stormy1

New here and need to vent:

Long story short, I have been a binge drinker for years (beer and wine) and own the fact that I have damaged my marriage however I can't change the past, only the future. Two months ago the hubby basically said he'd had enough and was ready to move out because we had grown so far apart (not just the booze but that didn't help). He said he didn't really care about me drinking socially because I don't go crazy but he hated that I drank at home all the time.

I told him that I would cut way back which I have. He even noticed that. I asked him if he had an issue with me having an occasional glass of wine on and he said no. So last night I had a couple glasses...nothing major at all. I wasn't even remotely intoxicated as it was two glasses over the course of 4 hours!! I Haven' t been intoxicated at all in 2 months. Shoot, my annual bloodwork came back and it was a glowing report on everything which I haven't been able to say the last 10 years.

He tells me this morning that I am falling back into old habits (which I don't mind him calling me on if he really feels that way) and says that "if you don't quit, we need to separate" speech.

My marriage is the most important thing and I told him that (we've been together over 18 years), and I told him I would quit altogether. Of course I'm having a case of buyers remorse which I expected, but I didn't expect to me mad as a hornet. He gets home from work, changes clothes, and pours a scotch (I never drink liquor...can't stand it), and as he is leaving for his poker tournament (drinking and driving I might add!) he tries to give me the "it will be ok" hug, but I just repelled from him. He gets to go off and drink scotch and play poker while I sit here processing the major life decision that I agreed to in order to save my marriage. And yes, I'm doing it for me too as I was really pleased with the change in health...long overdue.

He's not a bad guy at all and I know I've pushed him to his limits over the years...I have to own that. He asked me if I wanted him to take the scotch and leave it at his friends house. The only thing I could get out was "well, you aren't the drunk so I guess you can do whatever you want". Kinda came out of nowhere.

Is it normal to be this angry when you were really making a concerted effort but it's not enough?

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

Are you angry at him or angry at yourself?

least

It sounds to me like you're angry over being 'forced' into quitting. You're doing it to save your marriage and not just doing it because you want to quit. At least, that's the impression I get.

I must say tho that when I quit I was angry I had to quit. That I couldn't drink normally like everybody else. I was quitting for myself, but also to repair and renew my relationship with my teenage kids.

If you don't really want to quit drinking maybe that's why you're angry - cause he can still drink if he wants to but he insists that you quit. But if you're quitting because you want to stop drinking, then maybe you're angry at your situation. It can be difficult to admit to ourselves that we're not normal drinkers and that alcohol gets us in trouble.


No matter what, I'd like to welcome you to our family.

Anna

I was angry at myself for having allowed myself to become an alcoholic.

But, before long, I realized that there was no point in being angry.

It sounds like you have a decision to make.

stormy1

Yeah, I guess both of your are right. I'm angy with myself that I'm even in this situation, but I'm also angry that my hand is being forced. I'm not a very pleasant person when backed into a corner. I prefer to do things on my terms and felt that I had been doing well. I really dont' mind my husband calling me on things if I really am doing something over the top, but I also feel like he is holding the "separation" thing over my head. I know he genuinly feels that he can't take the heavy drinking anymore and that is ok. Nothing wrong with that. BUT, if the tables were turned and I saw that he was trying I'd at least try to be a little understanding.

His business partner is going through a similar scenario with her husband who, in my opinion, is a hardcore AH, to the point of violence. I don't get that way at all. Shoot, he's twice my size...wouldn't work anyway I think he is listening to his partner and following her lead for how to get me to quit.

I don't know....maybe I don't really know what I think. Glad to be in the family!! Gonna need some help here.

Dominica2

I am mad at myself because I know that I have done my husband and daughter terribly wrong in the past (flipped a FEW cars, anger problems and the anxiety of it all pushes me over the edge) I know the usual converation, the husband "You really need to quit"
and the fact when you really lay out your feelings, they really become an A$$ instead of a support. I have hit my husband with a car, because of drinking, didnt do it on purpose, but, we have had a child since then and we are working on 10 years. My husband has gone to prison and has been sober for 3 years currently) for abuse because of drinking and being abusive. The one thing I can say is weigh the pros and cons in YOUR life, not his. If you are uncomfortable about him drinking in your presence (which I totally understand) voice your concern, for the sake of YOUR sobriety. One day at a time, because lord knows, I deal with the same demon you do, just much more extreme. Communication is key. I wish you all the best in your sobriety. ***hugs***

stormy1

So I txted the hubby and asked him not to drink and drive on the way home from poker since that is what he did on the way there. Fair request I feel. His response...I only have one drink (well it was actually two or three based on the size of the cup) and I'll be fine by the time I leave here. Oh, and "Dear" you really don't want to fight about this. I have 15 years of pent up anger, blah blah blah. I can drink and it doesn't phase me, but you can't. Really? I guess that's why I wouldn't let him take the Lexus last weekend for a guys weekend because I didn't want him to throw up in it like he did the car on last years guys trip!!! Grrrrrr

I just reminded him that I didn't think it was fair that he was doing (d&d) the same thing he was insisting I NOT do and that it was a double standard. Now he insists he was sober and not drinking the drink on the 40 minute drive there.

Not going well for day one...trying not to be antagonistic but really? No one is telling him that he has to make a drastic change or his spouse will leave him.

Oh well...going to drink my sleepytime tea and breathe.

sugarbear1

Which one do you fear more; ending your marriage or stopping all alcohol? Or is it generalized fear?

Vent away, it needs to come out. Glad you are here!

stormy1

Truthfully, I don't know. We've been together since we were seniors in high school and I often wonder if this relationship has just run its' course (been together 24 years). Aside from the alcohol, we get along really well and are best friends. Maybe I'm just afraid of me, him, or both of us walking away from that many years together. Maybe the alcohol is a bandaid for my discontent in the marriage and I'm just not seeing it.

sugarbear1

I like when you say, "I'm just not seeing it." Have you thought about listening at an aa meeting? Listen for similarities, Not differences? It might help you to see you...

Or try not drinking for 30 days, see what happens then.

Hugs,

Dominica2

24 years, thats a big deal. A big history, as well. If you are quitting, and he does the exact thing that he preaches about (trust me, I know), but it took my spouse going to prison and getting clean, to realize what a eefed up individual I am, for what I did to him while all that was going on. But, he put me through alot (so I justified it). I hit my husband with a car, looking for our dogs, being oblivious, because I woke up off of a xanax/alcohol binge and took off in a car, he ended up in ICU, yet why didnt I stop? We just got worse, together.

Relationships take SOO much work, yet people complain about having to work on issues. The thing is, It depends on how commited you are, even after all the bull sh**.

My spouse is now clean, for 3 years and i am left, looking like an idiot. I am determined, however.

What you need to look at is how much you love/ trust him, boo. I admire you for confidence. Only you know how bad the situation is. If its thats bad, reconsider everything. Its the willingness to quit with BOTH of you that will make a difference.

You are in my thoughts.

Dee74

Hi and welcome stormy

The thing I notice is you seem more concerned and angry about your husbands drinking than your own in these posts - do you think you might be displacing some emphasis here?

No it's not good your husband drinks and drives - but you've made your feelings clear there to him now.

I think it's important not to lose sight of the thing your should be focusing on - you and your sobriety.

I know myself in my drinking days I would often get sidetracked trying to help someone else, or getting involved in their issues...anything than help myself and face my own stuff.

Focus on yourself for a bit - decide whether you want this for yourself or not - then take it from there

D

stormy1

Yeah, I'm probably overreacting right now because I'm angry. I've never done well with people telling me what to do or giving me ultimatums. Not even my parents. I'm not usually an angry or standoffish(sp?) person but I feel very backed into a corner. Part of me wants to tell him, fine, take a hike and I'll live my life the way I want to, but deep down I don't really want that. For the first time though, I feel resentful as h*ll and a bit defiant. That just doesn't seem like a normal reaction to me when your marriage is on the line.

Oh well, I guess I'll give it a month and see where we are and spend that time focused on me.

least

I think you're on to something here. Is couples counseling an option for the two of you? Might be something to think about.

stormy1

Day two and still mad as h*ll but it is getting a little better.

Hubby came to bed last night after being out playing poker smelling like scotch and asked me "so, what do you want to talk about?" Really? Without taking a breath I just snapped at him and said that I didn't want to talk about anything, and kept reading my book. I told him to go brush his teeth because it wasn't fair for me to have to smell scotch all night.

This morning...woke up still PO'd. I swear I barely said 5 words to him all day and didn't even want to look at him. He tried a few times to make small talk but eventually got the hint and left me alone.

On my way to bed tonight, he walked up and gave me a hug and I swear I couldn't get away from him fast enough. Why am I being so nasty? All I really want to do is punch him in the nose. J/K...I'm not violent but the thought did cross my mind. The sad part is I'm not craving or even in withdrawal because I haven't been drinking heavily for several weeks...just a couple of drinks here and there (well, except for yesterday and today where I had nothing). In two months I feel like I've made it past all the bad withdrawal mess so why am I so angry???

artsoul

Hi Stormy - welcome!

I think we've all gotten defensive when others have confronted us about our drinking - it's one of the "hallmarks" of alcoholism. But beyond that, I always had a hard time being told what to do, or dealing with the smallest criticism. I believe that's because I've always been so hard on myself, trying to be perfect and make everyone else happy at the same time. Any indication that someone was disappointed in me was mortifying because I felt as thought they didn't know how hard I was already trying. (Instead of accepting/expressing that I feel hurt, I'd get really angry).

Maybe you're like me, or maybe it really is about the drinking. I can totally understand being mad that someone you love tells you to stop drinking and then turns around and goes out/drinks. Maybe you need to talk to your husband about it and tell him how you're honestly feeling and why (after you cool down a little).......

Just don't drink over it....... Sending you hugs/prayers.......

Dee74

I was very angry when I got sober - I didn't find it fair that I had to stop drinking, or fair that I'd have to change my life - even tho my life was in a *total* mess.

I was angry that I felt angry too, cos I was angry about the years I'd wasted...

I was scared really. It was a big step to think about.

and there there was just the plain irritability and general discomfort and antsy-ness of withdrawal...


stick with it Stormy1 - it gets better on all counts

D

stormy1

Well,finally cooled off enough to talk to the hubby. It started very tense and I pretty much let out all my anger. He was a little defensive until I pointed out two things 1) no one is asking him to make a life change & 2) he cannot possibly understand how I feel so he should not assume he does and try and tell me what/how I should feel. Fortunately, he is man enough to admit that he didn't and apologized for doing it.

I also told him that his behavior on night one (pouring a scotch in front of me and D&D) was a slap in the face. He said he never meant it that way but agreed that it was not the right thing to do and promised not to drink anymore in the house.

The kicker is that he repeated several times that he really doesn't have any problem whatsoever with me having a glass of wine out at dinner, a beer or two during the game or at happy hour etc. because I never go crazy (which I don't). He just has a problem with me drinking at home because I tend to not realize how much I drink just sitting there....which is true. So...what to do? He also said he was never going to leave me for a mistake or slip up, rather he could not live with two bottles of wine and beer every night. I assured him that I NEVER want to go back to that! I really, really don't. He said he was ok with social situations only because he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I reminded him that I was the only one who could feel uncomfortable about not drinking and that he should never feel that way.

So, I left it at I would continue to abstain and if a social situation presented itself I would determine how things are at that time but that the PLAN is to go in with no intention of drinking. We'll see how it goes but I think we have cleared the air for now.

Dee74

I think if you're an alcoholic like I am, you can't turn it on or off...to just 'drink socially' is the dream of every alcoholic....but it doesn't work like that for me.

Alcohol affects me - it takes control.

Your husband may not understand that but I think you might, stormy?
I'd stick with that no intention plan - lose the 'see how I go' bit.

D

stormy1

Yeah, that's what I am thinking to which is why I didn't just say, Oh, OK...I'll just drink socially. I'm thinking that the more times I just don't drink then eventually I won't care one way or the other.