What does an addict NEED from their family?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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What does an addict NEED from their family?
I'm trying to understand as much as I can about my sons addiction.
My AS DOC is speed/ICE. It is my understanding that he is a very heavy user and more so of late seems to be suffering drug induced psychosis.
I'm still a little lost and have so many questions.
One question that pops to mind and one I would dearly love feedback from those who are/were actual addicts.
What does an addict 'need' from his family. Please note that I'm talking about needs and not wants.
I'm also not talking about the need that will help them get high ie: money or needs that would enable their use.
My AS DOC is speed/ICE. It is my understanding that he is a very heavy user and more so of late seems to be suffering drug induced psychosis.
I'm still a little lost and have so many questions.
One question that pops to mind and one I would dearly love feedback from those who are/were actual addicts.
What does an addict 'need' from his family. Please note that I'm talking about needs and not wants.
I'm also not talking about the need that will help them get high ie: money or needs that would enable their use.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
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they know there family loves them even if they tell you that you don't or u would do what they ask. there is really nothing they need from you. it is what u need from them...you need for them to get clean & sober whatever it takes.
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He knows we love him. He's never disputed that, even in his crazy moments. What I am hearing mostly is that we don't understand, that he can't handle talking about it.
It's almost like he wants to pretend it isn't a problem and that he can pretend while with us that it isn't there. I get the impression he needs to feel the normal family vibe, even if he isn't the normal participating family member. Does that make sense?
Hence the reason I'm questioning what an addict needs aside from the obvious substance.
I know we need him clean and sober. We're very clear on that. I do however want to think about where he is coming from to make sure we are not sabotaging any chance of him getting to that point.
Talking to him he acknowledges he is addicted. He knows he can't stop but he says he is ok, that it isn't a problem. That he doesn't know if he wants to get help.
Then he talks about the excuses if he went to get help ie: DIL would be cheating on him and he won't get help unless she goes into rehab with him. Something we've told him just can't and won't happen. That he needs to focus on doing this for him and that there will always be excuses and mitigating circumstances. That there will never be a 'perfect' time to get help.
It's almost like he wants to pretend it isn't a problem and that he can pretend while with us that it isn't there. I get the impression he needs to feel the normal family vibe, even if he isn't the normal participating family member. Does that make sense?
Hence the reason I'm questioning what an addict needs aside from the obvious substance.
I know we need him clean and sober. We're very clear on that. I do however want to think about where he is coming from to make sure we are not sabotaging any chance of him getting to that point.
Talking to him he acknowledges he is addicted. He knows he can't stop but he says he is ok, that it isn't a problem. That he doesn't know if he wants to get help.
Then he talks about the excuses if he went to get help ie: DIL would be cheating on him and he won't get help unless she goes into rehab with him. Something we've told him just can't and won't happen. That he needs to focus on doing this for him and that there will always be excuses and mitigating circumstances. That there will never be a 'perfect' time to get help.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I was 33 1/2 years old when my parents and family said NO MORE. "It is YOUR problem, YOU fix it."
They shut the door on me. If I called they hung up. If I came to the door it was closed in my face. And if I had tried to steal from them they would have called the police.
I didn't know it, but that was what I needed. It still took me another 2 1/2 year and the last year and a half living on the streets, but I still say to this day:
THAT WAS THE BEST THING MY PARENT EVER DID FOR ME.
My amends to them were made over the remaining years of their life, BY MY ACTIONS.
I NEEDED to be allowed to fall to my lowest point on my own, although I did not realize it, thank HP that they did!!
That was a long long time ago now. I found recovery 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday.
My mother told me when I had been in recovery for several years, that they had reached the point that if they did not disconnect from me, both she and my father were going to end up locked up in padded cells. They reached their bottom.
I can only suggest you stand back, watch the ACTIONS, do not listen to the WORDS, and wait and see.
J M H O based on my having made it back from HE!! over 30 years ago.
Love and hugs,
They shut the door on me. If I called they hung up. If I came to the door it was closed in my face. And if I had tried to steal from them they would have called the police.
I didn't know it, but that was what I needed. It still took me another 2 1/2 year and the last year and a half living on the streets, but I still say to this day:
THAT WAS THE BEST THING MY PARENT EVER DID FOR ME.
My amends to them were made over the remaining years of their life, BY MY ACTIONS.
I NEEDED to be allowed to fall to my lowest point on my own, although I did not realize it, thank HP that they did!!
That was a long long time ago now. I found recovery 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday.
My mother told me when I had been in recovery for several years, that they had reached the point that if they did not disconnect from me, both she and my father were going to end up locked up in padded cells. They reached their bottom.
I can only suggest you stand back, watch the ACTIONS, do not listen to the WORDS, and wait and see.
J M H O based on my having made it back from HE!! over 30 years ago.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
My mother told me when I had been in recovery for several years, that they had reached the point that if they did not disconnect from me, both she and my father were going to end up locked up in padded cells. They reached their bottom.
Sounds rather simple now, it was a new day when I realized I was responsible for my own reactions to a situation I could not control.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My AS seems to 'need' to use his family as a touchstone -- a place where he can go to feel the warm fuzzies. I wish we could give that to him, but his drug use has escalated to a level where we have had to step away from him. He has lost his high school sweetheart (dated 5 years) and now 2 sets of parents and his only sister, all of whom have said, "I'm sorry. I just can't watch you do this anymore. I love you and it hurts too much to watch you die a slow death." I wish more than anything I could just hug him and comfort him and tell him I will always be there for him -- but I can't. It does neither of us any good whatsoever.
I can't give him what he thinks he needs. But I can take care of my needs....or at least try.
I can't give him what he thinks he needs. But I can take care of my needs....or at least try.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I was a crack addict. I needed space - to use my drugs, to hit my bottom, to seek recovery and to get better. I didn't need someone enabling my addiction, telling me how special I was, coddling me or telling me how much they loved me. I already knew they loved me. I needed to see the truth - through their actions. I needed natural consequences for how I was treating them. I needed a family that had firm boundaries and didn't put up with my BS. I'm so lucky I had one or it would have been much harder for me to get better.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Hearing it from the perception of recovering addicts was a turning point for me.
Back when, I was consumed with understanding my daughter's drug of choice. We both laugh today because I know more than she ever did or will.
That quest for information served to keep me focused on what I did not control. And the more time and energy I focused on what I did not control, meant I focused less and less on what I could control, my own reaction and recovery from codependency.
Back when, I was consumed with understanding my daughter's drug of choice. We both laugh today because I know more than she ever did or will.
That quest for information served to keep me focused on what I did not control. And the more time and energy I focused on what I did not control, meant I focused less and less on what I could control, my own reaction and recovery from codependency.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
I didn't need someone enabling my addiction, telling me how special I was, coddling me or telling me how much they loved me.... I needed a family that had firm boundaries and didn't put up with my BS.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Maple))) - another RA here. What I needed was similar to ((Kitty)) and ((Laurie)) - the dignity to live my live as I chose, deal with the consequences, and when I had dug myself to a really low bottom, the dignity to figure my way back out.
I knew they loved me, I knew I was in their prayers. Unfortunately, the only thing I was concerned about was getting more crack.
I was also a diehard codie, so know that side of it, and have been working recovery in both areas.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I knew they loved me, I knew I was in their prayers. Unfortunately, the only thing I was concerned about was getting more crack.
I was also a diehard codie, so know that side of it, and have been working recovery in both areas.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Once again I'd like to thank the recovering addicts who visit these F&F boards to give us their valuable perspective.
Thank you so much. Our task as friends and family is so hard to do emotionally -- I can't tell you how much it helps to hear it from YOU that it's the RIGHT thing to do.
Thank you so much. Our task as friends and family is so hard to do emotionally -- I can't tell you how much it helps to hear it from YOU that it's the RIGHT thing to do.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think Laurie explained it as clearly as possible, it really is all about reaching one's bottom, both the addict and the codependent/enabler. Kind of like a race, who will reach the finish line first.
In my case, it was me, my exabf is still using, and I feel that he will die an addict, sad, but true.
Keep questioning, keep reading, knowledge is power.
In my case, it was me, my exabf is still using, and I feel that he will die an addict, sad, but true.
Keep questioning, keep reading, knowledge is power.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Outtolunch I feel the same way. I need to pull things apart, understand them before I can let it go.
I'd be one of those kids who pulls apart the toaster to see how it works before using it.
Same with driving lessons. It wasn't a simple matter of getting in the car and learning where to put my feet. Once I understood how the clutch and flywheel worked my brain kicked in and using the clutch was so much easier.
That's how I feel with this. Learning about it won't leave me feeling like I'm fumbling around in the dark.
I'm good on the boundaries front. Surprisingly, that will be the easy part for me. I know that setting boundaries is doing what's best for my son and not what's easiest for me.
Understanding how to support him when he's ready for recovery is important to me as well.
What I'm understanding at the moment aside from the boundaries thing is when he is ready to accept recovery he needs support that is non judgmental, nothing wussy, just straight talking, we believe in you but this is your journey type thing?
I've read a lot about statistics and recovery and that it can take considerable time for the strong urge to pass, that the best chances for recovery generally require a complete life change ie: new friends, new environment.
Taking my blinkers off and learning so much about this drug, I think it could be possible DIL is using, but nowhere near as heavy.
Thank-you to everyone who has been posting on my thread/s. It really does help me to understand this so that I don't make mistakes and I myself can move forward.
outtolunch, I had to laugh when I read your post. I think I'll know more about this than my son too. I've researched so much in just a short week, I think I'm heading down the track of becoming an expert in Dopamine receptors as well.
A little amusing for my husband who knows I hate even taking paracetamol.
I'd be one of those kids who pulls apart the toaster to see how it works before using it.
Same with driving lessons. It wasn't a simple matter of getting in the car and learning where to put my feet. Once I understood how the clutch and flywheel worked my brain kicked in and using the clutch was so much easier.
That's how I feel with this. Learning about it won't leave me feeling like I'm fumbling around in the dark.
I'm good on the boundaries front. Surprisingly, that will be the easy part for me. I know that setting boundaries is doing what's best for my son and not what's easiest for me.
Understanding how to support him when he's ready for recovery is important to me as well.
What I'm understanding at the moment aside from the boundaries thing is when he is ready to accept recovery he needs support that is non judgmental, nothing wussy, just straight talking, we believe in you but this is your journey type thing?
I've read a lot about statistics and recovery and that it can take considerable time for the strong urge to pass, that the best chances for recovery generally require a complete life change ie: new friends, new environment.
Taking my blinkers off and learning so much about this drug, I think it could be possible DIL is using, but nowhere near as heavy.
Thank-you to everyone who has been posting on my thread/s. It really does help me to understand this so that I don't make mistakes and I myself can move forward.
outtolunch, I had to laugh when I read your post. I think I'll know more about this than my son too. I've researched so much in just a short week, I think I'm heading down the track of becoming an expert in Dopamine receptors as well.
A little amusing for my husband who knows I hate even taking paracetamol.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Maple
I've researched so much in just a short week, I think I'm heading down the track of becoming an expert in Dopamine receptors as well.
I'm reading a book called The Compass of Pleasure, written by a professor of neuroscience. It's all about addiction and and how dopamine affects the pleasure center in this huge circuit and, well, you get the picture
I've ended up learning a lot about myself.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Understanding how to support him when he's ready for recovery is important to me as well.
When I left the hospital where I literally died, it was me who had to figure it out. I was the one that had to find a place that was 'safe' and I was working on that when I was still in the hospital. I found a Recovery Home for Alcoholic Women that was a 'non profit' and took no city, county, state, or federal aid. There were really very few 'rehabs' back then. So my recovery started in that house with 14 other sober women anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months, 1 house mother, and 1 assistant.
When and if your son decides he wants recovery there are a lot more options for him today than there was for me. And he can start with one that has a pretty good rate of success for those that stick with it, and it's FREE. The Salvation Army has places all over the country, in Canada, in England and I believe now they have 2 or 3 in Australia.
So, it will still be 'standing back and watching his ACTIONS.'
I know that setting boundaries is doing what's best for my son and not what's easiest for me.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. We are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Thanks Laurie. You're right. These are my personal boundaries that protect me.
I guess understanding that having boundaries is not failing him as a mother.
I can set them, I can police them and I can push the consequence button very quickly and consistently if someone tries to step on them.
My husband commented this morning that that is the part that seems to come naturally for me.
Watching and waiting is the hard part. Such a horrible fear that one day I will get a phone call to say, 'Mrs Maple, we're sorry to inform you, your son passed away' or he has killed someone.
Maybe because it's all so fresh to me (I've only really known for the past week or two what he is doing), I'm actually dreaming about meth labs and finding him dead with needles in his arms and his face completely destroyed.
We have a photo player in the house and multiple photo's of him as a baby, child, and 'healthy looking' adult play and it's so painful to see that I'm now going to remove the photo's.
I find myself crying whenever I think about it. I feel like I'm grieving for my son as though he were already dead.
Laurie, I have looked into what appear to be some very good detox and rehab facilities. Ones that don't need our financial contribution and I had forwarded those on to my son. I assume if he is in that lifestyle he would already know about these places, but thought I'd send them anyway just in case.
When I think back over the past 3-4 years I remember little things he said along the lines of 'I need to move out of this area, I need to find new friends and get away from my current ones'. I didn't think much of it and I'd never met his friends. Just thought maybe they were party animals and he's over that lifestyle.
I think he may have known he had a problem way back then and maybe wanted to stop, but knew that meant getting away from the currently friends. Although DIL refused to move as her family were close to that location. She'd just had the babies and I couldn't understand why he would be so unfair to her in that situation. I'm beginning to understand now.
I hope that he gets some help to beat this, not only for him but from a selfish point of view as well. I really want my son back.
I guess understanding that having boundaries is not failing him as a mother.
I can set them, I can police them and I can push the consequence button very quickly and consistently if someone tries to step on them.
My husband commented this morning that that is the part that seems to come naturally for me.
Watching and waiting is the hard part. Such a horrible fear that one day I will get a phone call to say, 'Mrs Maple, we're sorry to inform you, your son passed away' or he has killed someone.
Maybe because it's all so fresh to me (I've only really known for the past week or two what he is doing), I'm actually dreaming about meth labs and finding him dead with needles in his arms and his face completely destroyed.
We have a photo player in the house and multiple photo's of him as a baby, child, and 'healthy looking' adult play and it's so painful to see that I'm now going to remove the photo's.
I find myself crying whenever I think about it. I feel like I'm grieving for my son as though he were already dead.
Laurie, I have looked into what appear to be some very good detox and rehab facilities. Ones that don't need our financial contribution and I had forwarded those on to my son. I assume if he is in that lifestyle he would already know about these places, but thought I'd send them anyway just in case.
When I think back over the past 3-4 years I remember little things he said along the lines of 'I need to move out of this area, I need to find new friends and get away from my current ones'. I didn't think much of it and I'd never met his friends. Just thought maybe they were party animals and he's over that lifestyle.
I think he may have known he had a problem way back then and maybe wanted to stop, but knew that meant getting away from the currently friends. Although DIL refused to move as her family were close to that location. She'd just had the babies and I couldn't understand why he would be so unfair to her in that situation. I'm beginning to understand now.
I hope that he gets some help to beat this, not only for him but from a selfish point of view as well. I really want my son back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
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Originally Posted by Chino
Since you mentioned it... lol
I'm reading a book called The Compass of Pleasure, written by a professor of neuroscience. It's all about addiction and and how dopamine affects the pleasure center in this huge circuit and, well, you get the picture
I've ended up learning a lot about myself.
I'm reading a book called The Compass of Pleasure, written by a professor of neuroscience. It's all about addiction and and how dopamine affects the pleasure center in this huge circuit and, well, you get the picture
I've ended up learning a lot about myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Watching and waiting is the hard part. Such a horrible fear that one day I will get a phone call to say, 'Mrs Maple, we're sorry to inform you, your son passed away' or he has killed someone.
Maybe because it's all so fresh to me (I've only really known for the past week or two what he is doing), I'm actually dreaming about meth labs and finding him dead with needles in his arms and his face completely destroyed.
I think this is something that will get better over time and with practice. I'm sort of new to all this but am surprised at (and kinda proud of) how much my anxiety and worry has lessened since I've found this forum and started attending meetings and reading. I'm learning and practicing my detachment and my control over my own feelings and it's actually helping
Maybe because it's all so fresh to me (I've only really known for the past week or two what he is doing), I'm actually dreaming about meth labs and finding him dead with needles in his arms and his face completely destroyed.
I think this is something that will get better over time and with practice. I'm sort of new to all this but am surprised at (and kinda proud of) how much my anxiety and worry has lessened since I've found this forum and started attending meetings and reading. I'm learning and practicing my detachment and my control over my own feelings and it's actually helping
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