peaceful1

Is a bad habit! Believe me I know first hand....I have always struggled with this, and it is at the top of my list of things that I want to work on to help me grow, and stay sober. I find that I always sacrifice what I want for others in my life. I'm not a door mat by any means, but I want the people around me to be happy. Nothing wrong with that, unless it means that my happiness takes a back seat....that's when resentment builds.(NG)

Just wondered if anyone else has been stricken with the disease to please. Start with simply saying no to little things and then build on that.....it feels really good to say NO! Basically for me, it's saying I have a life and important things of my own to do, so I can't help you out with this or that...it's very liberating...

NewBeginning010

I have a hard time saying "No" a lot of times, usually I end up saying why I cant do something as opposed to the big "No". I also have to admit to some avoidance of situations that involve drinking (just not going out or telling others I am doing something else).

Good luck in your recovery & your ability to be true to yourself.

Cheers ~ NB

SteppingItUp

I have come to use a different term for people pleasing: self-seeking.

Pigtails

I am the same way, except even more so (I'm a doormat!). I too have been trying to say no and set my own boundaries. It feels weird and difficult but in the end, empowering.

I had a "best friend" for almost a year that I went out and drank with and did everything with; basically, I jumped at her command. I saw that she was selfish and hurt other people; she would even comment to me when she was depressed that she drove away anybody close to her by hurting them. She didn't do this to me, but part of me knew it was because I was a pushover and was afraid to make her upset due to her reaction.

Recently I started to date a great guy who soon became my boyfriend. All it took was standing up to her once to see how she could hurt me just like everyone else. The sad thing is, I was doing it because she had hurt my boyfriend, not me. I am better at standing up for other people than I am at standing up for myself. :-( But at least I confronted her and let her know I didn't appreciate how she was treating me/him/us. Now she ignores me and it turned out to be a good thing because it has helped me be able to stay sober. But I realized that when I didn't jump at her command, meet her whenever and whereever and under her conditions, she would be as cold-hearted and mean to me as she is to everyone else. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that my "best friend" was someone like this and that it took me a year to get tired of it.

Sorry for my rambling but I just wanted to let you know I understand what you're talking about. This was a recent example but there are many times in my life where I see that I am too much of a people-pleaser and that I put others' needs before my own. I am trying my best to stop that, slowly but surely.

Anna

oh, yes peaceful, that was a big thing for me.

I had to learn to say "No" and to feel good about it, and I did and I have a much healthier perspective.

I really had no idea how addicted I was to helping people, to sacrificing my time and myself and to putting myself last. I say I was addicted to it, because it was harmful and yet I didn't know how to stop.

heathersweeds

peaceful1 I did the same thing for a long time especially when I was drinking because I felt so horrible about me. Now Im starting to embrace me and Im suprised at what I dont say yes to. I do have this really weird housecleaning thing thou . My point is I felt good when others were pleased with my actions for them...now Ive learned I have to be pleased with me for who I am

Pigtails

This is a really good way of looking at it. By trying to please others to the extent that it hurts myself, I am showing that I don't know who I am or what I want. I need to know and love myself before I focus on other people.

Thanks.

bellakeller

Though I nearly killed myself trying, I was never good at people pleasing anyway. The things I'd do to try and please people were never what made them happy. I am probably the world's least successful codependent.
Who am I to decide what people should be happy about, when, how much, etc.?

I stopped trying and everyone around me is so much happier.

sugarbear1

Al anon helps me with people pleasing. For me, it's a codependency issue.

Boleo

I used to try and please people for the prestige of being productive. If I failed, I got a big resentment for having wasted my time.

Now I try and help people for the sense of purpose of being useful. The biggest difference is I detach from the outcome. Success or failure is not mine to pocket.

Dee74

Like Anna, I was always putting other people first to a harmful extent - I found my own self worth in other peoples validation for a lot of years.

Now I'm sober it feels good to still be of service, but I have different motivations now - I still have to watch the putting myself last thing tho....work in progress

D

CaiHong

I think Dee summed it up quite nicely, the validation of ones own self.

It was never really about other people but about myself, if everyone around me was happy then I could be left alone and allowed to drink. Unhappy people interfered with my drinking.

Drinking made me feel warm, fuzzy and understanding towards people. In the early months of sobriety without the buffer of alcohol, I just found people annoying, fortunately this is changing and me with it. I no longer feel the pressure to have people like me, I can distance myself from people in a positive way. I am starting to genuinely like people for who they are. I do things for people because I can, no sweat. Early days and I am still very unsure of myself around people, though if you met me for the first time you may not pick this up.

My feelings about people bounce around from rejection, superiority, not good enough and so on.
I know I have "made it" when I can just feel relaxed around people without judging, comparing, trying too hard.

I even do this on this forum!!!!! Will people like what I wrote will they be angry with me, perhaps I shouldn't have written that, will it be taken the wrong way to what the hell.

I think this is an important topic as it is a big part of our drinking.

CaiHong

foodie1

The disease to please, I love that! Yes, I have it, badly. I'm coming to realize that it's a co-dependency thing for me, I was raised by a master-manipulator-mother and guilt runs in my veins like blood. I'm just realizing all this and so still need to learn healthy boundaries and how to not let what others think of me dictate what I think of myself.

Sobriety gives me the "excuse" to be ok with being a little selfish. Being sober is the single most important thing to me right now, and I will learn to let go of the vain effort to please everyone in my life.

YVRguy

Hmm I guess I thought I was trying to please people a lot ,but one problem was , for a lot of the time I did not know what people actually wanted though I thought I did.

I have tended to try and live up to other peoples expectations and hmm never had any of my own expectations or my own goals. I got a lot of things messed up , not much self esteem due to not really knowing what I actually needed to do for myself and still a vague idea of goals...at 48 I would have thought I'd be well on the way to meeting a goal but reality is I have to figure a lot out still. 30 plus years of fog can do that to a person I guess

I have been taken advantage of many times by people who saw this tendency in me. I discarded quite a few of those along the way and did learn a bit about being used and what to be wary of.

The larger issue within me is putting a lot of people first often the people I really care about and then when I start to crumble and of course drink , a pile of resentment has built up and comes out all wrong.

As my wife says , put your own air mask on first then help others....you can't be truly helpful if you can't breathe.


So taking care of me allows me to be of service to others , to ask what is needed and to set some boundaries when it comes to sacrificing my own care. A work in progress to be sure but I can't be of service to myself if I am drinking.

I have journaled a fair bit around this topic and its branches and do see that the key constant item that will help me work these issues out is , of course , to stay sober and work on living life on life's terms in the here and now versus wallowing in the past or worrying about the future. Add alochol and the past is shameful and the future very scary...

Glad to be sober today

peaceful1

I think that this sort of inability to set personal boundaries and get our own needs met is definitely a product of our conditioning. I know I have always sought the approval of others in order to be okay with myself. If someone was angry at me I would feel physically sick, and feel the need to do whatever it took to make sure that person still loved me, cared for me and accepted me. I never looked within myself to find out who I was. I was too afraid to.

Trying to obtain our self worth through the opinions and thoughts of others is a fruitless and painful endeavor. People are constantly changing their opinions, thoughts and feelings (one day they like you, the next day not so much...).....the only way to know our true selves is by looking inside. That knowing, once it is revealed to you....never changes.

Anyway, I have said alot to get to the point that I originally wanted to make. I believe that for alot of us lack of self acceptance and drinking go hand in hand,....drinking is what makes it "okay" at the end of the day that wer'e not taking care of our own needs.....we escape that "minor annoyance" by drinking a bottle of wine at night or whatever...But after years of looking outside of ourselves the suffering becomes too much to bear, so we are forced to look within....and it's not so bad, actually it's pretty amazing...wow! who knew??