Trying to remove myself from the chaos...but feels guilty.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
Trying to remove myself from the chaos...but feels guilty.
I just need to vent....
Almost one month ago, my boyfriend and I of almost 8 years ended things. Over the past two years his drinking had been getting out of control, during those two years he cheated on me, blamed me, manipulated me, and has emotionally and mentally hurt me. I was relieved after our split, sad but relieved. Then this past Sunday, after numerous attempts of him trying to contact me I called him (I know a major mistake)....he went on and on about how he made the biggest mistake, doesn't understand how he could do this to me...blah...blah...blah. After talking he decided that he wanted to go to rehab. Come Monday, he was on his way rehab, a mutual friend took him. Apparently, through the intake evaluation he was told that he doesn't need an intense patient care, just detox. So, he's there for the next 7-10 days. Again, I was relieved, for the next 7-10 days I wouldn't have to worry about him hurting himself or anyone else. On Tuesday, he was already calling me - he said that he was allowed phone time when there is down time, so he purchased a phone card. First phone call was to see how I was doing, and huge part of me was irritated....I told him I was at work and would talk to him later. I got a hold of a mutual friend, and learned that he was maintaining contact with people that more than likely will not be able to support his sobriety. He called again, last night, again, he asked how I was and explained that he had completed his first AA meeting....I know I was distant, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I need to stop doing this, that I cannot be his friend, that trying to support him (even though I do) feels like that I have to put all my hurt aside so I can be there for him. I told him my concern about his choice in friends/support system....and told him that I need time to heal and move on before I could be there for him. He responded by saying, "well, I guess I'll talk to you when I'm on the 5th step". I said that I hoped he understood where I was coming from, and he said he did and that he had to go and would leave me alone. Today, no phone call.... Part of me feels so guilty for turning away from him, and the other part of me doesn't understand how I could feel that way with the way he treated me, how when I needed him - he was never there. I feel like I am crazy....and I find myself questioning if what I did was the right thing.
Almost one month ago, my boyfriend and I of almost 8 years ended things. Over the past two years his drinking had been getting out of control, during those two years he cheated on me, blamed me, manipulated me, and has emotionally and mentally hurt me. I was relieved after our split, sad but relieved. Then this past Sunday, after numerous attempts of him trying to contact me I called him (I know a major mistake)....he went on and on about how he made the biggest mistake, doesn't understand how he could do this to me...blah...blah...blah. After talking he decided that he wanted to go to rehab. Come Monday, he was on his way rehab, a mutual friend took him. Apparently, through the intake evaluation he was told that he doesn't need an intense patient care, just detox. So, he's there for the next 7-10 days. Again, I was relieved, for the next 7-10 days I wouldn't have to worry about him hurting himself or anyone else. On Tuesday, he was already calling me - he said that he was allowed phone time when there is down time, so he purchased a phone card. First phone call was to see how I was doing, and huge part of me was irritated....I told him I was at work and would talk to him later. I got a hold of a mutual friend, and learned that he was maintaining contact with people that more than likely will not be able to support his sobriety. He called again, last night, again, he asked how I was and explained that he had completed his first AA meeting....I know I was distant, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I need to stop doing this, that I cannot be his friend, that trying to support him (even though I do) feels like that I have to put all my hurt aside so I can be there for him. I told him my concern about his choice in friends/support system....and told him that I need time to heal and move on before I could be there for him. He responded by saying, "well, I guess I'll talk to you when I'm on the 5th step". I said that I hoped he understood where I was coming from, and he said he did and that he had to go and would leave me alone. Today, no phone call.... Part of me feels so guilty for turning away from him, and the other part of me doesn't understand how I could feel that way with the way he treated me, how when I needed him - he was never there. I feel like I am crazy....and I find myself questioning if what I did was the right thing.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Yes, you did the right thing. He is where he needs to be and while there, he should be concentrating on himself and learning what he needs to know for when he's back out in the world. It sounds like you are doing just fine when he's not in contact with you, so the best thing for you would be to end all contact. He'll be fine. He'll either take what he's supposed to be learning to heart or he won't. That has nothing to do with you.
Hang in there and take care of yourself. Do something extra special for you. You deserve it. Hope you'll hang around here and do lots of reading and posting. It really will help. Welcome to SR!
Hang in there and take care of yourself. Do something extra special for you. You deserve it. Hope you'll hang around here and do lots of reading and posting. It really will help. Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Ask yourself this... why did he wait until NOW to enter rehab? Why didn't he go a month ago?
he is manipulating you into being his support system...while he pretends to get 'better'.
If he were serious about recovery he would have at the very least made some preparations to do so...attend AA, talk to a counselor, something!!!
Your being played. Stand strong and do what you need to for you. You don't have to be pulled into his chaos and drama. It really is your choice.
he is manipulating you into being his support system...while he pretends to get 'better'.
If he were serious about recovery he would have at the very least made some preparations to do so...attend AA, talk to a counselor, something!!!
Your being played. Stand strong and do what you need to for you. You don't have to be pulled into his chaos and drama. It really is your choice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Now that he is out of your life, what steps will you take to heal yourself?
Loving an alcoholic robbed me of my self-esteem and myself. I rediscovered myself by attending Alanon meetings, self-help books and SR.
Have you tried finding local Alanon meetings for yourself?
Let us know how we can support you as you recover from this relationship.
Now that he is out of your life, what steps will you take to heal yourself?
Loving an alcoholic robbed me of my self-esteem and myself. I rediscovered myself by attending Alanon meetings, self-help books and SR.
Have you tried finding local Alanon meetings for yourself?
Let us know how we can support you as you recover from this relationship.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this is what A's and addicts do...and boy ole boy...they do it so well dont they....i like mine when he blames me for all of his problems...(wonders who he is blaming now...lol)
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