Humingbird

hi, I fell on this site and I'm hoping I could get some advice from people who are vastly more knowledgeable than I am with alcoholism and dealing with a recovering alcoholic. I met someone just over a month ago. We hit it off from our first date, we spent quite a bit of time together over the next few weeks and really began to fall for eachother. One day I got a strange phonecall pretty early in the day, he sounded drunk.. which I could not understand given that it wasn't even 11am. The next 2 days he was not reachable, he would send strange random texts but never answer the phone. I got a sick feeling that something was very off, first I was annoyed, but then I got worried enough that I showed up at his door. And what I found was an absolute shock - for me. He had been drinking for 48 straight hours. He was a mess, sitting on his couch surrounded by many empty bottles of whiskey, and many more full ones. Food and garbage everywhere, he was cross eyed, couldn't focus, completely smashed. First I was furious, then as I started to take it all in, I was devastated. I tried to talk to him, but all he kept saying was he's sorry, he's an alcoholic and he's sorry. He puked all over me, I started to cry in complete panic that he would throw up in his sleep... and the thought of not having him in my life, even in this state, was devastating. He finally fell asleep and I left. Cried myself to sleep, woke up, went to work and began to make calls. I got a wonderful man who runs a rehab facility, he helped me understand the severity, etc. I hung up, and left work, went straight to my boyfriend's house, not knowing what I was doing exactly but just following my gut, and I ended up staying there for 4 days. He let me empty all the bottles, he went through detox, while I kept calling the rehab facility asking what I can do to help him go through this detox safely.. those people were angels helping me help him. When he got sober, he explained he is a bing drinker and drinks for days on end, but months could go by with nothing. I asked if he would consider going to this rehab facility for 30 days. I called so many places to get referals and I was very confident this was an excellent facility. He agreed immediately. The next week was him arranging his life, with me right by his side helping him with all the details, to prepare to leave for a month. He was determined, and said he is doing this for himself, but having my support and belief in him was extremely important. I spoke to his family, his best friend, his boss, his landlord... they all said what an increadible human being he is, who has a horrific disease. His best friend said I have no idea what I'm in for if I stay with him. The thing is, he is in my heart and I could not leave him at his apartment that day, and every day that followed until he left for the facility (a week ago). And before I knew it, I decided to try this relationship if he agrees to get sober. I am taking this one day at a time, my eyes are wide open, my head gets that he could relapse, that he might not be sober from now until the rest of his life, but my heart believes in him and I don't want to end our relationship. I'm scared though, and I don't know what my specific questions are to you, just anything I guess from people who have been through this, and are going through this... people other than my friends who are extremely nervous for me. They love me, I get it. But they think it's insane that I invest so much when I've known him for so little time. I get that, but what if his mom is right and I am his angel helping him get through this, and maybe helping him get sober for good this time. I love him already and I am just very confused and overwhelmed. Thank you for any words of wisdom you guys may have for me..

wellnowwhat

His recovery really, really needs to be his, it is not a "couple" thing.

You don't even know who he is, really. You've only known him for a month, and a month full of crisis and drama. New relationships are not even encouraged for the first year of recovery, because recovery involves sooooo much more than simply quitting the alcohol, he has to work on everything to really, really master the tools and awareness true sobriety requires.

I know it feels good when you are the calm, steady, helpful person when the drama is happening. I find the same satisfaction when I do volunteer work. But, how can you really build a relationship with someone you don't know and he doesn't know himself either.

His mother's sentiment about being "his angel helping him through his recovery" is comforting, but not realistic. I would strong encourage you, and his mother, to find Alanon and read and read and read to learn about co-dependency and alcoholism.

I hate to sound harsh, but I've been with my AH for 30 years (he wasn't an alcoholic when we met & married). If I had any inkling of what I was headed for, I would have left the relationship.

Read, learn, grow and allow him to recover and grow, and maybe give him a phone call in a year and see how he's doing and if either of you still feels the same. What's a years wait, over the course of a lifetime, if it's meant to be?

peaceful1

Leave the relationship until he is sober for a year. I know that's harsh, but if you don't you will regret it. Don't take on the responsibility of being his "angel"......you can't do it for him. I've been there. Done that.

sugarbear1

Codependency is serious. Try al anon. Work it. Focus on you. Welcome to a supportive site.

Fenris

Humingbird, I have to agree with what everyone else has said. I've been an active alcoholic all of my adult life and you have no idea what you're in for. I admit the possibility that he'll go to rehab, come back and everything will be rainbows and sunshine from there on out. The reality is, this doesn't happen as often as we'd like. You barely know him. You can't "save" him. Spare yourself some pain and walk away for at least a year. If you choose to stay with him, please consider going to some Al-Anon meetings.

--Fenris.

soberred

Humingbird, I have to agree with everyone else. When I read a couple of lines, the first thing that popped into my head was "co-dependent". I would guess you have a very kind, compassionate heart. Unfortunately, you are setting yourself up for nothing but drama. Starting a new relationship with that much drama is only a precursor for what is to come. He doesn't know himself anymore. How are you going to see the true him. Honestly, if you truly care about him, back away. It's going to be enough for him to stay sober, much less make someone else happy. Your not abandoning him.

YVRguy

I'd have to agree with wellnowwhat and others. I was in denial when I met my wife and I think she also did not fully understand she was hitching a ride with an alcoholic though my drinking would have shown it if she had known what to look for.

She has cut her involvement with the issue and left it to me to get on with the work I need to do. I did not even get near seeing how bad things were for a long time as my denial was very strong.

As a close couple , that's long over but we still are friends and live together. I am not a physically violent drunk , just argumentative and of course a mess .....

While I have encouraged her to go at Al Anon she has chosen not too. She can't own my recovery nor can I own hers.

During the times when I have been sober more than 90 days I am a different person but I have not made a year since our marriage. I think she would have chosen a totally different path if she knew what was ahead and if I was her , so would I.

Give it a year but let him own the recovery and that will help him more than anyone else can.

soberred

It's good she can get a different prospective.