marie1960

Just my two cents worth...........

In regard to date # 3;

Anybody can pretend to be something they truly are not, for a few hours.

IMHO, I think you are trying to validate a decision you have already made.

Sending you good thoughts. Take care of You.

Carol Star

allowed-allow/ as in parent ?- him to drink and then get angry /confusing...?...as a recovering person I know 1 is too many and 50 is not enough.......either accept it or move on- and both work individual programs....independent....4 c's we cannot control it, didn't cause it, cannot cure it but can contribute......and in my humble opinion no contact is the way to decide if it will work......healthy boundaries......in the rooms it is said no changes for 1 year......meetings.....sponsors.....more meetings.......

dollydo

Who's idea was this date thing? I am really not really understanding the purpose. What has changed? You are still supporting him, he still calls his mommy when his tummy hurts, and mommy feels bad if she doesn't drop everything and listen to him whine.

He should be working on his recovery and you should be working on yours, I can't see where either of you are in recovery. Until you both get healthy nothing is going to change.

This whole deal makes no sense to me.

dollydo

Why not tell me something about you...who are you, what was your childhood like, how old are you and what were your other relationships like?

Might help me understand where you are coming from, right now I can't wrap my head around what you are doing and why.

Seren

Hi gbz!

I completely understand your desire to work toward saving your marriage. I have done the same thing myself. My now xH and I would plan "dates" when we were in marriage counseling and he was still seeing his gf at the time (long, long story). How you decide to receive help wether through individual and/or marriage therapy is entirely your decision that does not need to be explained to us.

I'm sorry that anyone told you that you were responsible for your AH's drinking. That's just not right, imho. In reading the boards for a while now, it seems to me that marriage counseling is just not something that has worked for people as long as one partner is still drinking.

How do you feel when he drinks around you when you are on these dates? Is that acceptable to you? Do you think a helpful boundary for you might be "I won't spend any time with you if you choose to drink" and then leave of your own accord if he decides to drink? Just some things to think about.....

Good luck as you move forward! HG

GettingBy

For me, marriage counseling with my actively drinking husband was like throwing gasoline on the fire. We hired the marriage counselor to fix our marriage... Not resolve my husbands drinking problem. The counselor knew right away he was an alcoholic but had to tread lightly so as to maintain her job of saving our marriage. She did the best she could to point out his unacceptable behavior, but at the same time (to keep a level playing field) had to point out my flaws.

In my situation, that was the kiss of death for me. AH latched on to my issues and promptly blamed me for everything - he now had the "proof" he needed that I was the "bad spouse", not him. It was amazing because he completely ignored every word the counselor said about his stuff... But that's his disease and denial.

I'm glad we did marriage counseling... Not because it saved us, but because it pushed "us" over the cliff and got me moving on with my life. Our marriage is super toxic and unhealthy.

I pray someday, for my kids sake, that my ah finds recovery, growth... And maturity and health.

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon

MTSlideAddict

With my experience you have to work on yourselves individually before you can begin working on the marriage. In my situation, I viewed the biggest problematic contributor to our marital issues was his drinking and anger (his behavior). The anger would get fired up after he was drinking, and then it would start the mean tirades. I thought he had a problem with his behavior and I did not find it acceptable. My husband, being in denial, deflected the blame and saw no fault in his behavior; he viewed my behavior to be at fault and the reason for “overindulging,” as he would say. We did not see eye-to-eye on the matter of our marital problems. We had countless dates in which most went wrong, but only until we redirected our focus from fixing ‘us’ to fixing ourselves individually did we gain some sense of peace.