Disappointing night
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Disappointing night
Two weeks ago, I broke up with my ABF (like I've done before) ... allowed him to convince me things would change (like he's done before) and they haven't changed (as they haven't before).
It started with an argument this morning. He drank yesterday (his alcoholic friend was over watching the game -- "only two beers") and it made me grouchy (I'm still new to this; I've not been to Al-Anon yet). We got past it, and we were to go out tonight. While he no longer drinks around me, I know he's drinking on his own. Before I saw him tonight, I suspected he had something to drink, which was confirmed upon kissing him. I didn't want to fight, and so I said nothing. I ended up acting passive-aggressive, making a jab about something else. He blew up at me, wanted to go home and we ended the night angry. I suspect he wanted to be alone drink. In the past, I might have continued arguing with him and crying all night. But tonight I just went to my house, feeling more numb than anything.
Such nights are happening way too frequently. Most of the time I expect to be disappointed. We can have an absolutely wonderful night (like Wednesday - no drinking, no drama, delightful) ... but then everything dissolves into disaster.
I just needed to share. Thanks.
It started with an argument this morning. He drank yesterday (his alcoholic friend was over watching the game -- "only two beers") and it made me grouchy (I'm still new to this; I've not been to Al-Anon yet). We got past it, and we were to go out tonight. While he no longer drinks around me, I know he's drinking on his own. Before I saw him tonight, I suspected he had something to drink, which was confirmed upon kissing him. I didn't want to fight, and so I said nothing. I ended up acting passive-aggressive, making a jab about something else. He blew up at me, wanted to go home and we ended the night angry. I suspect he wanted to be alone drink. In the past, I might have continued arguing with him and crying all night. But tonight I just went to my house, feeling more numb than anything.
Such nights are happening way too frequently. Most of the time I expect to be disappointed. We can have an absolutely wonderful night (like Wednesday - no drinking, no drama, delightful) ... but then everything dissolves into disaster.
I just needed to share. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Make yourself comfortable and read and read. And I sought out Alanon and found it to be a real help.
After his drinking became a topic of discussion, my AH started to hide his drinking. I used to sleuth out the empties, sniff as he walked by, follow him around, all sorts of tricks to determine if and when he was drinking. It really was a useless waste of my time. It didn't affect whether he would drink or not, it only made me angry, which made him angry and became a relentless cycle.
At Alanon I learned how to live my life and be happy whether he continued to drink or not, which he did. (I am lucky in the sense that when he drinks he just gets quieter and then goes to bed, no abuse or violent fights or awful messes.)
At Alanon it just so nice to be face to face with people who have "been there and done that" and to get some support and practical tips. It is suggested to try 6 meetings and different groups before you make up your mind. Each meeting has it's own feel.
Thinking of you.
After his drinking became a topic of discussion, my AH started to hide his drinking. I used to sleuth out the empties, sniff as he walked by, follow him around, all sorts of tricks to determine if and when he was drinking. It really was a useless waste of my time. It didn't affect whether he would drink or not, it only made me angry, which made him angry and became a relentless cycle.
At Alanon I learned how to live my life and be happy whether he continued to drink or not, which he did. (I am lucky in the sense that when he drinks he just gets quieter and then goes to bed, no abuse or violent fights or awful messes.)
At Alanon it just so nice to be face to face with people who have "been there and done that" and to get some support and practical tips. It is suggested to try 6 meetings and different groups before you make up your mind. Each meeting has it's own feel.
Thinking of you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It is not uncommon for an alcoholic to pick a fight just so they can storm out of the house and get bombed. He is just doing what alcoholics do, deflect and blame.
This is a progressive disease, left untreated he will get worse.
Get to some meetings, read all the stickies in not only this forum, but the F & F of Substance Abusers, they all do basically the same things, lots of great information at your
fingertips.
This is a progressive disease, left untreated he will get worse.
Get to some meetings, read all the stickies in not only this forum, but the F & F of Substance Abusers, they all do basically the same things, lots of great information at your
fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 15
Totally agree with the other posts. My husband doesn't drink in front of me either-great during the weekends. But, during the week he finds excuses to "stay at work late" also known as stopping for a quick drink.
I am new at this too but just bought the book "Codependent No More"-which has been helpful.
I am new at this too but just bought the book "Codependent No More"-which has been helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
thank you for sharing, jessie.
this is exactly the sort of thing that happened with my xabf during the two weeks leading up to our break-up. and, truthfully, the fights were picked whether i said or did anything or not. in fact, i had considered breaking up with him because i was tired of him getting angry at me because my reaction to his "controlled" drinking was not what HE wanted it to be. i admit, i was initially very scared for him, but i came to realize that it was HIS decision and was working on my own detachment because i wanted our relationship to work. the first night i smelled alcohol on his breath was a hard night for me. i didn't expect it to hurt so much, and i didn't know that my reaction would be to physically close myself off from him. i asked him for patience as i "got used" to his experiment and felt what i needed to feel, but that simply was not good enough for him and he was constantly on the defense. my very presence made him feel guilty, and i think it just got to be too much for him to bear.
the weekend before we broke up was wonderful. he FINALLY talked to me about what he was doing (instead of yelling) and i thought we got everything worked out. i told him over and over again that i wasn't trying to battle him, and that i understood why he was trying controlled drinking. we spent the entire weekend together watching movies, cooking dinner, going out to "re-live" our first date, and just enjoying each other's company. and we did so without him drinking a drop of alcohol. i, honestly, thought we were going to be okay, but three days later it all went to hell and i left his apartment heartbroken.
i think you are lucky (as was i) to have your own house to which you can retreat. it makes it so much easier to leave the craziness to the alcoholic and find serenity on your own turf.
this board has been amazing in helping me to realize that NOTHING i said or did could have changed anything. my xabf is going to do what he is going to do and, although i still hurt from our break-up, i feel a huge burden has been lifted from MY shoulders. i no longer have to worry about how much he is drinking and whether he is eating and sleeping. i no longer have to *hope* he will do something for me and support me as i did him. i no longer have to wonder if he feels for me what i do him. i have my answers. i don't like them, but i have them. he is in love with rum, and i can't compete (nor do i want to) with that.
good luck to you. i hope you can make this weekend fun for YOU. leave him to his drink of choice, you deserve so much more!!!
this is exactly the sort of thing that happened with my xabf during the two weeks leading up to our break-up. and, truthfully, the fights were picked whether i said or did anything or not. in fact, i had considered breaking up with him because i was tired of him getting angry at me because my reaction to his "controlled" drinking was not what HE wanted it to be. i admit, i was initially very scared for him, but i came to realize that it was HIS decision and was working on my own detachment because i wanted our relationship to work. the first night i smelled alcohol on his breath was a hard night for me. i didn't expect it to hurt so much, and i didn't know that my reaction would be to physically close myself off from him. i asked him for patience as i "got used" to his experiment and felt what i needed to feel, but that simply was not good enough for him and he was constantly on the defense. my very presence made him feel guilty, and i think it just got to be too much for him to bear.
the weekend before we broke up was wonderful. he FINALLY talked to me about what he was doing (instead of yelling) and i thought we got everything worked out. i told him over and over again that i wasn't trying to battle him, and that i understood why he was trying controlled drinking. we spent the entire weekend together watching movies, cooking dinner, going out to "re-live" our first date, and just enjoying each other's company. and we did so without him drinking a drop of alcohol. i, honestly, thought we were going to be okay, but three days later it all went to hell and i left his apartment heartbroken.
i think you are lucky (as was i) to have your own house to which you can retreat. it makes it so much easier to leave the craziness to the alcoholic and find serenity on your own turf.
this board has been amazing in helping me to realize that NOTHING i said or did could have changed anything. my xabf is going to do what he is going to do and, although i still hurt from our break-up, i feel a huge burden has been lifted from MY shoulders. i no longer have to worry about how much he is drinking and whether he is eating and sleeping. i no longer have to *hope* he will do something for me and support me as i did him. i no longer have to wonder if he feels for me what i do him. i have my answers. i don't like them, but i have them. he is in love with rum, and i can't compete (nor do i want to) with that.
good luck to you. i hope you can make this weekend fun for YOU. leave him to his drink of choice, you deserve so much more!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's not drinking at you. This is not personal. You can accept him as is/where is and know it's progressive, or
You might decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with an active addict ( regardless of substance). This respects his right to drink which he's going to do regardless of what you say or do, or not.
It's that tween spot where we let our hopeful fantasies get the best uf us that make it pur hell-o.
You might decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with an active addict ( regardless of substance). This respects his right to drink which he's going to do regardless of what you say or do, or not.
It's that tween spot where we let our hopeful fantasies get the best uf us that make it pur hell-o.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I really appreciate everyone's thoughts! I did go to a meeting tonight -- it's exactly where I needed to be (had my day with ABF not ended in argument, I would not have attended -- appears my HP was looking out for me)!
Shawty, I really can relate to your story on so many levels. It sounds like you are in a good place now. I have come very close but haven't quite given up on my ABF yet. In the meantime, I'm very grateful I have a sanctuary I can call my own!
Shawty, I really can relate to your story on so many levels. It sounds like you are in a good place now. I have come very close but haven't quite given up on my ABF yet. In the meantime, I'm very grateful I have a sanctuary I can call my own!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
sadly, i still haven't given up on mine, but thanks for saying i sound like i'm in a good place.
in truth, i'm faking it and desperately trying to push him out of my mind. my logical brain knows that i deserve more, but my illogical heart is putting up one hell of a fight!!! i am taking everything as it comes, and trying to get on with my life.
i applaud you for attending an al-anon meeting. i know that first step can be intimidating, and you made it!
good luck to you, sweets. i'm rootin' for you to find your peace, no matter what that may be.
in truth, i'm faking it and desperately trying to push him out of my mind. my logical brain knows that i deserve more, but my illogical heart is putting up one hell of a fight!!! i am taking everything as it comes, and trying to get on with my life.
i applaud you for attending an al-anon meeting. i know that first step can be intimidating, and you made it!
good luck to you, sweets. i'm rootin' for you to find your peace, no matter what that may be.
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