worriedwife2

Hello,

I haven't been here in a while. My story is so much like the others I am very codependent, get better for a while and then down hill I go. This is a different story tho. After all the years of alcoholism, drug addiction and one affair, I have stuck through it with him. I suspect he is having another affair, but of course he denies it. I have looked at his phone records, found out who she is and have even seen his car at her apartment. I confronted him with this and of course, he denies and turns the blame all back on me. I haven't printed out the phone records for fear he will flip. He has a very bad temper. I have an 8 year old daughter and a wonderful support system. I don't know what my problem is. I guess I am just waiting for actual proof of seeing them together.

I know I am rambling and probably not making any sense. We are so in debt that I don't know how I could afford to leave. We both have very good jobs, but still in such debt. He threatens me about never taking my daughter away from him because he had one xwife do that already. I told him I would never do that to him, but he holds this over my head. My daughter worships him. My friends and family all support me, but they tell me to hang on for the end result, he will get stupid and slip up. My daughter adores him. I have finally come to the realization, I am being verbally abused and accepting the unacceptable. He has such a way of manipulating and turning things around on me. We have been married 11 years. I know I need to call an attorney and see what my options are. I live in a very small town that the nearest Al-anon meeting is 30 minutes away. I read here every day and you guys are the absolute best. I know what I should be doing, but am so afraid. There I said it.

I put on this big act of being strong, but I am so weak. Any advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

Thanks so much,
WorriedWife2

MsPINKAcres

((WW2))

I hate that you are in such a difficult situation - mine was a similiar miserable life - I lived it for over 17 years,

Together my ex ah & I had 5 daugthers. My sponsor asked me one time to stop and take a very realistic look at my life, my marriage and my relationship with my then ah. She said "Is this the life, marriage and love that you want for your daughters?"
I replied "Of course not! I want so much more for them"
She said "Then why are you giving them the example, that all of this is acceptable behaviors?"

That was an eye opener for me ~ I was letting my daughters know that it was ok for a man to be emotionally and mentally abusive. If I wanted them to have something different, I had to be willing to show them I was willing to do something different.

It wasn't easy. It cost me several years of painful struggles to finally get the divorce, financial ruin, bankruptcy and losing my home ~ but once I started it - I realized how precious my freedom was to me.

Today, I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road, rather than go back to that horrible life.

So Grateful to Happy, Joyous and PINKFully FREE!

wishing you the very very best,
Rita

fedup3

worriedwife2, I understand about the fear. I too lived in fear for years to make any kind of move to free myself but I finally realized it was having terrible adverse effect on my health, emotions that I just got to the point I couldn't ride the rollercoaster any more. I just had to face my fears and put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I pray you will find the courage for you and your daughter to do what is best for the two of you.

fedup3

Also, the best way to ease some of the fear is with knowledge, go and see an attorney and find out options that you have it doesn't mean you have to jump right away into acting on it but it will ease some of your fears I know it did for me. You're not alone.

worriedwife2

Thank you, Rita and Fedup. I called this morning and have an appointment on November 1 with an attorney. I just can't get over the cheating also.

wanttobehealthy

Your story is very very familiar to me. I live in a small town, AH is very functional, well respected, I lost my job last Spring and have felt financially tied to AH... and yet despite all of this, things got bad enough or maybe I got sick enough of living in hell day in and out, that I made AH move out several months ago. We will have to sell our house at a loss and my credit will get wrecked (shortsale is what it's looking like). I don't make enough (I have a new job) to support the girls and I myself (D6 and D3) so we will remain someone tied to AH financially... Things are really challenging on a pragmatic, day to day level but all that aside, it is far far better to be apart and headed toward divorce, than it was to continue living as we were.

m1k3

As the adult child of an alcoholic parent I can tell you from experience that you are not doing your daughter any favors by staying with him.

Your friend,

Pelican

My story is similar to yours and my motivation was just as PinkAcres = my children.

I did not want my daughter to accept the things I was accepting.
I did not want my son to treat his partner the way I was being treated.

Yet, I was modeling an unhealthy relationship by continuing to accept unacceptable behavior from my life partner.

Two things that really helped me get clarity and focus: Alanon and a lawyer.

I drove 30-40 minutes to a meeting each week. I encourage you to utilize your local support system to help with childcare while you do this for yourself. Being in a room of sober, caring adults for one hour is amazing. They let you speak without interruption, listen without judgement, and offer hugs without smelling like a brewery! I don't know about you, but that didn't happen in my house!

I forgot what it was like to have someone care about what I was feeling.

I needed two legal consultations to make a decision. They offered different advise. The first appointment left me very depressed. I tried again, and was glad I didn't give up after the first consultation.

Sending you encouragement and support!

blwninthewind

I like Pelican met with a lawyer who looked at me and laughed.

HE LAUGHED.
He told me basically that I have nothing to complain about but if I wanted a Divorce he could do it. He was like 80 yrs old and apparently very old school...women don't matter kinda guy. He would be great to represent my AH I guess.

I walked out and met with someone else who was much more understanding, a woman with experience with Alchoholism....and she offered me the support and HONEST truth about my rights...
Don't accept the unacceptable. Good luck.

worriedwife2

Thanks so much for your kind words everyone :-) I really just need to start believing in my self worth and not believing his manipulations that I am the one who has given up yada, yada, yada! I have tried so hard and I'm just done with the rollercoaster. I just need the confidence now.

Thanks again,
Worriedwife2