and all to do with an acute lack of emotional maturity.

Flip the coin over and sometimes it's the parent who blames their own unhappiness on their unappreciative children.
I so agree with this. I know she's very emotionally immature but I always get this only when she's high or drunk, never sober. If I try to deal with it when she's sober she won't address the matter or slams the door. Then she gets high and I get the you never loved me, I'm nothing but a thorn in your side, you loved my sister more, the list is endless, and that's why I drink and do drugs, wouldn't you if you had a mother like me.
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Old 10-24-2011, 04:17 PM
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(((Baxter))) she drinks or does drugs because that his her choice. Granted, while deep in an addiction it doesn't FEEL like a choice..we just have to do it. However, when I got sick enough of the consequences, I also made the choice to quit and get into recovery.

No one MADE me do either. Don't fall for the "you were a bad mom and that's why I do what I do". I had two great parents, was raised with NO addiction issues, supported, encouraged, disciplined, etc. I still became an addict. Did I have every justification in the world for why I was using? Yep. Now I'm way more aware of the fact that my decisions lead to consequences, and it's up to me whether they are good or bad consequences.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:37 PM
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I'm sorry. that must be very painful for you. How can you even answer something like that?
Perhaps you can refuse to let her talk to you when she is like that. If she wont respect your boundaries, don't let her use you as a dumping ground. She is responsible for her woes. Not you.
i hope she finds recovery.and that you find some peace in there somewhere.

hugs
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:03 PM
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baxter - i am so sorry you are having to go through those kinds of interactions with your daughter - you have already gotten a lot of very good advice - i really don't have anything different to add - just want to tell you that i will be praying for you -
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