6 months later
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
6 months later
Hi, I haven't been in here since June. To recap I came here after the man I had began seeing in April went into recovery in June. After a 4 year friendship and subsequent romantic involvement I found out he was an alcoholic in relapse.
Its been 6 months since I saw my RA-friend, it has been 1 month since my last contact with him. Things between him and I degraded badly after he joined AA, as I have had fundamental disagreements with his manic adherence to the 12 steps. He insisted that I attend AlAnon on the grounds my involvement with him indicated I was 'unwell myself'... despite my having no previous knowledge he had addiction issues nor ever having had a relationship with an addict in the past
He engaged with a sponsor who kept telling him to have no-contact with me, something I struggled with at the time. Despite this we continued to talk, but I discovered he had been sharing with his sponsor my correspondence with him without my knowledge or consent, not to mention editing the body of my messages to conceal from his sponsor the true extent of our contact. We had some intimate involvement against the 'strong suggestions' of his sponsor who has indocrinated him with the fear that anything to do with me will result in more drinking and in death. When he told his sponsor what he'd done, the man said 'its me or her - choose recovery, or get a new sponsor'.
I got blamed for the fall, and was told I was getting in the way of his recovery. In order for him to enforce this no-contact I have been threatened with police and legal action if I talk to him again, something that totally blows me away because its so over the top. Not only this but I was told by my RA-friend that he would have to ask his sponsor if it was ok to talk to me if I said I was in a car accident or had 10 minutes to live. The complete loss of agency over his own decisionmaking proccesses has me utterly alarmed.
I might offend people because I have no faith in AA, and find the suggestion I am mental and need AlAnon to be the most offensive suggestion of all. It had been 90 days, he was still wanting to drink all the time, not sleeping, anxious, binge eating, and overworking so it felt natural to question the validity of AA as a helping process.
At the moment I am seeking my own kind of healing in order to move forward from this situation but find the whole thing to be a complete MindF**k.
thanks for listening.
Its been 6 months since I saw my RA-friend, it has been 1 month since my last contact with him. Things between him and I degraded badly after he joined AA, as I have had fundamental disagreements with his manic adherence to the 12 steps. He insisted that I attend AlAnon on the grounds my involvement with him indicated I was 'unwell myself'... despite my having no previous knowledge he had addiction issues nor ever having had a relationship with an addict in the past
He engaged with a sponsor who kept telling him to have no-contact with me, something I struggled with at the time. Despite this we continued to talk, but I discovered he had been sharing with his sponsor my correspondence with him without my knowledge or consent, not to mention editing the body of my messages to conceal from his sponsor the true extent of our contact. We had some intimate involvement against the 'strong suggestions' of his sponsor who has indocrinated him with the fear that anything to do with me will result in more drinking and in death. When he told his sponsor what he'd done, the man said 'its me or her - choose recovery, or get a new sponsor'.
I got blamed for the fall, and was told I was getting in the way of his recovery. In order for him to enforce this no-contact I have been threatened with police and legal action if I talk to him again, something that totally blows me away because its so over the top. Not only this but I was told by my RA-friend that he would have to ask his sponsor if it was ok to talk to me if I said I was in a car accident or had 10 minutes to live. The complete loss of agency over his own decisionmaking proccesses has me utterly alarmed.
I might offend people because I have no faith in AA, and find the suggestion I am mental and need AlAnon to be the most offensive suggestion of all. It had been 90 days, he was still wanting to drink all the time, not sleeping, anxious, binge eating, and overworking so it felt natural to question the validity of AA as a helping process.
At the moment I am seeking my own kind of healing in order to move forward from this situation but find the whole thing to be a complete MindF**k.
thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I agree pixipie, being involved with an A can be an overwhelming mindf**k.
In order to move on from the toxic relationship, I had to educate myself in the disease of alcoholism. In doing so it made it so much easier to let go, and get on with my life. I had to go no contact, it was rough at first, but in the end it I am certain it saved myself any additional heartache, and salvaged the last bit of sanity I possessed.
Your ex is responsible for his own recovery.
He is lying to his sponsor, he is lying to you, and he is lying to himself. He has a long way to go.
Reconnecting with him is only causing you more pain and hurt.
Perhaps now is the time to just let go and move forward with your own life. He is not available to be in a relationship at this time.
Go do something nice for you, enjoy the company of friends and family, embrace the new life that awaits you.
Sending warm thoughts your way.........
In order to move on from the toxic relationship, I had to educate myself in the disease of alcoholism. In doing so it made it so much easier to let go, and get on with my life. I had to go no contact, it was rough at first, but in the end it I am certain it saved myself any additional heartache, and salvaged the last bit of sanity I possessed.
Your ex is responsible for his own recovery.
He is lying to his sponsor, he is lying to you, and he is lying to himself. He has a long way to go.
Reconnecting with him is only causing you more pain and hurt.
Perhaps now is the time to just let go and move forward with your own life. He is not available to be in a relationship at this time.
Go do something nice for you, enjoy the company of friends and family, embrace the new life that awaits you.
Sending warm thoughts your way.........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
Thank you Marie, I appreciate your sharing. I have made the decision to send light and love his way whilst working on repairing the breach in my own heart. I have struggled with his severe treatment of me, a reframing of me that makes me appear to be something I know I am not. He was once one of my closest friends, turned absolute animosity filled stranger. It has hurt me very badly, especially when I personally accepted all his faults and was prepared to work closely with him. For my troubles I got no acceptance, just pure rejection for not adopting AA values and ideals. I will move forward from this with my integrity intact but my heart in a few pieces.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Note this, however. It is offensive to say you don't need Alanon because you are not mental. I'm not mental either, but I'm also far from perfect and have issues of codependency and control to address which I do in Alanon.
I would argue your rigid refusal to even consider it is indicative that there is, in fact, some kind of problem at some level. Let me be clear however that it is your problem separate entirely from your "friend" and his problems.
Deal with it, don't deal with it, go to Alanon or not, but don't imply that people who go to Alanon are mental. Some are, some are not, and some are the most healthy people you'll ever meet.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
I would argue your rigid refusal to even consider it is indicative that there is, in fact, some kind of problem at some level. Let me be clear however that it is your problem separate entirely from your "friend" and his problems.
Deal with it, don't deal with it, go to Alanon or not, but don't imply that people who go to Alanon are mental. Some are, some are not, and some are the most healthy people you'll ever meet.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
I wasn't implying people at AlAnon are mental, that was something he specifically said to me. Don't extend it beyond the context.
There is nothing wrong with making a choice that a particular framework (AlAnon) runs counterintuitive to my world understanding. I don't 'beleive' in the social construction of codependency and therefore don't hang my perception of my relationship with my RA upon this.
Healing can occur without these understandings, I feel comfortable with this. thank you for your contribution.
There is nothing wrong with making a choice that a particular framework (AlAnon) runs counterintuitive to my world understanding. I don't 'beleive' in the social construction of codependency and therefore don't hang my perception of my relationship with my RA upon this.
Healing can occur without these understandings, I feel comfortable with this. thank you for your contribution.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
Hi Dolly,
I've had this question asked several times, I have sought advice and guidance from friends with addiction, active and not active in AA, also from friends and aquaintances who have had involvement with AlAnon.
All look confused and asked me the same question...'did the sponsor tell you that, or him?'
the answer is - he did. He did, which leaves open the potential that he has been lying. I keep being told that a sponsor 'would never say that' but I have also crossed the fence and talked to ex-AA'ers and this crossing of boundaries is a common theme amongst their personal experiences of AA.
Whats the truth? Only my RA knows the answer to this, I can only relate what has happened to me and what I've been told, nevertheless if he is lying or is he isn't, this is highly problematic. One outcome displays an inappropriate use of control and power, the other demonstrates he is untruthful inspite of his adoption of AA frameworks. In either case, its pretty sad.
I continue to live my life and have active involvement with employment, friends, family, my children, I am trying which is better than giving up.
I've had this question asked several times, I have sought advice and guidance from friends with addiction, active and not active in AA, also from friends and aquaintances who have had involvement with AlAnon.
All look confused and asked me the same question...'did the sponsor tell you that, or him?'
the answer is - he did. He did, which leaves open the potential that he has been lying. I keep being told that a sponsor 'would never say that' but I have also crossed the fence and talked to ex-AA'ers and this crossing of boundaries is a common theme amongst their personal experiences of AA.
Whats the truth? Only my RA knows the answer to this, I can only relate what has happened to me and what I've been told, nevertheless if he is lying or is he isn't, this is highly problematic. One outcome displays an inappropriate use of control and power, the other demonstrates he is untruthful inspite of his adoption of AA frameworks. In either case, its pretty sad.
I continue to live my life and have active involvement with employment, friends, family, my children, I am trying which is better than giving up.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addicts lie, that is part of the disease. He will be an addict all his life, it is only a matter of whether he is clean or not.
He is not the first to use the sponsor thing as an excuse to break off a relationship. In my
opinion he has done just that.
He is not the first to use the sponsor thing as an excuse to break off a relationship. In my
opinion he has done just that.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Whether the sponsor told him that (bad sponsor) or your RA invented it (very bad "recovery" - or lack thereof, more likely), the end result is that this is a very bad dynamic, and a very unhealthy situation/non-relationship for you.
Do you really want to try to hold onto this "relationship," the way it's heading?
Feelings, good or bad, are important. Let yourself feel how you feel, and let yourself pass through those feelings and into the next.
Something I have learned is that "this too shall pass." That goes for all the bad feelings... and also for the good ones. Life is fluid, situations change, and life sometimes leads in ways I least expect, for good and for bad. I just keep on feeling how I feel, and try to hold onto the good feelings a little longer, and try to let go of the bad feelings a little faster. I also try to notice the patterns - if something usually makes me feel bad, I'll try to include less of that something in my life, and more of the somethings that make me feel good. That's not to say I'm going to eat chocolate all the time - I really like the way these pants fit right now and I'd rather not go hunting for larger pairs - but to try and do things that are healthy for me physically, spiritually, and mentally. (Chocolate, of course, falls into that last one!)
Keep taking care of you. That's the important thing, because wherever you go in life, the only person who is guaranteed to be there with you no matter what is you. If you take care of yourself and rely on yourself, then you have everything you need to get where you need to go and be who you're meant to be.
Do you really want to try to hold onto this "relationship," the way it's heading?
Feelings, good or bad, are important. Let yourself feel how you feel, and let yourself pass through those feelings and into the next.
Something I have learned is that "this too shall pass." That goes for all the bad feelings... and also for the good ones. Life is fluid, situations change, and life sometimes leads in ways I least expect, for good and for bad. I just keep on feeling how I feel, and try to hold onto the good feelings a little longer, and try to let go of the bad feelings a little faster. I also try to notice the patterns - if something usually makes me feel bad, I'll try to include less of that something in my life, and more of the somethings that make me feel good. That's not to say I'm going to eat chocolate all the time - I really like the way these pants fit right now and I'd rather not go hunting for larger pairs - but to try and do things that are healthy for me physically, spiritually, and mentally. (Chocolate, of course, falls into that last one!)
Originally Posted by pixipie 
I continue to live my life and have active involvement with employment, friends, family, my children, I am trying which is better than giving up.
That's the important thing, because wherever you go in life, the only person who is guaranteed to be there with you no matter what is you. If you take care of yourself and rely on yourself, then you have everything you need to get where you need to go and be who you're meant to be. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
Hi Dolly, Im not convinced this was soley his motivation. He had spoken of immense confusion, wanting the friendship but wanting a sexual relationship as well, but then wanting to drink when thinking about intimacy. I beleive he was lying to conceal exactly how much we'd been in touch as he feared disappointing his sponsor.I don't think he knows up from down. In any event his lack of transparency in the face of his issues is not healthy, and I for one have no appreciation for his forked tongue. Prior to revealing his addiction to me there was serious talk of a permanant relationship and children, something I had not wanted initially but after some negotiation I agreed with his request. In any event, who knows, only he does.
One of the things that Ive struggled with is how incongruent his attitude and behaviour is towards me in comparison to every other person I know. I realise alcohol clouds his rationale, but it really irks me to know Im probably being described as 'that nutty woman' he dated... something I note all his 'ex's' have in common when he talks about them... how convenient... its them not him! LOL.
Thanks Starcat for your kindness, its much appreciated
One of the things that Ive struggled with is how incongruent his attitude and behaviour is towards me in comparison to every other person I know. I realise alcohol clouds his rationale, but it really irks me to know Im probably being described as 'that nutty woman' he dated... something I note all his 'ex's' have in common when he talks about them... how convenient... its them not him! LOL.
Thanks Starcat for your kindness, its much appreciated
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by pixipie
In order for him to enforce this no-contact I have been threatened with police and legal action if I talk to him again
Originally Posted by pixipie
At the moment I am seeking my own kind of healing in order to move forward from this situation but find the whole thing to be a complete MindF**k. thanks for listening.
I personally accepted all his faults and was prepared to work closely with him. For my troubles I got no acceptance,
Prior to revealing his addiction to me there was serious talk of a permanant relationship and children, something I had not wanted initially but after some negotiation I agreed with his request.
it really irks me to know Im probably being described as 'that nutty woman' he dated.
Just something to consider -- I totally get that I really know nothing about you or him or the real nature of your relationship. Just a quick-and-dirty observation that you MAY want to consider.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
"Sounds to me like you are just p*ssed that he's listening to his sponsor rather than you and that he has rebuffed you so strongly."
I dont see this at all. I know before I learned more about this disease, and more about the family dynamics when an alcoholic is present in the home, I tried very hard to control my AH. At first, dont we all want them to listen to us rather than some stranger they meet at a meeting? Letting go and allowing the A to chart his own recovery course is probably the hardest thing a loved one can do. It is a very confusing time and very painful. With knowledge and understanding of the disease comes the acceptance (the whole I am powerless concept) and with acceptance comes growth and peace.
Sending you support pixipie, wherever your journey takes you -
I dont see this at all. I know before I learned more about this disease, and more about the family dynamics when an alcoholic is present in the home, I tried very hard to control my AH. At first, dont we all want them to listen to us rather than some stranger they meet at a meeting? Letting go and allowing the A to chart his own recovery course is probably the hardest thing a loved one can do. It is a very confusing time and very painful. With knowledge and understanding of the disease comes the acceptance (the whole I am powerless concept) and with acceptance comes growth and peace.
Sending you support pixipie, wherever your journey takes you -
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
thanks everyone for your feedback.
Firstly, after some rigorous examination of alcoholism, treatment, disease concepts, and a curious questioning of AA concepts and outlook, the related social understandings of codependency, high power, the 12 steps etc...... I politely agreed to disagree with everything AA brought to the table.
In order for control concepts to be valid, one must beleive in the framework that supports it. In an AA mind I would probably be described as controlling and probably incapable of true understanding because I won't admit Im powerless. The powerlessness concept is one that runs counterintuitive to my world view. Never the twain shall meet.
TJP - thank you for what you've said but yep, theres some massive leaps in there. This person misled me, utterly, concealed multiple addictions from me inside an open friendship of 4 years, fell apart when we became romantic and revealed an underbelly of dysfunction once love had entered the room. 'pissed' implies my being angry, I would more describe a complete state of confusion at how someone I trusted could do that. In the 6 months I have known about his alcoholism I haven't even seen him, he has been living in another city, all contact electronic. Difficult to have any control over someone in this context if I was trying to exert it. He has been 'pissed' that I would not accept AA into my life, and to be fair its my perogative, it didn't mean I cared less or wrongly. When discussing this with Ex-AAer's this theme of cold exclusion comes up again and again and to be sure these are people with years worth of experience inside the rooms. You've brought up some interesting quotes from me, but they are only a tiny window into everything and don't work out of context, but I thank you for your input.
StarCat - I shared an email he sent me with a good friend yesterday, her impression in a word -" this just sounds really really weird ". So Im going to go with your evaluation of delusional. I do know him to be highly paranoid. He has a high profile job in sports media management and has a highly manicured public personna. Given that by his own admission hes a 'drunken lying *******', you can see why he spends inordinate amounts of time fretting over whether his dark self is bleeding through the cracks.
Leaping - thank you for your compassion at this time, confusion is probably the buzzword in the room for me right now, but that is lessening over time. I realise alot of the disconnect between myself and my RA was my eventual decision to NOT accept an AA worldview, something I think he couldn't deal with. I remain open to him and close no doors, if he ever decides he would like to resume contact then I am happy for that to happen, hopefully he is well when this occurs.
Firstly, after some rigorous examination of alcoholism, treatment, disease concepts, and a curious questioning of AA concepts and outlook, the related social understandings of codependency, high power, the 12 steps etc...... I politely agreed to disagree with everything AA brought to the table.
In order for control concepts to be valid, one must beleive in the framework that supports it. In an AA mind I would probably be described as controlling and probably incapable of true understanding because I won't admit Im powerless. The powerlessness concept is one that runs counterintuitive to my world view. Never the twain shall meet.
TJP - thank you for what you've said but yep, theres some massive leaps in there. This person misled me, utterly, concealed multiple addictions from me inside an open friendship of 4 years, fell apart when we became romantic and revealed an underbelly of dysfunction once love had entered the room. 'pissed' implies my being angry, I would more describe a complete state of confusion at how someone I trusted could do that. In the 6 months I have known about his alcoholism I haven't even seen him, he has been living in another city, all contact electronic. Difficult to have any control over someone in this context if I was trying to exert it. He has been 'pissed' that I would not accept AA into my life, and to be fair its my perogative, it didn't mean I cared less or wrongly. When discussing this with Ex-AAer's this theme of cold exclusion comes up again and again and to be sure these are people with years worth of experience inside the rooms. You've brought up some interesting quotes from me, but they are only a tiny window into everything and don't work out of context, but I thank you for your input.
StarCat - I shared an email he sent me with a good friend yesterday, her impression in a word -" this just sounds really really weird ". So Im going to go with your evaluation of delusional. I do know him to be highly paranoid. He has a high profile job in sports media management and has a highly manicured public personna. Given that by his own admission hes a 'drunken lying *******', you can see why he spends inordinate amounts of time fretting over whether his dark self is bleeding through the cracks.
Leaping - thank you for your compassion at this time, confusion is probably the buzzword in the room for me right now, but that is lessening over time. I realise alot of the disconnect between myself and my RA was my eventual decision to NOT accept an AA worldview, something I think he couldn't deal with. I remain open to him and close no doors, if he ever decides he would like to resume contact then I am happy for that to happen, hopefully he is well when this occurs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I respectfully disagree...well for myself and my situation anyway. I won't project my own isuses onto anyone here.
But I AM MENTAL....
Yes I came into this relationship with my RAH already damaged.
It's one of the reasons I somehow chose him to be my partner...and he was not an active alcoholic at the time. He too was damaged. Had a drug problem...
I didn't see that as the same as being with an alcoholic.
I was raised to be damaged by living with an alcoholic parent, who in turn was raised by an abusive alcoholic parent himself...and the cycle continues...WAY WAY back.
I just don't know what to tell you except that al-anon will help you.
No one wants to walk through those doors for the first time....but I can say I look forward to my meetings now.
I love having a sounding board of people who know how I feel. Understand that I need support too...and I hope I do the same for them.
Al-anon will let you clearly see how you can heal yourself. How you can make good choices for yourself.
You know this isn't all about him. His alcoholism....you play a part. You still are.
You have choices too.
You know he isn't being honest with his sponsor.
How do you know what he's telling you.... the whole me or her kind of talk isn't just that talk....it sure gets him out of the problem of being in recovery...whether he wants to be or not. I suspect not.
I won't tell you what to do...but I wonder if no contact until he has a 6mo-1 yr chip under his belt may be best...with you attending al-anon.
FOR YOU. Not because "he insists". He can insist all he wants but it really is up to you...and he's only insisting because he thinks it will still be all about him...not focusing on you and your serenity.
But I AM MENTAL....
Yes I came into this relationship with my RAH already damaged.
It's one of the reasons I somehow chose him to be my partner...and he was not an active alcoholic at the time. He too was damaged. Had a drug problem...
I didn't see that as the same as being with an alcoholic.
I was raised to be damaged by living with an alcoholic parent, who in turn was raised by an abusive alcoholic parent himself...and the cycle continues...WAY WAY back.
I just don't know what to tell you except that al-anon will help you.
No one wants to walk through those doors for the first time....but I can say I look forward to my meetings now.
I love having a sounding board of people who know how I feel. Understand that I need support too...and I hope I do the same for them.
Al-anon will let you clearly see how you can heal yourself. How you can make good choices for yourself.
You know this isn't all about him. His alcoholism....you play a part. You still are.
You have choices too.
You know he isn't being honest with his sponsor.
How do you know what he's telling you.... the whole me or her kind of talk isn't just that talk....it sure gets him out of the problem of being in recovery...whether he wants to be or not. I suspect not.
I won't tell you what to do...but I wonder if no contact until he has a 6mo-1 yr chip under his belt may be best...with you attending al-anon.
FOR YOU. Not because "he insists". He can insist all he wants but it really is up to you...and he's only insisting because he thinks it will still be all about him...not focusing on you and your serenity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
Blwininthewind - thanks for your kind thoughts. I think that, for me at least, the reason Im so resistent to AlAnon is I pretty much just don't agree with the underlying structure, the basis for the way everything is asserted, the powerlessness concept, higher power, problematising care as codependency. I absolutely agree with you though from the point of view of having a support network of people caught in a similar situation, I think that holds unlimited value, but I think you should be able to get that without 12 stepping or 12 traditions.
The infallible logic of AA will see me as rigid and controlling and having issues Im not addressing, that way its about me, not about the institution itself, noone ever questions the validity of the arguments put forward by the organisation. But this is just my take on things, and I appreciate that people get great value for themselves from being part of a support network like AlAnon.
I didn't have alcoholic parents, and I've never dated an alcoholic before, however my stepfather was an abusive narcisssist. Prior to my involvement with my RA I had been in a non-violent long term normal relationship with a man, but we grew apart. We split up when the RA entered the scene. That relationship was a good choice, but personalitys and expectations changed and we no longer wanted the same things. I think I have responded correctly to the extreme circumstances my RA has placed me under, I think to react with confusion and a search for answers was appropriate, I understand I have a choice to continue or not, I cared for him deeply but was not able to see that through as his alcoholism effectively ended us. I was concerned that he no longer even used his own voice, his communication with me towards the end was a string of AA platitudes, I sent him a book 'touching the void' a story about 2 climbers facing insurmountable adversity in the Andes and their courage in the face of death. It was my way of saying to him I knew the journey was on was a tough one, but that he could make it. He won't even read it, because its not AA material. Oh well, what can you do.
I miss our wonderful friendship, but acknowledge I have other friends who I have been turning to in his absence. oneday maybe he will change his mind, but Im not counting on it, and am presently working through the grieving process, as this feels very much like a death.
The infallible logic of AA will see me as rigid and controlling and having issues Im not addressing, that way its about me, not about the institution itself, noone ever questions the validity of the arguments put forward by the organisation. But this is just my take on things, and I appreciate that people get great value for themselves from being part of a support network like AlAnon.
I didn't have alcoholic parents, and I've never dated an alcoholic before, however my stepfather was an abusive narcisssist. Prior to my involvement with my RA I had been in a non-violent long term normal relationship with a man, but we grew apart. We split up when the RA entered the scene. That relationship was a good choice, but personalitys and expectations changed and we no longer wanted the same things. I think I have responded correctly to the extreme circumstances my RA has placed me under, I think to react with confusion and a search for answers was appropriate, I understand I have a choice to continue or not, I cared for him deeply but was not able to see that through as his alcoholism effectively ended us. I was concerned that he no longer even used his own voice, his communication with me towards the end was a string of AA platitudes, I sent him a book 'touching the void' a story about 2 climbers facing insurmountable adversity in the Andes and their courage in the face of death. It was my way of saying to him I knew the journey was on was a tough one, but that he could make it. He won't even read it, because its not AA material. Oh well, what can you do.
I miss our wonderful friendship, but acknowledge I have other friends who I have been turning to in his absence. oneday maybe he will change his mind, but Im not counting on it, and am presently working through the grieving process, as this feels very much like a death.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I read your post over 3 times in a solid manner
What answers are you really searching for?...
If it didnt tweak your head or twist your heart, I dont think you would
be searching for sites relating to Alanon, do you?
I never use to be "mental", but after being married to an alcoholic.
I win the prize! ..."Mrs. Mental of 2011"
What answers are you really searching for?...
If it didnt tweak your head or twist your heart, I dont think you would
be searching for sites relating to Alanon, do you?
I never use to be "mental", but after being married to an alcoholic.
I win the prize! ..."Mrs. Mental of 2011"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 33
Bobby J - I agree Im trying to get a sense of how and why this happened. As for the mental thing, its difficult not to behave out of character from your normal self when a charismatic/lying/elusive/intense/passionate alcoholic enters the room. I think we adjust our normal selves to account for the cognitive dissonance an alcoholics behaviour wreaks on us. I think thats a normal coping mechanism, and I feel thats indicative of finding yourself sharing a space with an addict, as opposed to some innate faulty aspect waiting to be unleashed.
When I first joined this forum I had just learned about my RA's addiction issues, I came here open minded and ready to learn because I wanted to remain in his life in some helpful capacity, but something just didn't sit right with me. It still doesn't.
Im pretty sure you're not mental either
When I first joined this forum I had just learned about my RA's addiction issues, I came here open minded and ready to learn because I wanted to remain in his life in some helpful capacity, but something just didn't sit right with me. It still doesn't.
Im pretty sure you're not mental either
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
the 12 steps were/are designed to lead you to a spiritual awakening.......it happened in my life......just saying.......been in recovery from code and drugs and alcohol for 20 years......and respectfully it has worked for millions......if you are teachable.......
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I, too, struggled for months with many of the concepts of AA and Al-Anon, being a headstrong person myself. To me, "powerless" simply means I do not control the world, nor the alcoholic in my life. It reminds me of what I can control (me) and what I can't (everything and everyone else). I don't take it as I am not driving my own life-boat. Or that I have to sit around and wait for my "Higher Power" to make decisions for me and lead me around by the nose (that isn't reality!).
To me - the steps helped me to refocus and change my path.
Being in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic can make even the strongest and most emotionally balanced person totally "mental". These past few years have been one long mind-f*ck for me. I liken it to stepping into the Twilight Zone.
And big thanks to Marie1960's post above. Everything she wrote is spot on, and I needed the reminder today. Recovery is not instant change - it is it's own long, arduous process of learning new life skills. If AA works for him and keeps him sober - let him have it. That's all that matters, right?!
(((marie1960))) I wish I could double my thanks to you today. Copying and saving for later!
To me - the steps helped me to refocus and change my path.
Being in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic can make even the strongest and most emotionally balanced person totally "mental". These past few years have been one long mind-f*ck for me. I liken it to stepping into the Twilight Zone.
And big thanks to Marie1960's post above. Everything she wrote is spot on, and I needed the reminder today. Recovery is not instant change - it is it's own long, arduous process of learning new life skills. If AA works for him and keeps him sober - let him have it. That's all that matters, right?!
(((marie1960))) I wish I could double my thanks to you today. Copying and saving for later!
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