tjp613

I mosied over to facebook and thought about re-activating my account today. When I pulled up the page, lo and behold my son's (21, addicted to opiates, just got out of rehab a month ago) username and password were auto-filled in the spaces. Hmmmm. Musta logged in last time he was at my house.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't have but I logged into his acct and checked his messages to see what's going on with him lately. I don't talk to him much -- maybe 5-10 minutes once or twice a week so I was curious.

This is a pretty good snapshot of "a day in the life". Please note that all these conversations were going on simultaneously in his private message area (names are changed):

• With Suzie (who is sober) he was saying he wants sobriety more than anything and will definitelyget to a meeting today. He just knows that hanging out with the wrong people is ruining his life. He's staying away from the heroin but mostly just because he's broke. Yes, definitely going to a meeting.
  
• With Ellie-May (NOT sober) he was moaning about how “the man” is keeping everybody down and how excited he is that the Occupy Wall Street protests are changing America. Ellie May say’s she’s supplementing her income by pushing acid. AS says he’d like a piece of that action and to keep in him in mind if she needs help.
  
• With Harriett (also sober) he talks about his 2 buddies that have died of drug overdoses within the last month and how much he hurts.
  
• His friend Scott is telling him how he totaled his sister’s car on the freeway yesterday because he veered into another lane [high?] then over-corrected, flipped the car, hit the guardrail, etc. AS asks him if he’s ok. Scott says yeah, just real sore and banged up. AS tells him if he’s got any pain pills then he’s buying…. anything…vicodin, roxies, oxys, percs, etc. Scott says OK he’ll give him a call later.

Nothing shocking or surprising here. Just glad to have the validation of my gut feelings.

outtolunch

Including your own relapse into Detective Mom mode and I say this as a mom who in the past has been on her belly, elbo deep into the duct work. .

tjp613

Nope -- I'm not perfect yet. But no, I don't feel I've ever been elbow-deep. Thanks anyway.

Ann

I used to check cell phone bills and numbers and found that it really bothered me to see that closely into his world.

I remember once he somehow accidentally activated his cell phone and unknowingly called me, perhaps hitting speed dial, but he didn't know his phone was on and that I was listening. I heard him making a drug deal and it made me throw up.

For me, if I felt compelled to check up on him, that was instinct enough that he was using.

Hugs

sojourner

Thanks for sharing that. I find their chamelion (sp?) behavior very, very interesting. Now I know what active addicts are so secretive. And why they fragment. Can you imagine if all those people he talked to were in a car together! What in the world would your son have to say to anybody?

Yeah, you'll probably have your head steeped in that whole thing for a bit. Or maybe not. I'm sure I would have done the same thing just to confirm my suspicions. Maybe it's your HP's doing.

tjp613

This is why I posted that stuff.... to provide insight for those who might still be in some denial about how distorted their addict's thinking is. It's just crazy!

No, my head isn't steeped in it... I was just hoping against hope that he was making SOME move toward recovery, but it's clear that he's nowhere near it. So I will just go back to my life.

Anaya

It's been said about my son (and I agree) that he says whatever his audience at the time wants to hear.

I've read some of my son's Facebook comments (they come up on my page...think he forgot I am one of his friends on there), never comment/don't get involved; but still, I am curious.

harleygirl71

My AH would always talk about our AS drug use and wish he would get clean but the entire time behind my back my AH was buying opiates from our AS. I am still trying to process all the lies that were told to me. I played the detective role too when I was suspecting my AH was using. I loved being able to get online and check his cellphone call details. I have been trying hard lately not to check but it is hard.

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - I was the queen of snooping, for years and years (probably most of the 20+ years I was with XABF#1). I finally realized that if I wasn't ready to find out what I found? I might not want to look for it. Granted, it took finding a gazillion things I wished I hadn't, but then I was still queen codie and the only thing I changed was the not looking.

I totally understand the hope thing, but really glad you're moving forward because bouncing back and moving forward? That is recovery, my dear

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Jeff63

Please do yourself a favor and clear the cache in windows or tell him you snooped and he needs to change his password. This cannot lead to anything good and is not morally right.

devastated

I think you're doing great just checking in on Facebook.

Shoot, I was such a terrible co-dependant I had the warden of San Quentin's phone number on speed dial!! LOL

Remember Ann?

Omg, I remember when he was going to live in his storage unit and I was afraid there wouldn't be enough air for him to breath? What in the world was I thinking!!! If it were now, I would go find that storage unit and cement it in, so he couldn't get out again!!

Gotten real mean in my old age!

So I think you're handling this very well! LOL

Hugs, Devastated

fourmaggie

I just got a lightbulb moment by that statement.....wow

tjp613

This is a highly exaggerated reaction....and I actually chuckled.

DakotasMama

Once you're an alcoholic or addict and you are in your parents house, you lose your right to privacy. If he used your computer, it's fair game for you to look. Likewise, if he lives in your house, whatever belongings he brings in are open for inspection. Privacy is a privilege. My son is 26 and if he gives me a reason to question him, I will certainly look.

tjp613

I am an extremely honest person -- almost to a fault (if that's possible). I suppose I justify this "moral injustice" by considering the 846,934 lies he's told me over the years. Snooping in his facebook messages once doesn't bother my conscience enough to ask for his forgiveness. Maybe when hell freezes over....

Justfor1

Why bother snooping into his facebook? You know he is on a downward spiral so what did you expect to find in his e-mails?

fourmaggie

interesting quote...and it really got me thinking what goes on in my own HOME with my children....

just a thought

tjp613

because downward spirals don't always continue forever until death results....SOMETIMES there is a bottom and subsequent reaching out for recovery. That is what I was expecting/hoping to find, as I said in Post #7 above.

lightseeker

there are times when things have popped up for me (ie auto-fill). I wasn't seeking out info but it fell completely in my lap. I have no regret about looking at what showed up because it usually meant that I was able to make better decisions for myself and have better boundaries.

I know that "more will be revealed" but sometimes looking at what drops into your lap helps you shorten the path a bit.

sojourner

Knowledge is power. I agree with the thinking of being a tad involved to see if the active addict may be open to some kind of intervention. I am someone who lost a parent to suicide-by-alcoholism, so that reality is in my DNA. I myself check the local county jail roster online to see if AS has been arrested. If he were in jail, I may not get personally involved, but I know people who do jail ministry that I would be sure to call - or even his previous youth pastor.