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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I'm Mushishi, and I'm a 23 year old alcoholic. I became an alcoholic because of my dissociative disorder known as "Depersonalization". Don't get me started on it, but if interested you can look it up.
I've always felt like as long as I have my disorder I'll always drink. Alcohol is the ONLY thing I've found that makes me feel normal; opposed to the Depersonalization. Depersonalization is hell, and after a couple drinks, its gone, and of 'course, I got a buzz for a bonus. So to me I feel I'm more at risk to being addicted. Not only that, but my mom drank alcohol while I was still in the womb, so I'm pretty sure I was born an alcoholic.
I had my first drink when I was 21. From there on, I drank maybe once a week. No more than like 4 beers. Not bad eh? Well, when I developed my condition, that's all I do now but drink. I've quit multiple times within my 2 years of drinking, but I always relapse after a week. The most I've gone was 2 weeks without drink. Currently, I am on day 6 of no drink. So yay me. But, is it worth it?
I'm just wondering... How long does it take before the depression goes away? I'm already depersonalized, an alcoholic, and now severe depression. I take Zoloft, and that stuff is sketch when it comes to drinking. I'm on 50mgs, and I'de prefer not to up my dose due to side-effects and vision problems I experienced when I was on 75-100. I'de prefer it to be off Zoloft completely, but I can't kick both Zoloft and alcohol at the same time.
I feel completely hopeless. Like life has no meaning. I'm just an observer watching life happen. I'm so numb. I'm tempted of getting a bottle of xanax off the street, drink a 12 pack and just wait for the train.
Depersonalization is supposed to be temporary, ranging from a few hours to a few decades. I've had mine for 3 years.
I can't hold a job. I get way too emotional. With my DP I push everyone away, and it's gotten worse with the alcohol. My body nor my wallet can afford alcohol, so I know now it's seriously time to quit. Alcohol let's me escape my mental condition for awhile, but in the end I'm still me. Doctors don't know what to do with me, and I'm out of insurance now as well. I fear I'm going to end up dead or homeless. There are TOO MANY things happening in my head. I've tried so many meds and herbal remedies, practiced zen meditation. I'm just miserable.
When I had DP and wasn't drinking yet, I guess life was somewhat bearable, but now I feel it's completely unbearable. I feel I'm always on trial, and I'm constantly looking for a place to run. Like I'm having a panic attack ALL THE TIME.
The worst of the withdrawals go away after the first day of sobriety. The first three days are the worst on my body. With little sleep and etc. After the first week, I'm pretty much okay after that. But then it all goes to my head. Massive depression. A depression so dark, accompanied with the depersonalization; only two thoughts swim through my head... Alcohol... Suicide... Alcohol... Suicide...
Anyway, I duno what to do. I'm done with doctors, and I'm too angry for therapy, etc. I'm like the most horrible person or something. I just hate everything now.
I'm attempting to stay sober for 3 months so I can see if my brain gets back to gear. I know alcohol can damage things in the head that take awhile to repair. Something with GABA or whatnot.
I even tried that stuff called, "Baclofen". But I couldn't go on with it because I couldn't sleep on it. Like I seriously just wouldn't sleep. I've been in limbo for far too long.
I've always felt like as long as I have my disorder I'll always drink. Alcohol is the ONLY thing I've found that makes me feel normal; opposed to the Depersonalization. Depersonalization is hell, and after a couple drinks, its gone, and of 'course, I got a buzz for a bonus. So to me I feel I'm more at risk to being addicted. Not only that, but my mom drank alcohol while I was still in the womb, so I'm pretty sure I was born an alcoholic.
I had my first drink when I was 21. From there on, I drank maybe once a week. No more than like 4 beers. Not bad eh? Well, when I developed my condition, that's all I do now but drink. I've quit multiple times within my 2 years of drinking, but I always relapse after a week. The most I've gone was 2 weeks without drink. Currently, I am on day 6 of no drink. So yay me. But, is it worth it?
I'm just wondering... How long does it take before the depression goes away? I'm already depersonalized, an alcoholic, and now severe depression. I take Zoloft, and that stuff is sketch when it comes to drinking. I'm on 50mgs, and I'de prefer not to up my dose due to side-effects and vision problems I experienced when I was on 75-100. I'de prefer it to be off Zoloft completely, but I can't kick both Zoloft and alcohol at the same time.
I feel completely hopeless. Like life has no meaning. I'm just an observer watching life happen. I'm so numb. I'm tempted of getting a bottle of xanax off the street, drink a 12 pack and just wait for the train.
Depersonalization is supposed to be temporary, ranging from a few hours to a few decades. I've had mine for 3 years.
I can't hold a job. I get way too emotional. With my DP I push everyone away, and it's gotten worse with the alcohol. My body nor my wallet can afford alcohol, so I know now it's seriously time to quit. Alcohol let's me escape my mental condition for awhile, but in the end I'm still me. Doctors don't know what to do with me, and I'm out of insurance now as well. I fear I'm going to end up dead or homeless. There are TOO MANY things happening in my head. I've tried so many meds and herbal remedies, practiced zen meditation. I'm just miserable.
When I had DP and wasn't drinking yet, I guess life was somewhat bearable, but now I feel it's completely unbearable. I feel I'm always on trial, and I'm constantly looking for a place to run. Like I'm having a panic attack ALL THE TIME.
The worst of the withdrawals go away after the first day of sobriety. The first three days are the worst on my body. With little sleep and etc. After the first week, I'm pretty much okay after that. But then it all goes to my head. Massive depression. A depression so dark, accompanied with the depersonalization; only two thoughts swim through my head... Alcohol... Suicide... Alcohol... Suicide...
Anyway, I duno what to do. I'm done with doctors, and I'm too angry for therapy, etc. I'm like the most horrible person or something. I just hate everything now.
I'm attempting to stay sober for 3 months so I can see if my brain gets back to gear. I know alcohol can damage things in the head that take awhile to repair. Something with GABA or whatnot.
I even tried that stuff called, "Baclofen". But I couldn't go on with it because I couldn't sleep on it. Like I seriously just wouldn't sleep. I've been in limbo for far too long.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family.
Congrats on your six sober days. If you are taking Zoloft for depression it may not work as it should if you drink, as alcohol is a depressant in itself and will negate the effects of the anti-D's.
Why do you think you're "too angry for therapy"? Therapy is to help you understand and be comfortable with yourself so if you're angry a lot therapy might be able to help with that.
Congrats on your six sober days. If you are taking Zoloft for depression it may not work as it should if you drink, as alcohol is a depressant in itself and will negate the effects of the anti-D's.Why do you think you're "too angry for therapy"? Therapy is to help you understand and be comfortable with yourself so if you're angry a lot therapy might be able to help with that.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Welcome!
Yeah, I agree about the therapy. Therapy is there to help you deal with anger and any other issues that you have going on.
I'm glad you're stopping drinking because it will definitely be a positive thing in your life.
Yeah, I agree about the therapy. Therapy is there to help you deal with anger and any other issues that you have going on.
I'm glad you're stopping drinking because it will definitely be a positive thing in your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Welcome Mushishi.
You are so young looking for help...............But you have arrived where you can get it.
My first thought is Get to an AA Meeting.....see what you think.
You might not be so different after all...........go Listen .
You are so young looking for help...............But you have arrived where you can get it.
My first thought is Get to an AA Meeting.....see what you think.
You might not be so different after all...........go Listen .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Twin Cities MN
Posts: 83
Hey Mushishi, what about group therapy, kinda like what I'm doing (outpatient)? Not just a chemical dependency one, or just AA, but maybe a dual diagnosis one, or MICD (mental illness/chem. dep)? I'm 27 and diagnosed with major depression with some boarderline personality disorder features, so you really have my empathy. I like going to the group stuff because a) I'm not alone with my thoughts, b)I get to hear and see other people express a bunch of the same stuff I've either felt/been through or am actively going through, and c) the counselor or two that run it don't act like doctors OR therapists....
That, and there's always these forums and the chat room.
Blessed be Mushishi, ja ne.
That, and there's always these forums and the chat room.
Blessed be Mushishi, ja ne.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi Mushishi
Welcome
I don't know much about depersonalisation...but I do know it not something you're likely to deal with effectively on your own.
Self medicating with alcohol may work to a certain extent now...but what about if/when that stops?
I'd reconsider seeing a Dr or counsellor. The only way to make changes in your life is to make changes. Break the cycle, do something different
As far as depression goes, I was depressed for a little while...longer than 6 days anyway. You might want to mention that too if you decide to seek medical help
D
Welcome
I don't know much about depersonalisation...but I do know it not something you're likely to deal with effectively on your own.
Self medicating with alcohol may work to a certain extent now...but what about if/when that stops?
I'd reconsider seeing a Dr or counsellor. The only way to make changes in your life is to make changes. Break the cycle, do something different
As far as depression goes, I was depressed for a little while...longer than 6 days anyway. You might want to mention that too if you decide to seek medical help
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 54
Hi Mushishi. I have DP too and I know how you feel. My DP seems to "go away" when drunk. Not sure why... well, I guess I expect that feeling when drinking but not in normal life. Or I just don't care. You know, something underlying is making us have DP and, like most people, we drink to escape the demons, though in our case they may be subconscious.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
hey mushishi, welcome! i understand how you feel with your DP also, although i dont have it all the time time, if im feeling anxious or stressed, thats when it happens and it always freaks me out. congrats on your 6days! im on day 4
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Now that i have read up on it I think I have it too.
I always have felt not real,Even writeing or typing Im outside of myself.
My memory is Crap as well......
Its scary the way Ive have been for years.
I have been dissaccociated by Pain most of my life.
Echart Toille calls it the Pain body.
The Pain body has become me......
I dont want to be like this anymore.
All I can do is keep on writing, talking, sharing................Im bound to come back to myself sometime.......................Thank Musishi
I found this site helpful..................http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&..._KExz5rFSz597g
I always have felt not real,Even writeing or typing Im outside of myself.
My memory is Crap as well......
Its scary the way Ive have been for years.
I have been dissaccociated by Pain most of my life.
Echart Toille calls it the Pain body.
The Pain body has become me......
I dont want to be like this anymore.
All I can do is keep on writing, talking, sharing................Im bound to come back to myself sometime.......................Thank Musishi
I found this site helpful..................http://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&..._KExz5rFSz597g
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: No
Posts: 5
Ugh, ended up drinking last night and the night before that. I scored some Ativan which always secures me in not giving in to drinking the next night. The first night of drinking is all it takes to get back in the game. I can conquer the anxiety and body withdrawals with the help of a few meds.
But it's always after the first week it all goes to my head. Just this insanely emotional disturbance of rage. Like, I'll pace outside (house to small) just thinking pointless irrational things. Like time itself stops, and alcohol is the only way to make the clock keep ticking. I've always made connotations with alcohol with the night. I can go all day without drink, but when the sun sets it's like this vibe of an end of the world scenario takes place.
I know a lot of these messed up sensations is due to my DP. And in regards to getting help with the DP. Well, it's not possible. The thing about DP is no one knows how to handle it. Most doctors never even heard of it. I've had one doctor that heard of it, but he only gave me Zoloft, which I'm now completely dependent on. Far more than alcohol. Zoloft helps the DP, but it only numbs it. Zoloft in general decreases my quality of life. I've felt in a haze for sooooo long thanks to DP, Zoloft, and now alcohol.
DP is rooted in stress. Very subconscious. I know alcohol only temporary gets rid of it, but that's 'cuz that's just the way alcohol works. Getting rid of anxieties and etc. So therefor, the DP follows it. But when I'm "sober" I'm back in DP mode constantly. There is no "cure" or medication for DP. It's all psychological. But it's so powerful that it actually creates so many symptoms, emotional, mental, and physical. Because of my DP, my night vision looks like the TV when there's no reception. I can't even see the stars anymore because of DP. I have severe light sensitivity that makes me feel like a vampire, and it's all related to DP. The symptoms are unbearable, and for awhile alcohol was the answer. But now I can't do just 2-4 beers a night. It's always 8-12.
I just want this DP to go away. It's not fair. It's truly in all it's ways NOT FAIR.
FYI; my DP was induced through a bad trip-state of marijuana. No, MJ alone won't give you DP. Your psyche has to be set up for it first. Altho, there was many traumatic events happening during the time, which set it off. It's like ever since DP, I've been enduring one long endless day, just waiting to continue. Or like I'm a coma.
Sometimes I've been so stressed with my DP, thinking that maybe I already died, or that I'm in a coma, and that suicide is the final test to "wake up". I need to be cured. I want to feel normal again. Feel real again. Nothing looks the same. It's like I'm always on a mild form of LSD. Not cool. So, of 'course I drink.
But it's always after the first week it all goes to my head. Just this insanely emotional disturbance of rage. Like, I'll pace outside (house to small) just thinking pointless irrational things. Like time itself stops, and alcohol is the only way to make the clock keep ticking. I've always made connotations with alcohol with the night. I can go all day without drink, but when the sun sets it's like this vibe of an end of the world scenario takes place.
I know a lot of these messed up sensations is due to my DP. And in regards to getting help with the DP. Well, it's not possible. The thing about DP is no one knows how to handle it. Most doctors never even heard of it. I've had one doctor that heard of it, but he only gave me Zoloft, which I'm now completely dependent on. Far more than alcohol. Zoloft helps the DP, but it only numbs it. Zoloft in general decreases my quality of life. I've felt in a haze for sooooo long thanks to DP, Zoloft, and now alcohol.
DP is rooted in stress. Very subconscious. I know alcohol only temporary gets rid of it, but that's 'cuz that's just the way alcohol works. Getting rid of anxieties and etc. So therefor, the DP follows it. But when I'm "sober" I'm back in DP mode constantly. There is no "cure" or medication for DP. It's all psychological. But it's so powerful that it actually creates so many symptoms, emotional, mental, and physical. Because of my DP, my night vision looks like the TV when there's no reception. I can't even see the stars anymore because of DP. I have severe light sensitivity that makes me feel like a vampire, and it's all related to DP. The symptoms are unbearable, and for awhile alcohol was the answer. But now I can't do just 2-4 beers a night. It's always 8-12.
I just want this DP to go away. It's not fair. It's truly in all it's ways NOT FAIR.
FYI; my DP was induced through a bad trip-state of marijuana. No, MJ alone won't give you DP. Your psyche has to be set up for it first. Altho, there was many traumatic events happening during the time, which set it off. It's like ever since DP, I've been enduring one long endless day, just waiting to continue. Or like I'm a coma.
Sometimes I've been so stressed with my DP, thinking that maybe I already died, or that I'm in a coma, and that suicide is the final test to "wake up". I need to be cured. I want to feel normal again. Feel real again. Nothing looks the same. It's like I'm always on a mild form of LSD. Not cool. So, of 'course I drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Although I don't have the disorder you are describing, I have suffered from severe depression for most of my life, and I found that no medication worked until I got sober and started a program of recovery. Good luck to you, you will find lots of support here.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I'd find a Back to Basics aa meeting. Try working those steps and see if anything changes. Your diagnosis sounds like me, for 50 years, minus the last 4 months, which is when I worked the steps in 2 days, the first time.
Peace,
Peace,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: No
Posts: 5
HA! So I'm no longer an alcoholic... Why? Cuz I lowered my Zoloft dosage. Everything makes so much more sense now. Since I lowered it I no longer have ridiculous cravings. And when I drink, I can stop after 4 beers. If yer on Zoloft and an alcoholic, you might want to look into that.
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