Aysha

Is it crazy for me to think that I should stay and stew in my own consequences instead of running home and being protected once again by my bad decisions?
Go home its safer. Ok, I get it. But what will I learn?
I have always been protected from lifes consequences. This was a major tramatic thing that happened. Something has happened to me in my mind that I cant quite place.
I am very different and I dont know exactly what it is. I need to see my psychologist but she is in NY.
I can feel something has shifted inside me. And everyone else can see a huge difference in me.
Of course someone isnt going to be the same after almost being murdered.
I go back and forth from being ok to not being right at all. I have fallen into this depression and the need to feel like I have to have somebody to depend on. How contradictory is that?
I feel like I cant function on my own anymore.
I dont know. I am not the same, thats all I know.

grateful2b

Trish, ...you have helped many people here on SR...what advice would you give someone who came on here in your shoes looking for direction?
Going home to people who enable you I don't think is a good move for you.
You are probably dealing with PTSD and if you marched yourself off to treatment while the Universe has your attention, you would get the support you need on all counts.
you are in my prayers

SSIL75

Are you still using, Trish? It'll be hard to get a handle on what's going on no matter what. But especially if you're high.

aussieblue

Really glad you posted I was wondering if you were o.k.
I think it would be a good idea if you could get into some therapy now ,you have been through a major traumer . Stay safe.

least

You're still in FL and can't decide whether or not to go back to NY? I thought your plan was to go back to NY as it's safer for you. I don't know what you're going thru but I hope you're not still using. As long as you're using your decisions can't be good ones, you know that.

I hope you will get help, wherever you are. I fear for your life if you don't get help soon.

Dee74

I'm glad you posted Trish.

I'm not sure what your post means to be honest. I hope it's not doubletalk for nothing much has really changed cos that would suck.

Stay in FL or go back to NY...or go somewhere else....but make sure wherever you go you're heading to change and towards help.

D

Surlyredhead

Trish,

I am praying that you get the strength to do what you know you have to do. I know way to many people who have died because of their decisions. You know what to do.....it is time to do it. Each time you go out, it gets worse...just like it does for everyone....please, choose to live. You have more than most here, and that is a family that still will offer support, even if it is from far away. There isn't a person on the planet that can make you stop using, only you can do that.

You matter...you are important...you have people who love you....you are beautiful inside and out....you have a story that needs to be told, and you can't do that if you die and Trish, that is not far away if you continue down the same path. Give up, you can't beat this disease, you are powerless against it...but you can get better...one day, one step, one second at a time...

Cathy

Hevyn

I agree - please choose life, Trish.

Anna

Trish, it doesn't make any difference where you are.

It's all about what you are doing to recover.

Prayers for you, as always, Trish.

Horselover

Dont just count your days...Make your days count!


It may not get easier, But it will get better.

I like these signature lines because they came for a clear headed Trish that wanted to help people and had a reason to be sober. The self love can't begin until you stop abusing yourself. I am sure you can do it, but I'm not sure you will do it. Don't make this almost murder your signature line. Get counseling and move beyond it. Get help Trish.

sugarbear1

There are professionals in all states. You can work through your PTSD. I did. The man I married tried to take my life. It took help & work to get over it. You can do it. First, stay stopped. You have support here!

Aysha

I am still using and still running around the streets like a complete lunatic. Who does that? I am not using or runni gnearly as much, not that that makes a difference.
I just cant seem to get myself to get on that plane or to do anything at all. Its like I am stuck and I dont care. I sit ion that same spot where I almost bled to death almost everyday. And when I do I think to myself, What is wrong with me? I dont know why I feel the need to go back there again and again. ANd its like it doesnt even phase me at all. But I know somehow it has in a huge way.
I dont know how to get myself to help myself. I want to but its like I am paralyzed.
Like somehow I may deserve this life. Even tho I know I dont. At least I dont think I do.
Well I have to go. Thank you every one. Even tho I may not take the advice and I come here with these pointless posts. It makes me feel good that you all take the time to care.

aussieblue

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can find your way to a better life and learn to love yourself. Take care.

least

This makes me sad and worried for you. You've already had a brush with death, why do you want to get closer to it? Your 'luck' is going to run out someday, maybe today, and you're just tempting fate with your risky behavior. I don't know what else to say to you... We care alright, but our caring means very little if you don't care for yourself.

kiki5711

You sound like you're romancing "death". Being sober, responsible, part of the "living" society rather than the "zombie" society is hard work. It's easier to just die and have people pitty and feel sorry and cry for you. It takes no effort and gets lots of sympathy.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear this too Trish.
You know what's happened for the last 20 years - what exactly do you think is going to happen this time?

Some of us pull up out of that downward slide in time...I really hope you're one of them because you have a lot to give - if only you can start to see the value in yourself

D

eJoshua

Hey there,

Sorry, I don't know your story, but I do feel for you. It sounds like you don't really care for yourself or see any value in yourself, but you are a human and you are worth saving. Moreover, it seems apparent that a lot of people care about you. I hope you come to realize that you are worth saving.

Liberty47

Go to a meeting, raise your hand, and ask for direction. Find a sponsor. This may sound like putting a band-aid on that gushing wound, but what do you have to lose? You don't even have to go sober. You may find that angel that can help you turn your life around. If not, the sidewalk will still be there when you go back outside.

Rusty Zipper

trish,

put the damm pipe down!!!

start with that

as it's the voice of the pipe taking all that shhit to you

Aysha

I am goign home next Tues. I have made my reservation. Now hopefully I can get on that plane.
When I get home I am probably going to look into some kind if treatment. Inpatient is so hard to get in to up there. But IOP is the easiest.
I had another incident that I wont go into. I will die if I dont leave. This one didnt land me in the hospital but my face is messed up pretty bad. Sick part is, I still dont see the real danger in it all.
After awhile and after so long all of this becomes normal.
I always said it will be the life style that kills em not the drug.
I am going back to the house and go back to sleep./