simplex

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post this. I'm at a moment weakness/apathy. I've been waiting for 2 months to hear back from Georgia State University on a decision to strike 2 semesters from my college transcript. A bit of history (sorry for the length.) I went to a private college for 2.5 years ending in 2006. During this time my drinking/partying had escolated I had the wrong crowd of friends. Because of a series of personal losses, and my inability to face my drinking, and the crowd I had fallen in with, I chose to run away and transfer schools. My apartment had burned down, and I had also lost my longterm girlfriend, so leaving seemed like my only choice.

I transfered to GSU and proceeded to not go to any of my classes (my drinking had still escalated and I began dating what I know now as a fellow alcoholic.) Instead of withdrawing I just took 5 F's. I enrolled in the following semester and did the same thing. I eventually just quit going to class and failed all of them, again. I was too focused on going out and partying even still. At this point my transfer GPA of 2.9 had fallen to something like 1.2. I also realized that a lot of my classes at my private school were just generalized credits and didn't apply to the fine arts degree I was seeking at state. This sort of added to my sense of never finishing school. Well I placed on academic probation, but at this point I was working odd jobs living with my parents, not supporting myself, and the 2-3 college classes I was taking at the time were just sort of time wasters. I excelled in my major courses (art) because I have natural talent and I really take interest in them. But I ended up failing a class (history) in the end of 2008. That was the last straw and I was excluded from the university. Their exclusion policy says that I can't apply to re-enroll for 5 years. I didn't really care, or understand the seriousness of it at the time because I was making enough money to go out and drink, not pay rent or utilities or do any of the things that my peers were doing. I was basically a bum. But in my delusion of myself as being young and intelligent I would figure it out.

3 years have gone by since then nearly. I started turning things around in Feb. 2010 and have made great progress with drinking. Only relapsing once for a month since, back in may. I'm in a program of recovery and making great strides in my personal growth.

I have appealed the exclusion twice since 2008, and I recently requested a hardship appeal to strike those 2 semesters of F's from my record (this would allow me to be reinstated since my GPA would be high enough to get out of exclusion. Well I received the letter today saying that I was denied. My only option there is to wait until the end of 2013.... the 5 years.

My goal was to be back in school for spring semester in January. And now I don't see how that's possible. I have like 70 credit hours from Mercer, the original private school. But now my GPA is so low, I don't see how another university would take me even if I applied somewhere else....

I'm 26 now. I realize that i made some pretty poor choices but I'm trying to be accountable to them. I guess I didn't realize how many doors I closed for myself My full time job isn't enough for me to live on my own. I am living with my sister (paying like $200 rent, my own car insurance, cell phone, health insurance, credit cards) but I just feel ashamed I still don't really feel that I'm taking care of myself (paying my own way so to speak.) Or just doing enough in life. I still eat out all the time (unhealthy) and don't save a lot of money. I don't have my own place. I'm not even sure what I want to do as a career. Now even getting a bachelors seems impossible.

I'm doing work to improve myself, doing the program, reading non stop self help and philosophy stuff trying to expand my mind but it's like I cant' translate any of this stuff into action. I feel a little better about myself in a general way, better than say 2 months ago, but then I just think this is me being self delusional. I shouldn't feel good about myself because I'm always doing the bare minimum. I'm capable of more. I can't translate this into action to improve my external life. I know that material things aren't the aim for me anymore, but it's like the deeper I get into understanding who I am the more deficiency I see. I wonder if the things i'm doing, going to meetings, and all this stuff is just me avoiding reality and life. I've always had a problem with procrastination and just a tendency to avoid and evade life because of a generalized fear.

I just don't know. I want to go to a meeting tonight I have been going pretty frequently and I like them. I'm off work today but I feel like I should be looking at other colleges now and instead of going to a meeting tonight. Maybe me going to a meeting later is just an excuse to avoid facing the fact that I've got to get back into school.

I just feel apathetic and detached from everything. Sorry for the length of this, but one thing I'm trying to do is be accountable to reality instead of turning away from it. Thanks for listening.

06yz125

You sound like an intelligent young man and you have so many good years
ahead of you. Make the best of yourself..and DON'T DRINK. It only makes
things worse.

Good luck in school and just do your best. It will work out.

Anna

I know it's really hard when the consequences of drinking come back at us years later. But, know that you can get through this.

My suggestion is to strive for balance in your life. It doesn't have to be all recovery, or all school. You can do both. And, considering going to another school or doing some other kind of academic training is also worth pursuing. If you have a day off, go to a meeting andcheck out a new school. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Or, how about looking for a better job? You have options in your life. You need to take action and you will find your life opening up for you.

ClimbingBack

Hey man -

I just signed up for this site after seeing your post and wanting to get involved in an online community based around recovery. I can empathize with what you are going through in many ways. I too partied hard early in my college career and was forced to be placed on a medical leave. I transferred schools, withdrew again after my GPA plummeted, and had a very difficult time finding any direction or purpose during that time. Let me address a couple things that helped me greatly:

Forget about this. You're 26 years old and have plenty of time to turn EVERYTHING around. It took me 10 solid years of self-abuse and humiliation to finally start to pull my **** together and get back on track. You can only work with the present moment, so it will help not to dwell on the past. I went through periods where I thought "well I messed everything up so badly I might as well give up". Don't think that. You've made a commitment by creating this post to change yourself. That alone shows more motivation than most addicts will ever have to change their attitude.

Slow down and start to take things one step at a time. For me, it took a long time just to realize how much of a problem drugs were in my life. It wasn't until I eliminated them completely that I began to piece my life back together. That should be your top priority - staying clean. Then start to work on the other components one at a time. It can feel overwhelming when you sit down and take an honest look at your health, finances, living situation, and job, but you have to start thinking about small steps you can take to get you to where you want to be. For me, after staying clean, my top priority is staying in shape. This includes working out religiously and eating clean. I found that after getting those in line, I had more energy, more enthusiasm, and much more confidence. Everything else fell in line shortly thereafter. I can't promise it will do the same for you, but it's worth a shot. Think about making small changes in your diet -- start by learning to cook your own food (this will save money and force you to eat cleaner), and think about structuring some sort of workout routine (PM me if you need one, I'm a certified personal trainer). Check out this article from Zen Habits ('zenhabits' dot 'net' forwardslash '4' -- I cannot post actual link bc this is a new account) How I Changed My Life, In Four Lines, which reveals "how I changed my life, in four lines". I'll summarize it for you:

1. Start very small.
2. Do only one change at a time.
3. Be present and enjoy the activity (don’t focus on results).
4. Be grateful for every step you take.

I spent awhile reading a lot of theoretical recovery books and Buddhist texts, thinking that through sheer osmosis I'd embody what I was reading. I guess a lot of the text sunk in, but in order for it to make much difference, you really need to put it in action. You need to incorporate it into your life, which means going out and living.

I wouldn't view going to meetings as your way of 'avoiding reality'. I think for many people meetings are reality. It's a reminder of what got us to where we are, and what can happen if we turn back. I do understand what you're saying though, and sometimes get that feeling myself....like attending the meeting is just a way to kill some time and put off the 'real work' that needs to be done but make you feel good about yourself. Just be grateful right now that you're taking steps to stay clean. That is important. You'll find that as you learn to live clean, other areas of your life that suffered as a result of your use will start to improve. That will still require effort though, and there's no reason you can't take steps to speed along the improvement of those other areas of your life. Go to a meeting and take some time to look at colleges. Just get the ball rolling, even if it's just the first 2 minutes of that project.

Hope this helps, best of luck to you.

Dee74

There's so great advice here Simplex - we all face consequences - some get them right away - others wait a while - whenever they come they usually suck.

It took me a while to climb out of the hole I'd dug for myself - but then I'd been digging it for 20 years. The important thing is - I got out

I know you feel depressed and regretful and frustrated - but don't give into to the temptation to just sit there and stew in it - see a counsellor if you think this lack of motivation and depression is not going to lift....and get proactive in your recovery, because without your recovery everything else is in jeopardy anyway....

I hope everything works out for you
D

sugarbear1

Lots of great ideas here. You're going to meetings. If they're 12 step, have you worked the steps and are you working them daily? With a sponsor? And a network (people you talk to)? If the design for living is how you're living, as said you need to do the action.

Stop overwhelming yourself. All credits rarely transfer, no matter what. Universities & colleges want $. Being sober is #1 priority. Go to xa-speakers and listen to Clarence S. How it Works speech from 1982. He was the youngest of the first 40 and explains it well.

Remember you are young, one thing at a time. If you work aa, everything will fall into place. Have faith!

Best wishes!

simplex

Thanks very much for the wishes and advice.

@climbing back lots of great advice thanks for taking the time to write it all out. I think a specific thing that I've been neglecting is exorcise. I've thought about joining a gym for the past 2 months and haven't done so. I come up with tons of excuses either living in the past or a future projection of the way things will be. It's crazy lol. Something keeps telling me to do it, so I'm gonna listen to that voice and all the people that have actually told me to do it. I like those 4 things you posted too. The third (about being in the moment) is something that I'm really trying to practice. My awareness of the present is really something that takes work for me. I think like anything that requires practice it will become more natural the more I work towards it.

I'm working the steps slowly (I'm on 3 right now) I ended up meeting with my sponsor tonight, then staying for the meeting. My sponsor is helping me, he gives me an alternative perspective on things. I think my ability to allow a higher power into my life is going to make a lot of difference. Sometimes I have the tendency to put the cart before the horse in life, or in some cases just think I can move the cart myself with no horse at all hah.

I will remind myself that all of this is small steps like you guys are saying. I can't solve it all in a day or just by thinking about something a lot. But on the flip side, and I think this is where balance comes into play, I do have to do my part to get the ball rolling on some things. With recovery, I need to keep the ball rolling always. Sometimes I've just got to accept things as they are too.

I learn a little more everyday. I'm very grateful for this site and recovery in general!

fredstorch

So much great advice already said. Let me just mention that some of the most sucessful people I know didn't finish college, so if that is not your destiny, don't beat yourself up over it.

These sucessful people got somewhat menial got jobs in fields they enjoyed, excelled at them, got promotions, and then used that experience and those relationships to get hired by other companies that needed to fill vacancies with quality people, regardless of whether or not they were degreed.

You are on the right track! Get right with yourself, and sucess will follow.

LawMama

Congrats on your sober time! Sometimes it helps me to remember that in a big way, my day is successful even if the only thing I do is not take a drink. I can relate to the freaking out about academics, school, and career thing. The positive side is you are still super young and if you stay sober and keep working the program, miracles are going to happen. (I am not being condescending about the age thing...I'm around your age and try to remind myself that I'm still young lol).

Try to remember you can only do the next right thing and you cannot control today what is going to happen tomorrow. Your future is only going to come one day at a time, and when each day comes, if you do the next right thing, it will turn out fine (I repeat this to myself constantly. I honestly just figured out that the future comes one day at a time; what a relief!)

Have you considered getting some credits at a community college? You might be able to do that and boost your GPA if your long-term goal is to get a four-year degree. Also, I don't know what kind of career you are interested in, but there are lot of choices out there, not all of which require a four year degree. There are also lots of schools that, while they care about your grades, also look at other things like your admissions essay. Sounds to me like your story of recovery shows how determined you are and that would be attractive to a lot of schools.

Best of luck to you! And going to a meeting is not escapism! It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future, in my opinion.