Juliagoolia

I have been doing so good thanks to you all....your words stay with me daily. I have had a problem in the past when not hearing from my AB that I would text or call late at night. For multiple reasons. I want to hear from him. I'm lonely. I miss him. I'm CO dependant. I'm mad that he can so easily shut me out. So 6 days of none of that and I started to be proud. Even though I'm angry that he hasn't checked on me. I was still proud. We never broke up we got back together on a sober spell and after a month it all started again. Not being on time showing up drunk. The last night I saw him he was so wasted he let his friend yell at me for looking at a bottle of vodka on the floor. So I left. There was no ending no closure. A week later he texted me and said he was still angry at me and would call me when he was ready LOL. Anyway I did find out for sure tonight that he is in fact spending time with another woman. I should say kid. She's quite the winner herself. I am so angry with him. I know all he's doing is getting drunk all day with her. I know this is my sign. To bail but I'm mad. Every month that passes he gets worse and worse he's lost his job has no $ started dabbling with drugs. Lying lying lying. He has said to me he knows he has a problem. He has been sober weeks at a time. He is spiraling out of control. Never would he do these things he has never had some casual relationship in his life and now its so easy. Sorry I'm ranting. Worse part is this girl knows he has a really bad problem and she buys him liquor. So tonight I'm a little bit sadder. Tonight my faith is rocky. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid he's going to die.

dollydo

He is doing what addicts do, this is out of your control. Until he seeks and embraces a strong recovery program he will continue to get worse. This is a progressive disease that
has no cure. It is only a matter of whether he is drinking/drugging or not.

Turn him over to the HP and let go.

Get your life together, go out with your friends, visit with your family, work on your recovery from codependency, obsessing about another is a sure sign that you are indeed codependent.

Life is what you make of it, make it a good one....for you.

LifeRecovery

It is hard. I spent last year so worried about my loved one that I did not do a very good job of taking care of myself.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this.

I did find turning over my loved one to his Higher Power was helpful. When I tried doing it to mine I found myself leaning towards getting crazy about how I wanted it to look. However that is my own issue, and I know many find praying in general easier than I do.

What can you do for you?

I found counseling, Al-anon, and though crazy and obsessive reading about addiction really helpful for me during this time. I also found exercise, talking with loved ones, and actually watching lots of reruns on TV good for me during this time too. I took up knitting and crocheting in a woman's group etc. What can be your go to items for you?

Tuffgirl

Julia, go back and read your words carefully, in the frame of mind that you are giving advice to a female you care about (your BF, daughter, sister, etc.) and they were describing this guy to you. What would you say to them?

ButIKnowBetter

Oh I am going through the same thing... I just posted. My A BF will mess up in a HUGE way, I will put my foot down, its over. He will be sorry for a few weeks, then almost like clockwork he stops trying. And I know... hes found someone else. Like the weakling I am so I can have that control back I afree to then take him back if he cuts this new person out of his life. The next day I cant face my mirror. I am not this pathetic, low self esteem woman, am I??? I feel your pain. I always end up calling him and being the crazy one once he is moving on. Makes me wonder- does an addict really even care who they are in a relationship with? Or just that they are in fact in a relationship... this last one my ex picked was a real winner also.

Juliagoolia

Tuffgirl, I would say run run run as fast as you can. I know my heart gets in the way of my mind. For being so logical I am so illogical. Thank you. I had a minor set back. Today is a new day. I have a wonderful daughter some amazing friends and a HP I know is watching out for me. But I know u r all so very right I just need to keep hearing all this over and over like a song until I memorize it. I do struggle with putting things in my HP hands. So letting go is not as easy as I would like, but I will get there. Have a wonderful day.

TakingCharge999

Leaving an active alkie was the single most difficult thing I have ever done.
Then to add insult to injury you know they are spending time with someone else already! that alone hurts, then the alcoholism...

Precisely because they are doing what they are doing, we need to stay away.

Struggle all you wish... just keep the No contact. It is worth it. And if you break it, its ok, just know many of us thought "this time it will be different" and we just got more hurt. Its like "one more bottle".... and we know where that leads...

You can do this.

Tuffgirl

Yes you can do this. Knowing there is a better life out there for us and feeling that can be two very separate things until the moment happens when what we think and how we feel about it converge. I am fond of saying "I know it, I just don't feel it yet!".

This too shall pass.

onlyliveonce

I am going through some feelings very similiar with my EXAH as far as the contact issue. I think about him WAY MORE than I care to admit. I try to just tell myself to think about him 15 minutes a day and that's all...it's not that easy. One thing that has helped me is anytime I am thinking about him and what he's doing I'm not thinking about myself and what I should be doing (which is not be thinking about him )

I try to stay busy but he creeps in my mind all the time (seems like at least to me)....I'm codependant and a work in progress so I continue on and know that this too shall pass (hopefully NOW would be fine. All I do know is everyday I don't hear from him I don't cry or get upset and have my day ruined and i get a little bit stronger each day. I am lonley now but I was just as lonleey and miserable with him. It's tough but we have to break away from these unhealthy relationships!! 20 years of madness and chaos was enough for me. I still love him just can't be with him and for now, I'm ok with that cause that's what's best for me and our son...to be safe and not living with an active alcoholic. Keep posting the suppport and strength you will get here is amazing!!