Feeling a little blah but doing ok
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
Feeling a little blah but doing ok
I just came home from my really great, fun vacation a couple of days ago, and my reality is really kicking me in the face right now. I "took a break" from my relationship with ABF a few days before I left, and he was looking at dating sites while I was gone (posted on his FB plain as day), and got drunk this weekend...well, that didn't surprise me...and called me while drunk. That conversation didn't last 20 seconds. 
Now I am really torn. I almost missed my flight back here because I wanted to stay. I was the last person to board the plane. It's where my sisters live, and I'm closer to them than anybody. I think that I could be happy there. It would put me in a weird financial predicament, but I really think it could work out for the best. I'm mentally trying not to categorize it as running away from my problems (ie, my ABF, mainly) and taking care of myself.
I went to my first AA/Al Anon meeting last night. I say both because I didn't realize I was in the AA meeting until it was too awkward to leave...and I had to read the 12 steps to the group. It was a nice perspective, and they had a great speaker who had recovered. I ducked out after the speaker was done over to the Al Anon group. They were more solemn in a way, and I could feel the spirit in there was a mix of love and acceptance. One person did notice my hand wrapped up and asked if I was ok. I had fallen out of a canoe with my sisters a few days ago and bruised and banged up my hand pretty good on a rock. It was really nice to have that acknowledged. My ABF didn't ask a damn thing about it which hurt.
Not caring what the BF is doing is actually easier than I thought. The control freak/codie in me is dying, and it's refreshing! I went over to his house before I left a week ago to see the kittens, and he upset me so I left. I didn't argue like I normally would have. I didn't count his cans like I normally would have or look for the hidden bottles of bourbon/rum in the guest bedroom. He picked me up from the airport on Tuesday and didn't say a word to me on the way home. In a way it was a relief, but I could tell how upset and angry he was deep down. I think he's stopped taking his anti depressants, but I'm not giving him his medicine anymore, so that's his choice to be unhappy if he wants. I'm sure he's thinking it's a personal punishment for him of some kind, knowing him.
All in all, I've only spoken to him maybe 20 minutes in the last week and a half. That's a major accomplishment in my eyes!!
I know that it will get easier as I go, and it will probably be a permanent break from him although I'm not to the point of accepting that yet. But deep down, I know it's for the best right now because he's just not in a good place. I can tell that he's trying damn hard to get through this on his own (and feels that I have abandoned him), but I can tell that he's struggling as well. I've given him all that I can and more, and I'm at peace with that.
Now I am really torn. I almost missed my flight back here because I wanted to stay. I was the last person to board the plane. It's where my sisters live, and I'm closer to them than anybody. I think that I could be happy there. It would put me in a weird financial predicament, but I really think it could work out for the best. I'm mentally trying not to categorize it as running away from my problems (ie, my ABF, mainly) and taking care of myself.
I went to my first AA/Al Anon meeting last night. I say both because I didn't realize I was in the AA meeting until it was too awkward to leave...and I had to read the 12 steps to the group. It was a nice perspective, and they had a great speaker who had recovered. I ducked out after the speaker was done over to the Al Anon group. They were more solemn in a way, and I could feel the spirit in there was a mix of love and acceptance. One person did notice my hand wrapped up and asked if I was ok. I had fallen out of a canoe with my sisters a few days ago and bruised and banged up my hand pretty good on a rock. It was really nice to have that acknowledged. My ABF didn't ask a damn thing about it which hurt.
Not caring what the BF is doing is actually easier than I thought. The control freak/codie in me is dying, and it's refreshing! I went over to his house before I left a week ago to see the kittens, and he upset me so I left. I didn't argue like I normally would have. I didn't count his cans like I normally would have or look for the hidden bottles of bourbon/rum in the guest bedroom. He picked me up from the airport on Tuesday and didn't say a word to me on the way home. In a way it was a relief, but I could tell how upset and angry he was deep down. I think he's stopped taking his anti depressants, but I'm not giving him his medicine anymore, so that's his choice to be unhappy if he wants. I'm sure he's thinking it's a personal punishment for him of some kind, knowing him.
All in all, I've only spoken to him maybe 20 minutes in the last week and a half. That's a major accomplishment in my eyes!!
I know that it will get easier as I go, and it will probably be a permanent break from him although I'm not to the point of accepting that yet. But deep down, I know it's for the best right now because he's just not in a good place. I can tell that he's trying damn hard to get through this on his own (and feels that I have abandoned him), but I can tell that he's struggling as well. I've given him all that I can and more, and I'm at peace with that.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
the 3C's
we did not cause this
we can not control it
and there is no cure...
read the stickies up on top...they will help...also...this is about you now...and no one else....and plus there was a reason to be in that AA group....i go once or twice a month...
open your heart and let the program of AL ANON in....it works if you work it....
we did not cause this
we can not control it
and there is no cure...
read the stickies up on top...they will help...also...this is about you now...and no one else....and plus there was a reason to be in that AA group....i go once or twice a month...
open your heart and let the program of AL ANON in....it works if you work it....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I had a chuckle at the AA vs. Al-Anon meeting experience...sounds to me like your HP led you there for a reason. Don't hesitate to go to a few open AA meetings. Listening to what real recovery sounds like is most enlightening! Between talking with other recovering alcoholics in meetings and here on SR, I can now say with confidence that I know the difference between a real recovery program and someone who is skating by, talking all the talk but not living it.
Maybe your break was a glimpse into the life you should be living...
Take care of you (and your hand!)
~T
Maybe your break was a glimpse into the life you should be living...
Take care of you (and your hand!)
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Sounds like you are making progress, if you would be happier living near family and you can swing it financially then maybe it would be for the best, always nice to have family nearby (when you get along with them).
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Best of luck to you,
Bill
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