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First Time in Recovery, 27 y/o Grateful to have found this site



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First Time in Recovery, 27 y/o Grateful to have found this site

Old 10-20-2011, 05:56 PM
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First Time in Recovery, 27 y/o Grateful to have found this site

Hi everyone –

I found this site while seeking out some other support groups in addition to AA/NA. I’ve been clean since June 23, 2011, after getting arrested (again) on felony drug charges. I checked into a 28-day inpatient treatment program which made me truly focus on the devastation my addiction had caused myself and those around me. I have been focusing intensely on maintaining sobriety ever since, but truthfully it has not been difficult. I say that because the difference between my life now and the way it was before has been light and day – I can’t imagine turning back.

The past week I’ve been focusing on the “Step 1” of tradition 12-step programs – admitting I’m powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. I sat down and wrote out an exhaustive list of drugs that I’d taken over my 10 year run, and came up with a scenario in each instance where all of them had brought me to my knees. From heroin to keyboard cleaner to ketamine to crack, I abused them all until my body would shut down in one way or another. What I struggled with was the unmanageability part, because I was so good at deluding myself into thinking my life was manageable leading up to my arrest. I was getting up early, exercising, eating very well, running a legitimate web design business, and interacting with positive members of society. I was no longer taking ‘street drugs’ (I stopped those for the most part 3 years ago), but rather massive doses of Adderall, Klonopin, Xyrem (prescription GHB), anabolic steroids, and alcohol. I reasoned that I needed the Adderall for undiagnosed ADHD, Klonopin for undiagnosed anxiety disorder, Xyrem for narcolepsy, steroids for undiagnosed hypogonadism, and alcohol because it was socially acceptable. In other words, I was completely delusional. It’s funny looking back at how much that made sense to me at the time – how I had so completely convinced myself that what I was doing was normal.

Fast forward to the present. I’m still getting up early, exercising, eating well, running a web design business, but I no longer have drugs coarsing through my veins 24/7. I can sleep well at night, have a more honest and open relationship with my girlfriend, and not deal with the constant anxiety of wondering when I have to start tapering everything down and ween myself off. I still have a long road ahead of me – I’m looking at 1 year in jail sometime after Christmas. If I hadn’t used the time in treatment to adjust my mindset, I wouldn’t be able to come to terms with the jail sentence. At this point, it’s something that’s out of my hands that I will deal with when it comes. I look at it as more sober time – time I can use to read, write, workout, and reflect.

What has helped me is building a network of people who I can keep in touch with who are my age – almost all of them are people I met at rehab. I surrounded myself with ‘the winners’ – people I knew were serious about staying clean, and have proven that through continued sobriety. I have begun studying Buddhism and integrating its principles with 12-Step programs: two books I highly recommend are The 12-Step Buddhist by Darren Littlejohn and Mindfulness and the 12-Steps by Therese Jacobs-Stewart. I meditate daily, attend 12-step meetings in addition to LifeRing meetings, and work with a sponsor.

I think what has helped me the most is convincing myself that I can never use drugs or alcohol again – that the consequences of even one slip up would be so severe it would be devastating. In a large sense, I know that’s true. It has helped me to stay scared not only of drugs/alcohol, but the person I become when I begin to use. I have no ‘off’ switch.

My only hangup with 12-Step programs is the concept of a Higher Power. I’m an atheist, and I don’t think any amount of meeting attendance will change that. I think that through willpower and group support I can stay sober, but I’m open to ideas suggesting otherwise. I think for some people the spirituality component comes easier than for others – I’ve certainly had plenty of events in my life that would convince others that “someone has a plan for me”, but I chalk that up to amazing luck. That hasn’t stopped me from “working the steps”, because I don’t want to use a lack of belief in Higher Power as an excuse not to give the program an honest shot.

Anyway, it’s great to find an online community of like-minded people. I’m really looking forward to spending time here getting to know people, learning new things, and hopefully helping some people out.

best,
c
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:00 PM
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Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the jail time but glad to hear you're very directed toward sobriety.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:05 PM
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Welcome to SR!

Can you use "group of drunks" as your god? I know many athiests in 12 step programs. Keep strong. You can participate in meetings this coming year.
best wishes,
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:06 PM
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Welcome to the family.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by ClimbingBack View Post
I still have a long road ahead of me – I’m looking at 1 year in jail sometime after Christmas. If I hadn’t used the time in treatment to adjust my mindset, I wouldn’t be able to come to terms with the jail sentence. At this point, it’s something that’s out of my hands that I will deal with when it comes. I look at it as more sober time – time I can use to read, write, workout, and reflect.
I totally identify with this. I am probably not facing jail time but I have some legal repercussions coming my way and I just have to accept it, I never could have faced this before I got sober. Whatever happens I know I need to stay on track to get my life in order. Acceptance feels surprisingly good.

I'm also from CT! I love Mindfulness and the 12-Steps too.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:22 PM
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Welcome..stick around.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:46 PM
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Welcome!!!
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:47 PM
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Welcome CB!

Alot of great people here. SR is a daily part of my support. I think its so important for us all to keep learning from each other.

Thanks for the books suggestions..I jotted them down
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:21 PM
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I'm 27 too
Welcome to SR; I love this place and have received amazing support here!

All the best,
ZenJen
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Old 10-21-2011, 08:48 AM
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Welcome CB. I've also struggled with the concept of a Higher Power, in the sense of some supernatural force outside of myself takes an active interest in my life and doings...and were it not for the notion that I could choose whatever concept of "God" I wished, I would never have made it past the Third Step and I would have closed the Big Book halfway through the first chapter. Have you read "We Agnostics" in the Big Book? It helped me come to terms with some issues I had. It's hard to deny that their are powers greater than myself all around me (gravity or the sun, for instance). I've heard that most people who have a problem with the concept of "God" choose to use their AA group as their Higher Power. Don't let this hold you back. I've rarely read an introductory post on this board from someone who seems as optimistic and prepared for recovery as you.

--Fenris.
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Old 10-21-2011, 09:31 AM
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Welcome to SR, and thank you for sharing your story!
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