Justice and resolution... I couldn't imagine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Justice and resolution... I couldn't imagine.
Hi all,
This is to follow up on my thread a few weeks ago about finding out my exah was having multiple affairs during the end of our marriage. I can't go into details but my exah bad judgement and behavior became the cause for an investigation at work. Today I was informed that he was fired! I also learned that his bad judgement and immoral behavior was greater than I had known - "just the tip of the ice berg" is the phrase used. Another hurdle for me.
However, I am writing to talk about how good it feels to achieve justice and resolution! When I first heard of the one affair - I was shocked. Even though I was only five months divorced, I had to start the grieving process again - this time making the adjusted changes in my story. When I discovered the possibility of multiple affairs I adjusted it again. Then came the investigation of his behavior at work... I had kept so many secrets for the time of our relationship... I disliked doing that... but I was afraid of the consequences and retribution from him. It felt good to no longer have to lie... no longer have to fear consequences and retribution due to his poor judgement and behavior. Despite what I thought was a poor relationship with my new supervisor she insisted the investigation protect my identity and involvement to avoid retribution. I could not wait to thank her today for supporting me in this.
The whole experience has been both a nightmare and a blessing. It has rectified my memories so that I can truly move forward. It has shown me the support I have and didn't know was available once again.
I especially thank everyone at SR for all the support given to me during the most challenging moments of seeing the problem, detaching from the problem and finally putting an end to a very difficult period of my life. I got through it with dignity and respect intact( actually more than I had before it all began). It seems to have opened doors that were previously closed. I am grateful.
This is to follow up on my thread a few weeks ago about finding out my exah was having multiple affairs during the end of our marriage. I can't go into details but my exah bad judgement and behavior became the cause for an investigation at work. Today I was informed that he was fired! I also learned that his bad judgement and immoral behavior was greater than I had known - "just the tip of the ice berg" is the phrase used. Another hurdle for me.
However, I am writing to talk about how good it feels to achieve justice and resolution! When I first heard of the one affair - I was shocked. Even though I was only five months divorced, I had to start the grieving process again - this time making the adjusted changes in my story. When I discovered the possibility of multiple affairs I adjusted it again. Then came the investigation of his behavior at work... I had kept so many secrets for the time of our relationship... I disliked doing that... but I was afraid of the consequences and retribution from him. It felt good to no longer have to lie... no longer have to fear consequences and retribution due to his poor judgement and behavior. Despite what I thought was a poor relationship with my new supervisor she insisted the investigation protect my identity and involvement to avoid retribution. I could not wait to thank her today for supporting me in this.
The whole experience has been both a nightmare and a blessing. It has rectified my memories so that I can truly move forward. It has shown me the support I have and didn't know was available once again.
I especially thank everyone at SR for all the support given to me during the most challenging moments of seeing the problem, detaching from the problem and finally putting an end to a very difficult period of my life. I got through it with dignity and respect intact( actually more than I had before it all began). It seems to have opened doors that were previously closed. I am grateful.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You deserved this, an added serenity at work, a load off your shoulders, a feeling of acknowledgement and support from your management, the ability to breathe again.
Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life. It's looking much brighter, now.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I don't usually double-post, but I had to add this, because it's given me something to think about tonight, and it seems very relevant here.
I was watching the second Tomb Raider tonight (yeah, I know, but it's fun!), and there was this dialogue towards the end... It wasn't significant enough for most people - I've seen the movie before and it didn't stand out to me until tonight - but I'm the the only person who skipped over it because I had to find an online version of the screenplay to find the actual quote.
Knowing what I know now, I think this line is very significant...
Lara has traveled to the ends of the world to prevent a giant evil from being unleashed onto the world, with her ex-boyfriend (who betrayed his country and sold his services to the highest bidder) to assist. It's at the end, it looks like everything is going to work out, he's come back for her and helped save her life and even bandaged up a particularly nasty-looking wound...
And then goes back to retrieve this evil that she's been trying to destroy. He insists its his reward for helping her, and when she demands that he put it back, he gives a giant speech ending with this:
You don't have it in you to stop me.
See, all your beliefs...
...all your ideals, they're not real.
I am. And you've loved me.
You think you're strong, but you'll not choose them over me.
You could see the pain flicker across her face, but she made her decision and did what she had to do to prevent the evil in that box from going out into the world. She chose her "unreal" ideals over the "real" him and all her feelings for him, because she refused to betray herself for the sake of someone else.
So did you! It's a very hard decision to make, and it shows that you are a strong person of character and morals. It's a difficult decision, and you made it, and followed through on your convictions, and this time the world smiled back and rewarded you for it.
I was watching the second Tomb Raider tonight (yeah, I know, but it's fun!), and there was this dialogue towards the end... It wasn't significant enough for most people - I've seen the movie before and it didn't stand out to me until tonight - but I'm the the only person who skipped over it because I had to find an online version of the screenplay to find the actual quote.
Knowing what I know now, I think this line is very significant...
Lara has traveled to the ends of the world to prevent a giant evil from being unleashed onto the world, with her ex-boyfriend (who betrayed his country and sold his services to the highest bidder) to assist. It's at the end, it looks like everything is going to work out, he's come back for her and helped save her life and even bandaged up a particularly nasty-looking wound...
And then goes back to retrieve this evil that she's been trying to destroy. He insists its his reward for helping her, and when she demands that he put it back, he gives a giant speech ending with this:
You don't have it in you to stop me.
See, all your beliefs...
...all your ideals, they're not real.
I am. And you've loved me.
You think you're strong, but you'll not choose them over me.
You could see the pain flicker across her face, but she made her decision and did what she had to do to prevent the evil in that box from going out into the world. She chose her "unreal" ideals over the "real" him and all her feelings for him, because she refused to betray herself for the sake of someone else.
So did you! It's a very hard decision to make, and it shows that you are a strong person of character and morals. It's a difficult decision, and you made it, and followed through on your convictions, and this time the world smiled back and rewarded you for it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Thanks Starcat for that interesting connection. I don't really see myself as saving the world... but that little bit of the movie you talked about I see it this way... during my process I thought often of how I would have handled things if we were still married. I am amazed at how much I was willing to lie to myself and others about his behavior while married. At the time, it seemed that he was mostly harming himself, me and our relationship more than anyone else. I had concerns at work about when his problem would show up there and for sure hurt people there. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it when it happened.
I have thought about why I kept his secrets... the obvious was loyalty and fear. My separation from my exah came in peices... baby steps of detachment and then setting limits that I would not tolerate. Even after the physical separation I remained loyal out of respect for our privacy. But I noticed that the moment someone reminded me that I was putting others in danger I was able to act quickly to prevent it - at least on my part. That lead me to divorce him but it didn't reduce my feelings for him at the time. But this recent adventure again brought me back to reality - I saved myself and took what action I could to prevent further pain to others to the best of my ability. That is the person I remember being before this relationship.
I know I made my own mistakes here and there but I believed in cleaning up my own messes. I feel like I had a huge opportunity to do just that and took it in an instant. No thoughts of fear and a clearer vision of what my exah is capable of doing under the influence without a thought for consequences. (BTW, he was offered a chance to walk away with some dignity and profoundly insisted on the low road.) One day I may feel sad for him but at the moment my focus is on deconstructing what detoured me from being me and reclaiming the life I still have yet to live.
I have thought about why I kept his secrets... the obvious was loyalty and fear. My separation from my exah came in peices... baby steps of detachment and then setting limits that I would not tolerate. Even after the physical separation I remained loyal out of respect for our privacy. But I noticed that the moment someone reminded me that I was putting others in danger I was able to act quickly to prevent it - at least on my part. That lead me to divorce him but it didn't reduce my feelings for him at the time. But this recent adventure again brought me back to reality - I saved myself and took what action I could to prevent further pain to others to the best of my ability. That is the person I remember being before this relationship.
I know I made my own mistakes here and there but I believed in cleaning up my own messes. I feel like I had a huge opportunity to do just that and took it in an instant. No thoughts of fear and a clearer vision of what my exah is capable of doing under the influence without a thought for consequences. (BTW, he was offered a chance to walk away with some dignity and profoundly insisted on the low road.) One day I may feel sad for him but at the moment my focus is on deconstructing what detoured me from being me and reclaiming the life I still have yet to live.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It's hard to take the blinders off and see someone for who they really are right now. Especially when we a.) loved them and b.) want to believe the best in people.
I can relate to the feeling of doing what is in someone else's best interests until we finally reach a point where we can't because it means no longer being true to ourselves.
I am so impressed to see karma in action. To have life impose limits on someone's inappropriate behavior, instead of someone trying to make that happen themselves. I see you as having true detachment...stepping out of the way and letting the natural consequences happen as they may. That's awesome!
I can relate to the feeling of doing what is in someone else's best interests until we finally reach a point where we can't because it means no longer being true to ourselves.
I am so impressed to see karma in action. To have life impose limits on someone's inappropriate behavior, instead of someone trying to make that happen themselves. I see you as having true detachment...stepping out of the way and letting the natural consequences happen as they may. That's awesome!
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